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Fragility.





I know it hasn't always been that strong but I'd like to believe that I've come to a point where I've so worked out the spirit within me that like a body subjected to lifting heavy weights, my muscles have been built, my spirit has been strengthened. Turned out I wasn't so right after all. 

It's been a hectic day. Ups and downs. Wholeness and emptiness. Hope and despair. This evening just when I'd hoped that something would lift my depleting spirits I had a needle nip it in the bud and bring it crashing down like a deflated balloon. 

Today... So Uyi invited me for something holding in Victoria Island, a filmmakers forum with Kunle Afolayan as the Speaker. I like to think myself a good person, someone who's generally happy for the successes of others. But listening to him talk about his successes I felt an anger within me. It makes no sense that I should have felt envious of Kunle Afolayan (absolutely no sense at all, yet I did). Just as I was trying to douse it I received a mail rejecting my application for a job I'd just applied to which something lied to my spirit I had good chances at. 
     Isn't that like the worst thing ever; Rejection? You know how sometimes you probably don't really want something but you ask anyways. And then you get told No. It hurts, regardless of the fact that you didn't really want it, but the fact that you actually asked and got turned down is like a smack on the butt. But to see something, smell it, really want it, dare to hope and then take that bold step of ASKING and get told NO, that's the sting of a vicious slap on the face. 

And there I sat, reading my rejection letter over and over again while listening and simultaneously trying to blot out the voice of this confident man talking about his adventures, his endeavors, his overcome challenges and his successes. The anger within me simmered. 

That was all well and good. Shit happens, so we're told. And while I was feeling like a bit of a failure, it broke me to smaller pieces to know that I've been too busy, preoccupied and uninspired to put out as many posts as I'd love to. And just when I was experiencing that feeling of a rock on my chest when I know that I haven't delivered on something; posts, and the fear that they'd wait for something and then abandon ship for the boat of a more capable sailor, one of my most beloved readers mails me. She sends me the picture of this beautiful piece of jewelry and says to help her thank one of my readers on whose blog she won that gift. I should thank her because it was on my blog that she found out about hers. 

At this point I felt defeated. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's I after all who said it's an open market, yet in that same breath I admitted I sometimes feel like an aggrieved lover. 

And then within my I felt my spirit sink. 

And although I know there are different ways this can be construed and misconstrued, the fact remains that these are my truest feelings and I've always preferred to take my clothes off where my emotions are concerned. I stand before you, sincere, naked, fragile. 



Comments

  1. I don't have the right words to say to you to Mk you feel better but all I can say is,it will pass."bear hugs".

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  2. Tee no dey worry ur preety head too much. Isn't it about having enough largesse 2 give out 2 ur BV's as u wish? With time, u'd have enough 2 give out. BTW, it's not mandatory 2 give out. It's jes a kind gesture and in some cases showing apreciation. Visiting ur blog alone is largesse on it's own coz here we talk abt life issues and get 2 learn 4rm pple like Wale, Memphis, Ruthylicious, Tope but to mention few. Unlike other blogs with little or no substance, where they often give away jes 2 make up 4 their lack of intelectual properties. Blogs with nothing 2 offer other than yeye celebrity gossip. *hiss*

    So abeg, no worry ya self. @ least we are not complaining.

    #Time..




    *lips sealed and watching*

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  3. it is well Thelma, please i beg you so fragile but don't break. Me will be too shattered to gather the pieces.

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  4. Dearie, I know you are not super woman or immune to negative feelings but baring it all this way. You deserve much more than hugs and kisses. I'll be praying for you. May that joy that you do desire come to you soonest by God's grace.

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  5. Thelma dont feel defeated. God likes to remind us that we are human. A family member just got diagnosed with lukemia at 37, my heart is literally breaking. Things have been so challenging that my husband and I decided to go to london for our honeymoon, but that isnt looking like it because we have to pool resources together to pay for the medical bills. I can go on and on, but i know God is faithful, this is a temporary state. My dear the anger you feel is normal, provided you dont let it consume you.

    You have it better than many, to think my darling was dancing away at our wedding less than a month ago and he is in a hospital bed in tears from pain. We found out the platelet concetrate making machine at both general hospital and UCH have broken down. Finding morphene has been hard And he is in so much pain.

    www.pynk360.com

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    Replies
    1. So sorry pynk,my prayers for ur relation

      Delete
    2. Sorry about ur family member.the Lord will keep & heal him,Amen.just when we all think we going thru alot,u see others & realise urs isn't even a tiny bit of problem

      Delete
  6. "You need to be happy, you need fulfillment, you need to be effective, you need to find your Way, then there's only one powerful tool: PRAYER" - Josemaría Escrivá. #The Forge.

    When we celebrated our birthday I went back to the first 15 posts and noticed that, with all the beautiful stories and throwback tales, we were having an average of 5 comments per post. Now look at TTB...

    Stay strong Thelma. I know sometimes you'll even feel guilty talking about your failings when it's obvious that you're ten times or more better than most people who seem happy, but your frustration isn't misplaced; it's relative to your status. You'll be fine. Be assured that as TTBRs pray for themselves, they remember you in their prayers... I remember you in mine. Be blessed.

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  7. T, things will definitely get better.

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  8. I think I understand how you feel in way, but there's no need for you to feel this way because, what's yours will surely come to you and you have a special place in many people's heart, mine included. You have touched lives and that's all that matters

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  9. I think I understand how you feel in way, but there's no need for you to feel this way because, what's yours will surely come to you and you have a special place in many people's heart, mine included. You have touched lives and that's all that matters

    ReplyDelete
  10. T, things will definitely get better.

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  11. T, things will definitely get better.

    ReplyDelete
  12. It goes to show you are human. No matter how nice we claim to be.some days or sometimes we feel this tiny bit of jealousy Towards the achievements of others. But your ability to snap out of it almost immediately makes you a winner. So tee snap out of it cos better days lies ahead. Hugs.

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  13. Things will eventually get better

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  14. T, look on the bright side, you are touching and changing lives thru ur bog. I can't start counting the advices from this blog that I have keyed into. My name for your blog is my Moral Support unknown family. Abeg, you better start feeling mighty cool with urself o, cus what u are doing thru your blog,, all of Dangote's raw cash cannot.
    Serious hug from moi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks guys. Ejoec and Easah.... No o! It's not the gift that 'pained' me, not at all o! It's just that worry that you're losing a blog reader. Lol. That's all, Ehen, and the painful part is when the blog your reader dumped you for is one that he/she found about on your own blog. Ouch. It's really nothing serious, guess it's all because I was already feeling down in the dumps that everything just started looking much worse than it was.

      Delete
    2. It doesn't matter who comes & leaves.urz will surely stay.cant even remember how/where I got ur blog from & have been stuck for more than 6 months now but didnt comment, gradually became anonymous & now here to stay.u will be surprised so many people gaining/reading from u,which I believe they all taking extra steps to comment more now.take it easy dear,u impacting more than u think

      Delete
  15. Thelma, we all have those days when we feel so fragile, it hurts. The good thing is God knows our frame and remembers we are dust. So itis understandable when you feel a tiny twinge bitter when things seem to be going well for others and not for you as you expect. But then again, sometimes things aren't always what they seem. No matter how confident some look on the outside, on the inside they may be dealing with a whole lot worse than you. As for your blog, you have touched me in a way I can't really express. I am still grateful I stumbled on this blog the day I did and for taking the time to respond to me personally, words fail me to express how grateful I was at the time and still am. I may not comment all the time, but I'm here. Everyday. And I know there are others like me who like the unabashed honesty you portray. So carry go, my sister. Nothing do you. Ogadimma. OJ

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  16. This happens, once in a while, to everyone. The fact that you were able to say it all out shows how strong and resilient you are! Tee, there are better days ahead! An unexamined life is not worth living. Stay blessed!

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  17. My darling T, you've forgotten already? The message? God is a God of tight spaces....He is ALWAYS on time too, you might think he's being draggy but He is a perfect God you know that right? That rejection is going to open another door to an even greater blessing and you are going to look back at this your post and laugh your heart out. Yes you can quote me on that. Your blog.....your blog....hmmm a blessing on its own and i know you hardly read comments but i need you to read all these comments and just cheer up and smile. I can totally relate to this post and i understand how you feel but you will see....time will tell......

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  18. Hey Tee. Your frustration is understandable but please don't let it weigh you down. Just keep improving on yourself and hold on to God, you'll be fine.

    As per the blog ish... I don't think you know how much of an impact you are making in people's lives with this blog.

    No matter how many times I visit Linda's blog, I always come back here. We discuss real life issues on this blog, stuff that happen in our everyday lives some of which we can't even make sense of until we discuss it here.

    I can't speak for other people, but in the few weeks that I have been a TTB reader, I have learnt so many lessons, seen life and everyday situations thru other people's eyes and learnt that I'm not the only one who struggles with certain things. You are doing an amazing job with the little you think you're doing. Please don't let anyone tell you different.

    Thank you for all you've done and the many more you will do.
    #Hugs

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  19. Dear Thelma,
    Why would you allow things to bother you this much when you indeed know you're blessed?! You know all the things you can truly be grateful for, past, present and future yet you allow the thief want to steal your smile?
    You know how much you're loved and appreciated, how in good time your blessings will start pouring forth and you allow sadness to come over? I'm not even trying to just make you feel good,or flatter, no, I hardly do such. You're blessed. It's the truth.
    And now you tell me this early, how shattered you are? So you make me shattered too? Because some of us who care can't just do all that will take away your worries...so you have to take us with you?
    I'm not saying you shouldn't get bothered, no. You should and can. But not like this. Not about these things you mentioned.
    In fact, if I must say, i jiro okwu chacha!

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  20. Moments like these will always come when we wish that letter had been stamped with "accepted". It's heartbreaking especially after you have had convictions. Then one begins to wonder what the inner confusion is all about. All I will say is, juicier opportunities will open up for you and a great job you shall get.

    Please stay strong, I know you have a lot of questions, even probably angry with yourself especially with the blog ish too,it's totally normal to feel that way. Allow yourself to go through the emotions but please do not let it affect your self esteem or excitement for more than 30 seconds. You are worth sooo much Thelms and your blog is nourishment to a lot of us. Smile now.

    ReplyDelete
  21. It's ok to be fragile now and then, and nothing wrong with admitting it. I don't believe anyone can honestly say they've never felt even a little envy or a sense of injustice, in similar situations.
    For all its worth T, like Easah says, your blog is definitely unique and that's much more than enough reason for anyone to stay. I never was a fan of blogs, once I recorded over a year of never visiting any at all but only heard gist from others on what goes on there. Then one day am introduced to TTB, got hooked enough to go back to the very first post and start reading. Now, I never end a day without visiting. That wouldn't have happened if I didn't like your content. I like your strength, I appreciate your honesty, I understand the weaknesses and definitely enjoy the stories. Also, on this blog i've become aware of people who through comments have given me strength to persevere in so many challenging issues so it's safe to say U've got something worth being loyal to here.
    Every great creation still has its own vulnerability. I guess it's God's way of making sure we never grow bigger than our breeches. "It is well" may sound like a cliché used when situations look bleak or hopeless, but it's still the truth I chose to believe.

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  22. Funny enough it was through some comment you made on someone's blog I linked up with yours, and I've told every one that cares to listen about yours, I get to work everyday and can't wait to open #thelmathinks, just continue doing what you do cos believe me u do it well and you'll be surprised you'll not need that job afterall

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  23. Life CAN be reeeeealy frustrating honestly! Somtyms you just feel this 'i don tire, na only me thing' but in all, just hold on to God....you will scale through this phase, that I can assure you by the grace of God. Takia dear and warm plenty hugs.....#JoyDaNuGirl

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  24. Its okay to be envious we are after all humans but the ability to snap out of it and focus on being better is what makes you different. This too shall pass and God will perfect everything that concerns you.

    I found your blog through a comment you left on bellanaija and I've been hooked ever since. Doesn't mean I don't go to bellanaija, I still do, everyday just like I come here. I also stumbled on the same blog you spoke about and I still come here, everyday. My point is, your readers are not going anywhere because what we have here is amazing and your content makes you stand out from the crowd.shikena!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dear Thelma,you knw u mean a lot even if I haven't bin commenting lately,@ this point I don't think you should be feeling bad cos u r loosing a blog reader,I feel u should be happy with the impact you are making in peoples life,thelma,u r working quietly,u will soon be honoured loudly,wen we clock 2, u will look @ ur achievements and thank God,like memphis said,u know ow it was 1 year ago,u can't compare it now..my darling,it will only get better jare.d fact dat u said dis out means one thing to me,you are a very good woman with a heart of gold,u deserve d best and dats what u will get..much love bae.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ehen...I was wondering! It all makes sense now.
    But reallye, T. If for anything, You are an inspiration! I'm always proud to tell people abt your Blog. I know it can Be more but Time n Chance would converge soonest for Both Job n other desires. Stay Blessed jare

    ReplyDelete

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