So... Hmmmmmmmmmm. Ok. Let me talk. I'm shyyyyy. LOL. Anyways... So here's the deal.
My frozen heart seems to be thawing at the sides *covers face*.
Aii, lemme stop clowning and get serious.
So, I've been 'talking to' a person or persons and maybe, just maybe there might be potential, I may in the near or distant future begin to catch feelings. Presently I'm catching no feelings yet but I know it's a possibility. Besides, everyone around seems to be on my neck.
Some weeks back in Nnewi, *Marcy on observing barely less that 24hrs of spending time with me, that I really cannot be bothered about man/men/marriage accused me of being too laid back. In her words; "it's like you're too laid back" and it wasn't what she said but how she said it; with disapproval and mild disdain.
We were talking about men and in those less than 24 hours she'd seen and heard my phone ring almost none stop, different calls from different men and none that I was interested in. When I didn't ignore the calls, I answered but my tone would make the guy rather I'd just ignored his call. It wasn't me trying to be difficult or acting like I'm 'too much', it's just the basic "Nah... Not interested" situation.
So the topic about marriage came up and I can't remember what exactly was said or what she saw but then in an unguarded moment she scrunched her nose, squinted at me and called me too laid back. And I did not like her tone.
I disliked her tone so much so that it's been on my mind ever since and I've been asking myself a lot of questions.
This morning I spent hours looking at properties with an older friend of mine, he's about 50 and we talk about almost everything. Between VGC and Lekki phase 1 he must have asked me about marriage a hundred times, in different variations. It was; "you better go and marry", "stay there and be selecting husband", "why don't you just choose one of these men and settle down with?", "Why don't you want to marry?", "you're always going on dates. Why can't you settle with one of those men?", "What are you afraid of?" And finally, when I told him to hook me up with one of the young eligible bachelors in his family; "Why do you want to marry? Aren't you scared of all these stories you hear everyday; the divorces, broken homes, sad marriages? Doesn't it scare you? Do you want to marry because of society's pressure or what?" I wanted to snap at him and tell him that he was part of "society's pressure", or wasn't he the same person that had just spent the last few hours chewing my ears off over marriage? I pointed out that the whole 'marriage is bad/many divorces these days' is a defeatist mentality and I wouldn't go into mine with that mindset whenever it comes, so no, I'm quite sure I'm not afraid.
What I'm trying to say that it's everywhere I look, like a huge looming sign board. MARRIAGE.
Let's go back to these person(s) that are forcing my heart to feel again. No, it's nothing concrete yet but trust me, in pure 'single female' fashion I'm already thinking ahead. Yet this time around the stakes are higher so the rules of the game cannot be the same. It's led me to ask myself a few questions.
*Marcy above is thirty years old and has been dating her boo for some months. I asked her if she thinks he might be 'the one' and she said she responded in the positive. Marcy is Miss Direct, not just with relationships but with everything in life. She told me that when he asked her out she sat him down and told him "Look, at this point in my life I'm not looking for a fling or looking to play games. Any relationship I get into now, I get into with the possibility of marriage as the end game. So Mr _______ if you're not ready for that or you had other things in mind this is the time to say so and retreat. No hard feelings, I will understand".
Quite frankly I admire Marcy's directness although she's not the only one I know who has had that speech with a potential DH at the start of a relationship. I've known a number of Miss Direct and I've noticed that more often than not Miss Direct gets the ring.
So where does that leave Miss Subtle? Of course I'm not saying Miss Subtle never gets hitched, they sure do, sometimes. They're the ones that play by the rules, act all nice and do everything right, dropping little hints here and there and when they're fortunate, he proposes.
My last serious relationship was when I was younger and then settling down was the farthest thing on my mind. Now at almost 30 like I said, the stakes have changed and it's a much different ball game. This is unfamiliar terrain and I'm quite clueless. It leaves me wondering what (approach) would work better to the advantage of a woman in my shoes; the single 29 year old woman.
Should she be Miss Direct and just like Marcy let him know straight up from the onset that she has expectations, her expectations are very clear, and should things go the right way she expects those expectations to be met? I wonder that Miss Direct might scare guys away what with all this talk of "men smell desperation from a mile away and they flee"... But then isn't it better that way? At least you're almost certain that a guy who hears that speech and still stays is very unlikely to be a time-waster...
Or should she be the demure Miss Subtle? Majority of (single) women are actually Miss Subtle, after all we've been told and taught that you don't go after a man, YOUR man will FIND you, and when HE does HE will propose to you at the right time. What this means therefore is that the proposal process and decision is very independent of you. Miss Subtle gets into a relationship with a good potential DH, becomes a good and supporting girlfriend to him, does everything as a good woman should, enjoys the relationship just like any other relationship and hopes/fasts/prays that one day, preferably in the near future, he pops the question. And this is what the "experts" preach.
Hmmm. This leaves a sister wondering, what's the way forward. I beseech you TTB readers, weigh in on this matter! What's the way to go; Miss Subtle or Miss Direct?