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The Idea Of Him...

Good morning guys!

Yesterday evening I attended midweek service, awesome as always I tell you! And guess what,  I went accompanied by a blog reader; FNLP. Well FNLP is a new neighbour so I guess we'll be seeing quite a lot of each other, except that she claims that she's more introverted and reclusive than I am, so I wonder what kinda relationship we would have... LOL. I'm sure it won't be that bad though, we got along quite well. 

After service we decided to hang out for a bit before going back home so first we went to Ebeano, I wanted to get some popcorn and she wanted to window shop for home appliances for her new place. Afterwards I wanted Cold Stone, she wanted Sweet Kiwi so we did the latter. Feels good having someone making healthier choices, because I really don't need that Cold Stone ice cream in my life right now. 

Anyhoo... When we got to Ebeano, just as I was about to park the car I saw him. *Chuma Udechukwu. My heart skipped a beat and I was suddenly transported to 2011 when I was writing my bar finals and how after preparing all my drafts in my exams I'd end them by signing my name as Nwando Udechukwu. Yes, I wanted to be Mrs Udechukwu so terribly that I was going to prophetically act it into reality. *RME*. 

Dang I wanted that man! Ironically I wasn't ready for marriage, nor did I particularly want to be married then. But Chuma was just everything I thought I or any right thinking woman would want in a husband. He's extremely ambitious, extremely smart, an over achiever, very successful, tall, handsome, a full head of hair, rich, a great kisser, bla bla bla. Chuma and I had something going on. I said "something" because it was never quite defined as he persistently refused to have it defined. 

For years I'd found myself hoping, praying and fasting that God would do it for me, I felt like if Chuma should be my husband and the father of my kids I'd have everything I need (I'm not speaking in material terms). 

The something Chuma and I had far outlived any of my relationships, so that up until this year he was still an important part of my life. However, on March 16th 2014 I realized that he didn't deserve a place in my life and asked him to stay out. I deleted him from my bbm, sent him a text asking him to lose my number, took him off whatsapp and deleted his numbers. 

His offense; he didn't show up at my birthday party. 

Well that wasn't the reason I cut him out but it the straw that broke the camel's back, an 'Aha!' moment, the spittle that washed the scales off my eyes. 

When I called him in the evening of my birthday and asked why he didn't show up and he dismissively responded that he had to go see someone, I had sudden clarity. In the five years of our non-relationship I'd always known but I just refused to accept it. I tried to remember just one thing Chuma had done for me in five years. ONE. And guess what, I could think of NONE. He was never there when I needed him, he'd never console or comfort me in my time of need, he NEVER puts anyone before himself, he was never interested in anything I had to say, he's an extreme workaholic that would sooner die than have a social life or put something else before work, he's an industrious business man and money is the MOST important thing to him, he is a typical "African" man in the way that they can sometimes be of the mindset that a man and a woman can never be equals, and  some things are far beneath men and should be left for the women, he has that mindset that women have very set roles in the life of a man and those roles can never be negotiated, for all his wealth and success he is one of the most frugal men I know; frugality bordering on extreme stinginess. He is actually a very boring person and the extent of his conversational skills are work and money, talk about anything else and his eyes glaze over. He has no friends, only business associates because anything outside work and money is rubbish. And lastly Chuma is easily the MOST selfish individual I know, male or female. 

So why was I suddenly realizing this? Why had I spent many-a-midnight praying that one day he will see the light and put a ring on it? Why could I have sworn that I was madly in love with him? On the evening on my birthday I admitted something I had known for the past few years; I wasn't in love with Chuma, I was in love with the idea of him. 

It's with a grateful spirit that I thank God that Chuma chose/chooses to stay committed to his job and his money and never took things further with us, constantly professed love to and for me but never proposed commitment or marriage to me. I am so thankful because I know without a doubt that right now I would be one bored, frustrated, unhappy and dissatisfied wife. 

In the months that followed I've found myself wondering how many people marry people that they don't love, but love the idea of. When one of my unhappily married friends admitted this to me I understood how she felt; "to be honest I didn't love him, I just loved the idea of him; that someone like him would be my husband, someone that any girl will be lucky to have... It's after we got married that I realized that I don't know him. I don't know my husband..."

Yup! It happens. 

Some of us don't know until it's too late that we don't love someone and we never did, we just loved the idea of them.


  1. T, I had someone like dat in my life. After my eyes opened gaaannnn, I used bleach with a drop of raw acid to wash him away from my life, and I thank God for this.

  2. T this is some scary piece. I better start analyzing my emotions. "The idea of him"? Na wa o... We shouldn't just look before we leap, but look up, down, left & right. Hmmm. GOD help us, the single and married.

  3. Hmmmm "the idea of him" that's so true. In reality that's the current situation of most relationships. Tee lucky you to realise it wasn't him per say that you loved before marriage.some aint so lucky. Time to review all the reviewables. Cant afford story that touches the kidney later. Tee ve decided to start commenting ,so help me God.

  4. God saved you! But one thing I'll say is, is love a sole reason to get married?! Ur friend just married the wrong man, because if she was been treated as she should be, that love would have over developed even if it wasn't there before. There are plenty ppl that go into marriage just for love and that love will wipe out instantly when life hits u in the face.

    I'm sure u were truly in love with Chuma but he never did anything to nuture the love and just like anything delicate it died due to malnourishment.

  5. Thelma Nwando, mehn! That was DEEP! I'm flabbergasted!

  6. Thelma u have no idea how many marriages fail just because someone loved the IDEA of someone. People just see what a person represents and the kind of life they can have with that person and the next thing is marriage. Unfortunately you get to realize too late that you never even loved the person in the first place. It's almost the same way most Nigerian girls love the idea of marriage but how many really know what it takes to be married? That's why you see people put so much planning into the wedding and not the marriage. People need to open their eys.

  7. loll so tall fine boy like that has all this drama? nahhhh you would have been a veryyy miserable wifey....even from that his first statement he made yesterday something about how he was thinking of you....mscheww I already knew...what a liar lol. ThankGod it was dark and he didn't catch me rolling my eyes.........

    Don't worry, bae is coming. he wasn't your bae. not even close.

  8. Oro agba..I better learn from professor thelma o.

  9. One person comes to mind, I love the idea of having her as a wife, she's homely, beautiful, respectful and everything a man would want in a woman. Luckily for her, she's been in a relationship for 4years and that window is closed for me and I'm content been her friend.
    For the record, I have a crush on this blog and I think K...... falls into this category too

    1. i think you should tell her how you feel. think about it...

  10. Lemme start thinking seriously.....Thanks T for this

  11. I dated a Chuma, Ikechukwu was his name, big mistake .

  12. oya..single and searching females..apply

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  14. Hmmm. I loved the idea of someone to the point where i was depressed every damn weekend. And the day i broke it off for good i had a nervous breakdown. One thing about people we tend to love the idea of is that they are generally selfish people. And so you keep thinking if you show them more, they will do better and be kinder to you and finally see the light. Taah for where. Love is never enough with selfish people, they have no conscience.

  15. Hmmmm.
    I feel like this is the exact reason Kim-K married Kanye.
    I truly don't feel she LOVES Kanye, she loves that she's idea that she's Mrs Kanye West.
    Kanye, on the other hand, seems to be obsessed with her which is typical of relationships like this.


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