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Dear Thelma... (Hurting Wife Really Needs Your Advice)






Hello Thelma,

I'm a reader of your blog. I'm married but I'm not happy. I wish i could turn back the hands of time. I wish i knew many of the things I now know. I was very naive and my man took it for granted.
Hmm! how do I even start my story? When I was dating my hubby, I sincerely loved him with the whole of my heart, I trusted him with my life, I thought he was a true christian which he pretended to be. Our relationship was very smooth until I discovered he was having an affair with another girl. I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. I asked him about this other girl, he apologized profusely and said it was a once-off affair. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, so I forgave him.

We continued with the relationship and later got married. It was only few months into our marriage I realized he didn't end the relationship with the other girl. i discovered he was still seeing her and sleeping with her even a few months before our wedding. I discovered there other girls he flirted with and still keeps in touch with. Still flirting with them. I also saw nude pictures of this same girl on his phone. I was so devastated. Again, I asked about the pictures, and he said he didn't know the pictures were still on his phone. 
There are several occasions where I have seen intimate conversations with the opposite sex on his phone. We have had several issues with his relationship with the opposite sex after which he would apologise. These things pull me down and leave me with bitterness and regret. I remember with tears how he used to tell me not to hug the opposite sex even when i had nothing to do with them, how he used to set stupid rules which I sheepishly obeyed.  I really wish i let go when he first messed up.
I have forgiven him but of what use is forgiveness when there is no true repentance? I don't trust him for anything at all.
I want to leave everything in the past and I want to be happy. 

Please I need your advice Thelma. 
Thank you.

*******

"of what use is forgiveness when there is no true repentance?" Hmmm. 

Comments

  1. This is the situation you want to ask, is there any happiness at all in this relationship? If the poster isnt happy, i say take a walk. It sounds like the partner in question has no regard for anyone but himself. Problem is if one says pray he will change, is it when he gives her and std he will change? Or is it when he gives her unborn child and std that he will change? People make mistakes, i am not condoning infidelity, but for her partner it seems to be a lifestyle. People like those are dangerous. If she has no kids she should confide in the right set of people and move on for her sanity abeg. Life is too short.
    Thelma go on stellas blog, she posted an article for women, a lot more women need to realize their value.

    I have been married for 5 months, not everyday is a walk in the park, but i respect my partner and i believe he does the same in return.

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  2. Marriage matter! Never as cozy as it seems from the outside

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  3. This just brings tears to my eyes!!! The Hurt people go through sha. Love's cupid is just silly sometimes!
    Chei. Men but why?

    See how innocent & sincere her post is even, I can perceive she's a good woman. I'm not an advocate of divorce but his infidelity is the Bible's only ground for divorce, so since he isn't changing & it's making U unhappy & taking away your peace, Please leave him to his evil ways! U'll sure find ur male equivalent, someone who treats U like U deserve.
    #EHugsHon

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    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    3. Haaaaaa!!!! Is life that hard? Oya take this 200g of Chill pill... feeling better?
      I thought so too.

      Delete
  4. Take it to God in prayer. Nothing is too difficult for Him.

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  5. It's funny how people are quick to suggest divorce as the solution to marital problems these days... only FNLP suggested prayers and added that nothing is impossible for God... kudos to u! FNLP... God bless you.

    I'm young, never been married, never been in love... so I probably don't understand how she feels. I tell anyone that cares to listen what I would never take from any man.. But somewhere in mind... I know marriage is not a walk in the park.. and I know when I eventually get married... divorce should never be an option. if I didn't learn anything from my parents... I learnt that. problems would come, difficult situations like this would arise... but how to fight it, and make it work is your testimony and might I add victory.

    Iv heard stories about cheating husbands and I ask my mom.. why and how did the woman stay.. she'll smile, look at me and say.. you pray, pray and pray again! These things happen... but you fight for your marriage and keep praying.

    So dear poster.. trust me, several intelligent, powerful, spiritual women have walked in those shoes... and they came out victorious... I don't know how they did it but they did... I know it sounds like a broken record already but keep praying and work at it... it'll be fine. **hugs**
    You should see and older person.. a couple in church that you look up to... Someone you can confide in... someone who is spiritually mature that can guide you and teach you steps to take et al. all in all... Look up to God.. he won't let you down.

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    Replies
    1. AMEN. and God bless you too dear for this lovely comment.

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    2. Thank u kabuoy! Hope the 'I knw all' Ruthylicious is reading!

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    3. she should pray till she gets HIV.. of course pray. somethings are just pretty basic..like someone said, its in the bible..he has no regards for her. so dear poster..protect yourself and if you know you deserve better dip!. I'm tired of people making marriage seem like HARD WORK! yea, its hard work but there are certain things that should be avoided.. the abc of what not to do..eg be a serial cheat! not once not twice! but yea..let the wife pray pray pray..
      you deserve more darling! clearly the bastard doesn't think you do that's why he cheated while dating and still after marriage. give him an ultimatum and if he's been crazy Please YOU DESERVE BETTER.

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  6. Just as Ruthylicious said it's very obvious you are a good person. See poster you may not like my advice but this is what I have learnt from marriage, unless you are ready to divorce him then it's time for you to pray, pray and pray. I would have told you to ensure that you use protection during sex but as you are yet to have a child I cannot say that. If this is standing in the way of your happiness then find other things to make you happy. I know being young you thought that marriage will guarantee you happiness but it rarely does for anyone, you have to find ways to be happy independent of DH. Distract yourself, let your happiness show on the outside and just ignore him. You will see how he will reset his default settings and work on himself. Sorry dear poster.

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  7. To all d bitter anons after Ruthylicious. Know dat ur anger towards her is totally irrelevant, so u all should STFU and observe if u have nothing to contribute, Aiit? Blaady fools.

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  8. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, Mr or Miss Anonymous insulting Ruthylicious, I think that was uncalled for. Your comment was insensitive.

    It's just an advise, the poster is not obliged to take it.

    First of all her marriage was built on a wrong foundation "deception". So I beg to differ when you "holier than thou" commenters are so quick to attack. No woman goes into a marriage praying or asking for a divorce.

    We all want our marriages to work, however the first step is praying to God to marry the. Right person God has ordained for you.

    For those of us who are quick to say pray, let me tell you, even the prayer ain't easy at all, it t's just God's mercy that is keeping us. There are days when I wake up rush out of the house and only remember to pray when my bible alert for the morning hits my phone.

    I work in the social sector and out of the 30 widows on my empowerment program 20 of them are HIV +. They all got it from their two timing husbands who left them with children to cater for with little or no income. I'm sure they prayed too.
    If you are going to criticize someone, first ensure that you've stood in the exact spot they're standing n U walked in a different direction than theirs!!!

    How many Men, I mean married men will be asked to pray if he has a cheating wife?


    Dear poster, first advise I have for you, protect your self from any STD, your priority shouldn't be to get pregnant, a dead woman will not be alive to care for her child.

    If you really do love your hubby and you believe you can look beyond his past IF he is willing to change, then I suggest you both talk about this issue with sincerity while committing everything to God in prayer.

    Emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse, please find someone you respect to talk to, it's going to go a long way in letting out all the pain and frustrations.

    God bless you.


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    Replies
    1. Thank you oh. Lets stop with all this pray and pray. Its good to pray, but our senses havent left. The biggest problem with infidelity is the "gifts" which can be deadly. At what point is life valuable?

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  9. I think everyone is entitled to their opinion, Mr or Miss Anonymous insulting Ruthylicious, I think that was uncalled for. Your comment was insensitive.

    It's just an advise, the poster is not obliged to take it.

    First of all her marriage was built on a wrong foundation "deception". So I beg to differ when you "holier than thou" commenters are so quick to attack. No woman goes into a marriage praying or asking for a divorce.

    We all want our marriages to work, however the first step is praying to God to marry the. Right person God has ordained for you.

    For those of us who are quick to say pray, let me tell you, even the prayer ain't easy at all, it t's just God's mercy that is keeping us. There are days when I wake up rush out of the house and only remember to pray when my bible alert for the morning hits my phone.

    I work in the social sector and out of the 30 widows on my empowerment program 20 of them are HIV +. They all got it from their two timing husbands who left them with children to cater for with little or no income. I'm sure they prayed too.
    If you are going to criticize someone, first ensure that you've stood in the exact spot they're standing n U walked in a different direction than theirs!!!

    How many Men, I mean married men will be asked to pray if he has a cheating wife?


    Dear poster, first advise I have for you, protect your self from any STD, your priority shouldn't be to get pregnant, a dead woman will not be alive to care for her child.

    If you really do love your hubby and you believe you can look beyond his past IF he is willing to change, then I suggest you both talk about this issue with sincerity while committing everything to God in prayer.

    Emotional abuse is far worse than physical abuse, please find someone you respect to talk to, it's going to go a long way in letting out all the pain and frustrations.

    God bless you.


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  10. Biko T, delete all this my double comments abeg. Thks.

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  11. Hmmm, what can I say? I'm just speechless and feel so sorry for this poster. Singles, please take time too pray (and fast if you so desire) regarding the man or woman you consider for marriage. Marry the WILL OF GOD and not YOUR WILL. The only thing I can say is don't give up just yet; ask GOD to arrest his heart, put his fear in him greatly and disturb him with nightmares of the consequences of his infidelity.

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    1. As in ehn! Singles taking time to pray before they getting married cannot be over emphasized. My heart beats (literally) each time I think about marriage... stories like this really break my heart and i'm like if this is what marriage is about, I want none of it! But I find solace in the fact that marriage can be beautiful if it is with the right person...

      And Clare.. trust me I wonder about the std part too and how to protect yourself. Especially for someone that has not had a child like our dear poster. Very difficult case. I still strongly believe she needs counseling... like I said above.

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    2. *before getting married... ha! *oversight*

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  12. Biko T, delete all this my double comments abeg. Thks.

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  13. she should pray till she gets HIV.. of course pray. somethings are just pretty basic..like someone said, its in the bible..he has no regards for her. so dear poster..protect yourself and if you know you deserve better dip!. I'm tired of people making marriage seem like HARD WORK! yea, its hard work but there are certain things that should be avoided.. the abc of what not to do..eg be a serial cheat! not once not twice! but yea..let the wife pray pray pray..
    you deserve more darling! clearly the bastard doesn't think you do that's why he cheated while dating and still after marriage. give him an ultimatum and if he's been crazy Please YOU DESERVE BETTER

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  14. A woman though married has control of her body, if both spouses are faithful to each other, then they must not deny themselves of sex. However in this case clearly one party does not respect the vow he took before God to protect his wife.

    May God give her the wisdom to do the right thing, even if they don't divorce, she still needs to be sure that he does the needful. (check his hiv status and other stuff)

    The society places so much burden on the woman with the task of making a marriage work.

    When a marriage fails, the blame is usually meted on the woman, even Pastors say the same thing.

    This isn't fair, it takes two to make a marriage work.

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  15. Wish some people would just understand that the fact that someone advises one to pray doesn't mean the person wishes for the lady to keep accepting his cheating and then eventually catch an std. Think deeper please; do you need to tell a grown human being why and how she needs to protect herself? More importantly, I feel this is a lady that really wants to make her marriage work or better still, this is a lady that really wants to be with this particular man come rain come shine (the post/evidence speaks for itself, she still married him even though he cheated). She aint gon' leave him people, she only wants him to change and how best can you change a man? Go figure.

    I first heard Oprah say it many years back but I think its Maya Angelou's quote but there's a saying that goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Clearly, this lady has chosen to go down the other route and no matter what any of you say, this her darling husband is her LAST and FINAL busstop so from my own point of view, the best advice to give her would be to pray, pray n then PRAY some more until something happens.

    I watched the video of the lady who got beaten to a pulp(real life unconsciousness) by her then boyfriend in an elevator, well you know what? She went ahead and married him a short while later. So, to that kind of person, you wanna go physically drag her out of hubby's house? You think she would leave? You must be joking! Don't be fooled, prayers move mountains, o ye of little faith!! But then again, my opinion and we are all entitled to our/an opinion thanks to the right to freedom of expression under chapter 4 section 39 of the 1999 constitution of the federal republic of Nigeria.

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  16. The battered lady in my opinion remained in that relationship because of what she stands to gain financially. Women do not realize their self worth, that's why a man can treat them like trash.

    There are so many ...ish the society places on a woman, thus making it difficult to just wake up and opt out of a marriage.

    From my deductions in the write up, the poster isn't bent on dying to stay in the marriage, she is basically crying out for help, which can come in many ways besides getting a divorce.

    Sometimes temporary separation is good and a better alternative to divorce.

    If this man has refused to change, and the pain is killing you, give him some space.

    We too like suffer head for this country abeg.

    Single ladies, pleasssssssse, look before you leap. Marriage does not validate you as a woman, choose wisely.

    E.C

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  17. The battered lady in my opinion remained in that relationship because of what she stands to gain financially. Women do not realize their self worth, that's why a man can treat them like trash.

    There are so many ...ish the society places on a woman, thus making it difficult to just wake up and opt out of a marriage.

    From my deductions in the write up, the poster isn't bent on dying to stay in the marriage, she is basically crying out for help, which can come in many ways besides getting a divorce.

    Sometimes temporary separation is good and a better alternative to divorce.

    If this man has refused to change, and the pain is killing you, give him some space.

    We too like suffer head for this country abeg.

    Single ladies, pleasssssssse, look before you leap. Marriage does not validate you as a woman, choose wisely.

    E.C

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  18. I think the true colors of an individual are very well evident to a very large degree no matter how hard they try to pretend. I also know that there are very skilled pretenders that would do the impossible to deceive a sister or brother when they want something from you.

    I fell in love with a guy that stole my heart, men I really loved this guy to pieces, (good looking, rich, educated, church going christian lol)
    As much as I loved him and he claimed to love me, he had the tendency to cheat, I held back on sex with him for months and he was ready to wait, however, he was cutting shows outside,

    He said he wants to be with me but also has needs and wld like to sleep with babe's outside while he waits till I am ready.

    Yet he claims he loves and wants to marry me, as mmuch as I really loved him, I knew there would be no peace I'm such a marriage. I jejely returned his promise ring and moved on, it was hard and painful, but I'm in a better place now.

    THe signs are always there for us ladies to see, we only choose to ignore them.

    Poster, sorry for your pain, you are already married, do what you must to talk to him, pray together, show him love, protect urself and anything to make ur marriage work.

    God willing it will, people have passed tru worse, however, make sure u fine peace with any decision you take. E.C

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  19. So true E.C, the signs are always always there, we just choose to ignore. Sorry for what you went through with your ex, he did not love you and he never deserved you.

    Dear Poster, you are in the marriage already and seems like you still love this man, so pray about it, pray together, protect yourself, show him love, "above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8) and let God reveal to you, the right steps to take and like E.C said, the decision that would give you peace eventually.

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    Replies
    1. FNLP... i'm crushing on you right now!!! lol #nohomo! **hugs**

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  20. Hahaha crush away darling...#NoHomo

    ReplyDelete
  21. http://www.heatherllindsey.com/2014/10/i-want-to-leave-my-marriage.html, dear poster please follow that link I am sure you will benefit from that article.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello Everyone,
    I am Mrs Theresa Wallcott Owen, from mexico. My life became devastated when my husband sent me packing, after 17 years that we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to make my husband take me back. One day at work, i was absent minded not knowing that my boss was calling me, so he sat and asked me what its was all about i told him and he smiled and said that it was not a problem. I never understand what he meant by it wasn't a problem getting my husband back, he said he used a spell to get his wife back when she left him for another man and now they are together till date and at first i was shocked hearing such thing from my boss. He gave me an email address of the spell caster who helped him get his wife back, i never believed this would work but i had no choice that to get in contact with the spell caster which i did, and he requested for my information and that of my husband along with our marriage pic. He also told me that i was going to pay the sum of $170 to enable him cast the spell and i sent him the money, but after three days, my mom called my that my husband came pleading that he wants me back, i never believed it because it was just like a dream and i had to rush down to my mothers place and to my greatest surprise, my husband was kneeling before me pleading for forgiveness that he wants me and the kid back home, then i gave Dr. Okirika a called regarding sudden change of my husband and he made it clear to me that my husband will love me till the end of the world, that he will never leave my sight. Now me and my husband is back together again and has started doing pleasant things he hasn't done before, he makes me happy and do what he is suppose to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind, kindly contact Dr. Okirika for help and you can reach him via email: okirikaspiritualhindustemple@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

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