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Dear Thelma... (Housekeep Allowance. How Far?)

Hi Thelma. I am a regular commenter on ur blog. I want this issue discussed, the issue of men who run away from their responsibility by not giving their wives money and it's not that they don't have. At least when u don't have, the amount u will give will be reduced, but some dodge it totally. School fees, Mba (no), house rent - no, chop money/housekeep allowance - no. Yet they expect their wives to be fulfilling her own wifely roles.

I don't understand this, I want this posted so I can read the opinion of others pls.

Dear Poster, all I can say is you are not alone. This sounds exactly like my friend's complaint of yesterday. It's almost as if she wrote this. The things women see in marriage... 


  1. Na wa o. The worst thing in a marriage is a man that neglects his obligation as the man of the house. I earn more than my husband but before our wedding we sat down and discussed about all money issues vis a vis his obligations. Please ladies there are things that must be discussed before the wedding, it's not about the wedding decor and cake o. Every month, my house keeping money alert must show just like my salary alert. Budgeting is very important. A wife should support and assist the husband not assume his responsibilities. If he lost his job it's another thing. Na wa o

  2. This kinda behaviour is very unfair and irresponsible!
    A husband has no excuse to not provide for the family, at least to his best abilities. What is love if one can't be responsible, dutiful and give your partner peace?
    Anyway, she should keep trying to make do with what she has whilst still talking to him nicely (just try). (and praying). Maybe also draw up a budget and show to him.

  3. Any man who's running away from his household obligation, even when he has, is either a miser or he's giving outsiders. Outsiders could be Kin or Sidechicks. You must investigate. If it's Kin, my dear, better start being a lioness at home (I don't mean you should be violent or disrespectful but firm in your home issues) and build a foundation secretly for your kids without his knowledge. Try getting extra cash from him when the need arises, for instance if monthly feeding costs average of 20k you try collecting 30k. Because when his Kin start gaining from him you can hardly ever stop it. He'll even do it subtly if you find out and confront him. My dad was like that, giving relatives his hard earned money and telling my mum to "tighten her belt". Smh. Stay blessed dear poster.

    1. Lmao @ tighten her belt, what does that mean biko?

    2. Lmao @ tighten her belt, what does that mean biko?

  4. If he lost his job or his business isn't going well or his financial state is bad due to work issues or family project(s) eg. building, children tertiary education expenses, then you need to understand and support cheerfully.

    But if that's not the case, then sit him down and discuss it. Probably in the night, wake him up, ask him why and let him know how you feel about it.

    Sometimes husbands won't tell you the real deal concerning finances knowing how worried you'll be.

    But if this is deliberate, then you need to pray as well. When children are involved, you can't shy away from taking care of them. So keep doing what you can for your children and you will be rewarded. But pls TALK to him.

    Like Thelma said, it's almost everywhere now. Some men wouldn't care if you have an extra marital affair so far food is on the table when needed. May God help families.

  5. How did you get into this situation? Do you have kids? Would you leave if you could? Your load is not small and the road is very far. You can't continue like this till death do you part. I say this because I kno someone who packed the kids and ran to another country. Walk away from this leech. You will resent yourself and him. You will take out your anger and frustration on those around you. You will live in fear of losing your job. If you don't want to leave, ignore him. Get a lawyer, draw up a will, a trust fund for the kids and appoint someone to take care of the kids should anything happen to you. Anything you pay for should have just your name. He doesn't care how you get money. He just wants to enjoy it. Ask yourself what you stand to gain from being in the marriage. You're not alone. So many women live like you. Paying for everything while seething inside. Life is too short to live it angry.

  6. To the annon asking the wife to run away, thats absolutely not the answer. Its never too late to talk. Please the poster or whoever she is posting on behalf of needs to have a proper conversation with her husband. Speak the language the man knows, for some men you have to be aggressive, for some you have to butter them. Thats assuming you know your husband. My husband and i decided that he pay the large bills, rent, car, all domestic staff salaries, utilities. My own bill is feeding, and i am allowed to ask him for money when i cant afford it. Everyone needs to understand their role in a marriage, because you get frustrated when you shoulder issues that done belong to you.
    A friend told me she made n10m so far this year, but she spent it as follows rent n3.5m, school fees 3 kids -n2.6m per term x 2 terms. Domestic staff etc. Money has finished. She is resentful.

    1. What is your friend's husband paying?? Building the family house??

    2. I am the anon. A man who does not pay school fees, rent and the rest, shouldn't be a husband. Your friend and poster are in the same boat. They married men who want to be taken care of and not the other way. You can't reason with such men. He feels no guilt and doesn't care how you come about the money. That's why they marry income earning women. There are so many marriages like that these days. Some men push their wives to sleep with other men. Just so their bills will be paid. Why would you choose to live with someone you hate. That friend I talked about, loved her husband. But what happened in the end, she hated him. Why do you think some female bosses are always angry? He will use up all the diesel during the day. Not caring that his children will need power at night. Is that a compassionate person? Or a reasonable one? Walk away. Let some other woman pay his bills. And when you do, he will only look for his children to get some money off you.

    3. She is now the bread winner now. Why are they living in a house with such huge rent? Most times we see these signs from the beginning and we do nothn abt it, we sweep it under the carpet and rush to the alter.

    4. Wale he is womanising about town. Dude is 10 years older than the babe, and its both their second marriage. Sad thing is with a man that old she should be pampered etc. For where? Now she is worried people will say she cant stay married etc.

    5. see, that right there is a problem...

  7. Wow ! @ your friend's expenditure

  8. You should be talking to your husband, hopefully he hasn't been driven up the wall. The story sounds ridiculous or how can a man not pay school fees, house rent and housekeeping allowance and more sef?? Am I living in a different world?? In fact, my wife go hear am now.

    For the singles, planning for marriage starts before meeting the man. If all you do while dating is visit the latest restaurant in town, you will start fasting and praying when you are married (in case the man wants to recoup the money spent at those restaurants).

    Dating is for asking the hard questions not checking out the latest in fashion and picking aso ebi.

    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    2. As a stalker,are you not worse? J

    3. Anon 2:04, Err,its obvious u're oblivious to the concept of 'marriage', plz how does being married affect ur propensity to be social. Maybe ur idea of marriage is to be ever busy 24/7 without being social (I wonder wat kind of Living dat wud be?)

      TTB is a place for the married, soon-to-be married, single and searching, single and not search, E T C.

      Anyways, everyone has got their role in this life, and yours had to be A Troll.
      Plz help ursef,ur destiny is in your hands.

    4. Wale you are a thinking man. A lot of people just want to marry and arent thinking. Too many people dont have the candid conversations they should have before marriage.

      my husband told me its doesnt matter how he has to struggle, its his job to take care of all the bills. I offered to pay for feeding as i have lived alone and i know all about bills. He grudgingly agreed to that.

    5. Conversation or not, some men do what they like afterwards, i had those conversations with my ex hubby but in d end he always did what he wanted n wld tell me to leave the marriage if i didnt like his ways, cos he felt it was too late and i didnt ve a choice but i left. I would say its safer to watch and know who u marry, sometimes we see the signs but choose to ignore it. Single ladies please shine your eyes and know that as u make ur bed, so you ll lie on it.

  9. Sometimes some women allow some irresponsible husband to get away with it. I am sure if you don't rise up to the occasion, especially when you know the man has the capacity to do. When push comes to shove, the husband will fulfill his manly obligation. Some of my friends will tell that I know my wife will fix it. They will rather spend their money hanging out with friends, buying latest car, going to watch formula one etc. I find it very hard to comprehend o, why people will say, I don't have money for rent. Rent is paid annually so is fees paid quarterly. It is not a sudden expense. It takes conscious planning. My rent expires in May. I have put 70% of it away already. School fees is due in January. If you are planning for it or ready by now then you are joker. Though I don't give house keep but take care of what needs to be taken care of.

  10. Wat do u mean by School fees No, House Rent No, Chop money No!? As in he doesn't take any responsibility of anything? U had better be joking oh!

    Where is the 'marriage' then? I just hope LOVE is not your only Driving-Force cos...OMG I'm speechless!

  11. I am the poster. He gives when he feels like and ridiculously 2k in 3wks. The marriage is not less dn 20yrs n he's been spoken to severally n most times, d discussion ends in quarells, malice etc. He has no side chicks o, no relative taking frm him. A child of God sef. He keeps n spend his income of abt 120-150k per month on himself. Beginning he can give 40k to add to a child's schl fees bcos only 1 in secondary schl, others hav graduated.
    Honestly it's very sad, disheartening n frustrating.
    Maybe I spoilt him. God help me.

    1. You definitely spoilt him, but theres no use crying over spilt milk.How about you stop paying rent and see what he does, can you stomach it if the landlord throws your property out, drastic situations require drastic measures.Do you think he will pay if your kid is sent out of school and sees him/her sitting at home for a while?You have to do something drastic to free yourself from this instead of feeling sorry for yourself ma'am.

  12. There was a time he didn't hav a job, so I was paying all bills, when he got a job or started having an income he believes I make more money as a woman, why am I still interested in his small income that is like halft my income

    1. Either you add him to the number of your kids or you move on. 20 years? Do you even have any family savings? Your kids are grown do you need him for anything at this point?

    2. @ pynk, I feel so sad reading through that after 20 years of marriage they are still renting.The man no fear God oh ahan.I understand that she has made terrible financial decisions over the years but its never too late, now is a good time she sits up and makes some serious decisions otherwise she will just grow old and find herself homeless one day.Poster pls whats in it for you in this marriage? you seem to have sacrificed all for the sake of your children and I get that, but why do you encourage this man, what hold does he have over you.
      Ma'am i advice you should at least try and buy a plot of land somewhere and start developing it, put your money to good use, insists he drops something tangible every month and use your money towards the development of that land. Once shelter is sorted, all the rest na jara. All the best oh

  13. This sounds ridiculous,some men are seriously irresponsible o,Dear poster pls pray a lot n try n talk to him in very way possible u can

  14. I reject it that I will be the breadwinner of the home.
    Yes,I could support if something happens for the meantime but to pay for rent, feeding, school fees ahan diariS God oh.
    I feel some women have spoilt their husbands silly , even if you make 100m a year, please it is not in your place to pay for rent and school fees for crying out loud, let him go out and hustle like reasonable man.
    Chai my husband dey try ohh, because even though we are both earning I do not do jack in the house, after paying my tithes and sending money to my folks thats it. hmmmmm

  15. And later they will say; Queen Spicey, at 29yrs and single, hasten up and marry o!... Ndi ara. Where is the power to shout for ego housekeep biko nu?

  16. Well God helped us, built a hse after several years of buying d land but husband says he can't live in d place so d place is let out.

    Thanks for all d comments

  17. Hian and then he has PRIDE on top all you've listed, some wives do have them.
    All the best ma'am

  18. I'm surprised that someone can ask her husband for rent, bills, school fees and still ask him when she can't afford......abeg what is your role in that marriage. Dear poster, pls sit down and discuss with him or ask a superior authority you both respect to talk to him

  19. The question I have since this has been going on for so long is what is the point of the man in the relationship? If he's not playing any role whatsoever why are you still in the marriage. I couldn't even see myself laying down with a man like that at night. He's also setting a very bad precedent for your male children if you have any. Please let the deadbeat go, he's just taking up space and using resources you can hardly afford.


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