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Goodbye Miss Subtle. Hello Soon-To-Be Mrs Direct.





So... Hmmmmmmmmmm. Ok. Let me talk. I'm shyyyyy. LOL. Anyways... So here's the deal. 
My frozen heart seems to be thawing at the sides *covers face*. 

Aii, lemme stop clowning and get serious. 

So, I've been 'talking to' a person or persons and maybe, just maybe there might be potential, I may in the near or distant future begin to catch feelings. Presently I'm catching no feelings yet but I know it's a possibility. Besides, everyone around seems to be on my neck. 
     Some weeks back in Nnewi, *Marcy on observing barely less that 24hrs of spending time with me, that I really cannot be bothered about man/men/marriage accused me of being too laid back. In her words; "it's like you're too laid back" and it wasn't what she said but how she said it; with disapproval and mild disdain. 
     We were talking about men and in those less than 24 hours she'd seen and heard my phone ring almost none stop, different calls from different men and none that I was interested in. When I didn't ignore the calls, I answered but my tone would make the guy rather I'd just ignored his call. It wasn't me trying to be difficult or acting like I'm 'too much', it's just the basic "Nah... Not interested" situation. 
     So the topic about marriage came up and I can't remember what exactly was said or what she saw but then in an unguarded moment she scrunched her nose, squinted at me and called me too laid back. And I did not like her tone. 

I disliked her tone so much so that it's been on my mind ever since and I've been asking myself a lot of questions. 

This morning I spent hours looking at properties with an older friend of mine, he's about 50 and we talk about almost everything. Between VGC and Lekki phase 1 he must have asked me about marriage a hundred times, in different variations. It was; "you better go and marry", "stay there and be selecting husband", "why don't you just choose one of these men and settle down with?", "Why don't you want to marry?", "you're always going on dates. Why can't you settle with one of those men?", "What are you afraid of?" And finally, when I told him to hook me up with one of the young eligible bachelors in his family; "Why do you want to marry? Aren't you scared of all these stories you hear everyday; the divorces, broken homes, sad marriages? Doesn't it scare you? Do you want to marry because of society's pressure or what?" I wanted to snap at him and tell him that he was part of "society's pressure", or wasn't he the same person that had just spent the last few hours chewing my ears off over marriage? I pointed out that the whole 'marriage is bad/many divorces these days' is a defeatist mentality and I wouldn't go into mine with that mindset whenever it comes, so no, I'm quite sure I'm not afraid. 

What I'm trying to say that it's everywhere I look, like a huge looming sign board. MARRIAGE. 

Let's go back to these person(s) that are forcing my heart to feel again. No, it's nothing concrete yet but trust me, in pure 'single female' fashion I'm already thinking ahead. Yet this time around the stakes are higher so the rules of the game cannot be the same. It's led me to ask myself a few questions. 

*Marcy above is thirty years old and has been dating her boo for some months. I asked her if she thinks he might be 'the one' and she said she responded in the positive. Marcy is Miss Direct, not just with relationships but with everything in life. She told me that when he asked her out she sat him down and told him "Look, at this point in my life I'm not looking for a fling or looking to play games. Any relationship I get into now, I get into with the possibility of marriage as the end game. So Mr _______ if you're not ready for that or you had other things in mind this is the time to say so and retreat. No hard feelings, I will understand". 

Quite frankly I admire Marcy's directness although she's not the only one I know who has had that speech with a potential DH at the start of a relationship. I've known a number of Miss Direct and I've noticed that more often than not Miss Direct gets the ring. 

So where does that leave Miss Subtle? Of course I'm not saying Miss Subtle never gets hitched, they sure do, sometimes. They're the ones that play by the rules, act all nice and do everything right, dropping little hints here and there and when they're fortunate, he proposes. 

My last serious relationship was when I was younger and then settling down was the farthest thing on my mind. Now at almost 30 like I said, the stakes have changed and it's a much different ball game. This is unfamiliar terrain and I'm quite clueless. It leaves me wondering what (approach) would work better to the advantage of a woman in my shoes; the single 29 year old woman. 

Should she be Miss Direct and just like Marcy let him know straight up from the onset that she has expectations, her expectations are very clear, and should things go the right way she expects those expectations to be met? I wonder that Miss Direct might scare guys away what with all this talk of "men smell desperation from a mile away and they flee"... But then isn't it better that way? At least you're almost certain that a guy who hears that speech and still stays is very unlikely to be a time-waster...

Or should she be the demure Miss Subtle? Majority of (single) women are actually Miss Subtle, after all we've been told and taught that you don't go after a man, YOUR man will FIND you, and when HE does HE will propose to you at the right time. What this means therefore is that the proposal process and decision is very independent of you. Miss Subtle gets into a relationship with a good potential DH, becomes a good and supporting girlfriend to him, does everything as a good woman should, enjoys the relationship just like any other relationship and hopes/fasts/prays that one day, preferably in the near future, he pops the question. And this is what the "experts" preach. 


Hmmm. This leaves a sister wondering, what's the way forward. I beseech you TTB readers, weigh in on this matter! What's the way to go; Miss Subtle or Miss Direct?




Comments

  1. If Miss Subtle ain't working, it's time to switch to Miss Direct. And it's not about been desperate, it's about an approach that might just tell how serious you are about investing your emotions and time to a profitable end.

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  2. You know what I will say. Just be direct. But not desperate o LOL...

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  3. Miss direct of course. The kind of man that I am too shy or feel too proper and lady like whenever I am around is the kind of man I don't want to get married to. What happened to communication. Unmarried couples spend more time talking about sex and other people's relationship - things that don't matter than talking about what's really important for their relationship. My own is don't beat around the bush. If he doesn't want propose the earlier you tell him and he goes the better for you. You can't have someone blocking your road.

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  4. Honestly, at this stage of my life (29), it's Miss Direct... Hate it or Love it

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  5. Hmmm, Miss Direct could backfire but at 30 Miss Subtle might be taking a risk. Most men don't like miss direct and it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't plan to commit to her. I think be subtly direct. Lol

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  6. Don't be who you can't be. Don't be Miss Direct now and people start searching for the real You. Still feel young, still be Miss Subtle. I'm almost convinced that a Miss Direct at 30 will unsettle most potential suitors because men will talk about being extra careful then, for instance, having ample time to gain reasonable trust.

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  7. Miss direct I would say but don't appear desperate because being Miss subtle at almost 30 is a 50-50 chance but being Miss direct is an 80-20,have always been a direct person in everything I do in life, not just relationship and it's been working for muaaa. So be subtly direct like d anon above said.

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  8. Do you want to keep waiting? i guezzzzzz nooooooooooooo, then say it DIRECT!!!



    #StillThinking

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  9. i dont like the whole direct thing, there''s a thin line between being Miss Direct and desperation. Fact. I'll go with Memphis, forget your age (whats the big deal in being 30 and single anyway?) and just be who you are and dont be who you cant be. The right guy, the one that's meant for you will still find you even if your'e Miss extremely subtle. Bottom line, dont change who you are just to fit in and get a man.....without even stating it upfront, your'e an intelligent person and you should be able to spot the game players from the get-go. Go in with your head first....and then your heart,most of all, be yourself. its not a game.

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  10. oh was gonna add....c'mon lets call a spade a spade, telling a man you just met that you only want to get into a relationship with the possibility of marriage as an end game DOES come across as desperate even though you may not actually be a desperate person. Why not just let it flow and just dont give him any reason to think you only want a fling/something short...your actions and how you go about the relationship should do all the talking.

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  11. Miss direct I would say but don't appear desperate because being Miss subtle at almost 30 is a 50-50 chance but being Miss direct is an 80-20,have always been a direct person in everything I do in life, not just relationship and it's been working for muaaa. So be subtly direct like d anon above said.

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  12. Any sensible man asking you out now would know it has to be serious enough to lead to marriage except he just wants a fling and I believe you can smell such from afar. So I would say just be the person you've always been cos there's no telling if changing to miss direct would work for you just because it worked for others.

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  13. Please find a middle ground between both!
    I'll say be "subtly direct" which is what every woman who's thinking marriage at any age should be!
    Shikena....

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  14. I was miss direct at 31, not because i wanted a ring in 6 months, but because i was tired of shit and garbage relationships. I needed to break the cycle and i wanted a partner for the long term. Wasn't keen on any 6 month relationships and stuff. Sometimes not being direct gets you nowhere, and i did get a proposal 9 months later. So it worked for me. Being assertive= i want and deserve a relationship; because i deserve it. being desperate= please date me and marry me because i need to be a mrs.
    Desired end goal is the same, but one is respectful.

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  15. I was miss direct for DH too.
    After I'd begun receiving his calls for an hour or two in 4 consecutive days in a row, I plainly asked him what he wanted- he couldn't be calling this much without wanting something.
    He'd earlier told me he'd wanted to be "good" friends but after the 4th lengthy call, I told him plainly I didn't really want a "good" friend who'd occupy so much of my time.

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    Replies
    1. Lol @ "I told him plainly I didn't really want a "good" friend who'd occupy so much of my time." way to Go anon!

      Delete
  16. Wow... okay... some of you might wonder what kind of hole I live in or crawled out from... but quite frankly... I have never thought of(considered) being in any (romantic) relationship without marriage being the end of it... like..

    I'm 22 and any guy I can't see a future with won't even get my "ear" time... iv refused to go into any romantic relationship because I really do not see marriage in sight(for now) so why invest time and emotions into somfn that'll eventually(definitely) pack up and not lead anywhere... fun? Companionship? Nah... too much drama... iv always always seen it from that angle... so yeah... the very serious proposals iv gotten(i say serious cuz there are lots of silly guys around that just want what you can't give) I ask directly ni! no time for unnecessary senrenren! "Ain't nobody got time for that" (unfortunately! I'm not even ready yet)
    I didn't even know there was an age limit to being subtle or direct. I guess it's because iv always been a direct person. So thelma... as you like it ni... but IMO, being direct ≠ desperation. It's just knowing what you want and not settling or managing or in this case wasting time. A direct, sincere and responsible guy would appreciate it and jejely state what he wants or move on! (and anyone that would want(or try) to deceive or insult you cuz of your openness and directness... I declare by the power...." I wie be declaring the rest during the "night vigil" ... lol... *hugs*

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  17. These days we all have to be direct. You know what you want and no one should waste your time. and how does that mean you are chasing a man ? its far from it.and the guys saying ladies who use the direct approach are desperate, well I say those guys are here to play games and you don't have business with them.
    Why go into something blind folded ? besides.. these questions come in during early stages while dating..
    where do you see yourself in the next 5 yrs ?, what are you looking for in a relationship and also in a guy ?.. by answering those questions a guy should know you are not looking for a chill buddy abi shisha mate..

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  18. Subtle, direct, subtly direct, directly subtle, etc all to catch the ring?? Issorait!

    I thought it is said that the fire to roast a snake shouldn't be based on the size of the snake to be roasted?
    Study the man you want to be subtle or direct with, men are not a one size fit all product made in China. What worked for miss pynk could make kabuoy's ogbono soup go sour.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmao! Uyi save me o! lol!

      Wale (my dad's twin) lol!

      Delete
  19. Find a middle ground. Most importantly, let your actions tell him u r not a play thing.

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  20. Nice cleavage, ur breasts look full. It have me a hard on. He will like it too. I guess he will propose.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Foolish silent reader that won't remain silent. Agbaya.

      Delete
  21. I d prefer miss direct,it looks as if bin subtle didn't work for you,whats d essence of wasting ur time on being subtle? @ dis stage its better to call a spade a spade jare.a mature man won't see bin direct as bin desperate.BTW,u look good in dat 'pishure'

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  22. I'd prefer miss direct anyday and time, no time for too much drama

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  23. At this point in my life, am miss Direct o!
    No time for flings at all
    My r'ltinship shld lead somwhr

    ReplyDelete
  24. My dear, miss direct o. I was miss direct to my hubby when we met. Told him upfront I didn't have time to be doing boyfriend /girlfriend stuffs. That was 4 years ago and I was almost 25 then. After a month, he proposed. 4 years after and I don't regret it a bit. Boyfriend dey tire a beg. But please don't get desperate cos men can see it. Be direct and content in you. Told him I enjoyed being single and would rather be single than wasting time

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  25. Miss Direct o, there's a way to b direct and not look desperate,the guys should know your expectations and all ,its about having stability in one area so you can focus on other things instead of worrying and wondering

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  26. Whatever works for u, because some guys will tell the direct lady what they think she wants to hear and still misbehave later on saying they meant it when they made the utterance

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  27. I would say it depends on the situation you find yourself. Some guys will come to you and start beating around the bush while some will outrightly tell you 'I wan marry giwan'. Just let the situation help you decide which approach works better. If the guy come and you like am but e dey waste time even after you don show am 'positive signal' den DIRECT da man but if he is showing over seriousness and you feel say dis one really like me...SUBTLE is the way to go. I pray God gives you a good man jare make we know who dey and who no dey....#eviction tins.......#JoyDaNuGirl

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  28. Hi thelma, I will say be Miss Be yourself/ Miss Do you.I do not believe you have to act a certain script to achieve anything.
    my 2 kobo
    HSF

    ReplyDelete

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