I know it hasn't always been that strong but I'd like to believe that I've come to a point where I've so worked out the spirit within me that like a body subjected to lifting heavy weights, my muscles have been built, my spirit has been strengthened. Turned out I wasn't so right after all.
It's been a hectic day. Ups and downs. Wholeness and emptiness. Hope and despair. This evening just when I'd hoped that something would lift my depleting spirits I had a needle nip it in the bud and bring it crashing down like a deflated balloon.
Today... So Uyi invited me for something holding in Victoria Island, a filmmakers forum with Kunle Afolayan as the Speaker. I like to think myself a good person, someone who's generally happy for the successes of others. But listening to him talk about his successes I felt an anger within me. It makes no sense that I should have felt envious of Kunle Afolayan (absolutely no sense at all, yet I did). Just as I was trying to douse it I received a mail rejecting my application for a job I'd just applied to which something lied to my spirit I had good chances at.
Isn't that like the worst thing ever; Rejection? You know how sometimes you probably don't really want something but you ask anyways. And then you get told No. It hurts, regardless of the fact that you didn't really want it, but the fact that you actually asked and got turned down is like a smack on the butt. But to see something, smell it, really want it, dare to hope and then take that bold step of ASKING and get told NO, that's the sting of a vicious slap on the face.
And there I sat, reading my rejection letter over and over again while listening and simultaneously trying to blot out the voice of this confident man talking about his adventures, his endeavors, his overcome challenges and his successes. The anger within me simmered.
That was all well and good. Shit happens, so we're told. And while I was feeling like a bit of a failure, it broke me to smaller pieces to know that I've been too busy, preoccupied and uninspired to put out as many posts as I'd love to. And just when I was experiencing that feeling of a rock on my chest when I know that I haven't delivered on something; posts, and the fear that they'd wait for something and then abandon ship for the boat of a more capable sailor, one of my most beloved readers mails me. She sends me the picture of this beautiful piece of jewelry and says to help her thank one of my readers on whose blog she won that gift. I should thank her because it was on my blog that she found out about hers.
At this point I felt defeated. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's I after all who said it's an open market, yet in that same breath I admitted I sometimes feel like an aggrieved lover.
And then within my I felt my spirit sink.
And although I know there are different ways this can be construed and misconstrued, the fact remains that these are my truest feelings and I've always preferred to take my clothes off where my emotions are concerned. I stand before you, sincere, naked, fragile.