You know how they say when you expect the world to be kind to you because you're a good person is just like expecting a lion not to eat you because you're a vegetarian? That is soooo true.
When I was younger, in my naïveté I was excited about my future because I'd always thought that being a good person, with natural goodwill and good intentions towards others and no bone of envy or bitterness, I'd have a pretty easy life as life had no choice but to be kind to me... Thankfully I woke up from that "malaria dream" soon enough, I had experiences at a young age that taught me just how wrong and invalid that line of reasoning was.
It didn't change me, it just made me more aware. Yet it didn't prepare me for how unkind the world could be till I started blogging, and I only just started... And it's actually been relatively kind to me so far.
BUT... There are times I get some very mean, extremely cruel comments that are made deliberately to hurt and inflame. I always thought for someone to be that mean with their comments then it's someone I know, someone I probably offended in the past trying to get back at me anonymously. That I could understand, that I could accept.
Also, I always thought that comments like those could only be made by a female, you know how catty and bitchy we are naturally inclined to be towards each other sometimes. I was wrong on both counts.
When I started, everything was rosy and smooth, but the minute things get better some people get pissed and the hate begins. This particular person would say all sorts to me and of me, accused me of having no self-worth and low self-esteem, called me names and generally commented with the intention to hurt. Those comments kept coming for sometime and then one day they thinned out.
I've become really close to some of my blog readers, and there was one in particular who for some reason, I began to exchange mails with and then we proceeded to phone calls.
We would several minutes talkings on the phone. He's an older man in his early 40s so he became my confidante and advisor, he also became my friend. It was a beautiful feeling because it had been a while since I had that kind of friendship, someone I could tell the important things to and have him listen patiently and advise, encourage or comfort me, whichever was needed at the time. He helped put things in perspective for me regarding my blogging and my career generally, he gave me some very helpful career and life advise and gave me a level of security I didn't feel in the past. Yet we drew a boundary because he's a married man. We never met physically and still have never met.
One day this blog reader who had become a good friend made a confession to me; you know all those mean comments, those nasty hateful ones, the ones that insulted you and told you you have no self-worth and you're nobody? I was the one who made those comments.
I was in shock. First off, I'd always thought they were made by someone I knew, I also thought they had to have been made by a lady, and also someone younger. I would never have believed that a man whom I had never known or met, a married one with kids, one who has one of the best paying jobs in the country... would be the one to have hit me hard so many times, tried so viciously to hurt me.
I had only one question; WHY?
He had no answer, he only had apologies. He said he didn't know why, he stumbled upon the blog, didn't like the way some of my readers made me feel important, didn't know who I thought I was, and just wanted to bring me down, just did it for the fun of it. And now that we're friends and he has seen that I'm a genuinely good person with a beautiful soul (his words) he feels so guilty and decided to come clean.
Yet I still wanted to know WHY! What did I ever do to you? Didn't you know that I'm a human being with feelings and blood running through my veins? He apologized and began to get upset that I was angry, in his words; "What if I didn't tell you?" I explained to him that I wasn't angry, merely confused.
I accepted his apology and we moved on. We don't speak anymore but it wasn't because of this, he's a married man anyway so there had to be an extent to our friendship.
I learnt a lot from that.
Last weekend during my grandma's burial one of my closest friends called me and the conversation went something like "err, ore me, e ma binu. Se o mo pe... I just don't like reading... I haven't been on your blog in a while and I'm not too sure what goes on there". (*Temi like some of my close friends are oblivious to the blog) In fact she admitted that she'd forgotten about the blog till some day at work, two days prior to that call when she heard her colleagues talking about Thelma Thinks. She said it took her a while to realize that it was my blog they were talking about and just when she wanted to tell them that the blogger in question is her 'paddy' she heard the next statement that was made; "Oh my God I cannot wait to fuck that Thelma up, I will fuck her up so bad she won't even know what hit her, she will regret the day she started blogging!". Laughter followed at the office and my friend obviously couldn't say anything at that point. Personally I wish she had asked them why. Just WHY?
What did I ever do to you? I've more or less forgotten about that, or tried to at least. But it's not easy knowing that as you dey your own jeje some people are somewhere plotting your downfall. Of course on some 'MFM; witches and wizards/strong woman in my father's house' level I know those things happen, but this... It was a weird feeling.
Yet when I come to think about it, I'd be more worried if these people aren't there than I am that they are.
Like I said yesterday, reading the LIB post gave me goose pimples, how much of it was true or false, how much was left out and how much was added, I really do not know. But reading what I read reminded me of the kind of world we live in and made me began to wonder why some people do the things they do, what motivates them and what they hope to achieve...
As usual I woke up with my three Ps this morning; Praise, Prayers and Positive thoughts and speaking of positive thoughts; I'm in a village here as today is my darling friend's traditional marriage. During our friend's wedding a while back today's bride was single, no man in her life and no one on her case. I remember her prophesying during that wedding that her own will come soon and we'll be celebrating hers next, and she believed it. Here we are today, a little over a year later, celebrating her traditional marriage to the love of her life. Congrats babe!
Good morning World, may God bless us all!!