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The Struggle Of Always Being The One Just Before "THE ONE"

I can confidently say I know what it feels like to be the one before 'the one', the one he loves and promises heaven and earth to but breaks up with and marries some random chic a few months later, the one who teaches him how to be a man and stand on his own two feet then he takes those lessons and makes someone else his bride, the one who was with him when he was grindin', prayed with and encouraged him then he got up and walked away with "The One". So I can really relate with the piece below. 

Last week, I got a call from an ex — a man I truly believed I’d one day see in a tux smiling at me from the end of a church aisle. He’s been dating the same girl since we broke up two years ago, and the crushing words that came out of his mouth were ones
I had secretly prayed I’d never hear: “Shade,” he said, “I’m going to marry her.”

I promptly burst into tears. See, this isn’t the first time I’ve been the girlfriend before the girlfriend who becomes the wife. It has happened — you’re not going to believe this — seven times (and I’m only 28)! It’s like I’m prepping guys for marriage to someone else.

I guess you could consider a girl like me a husband fluffer — you know how in romantic movies, there’s a crew member called the fluffer whose job is to get the actor, um, ready for his scene? In my case, I put in lots of hard work, and then someone else steps in right before the money shot…I mean, the wedding scene. Ha.

The details vary, but the basic scenario is the same: Boy meets me. Boy and I fall in love. Boy and I break up. Boy marries next girl. 

Take Jude (names have been changed), my first boyfriend after college. I was convinced he was The One, but two years in, I realized I’d never lived on my own as a single chick. Shouldn’t you do that before you get married? So we took a little break. He started dating another girl…
and now they’re engaged.

Then there was Mide. Oh, Mide. Like Jude, he was an older guy, charming, successful, and handsome. I was madly in love with him. I thought, With a guy like this, you gotta play a little hard to get. But I missed the signs that he was playing a more grown-up game: the new (three-bedroom!) apartment, the doting on his brother’s baby….He left me for a model (ouch!), whom he’s now marrying.

Given these stories (and others — I’ll spare you the gory details), I asked myself what I had done to drive these men into the arms of other women. Had I sparked their desire for a wife? Or made them want out of the dating game for good?

I posed those questions to my therapist. “You thought you wanted to marry these guys, right?” she asked. Right. “So you made them work through their issues and got them ready for marriage.” Right. “But were you ready?”

Good question. Maybe marriage sort of scared the hell out of me, and the guys
could sense it. “Remember,” she went on, “being a husband fluffer means you’re free to keep looking for the right person. You’ve been spared. And you spared them too! You
weren’t right for them. It’s a gift you gave them.” 

I’m still waiting for the thank you cards to roll in.

And after reading this I have to ask you guys the same question asked; what makes some women wife material and others 'the one before "The One" '?


  1. I'd like 2 answer ur question with d mind set of d common young guys out there: Whn a girl gives u all d benefits of a husband and more in a common boify/girlfy relationship, there is an 80% chance dt he is gonna dump u 4 "the one" coz 2 him, there is little or nuffin more 2 explore whn he gets married 2 u. Lots of young women don't kno this, but that's how most young guys reason, and it is wht it is..

    *lips sealed and watching*

  2. Eesah, pls could u elaborate on that. Does it ve to do with sex or it's more than that.

  3. I doubt that it has anything to do with sex.... it can stem from several other things...
    @ eesah.. is not like they don't sleep with "the one" and do all the things they did with the one before "the one".. so your thoughts are misguided. Meanwhile.. it could stem from several other things...e.g, what her therapist said... I won't rule out the spiritual aspect... (spirit husband) or any other thing. so she should listen to he therapist, pray but not feel bad about herself. Or feel any less than she is.

    1. With this comment of your's, it seems what @easeh has written above is too deep for your shallow brain to comprehend. SMH

  4. Thelma, thats a Jamb question and sadly.... I didnt do

    Lol. Waiting for the comments to roll in...

    1. Lol @ I didn't do jamb. Who knows why they choose one person over the other, the probably just like the other person more, I really don't think it has anything to do with displaying wifey material characteristics, because some of those *the ones they end up with didn't do half of the wifey material things. My mum always says if someone dosent like you, if u like cut your head and keep for that person, they will eat it and still not like you, at the end of the day a guy knows what he wants and knows he goes for one over the other, I don't really know that there's a way of knowing these things, just be yourself and pray you meet your beholder like my friend would say. I don't know if I answered the question by like FNLP said it's a jamb question and it's hard lol

    2. Arggghhhh typos everywhere. Forgive and try to decipher. *they, *why, *but

    3. Arggghhhh typos everywhere. Forgive and try to decipher. *they, *why, *but

  5. Thelma, were you a BAD girl? You know what I mean? Did you do or exhibit traits that pushed them to the arms of those ladies they eventually married? Or was your matter spiritual? Or you have an unseen mark that made them reject you as potential wife? You do a self appraisal. Compare yourself with these women and see what they have that you lacked and make amendments. Remember prayers (hot prayers oooo not jelenke ones) as well.

    1. Lol. You go fear BAD girl. Haha. Ruby I've had my past, I was no saint but I wasn't the worst sinner either. Sinners much worse than I was are married with kids. I have no mark either, I've done all them hot prayers (hunny you have no idea) and I'm past doing those now. I wouldn't and cannot marry before God says it's time and God hasn't said it's time yet, that's all.
      Don't mind my preamble, I can relate with the story because I've been there, but I'm no longer asking those questions.

    2. Hmmmmm, what can I say? Just don't give up on your dreams. Btw, don't mess up your skin tone! If you do, you'll have me to answer to, sugbo?

  6. After being in relationship with emma for seven years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL ADDRESS

    1. And to think you never considered that spells do get broken- think again!

  7. Thelma please block this person advertising Magic spells.

  8. I have been in this situation too tho just twice. I have shared the story here about how the second one wanted to borrow money from me for his wedding. It had nothing to do with my character because I was near perfect. I think its more spiritual, he wasn't just the one.. I had warning signals 3times that I was headed the wrong way but I didn't listen.
    Somehow u must have had warning signals too. . Anyways, don't think you weren't the one, its the reverse. They are not the ones for you. Yours is on the way. Specially for you.

    1. " It had nothing to do with my character because i was near perfect..." Pardon me, but maybe it did actually have something to do with your character because you were aspiring for perfection.

  9. I have been in this situation thrice - I'm 27. I have given up


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