That moment like every other moment when your heartbeats raced because you might be pregnant
That moment after those moments you realized that pregnancy doesn't happen just like that
That moment resulting from the last moment when you began to get careless
That moment you became freer with your body and deeper in love with him
That moment that you realized the sex was very regular and reaching for a condom wasn't always viable
That moment you opted for pills instead
That moment you forgot to take the pills
That exhilarating moment of relief flooding through you when your pant stained red
That moment when you realized you've been lucky once and you'll be lucky again
That moment when he said he loved you and would be with you no matter what
That moment when you became even more careless than you were the last time
That moment when you realized you're late. Really late
That moment when bestie held your hand and led you to the chemist
That moment when she watched you nervously watch the stick and the clock simultaneously
That moment when you saw two lines and your heart literally stopped
That moment when you realized there was another life within you
That moment you called him to tell him and it dawned on you that there are exceptions to the "I love you, no matter what" clause
That moment you realized you're on your own
That moment you slipped into denial; if no one can see it then it's not real
That moment you snapped out of it because everyday that passes the life within you grows
That moment you felt a cramp in your belly and a tug at your heart strings
That moment you realized that in some months you could be a mother
That moment you're filled with joy, ecstasy and pride!
That terrifying moment you realize that it would be easier to die first than to have that child
That moment that differentiates the courageous from the not-so-courageous, the moment you decided you had to let it go
That moment you walked into the clinic, your heart a staccato of drum beats
That moment you called his phone hoping he would pick and say "Don't do it!"
That moment you realized your lover had completely left you in the lurch, just a second before the doctor calls you in
That moment they parted your legs and tears slid from your eyes
That moment it's over and you're torn between relief and sorrow
That moment, those many moments that follow when you wonder 'what if'
That moment you realized no 'what if's what's done is done, life goes on.
But... What if?
Those moments you're filled with a sense of loss, emptiness, guilt, bitterness, shame, agony, confusion and misery because you once held something so special within you and you had it torn away, torn apart from you in the most brutal of ways
That moment you look up into the cloudy skies and ask for forgiveness, from both the One who gave you life and the one whose life you gave away.
That moment you wonder if you can ever forgive yourself.
That moment you realize that the healing must start from within you.
After numerous conversations with several people, it occurred to me that abortions happen everyday and no one ever talks about them. For the majority of people who have had abortions the feeling afterwards is one of relief and freedom. But for the few who actually experience that sense of loss, misery and the other unpleasantness, I wrote this because my heart goes out to you. I hope you find a way to forgive yourself.
In all things please stay safe, stay protected and do all you can to avoid this until you're ready for (the responsibilities that come with) motherhood.