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Dear Thelma... (Troubled Blog Reader Needs Your Advice)




I have this thing that has been bothering me and really don't even know where to start the gist.
I have an elder brother who is quite cool and calm and also quite lazy. I say lazy because, even when we were all at home together, he had this mindset of not really doing stuff around the house (maybe it's the ibo man thingnie, not sure), I remember when I went for service, my mum, who was working so hard, would come home to find a stack of dishes he used and left for her to wash.
He also plays a lot of poker but, in truth, I'm not sure if he's addicted to it (I secretly suspect he maybe a gambler but there's nothing to substantiate this intuition) .
My brother is also rather secretive, I couldn't tell you anything about him, he's quiet and secretive.
And he's also prone to stories.
I'm just all over the place with my thoughts now and can't seem to arrange them properly.
I know things haven't been easy with him. At his age sef and with the disappointments he's been facing, I really do think he should be more prayerful- but he's just not the type (he'll turn 30 this month).
He's told my mum at some point that what others do and succeed, he does and makes no headway.
There have been instances where my parents have had to sell a property to raise money for a venture he was to embark on and he disappears with the money only to return to say he was duped- back to square one.
Because he is so secretive, you can't really say which is the truth or a lie.
I mean, everyone goes through ish but, when you hide so much, how can they help you?
He's been in one of these west African countries for about 2 years, says he's into IT. 
Before I was married, I knew he used to call my mum to borrow from her once in a while.
I got married, am working and getting better paid and, somehow he started to ask me.
First was part of his rent he couldn't raise, one other thing, I just noticed it was a monthly thing- the requests came in 4 times in 3 months and I've always given him with no questions ( little sums sha, 35k here, 25k, 20k, 25k) and this month was a request of about 40k to chase up a business and I had to refuse.
I didn't refuse because I didn't have but because he seems to be turning dependent and I REALLY do not know what he is doing.
He's just in his own world, cut off from everyone, even his friends ( I know that, generally, we tend to isolate ourselves from our friends when things aren't going ok)- am I being unfair or paranoid?
It's also annoying cos it's little, little sums which suggests he's merely taking his share of pocket money from my salary and not really doing a proper business- for how long?
Should I just give and see what happens?

Currently too, I'm on leave and will be for a year so I need my savings too.
I'm just surprised that this one time I didn't give has him sending msgs to my mum and talking about having not eaten for days and how he sees no use in suffering so much when he can't see any way out- he's not saying it to me- to my mum, but he knows I'll see the msgs ( my family is like that) - what can I do?
Naturally, DH who had been in total support of helping him and was planning towards a business he wants to go into and have my Bro take part in, realised what was going on and wasn't happy as he said my brother was using my brain, he was disappointed as he thinks my brother might just be the quick gratification kinda person- is he right or is it just that he doesn't understand that people can really be struggling? 


Comments

  1. Hmmmn, this is deep! Would have said this is my bro but mine made d small effort of getting a job.u all need to sit him down & ask what exactly he wants to do, does he want to build up a career or get self employed, has he thought of d long run of his attitude towards things? U all wont always be there for him & evry these dayz, it's all man for himself o, if u have to make him get committed in a church too, that would help lift his spirit cos who knows, he could be entering depression with all u ve listed above.he needs get busy, would have said set him up if u all can but he's not also accountable from what u ve said so 1st he needs counselling in all ways.all d best in this, worst thing is seeing a loved 1 this disintegrated.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If I do not know what you do with the money you collect from me, and ascertain the monies are being put into good use (does not necessarily mean immediate profit), I will stop giving.

    He's not making headway and he's being secretive about his dealings at the same time? I am sorry, if he's not ready to openly discuss what he's into and ask for help from appropriate quarters, I won't give any more dime.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. WORD... I took it outta my head F.
      And poster please DONT feel sorry. It's Ur Hubby & Kids 1st!
      Ur Bro is a grown man too. He should act it.

      Delete
  3. I know people don't like to hear this but I'm going to say it, especially if this your brother is the first son then you people might need to do more tan talking to him, sometimes there are forces at hand beyond what we can see. While you're at it pls stop giving him hand outs, you're only enabling him. How much longer will he continue to depend on people, because if you think he is going to stop then you're wrong. It's a different thing if he is actually making effort to better himself and nothing is working yet so you have to take care of him for now but someone that is very lazy will perpetually be a liability. Remember that you have your own family to think about too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe there are forces behind it all.
      I come from a large family and my dad used to be extremely wealthy.
      He had very envious and evil brothers who went diabolical and, suffice to say that at some point, we've had serious deliverance sessions at home that involved the excavation of pots and different items buried in our compound in the village.
      The men of God spoke also about how "they" tied my brother's destiny and made sure that I would not graduate and would due if I tried.
      I won't lie and say that at several stages in life, I didn't feel as tho there were unseen forces making things go bad BUT when you know you are surrounded by evil, you seek God fervently!
      No "man", esp, "man of God" can help you!
      My younger sis and I were/became pros at working out our salvation and through all of my bad habits ( smoking and drinking), I would always cry to God, take out time to fast, etc. Suffice to say it's been a case of jump and pass, so why is he so spiritually indolent?
      I send msgs to him about building his spiritual life, even if the darts weren't from family members, it would come from another angle- that's just the devil- all he seeks is to steal, kill and destroy- so why leave yourself porous and keep deceiving yourself?
      POSTER.

      Delete
  4. Hmmmmmmm.....Sister, your brother don turn you to ATM o! Cant he find paid employment and survive on that pending when and if the big break comes? He sounds like the dependent type and knowing he has people who he can always ask, he wont struggle. By whining to Mummy and subtly threatening her, you all should sit him down and talk some sense into him.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hmmmm. I can totally relate...though mine wasn't this extreme. Nothing makes sense to your brother at this moment. And I mean NOTHING. You might decide to stop cuddling him with cash...it's kind of a good idea, but don't make it look cold. Don't be desperate about his situation too. He's desperate and scared, scared of his own future, scared of what becomes of his parents and his siblings. You can call it paranoia but a number of us passed(are passing) through this silently. His silence and secretive nature is also most probably as a result of him contemplating suicide.

    Talk to him often. Be open to him and allow him to be expressive. If he's reluctant to do so don't rush him, but remind him you're there whenever he's ready to talk. And make sure you're there, even in the dead of night. Your bro is finding some meaning to life and needs a logical explanation to how he sees things now. Be patient; be VERY patient with him. Lastly, pray fervently about his situation. Stay blessed poster. I hope this helped.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was actually waiting for you to respond but, now, I find I'm more confused.....
      POSTER.

      Delete
    2. I'm sorry for the confusion, but you see, from all the comments here Kabuoy and a few others seem to be the only ones who really understand this kind of situation. It's not a matter of "he's lazy...he has to get his act together...he's a man...he shouldn't be cuddled.." and all that. When nothing makes sense to someone anymore, that's the height of depression. The next line of action is sinister and *comforting*; he or any one of you, his dear family, could be tragically targeted. I've been somewhere around that zone, so I know. And since it's not a logical situation you just need to be overly patient and open towards him, no matter the situation. Remind him often that you're there for him at any time. That'll help abit because he desperately needs someone to understand what he's going through since he himself knows there's no logical explanation to his issues. Stay blessed dear Poster.

      Delete
    3. I still don't understand you Memphis but, thank you regardless for the effort at explaining.....
      POSTER

      Delete
  6. If u were in ur brothers situation and he was the married one,what wld u do and how wld u want ur fam and inlaw to treat u/react?

    Yh,its tough out there but it's clearly tougher for a guy than for a lady. Yh,he needs prayers but he has to survive till the prayers work out for him. If he can't afford his rent,why is he living alone?

    He's ur brother,u either help him or u don't bother. If push comes to shove,let him be run a cab biz. (and yh,ive seen some hunky taxi drivers)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
    2. Wow,i wonder what u wrote that got it deleted before I cld read. Wld u mind repeating urself???

      Delete
  7. How long will you help help and help someone who doesn't want to help him/herself? It's not easy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hmm No offence poster but i hope he is not using the little you give hi on drugs or gambling. And yes he is picking your brain by sending those messages to your mum, You have done well by saying NO to his last request so dont feel bad about it.
    Of course the issue appears spiritual, and we know the physical controls the physical. But sometimes its what we allow that happens, You need to sit him down and have a deep conversation with him, he will probably not see reasons with you and shout at you for insultiing him because he asked for 40k but dont be weary YOU PRAY for him and that GOD MINISTERS to him personally.
    You also need to hold on with involving him in your husbands business as he is not accountable and you do not want to have a fall out with hubby. he needs Therapy and support system from his family which will not happen overnight, Its a continous work.
    Ask him what he wants to do and how you can help him become Independent, Also advise ypur mum to stop indulging him, he needs to man up.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dear poster... your brother does need serious prayers + deliverance and counseling. it has to start with you and your mom, the whole family coming together and praying for only him. It works. All these "signs"/"symptoms" /"signals" are dangerous ones. Very similar to my uncle's.

    I have an uncle who is in his mid-fifties. No house, no job.. he lives off his mom, his dad, his sister.. my popsy would have none of it... he(my dad) kept fighting with his mom and sister to stop pampering him, to let him find his own footing et al.

    And it all started like this... my aunt and grandma kept pampering him. he eventually turned against them... the last straw was when he almost killed my aunt... like he physically assaulted her. my grandma had to scream for help.
    So please before it gets to that stage.... pray pray hard about it... you should get him to seek counseling and then revive his spiritual life!(very very important) It is well!

    ReplyDelete
  10. The painful part is how insensitive he is to your mother. Who at the age of 30 puts such pressure on their mum. He is selfish, irresponsible and an adult. Therefore he should be left alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes it's easy for a person to sound just like you when they haven't faced spiritually manipulated financial blockage.
      Yours was merely marriage related and you got out unscathed.
      Had it been a financial rut, where you can't even get money to feed let alone talk of basics, then you'd be more understanding, Ife.

      Delete
    2. Anon why are u talking as if you know Ifesinachi Okonkwo? U obviously don't because based on ur comment ur obviously confusing her with Ifunanya Ekene. U see how u people just talk carelessly? Nawa.

      Delete
  11. Cut off the support quickly and see if you can get your mum and any other person to stop too. You will ruin him further if you don't stop and he will be beyond redemption by the time you realize the damage.
    He is a grown man and needs to get his acts together, life ain't fair but we often get what we negotiate.
    Please stop the "potty training" and quickly too! How he lives his life should be his business alone.

    ReplyDelete
  12. As Wale said, cut off the support, if he isn't working he shldnt be renting an apartment. The spiritual aspect (if there is) is only a small fraction of his problem.

    The issue of laziness has long been imbedded in his system, no witch or wizard will do you to the point that you cannot do ur dishes or help out at home.

    This is a warning to mothers and father's to train their sons well. Some women won't allow the boys do house work cos she has daughters.


    Now to the issue of the emotional black mail, that's the way he will continue to operate until he snaps.

    Try to find out thru ur personal investigation what he does with his life, if he ain't telling, then something is very wrong somewhere. You will be amazed at what you may discover.

    Please keep praying but stop the father Christmas approach.

    PLEASE don't allow your husband put him in any business venture, you will be very disappointed.

    Keep praying for him and try not to shut him out too. Clare

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am not in support of wastefulness...he is being wasteful on one side and unreasonable on the other. Pls close the bank on him for a while. I am presently going through a similar situation as I type and so is a close friend of mine...siblings who dont want to take advice and pick up their lives and the proud/arrogant/dependent ones. Once you stop giving such money...you become a bad person! Dats my case as I type now....all the good you have EVER done...has been flushed down the toilet! Apply wisdom...keep the line of conversation open, try and commot eye from his case but use one corner eye dey watch out for him...pray...God will grant you wisdom and grace and finally...dont throw away what you should use in taking care of your kids and husband on him o...I have learnt from experience that some siblings will still ask you wetin you do for them....no matter what you have done and of you dont get your own life in order they will still mock you about it also. God bless ....#JoyDaNuGirl

    ReplyDelete

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