Skip to main content

The Things Men Do, The Things They 'Don't' Do... (Double Lives & Wills).





I remember some weeks ago I asked a hypothetical question; what you would do if as a woman you lost your hubby and only found out after his death that he had other children. I asked if you would split your husband's estate with them. 


Last week one of the topics on Sharing Life Issues with Wana Udobang was death and making wills. I was shocked to hear a caller say he's married with 3 kids but has not and will never make a will. His reason? He's not from the kind of family where relatives will interfere when he dies. I became so incensed that I picked up my phone and immediately called Inspiration fm. I've not been so agitated over something that doesn't directly affect me in a long time. In fact, out of my annoyance I went all legal, stated that I'm a lawyer and listed the legal ramifications of his actions (or lack thereof). I just needed to drive home to the man that he was playing with fire, which I pointed out in no uncertain terms. (Immediately I hung up I got a text from FNLP saying she just heard my call and "accused" me of advertising/soliciting clients on air. LOL). 

Now this post I just saw on Bella Naija  has both ingredients, she's just like the woman in my hypothetical question and her deceased husband, besides being like the husband in the question, is also like this man above who for reasons best known to him had properties but refused to make a will. The letter was sent in by her friend:

 ...She was married to her husband for 18 years and it was a very blissful marriage till he sadly passed on about five months ago. She has two daughters for him 17 years and 15 years and the first one is in the university presently. The issue is that she never knew her husband has a set of twin boys until she got to the village for his burial. She was shocked when her husband’s family called her for a meeting and brought the children and their mother. They are 20 years old and their mother though married to another man is from her husband’s village. She was so distraught and couldn’t wait for the whole ceremony to be over and returned to Lagos....
    Now her husband did not write a will and she got a message from her in-laws that one of the two houses that she built together with her husband will be given to the other children as they are also her husband’s blood. The truth is that her own financial contributions in the two houses they have is far more than her husband’s contribution and here they are telling her it’s the tradition. 



Reading this really hurt me and I'm hoping she finds the strength and wisdom to do the right thing. 

But what is it with men and living double lives? A number of my mum's friends/acquaintances found out after over twenty years of marriage that their husbands had other families they were completely unaware of. A blog reader just found out recently that father has a lady outside who has a couple of kids for him and the kids are grown. 
     Men please is there something exciting about living a double life? How do you sleep at night for many many years laying next to a woman who thinks she knows you but has no idea who you are? 

I'm curious about this; what percentage of a man's property do you think should be left to the wife? (I've noticed that wives aren't usually very favoured in wills) 
     And while we're talking about the wife, why do wives rarely make wills?

 I'm also unclear about one other thing, why don't people make wills? Do they think if they do then they're calling death upon themselves? Do they think they will live forever? Or like that caller do they think it's completely unnecessary... 

Are you from a family where issues arose as a result of the deceased's failure to leave a will? What was it like and how were these issues eventually resolved (if they've been resolved)? 

Please share. 

Comments

  1. Hmm...
    I hate man-made problems!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Man made problems. As a woman, know where your giving limit is. Note i didnt say dont support your husband but apply common sense, thay way if stuff ever hits the fan, you and your kids are taken care of. If you dont want to feel like you are being deceptive, buy your assets in your children's name. If you know how many empires have been built off will's or estates that have been under dispute for 30 or more years you will be amazed. My father set his up as some sort of trust.
    My husband and i both agreed he has to have a will, and i have to have one. We have also discussed beneficiaries etc.

    the woman in question can try to prove her contribution to the man's estate, but in nigeria that might be futile. Might just be easier to split stuff down the middle for her sanity.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Pressure from society to get married, have kids..as many as possible, have male children. You'll hear things like "our family is very fruitful, it's not natural that you and your wife stop at 3 kids. There's this girl I saw last week...". Then ofcourse, the usual *excuse* that GOD didn't make us monogamous. #stifles laugh#.

    And yes, Thelma, I think the idea of making a Will feels like a death sentence to some people.

    And...incase any lady decides to attack me with artificial nails let me put it to y'all that women hardly make Wills because it's in their nature to collect. Men have ABSOLUTELY no problem with this, so don't scratch me biko. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that women hardly make Wills because it's in their nature to collect. Men have ABSOLUTELY no problem with this, so don't scratch me biko. :D
      Memphis I an scratching u right now. This is not true at all, it's because most of the properties that women acquire during marriage and shared by both husband and wife. Would you men knowingly allow your wives to have properties in her name? Shioor. There's nothing that threatens nigerian husbands like a wife's independence.

      Delete
  4. Thelma, I was listening in when you called the programme. Your voice sounded so young. I was expecting this post since then; and yes, that man under reference sounded naive.

    I've often held the belief that you do not know the number of a man's kids (and wives in some cases) until he dies. Too many examples to establish this belief.

    My dad left no will and his properties fell into wrong hands. As for me, as soon as I have a tangible (long term) investment, I'll make a Will. Already, my little pensions fund balance has a splitting formular.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It did? LOL. I don't know how my voice sounds but I know I was rushing my words because I felt like I was being timed and the timer would do off at any second.

      Delete
  5. Hian! Atm machine dispensed d wrong amount of money 3 times in 2 days! Mr Lee should take several seats biko. unable to dispense and out of service we knw, this his own na peculiar matter.
    As to the worst case scenario he's painting, there are far worse places than this state and even this country so he should stop making bandwagon influenced opinion. Cheap popularity seeker oshi!
    In fact I aff binu! Too vexed sef to call to mind one good thing about my lagos...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dnt knw why this is here ooo... blogger I guess. As to this present post, I've heard too many double live stories this year that am starting to believe it's the new norm. Let me sit back and read comments

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  7. But what is it with men and living double lives? Double lives is not peculiar to men alone, many men are unknowingly raising children fathered by other men and they will never ever know the truth except in rare situations. It is a societal problem where people cannot open up and be straight with their partners.
    Not a fan of excuses but I am often times forced to say that many men are driven into unwanted situations by their wives and I expect things to get worse with more women confessing to being stubborn and overbearing. Sure we have men that are plain irresponsible and should have been abandoned by their wives to save everybody from avoidable heartaches.

    Nigerians have come to link writing of Wills to death (my late aunt wont even allow you take her picture, always asking if you want to use it for her obituary); but I don't blame them at all, nobody gets educated in this society. All we know to do is chase money by all means.

    My dad never had a Will but left a handwritten note listing his major stuffs with instructions on handling them, the family attempted to put mouth but we quickly shut them up. It was that easy because of our upbringing.
    I am leaving a Will but most of what I own goes to my children with iron clad instructions. I am not working hard for nothing!
    Not praying to be a beneficiary if/when my wife writes a Will, too traditional for that. I generally detest the idea of inheriting anything from anybody aside my mum and dad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wale you do not sound like you love your wife at all?

      Delete
  8. Lol you were caught in the act boo…
    As for Wills, I also agree with what one of the callers said, better for parents to start putting their kids in charge even from now. To me, that makes sense, my mum’s already doing that, handing assets over to all 4 of us etc. that way, it would be harder for some random family member to come later on to start claiming stuff. Duno if this makes sense. I believe in Wills, they save a whole lotta drama.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Turia Pitt Suffered 65% Burns But Loved Conquered All...

Amazing Story Shared by Dr. Ben Carson on Facebook, i thought it is inspiring and i decided to share;

The Australian ex-model Turia Pitt suffered burns to 65 per cent of her body, lost her fingers and thumb on her right hand and spent five months in hospital after she was trapped by a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in the Kimberley. Her boyfriend decided to quit his job to care for her recovery. 
Days ago, in an interview for CNN they asked him:
"Did you at any moment think about leaving her and hiring someone to take care of her and moving on with your life?"

His reply touched the world:

"I married her soul, her character, and she's the only woman that will continue to fulfill my dreams."

***
This made me very reflective. I just wonder; if the person you love today encounters an incident or accident that transforms who they are physically, it could be amputation, it could be paralysis, it could be severe burns that scald their flesh beyond recognition, w…

#WriteRight. VIVIAN: MY FIRST SEX EXPERIENCE WITH MY BOYFRIEND

He was my coursemate, crush, then my boyfriend.... he was super
intelligent, smart, tall, dark and handsome. Believe me he got
swag, but he didn't seem to notice me. (I'm a nerd but a sassy one
if I say so myself).  So oneday I decided to take it to another level..
After listening to a song "IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY TELL THEM THAT YOU
LOVE THEM and watching the season film of The Secret Life of
American Teenagers. ..when Amy Jeugerns mum told her "you are only
young once". LOL that part got me.
Hope you know what i mean?

Though I'm okay with chemistry class I approached him to coach me for
the Quiz that was coming up, we found out that we had this
great chemistry between us.. hehehe both the covalent and
electrovalent bonds....

So one thing led to another till one unusual Saturday. I invited
him to my house and he came. The guy got swag, he even came
with a packet of durex condom.
We talked for a while and and and and and and
Kai!
See how you are serious dey read this story....!
My…

...

Good morning people! 
Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
I got into town pretty late and needed to keep an appointment ASAP. I'm heading out right now and it's going to be a long day, but thought I should drop this first. 
Have a splendid day. Im'ma be back soon.

One More Post...

THE ‘NEW’ SIDE CHICK: I WAS HER

A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing. I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to hi…

Shhhhhhh....

I'm in an amebo mood tonight. Don't ask me, I honestly don't know why. Also I'd like to share too but I'd do that anonymously in the comment section. Tonight I want to talk about secrets. It's ok, we can all be anonymous. 
Is it true that EVERYBODY has a secret? 
Is there anyone here who doesn't have a secret? I'd really like to know; You're a completely open book and there's not ONE thing about you that you wouldn't mind other people knowing about? Please raise your hands up. 
And for the rest of us, what's something about you that no one knows, or very few people know? Who's got a dark secret here, or a weird one, or a funny one even? I really don't mean to be invasive but I don't want to be the only one sharing, plus I think hearing other people's secrets is quite fun, don't you think?

Let's Be Random Together! (Open Keypad).

Hey guys, a while back blog reader F said something about creating an Open Keypad post, where you can write whatever you want in the comment section. I thought it was a fun idea!
So who is interested? Comment on anything you feel like, ask me or anyone a question, talk about how your day went, your job, your interests, tell us something about you that we don't know, share a testimony with us, rant about anything you feel like, talk about your crush/boo/spouse/relationship/marriage, challenges you're facing, ANYTHING AT ALL! 
I'll only make one request; that we stay civil. 

(F it was you who made this suggestion, right? I'm not too sure and I can't even remember the post the comment was made on). 
BTW please Ejoeccome out come out, wherever you are!

Question of The Day.

TTB readers doesn't this tweet below remind you of something?
That mail that someone sent me a few weeks back. 
But why on earth should a man sleep with his son's fiancé? But what am I saying, some men even sleep with their daughters...

Oh well, I'm throwing the question to you. What has happened in your life that you never saw coming, you never hesperred it, you never imagined could happen, you never imagined could happen to you? 
It could be good, it could be bad, it could be ugly. Do tell!
And it can be more than one. Let me tell you a few. 
-owning a blog -week long dry fast at Prayer City (I never hesperred it).  -staying in an (emotionally) abusive relationship.
The others require anonymity. LOL. Now over to you.

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 


Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.


Uyi & Tiwa