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Thelma Asks






Hey guys, I hope your weekend has been swell. I've asked this question to several people and the responses I get vary in ways that have rather surprised me. So I thought, why not throw it open and hear your thoughts, and the reason behind them. 


And... I wish you a beautiful night ahead and a restful Sunday. Be blessed.


Comments

  1. Pls the husband should be understanding enough to resign. Sentiments aside.

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  2. Wife.

    Kids are naturally more endeared to their mothers. The gesture will be reciprocated when they become adults.

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    Replies
    1. Memphis, not all woman are the mothering type. Some men do better in that department than their wives.
      Based on the family survival, abeg, the man should resign and brush up his entrepreneurial skills. Tee

      Delete
  3. Wife. Like Memphis said. The man would be a mess taking on the role of the woman in the family.

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  4. It depends on who has greater earning power in the future, it depends on the goals of the family, it depends on a whole lot but not just the current situation.
    I pray and hope that the man put ego aside and the wife do away with pride when discussing this. It is their family and their lives, to make or break.

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    Replies
    1. Wale this your answer na *fence* answer o. Lol

      Delete
    2. Some solid fence o because he's not falling on either side. Lol.

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    3. Uhmmnnn... I was going to say... the husband of course! no one should come and yarn that "the woman should be the one to take care of her home and family" kini(crap)! Cuz that's the next thing many people wie say(like boda Memphis and Sele)! *tongue out*

      Buh Wale has answered the question like the agbalagba that he is. Wale, your "ilakaye" wie noh diminish and you wie noh become an "agbaya". :-)

      Delete
  5. Hmmmm. Difficult question thr. Wud av said d man shud resign but he mayn't b able to take care of d kids lyk d wife wud do n besyds pride may set into his wife. He may even loose hs self esteem. D wife shud resign . let dem manage d man's salary

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  6. Ahn ahn y is this difficult? The man should resign and become a house-husband. Thats more than double his salary for crying out loud. House-husbands are pretty common and normal in the UK and they are doing just fine. Just that Nigerian men and their egos....oh boy, even if they were earning 20k a month and the wife was bringing home 2mil a month, they'd still wanna die there in that dead ass job just to prove a point...

    Nigerian men, cant leave em, cant live without em........

    And please its not rocket science, a man can take care of a home just as much as a woman can. Practice makes perfect. Noones asking you to breastfeed and even at that, there's other kinds of milk.....

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  7. Pool resources, set up a business for wifey that will allow her have time for her family when she resigns. Cus if you expect a working woman to resign from her lucrative job and sit at home taking care of the kids...end result is that she might come to resent hubby in future.

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  8. Nice comment ejoc,the woman should resign but before she does,she should set up something that would give her time to take care of the kids, how can u say a man should resign for his wife?even d Bible clearly stated that the man is the head of the home and therefore d woman should be submissive.

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    Replies
    1. Are u guys truly interpreting/misinterpreting the definition of submission?

      Is everyone cut out for running a biz? Do u think she started earning 1m as a graduate trainee? Do u know how many Nig men abroad are househusbands but start forming "African man" when they come back home?

      This post is actually something to discuss during pre-marriage counseling. Dear men,if she can resign and start a biz,u can equally resign and start same biz (eg selling of cars).
      What's the phobia of being a stay-at-home-dad if I might ask??? I don't get...

      Delete
    2. Mabel dearie, thats not the meaning of submission. Honestly Sasha you have said it all.

      Delete
    3. Sasha I agree with u...submission doesn't have anything to do with this situation, for the sake of the children's future the man should resign

      Delete
  9. I knew it would boil down to "the ego of men" and all that, that's why I didn't want to respond at first. But it's surprising that those saying the men should resign are not paying particular attention to the difference in parental bonding from a man and a woman. For those who have been fortunate to have good parents and support the idea that the man should resign, please tell us which of your parents you're more endeared to, and why. And consider also the possibility of you being miserable when your 21 year old daughter openly admits to gaining precious advice from daddy whenever she wants, not that you may not give good advice, but it'll definitely hurt a woman more to know that her kids are closer to her husband than they are to her. Such things don't hurt men as much.

    Don't ever mix finances with family bonds. Family bonds are never reliant on financial status. Stay blessed.

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    Replies
    1. ...and God bless you memphis one trillion times.

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    2. Actually Memphis, this your argument is one kind i wont lie, difference between parental bonding? Huh? Well you have asked a question so let me answer you and i speak for about 3 of my friends also (i dont have many friends so thats a lot)...my mum became a housewife a gazillion years ago (upon my dads request) just so she could stay at home to be closer to and take care of the kids but guess who i developed more of a bond with? Yep my dad. Even from a very young age, he's the one i'd run to when i had issues yet he's the one that was running off to work every morning so please your parental bonding argument isnt 100%.

      Whats wrong in getting advice from Daddy? Whats the big deal? Dont ever mix finances with family bond?? Do you know the number one cause of divorce today? Its not unfaithfulness or abuse or whatever, it is money....finances! Please this is 2014, how dare you tell a woman to leave her 1m job where the man should be the one resigning cuz he gets less than half, maybe when you know families going through deep financial struggles then your opinion would change. This isnt the 80's, its 2014.

      I am going to offend someone here but any husband who advises the woman to quit her 1m job (when its not a matter of whether she hates the job o!) is a very selfish and inconsiderate husband. Again, the number one cause of divorce isnt lack of family bonding, it is finances!

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    3. And may i just add, in the spirit of addressing all your points, who told you such things dont hurt men as much? Let my father just hear that i went to my mum first for something or that i sought her advice first before his, he would be furious and i'm not joking, and the kind of furious i'm talking about is the jealous and hurt kind. Dont be fooled, grown ass men have serious feelings and yes things like that do hurt men.

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    4. FNLP your points drifted your answer from the question being asked. Of course everyone knows this is 2014 and all hands (man and woman) must be on deck to give the family a smooth sailing. Even if it's stated that the woman earns 300k a month you would still say "how dare you tell her to quit?". Just to clear issues too, my mum worked, and so did most blog readers' mums, so I will NEVER be of the opinion that women should be jobless at home in 2014. Why I made such a statement (don't mix finances with bonding) was in respect to the question because I knew the wages mentioned would immediately blind some people of the fact that the kids lack parental care. As for your dad, many kudos to him for a job well done, but the love he has from you cannot be used to generalize what I said. Kids will always love one parent more than the other, and that other parent is usually their mum, simply because she's the one who has got ample time for them more than their dad, nothing more. When they get into trouble, when they fight, when they have emotional issues, when they're hungry, etc, she's there.

      And yes, men have feelings too, but a man who's loved by his kids will hardly ever be jealous if twice that love is shown to his wife.

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    5. I do not agree with u memphis, ur argument has no backbone on why I woman u leave that amount of money and sit at home

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    6. Tolu my answer is based on the question. Men and women MUST work. I am solidly of that opinion.

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    7. "Kids will always love one parent more than the other, and that other parent is usually their mum, simply because she's the one who has got ample time for them more than their dad, nothing more. When they get into trouble, when they fight, when they have emotional issues, when they're hungry, etc, she's there."
      I'm quoting u here because this is a default thinking because it's been a default system. Men are scared of being stay-at-home/single dad's cos they just feel it's a woman's thing.
      I'll be honest,husbands who are into selling of cars/real estate but have no visible office space is a househusband who started a biz cos wifey is out there working.
      As FNLP said,some kids have a better bond w/ their dad irrespective of whom they see around more...

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    8. Let's ask the mothers of these kids how they feel when their husbands get major love from their kids. And how would you feel honestly when your kids confide more in your husband than in you? If you'll be OK with that, I rest my case.

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    9. I dont see anything wrong with that o! Was a daddy's girl till the end n not because my mom was not there; in fact she encouraged it! Bottom line is ur kids r getting support n a listening ear from a parent, whether you or your SO. N my cousin n his wife alternate staying home depending on who's career earns more at each point n so did my godparents for over 30 yrs! Keeping a home together is a joint responsibility n there's no special class women attend that automatically makes it their designated role to stay home biko. N trying to say kids should be closer to their moms n how wld women feel if d kids r closer to their dad is akin to emotional blackmail jare!

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  10. Plz, oga boss RESIGN! Wat is keeping the household to financial struggles!?

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  11. Daddy pls RESIGN and Mummy pls respect daddy for this Bold step he has taken to start this online/yahoo yahoo business just so he can work from home and be close to his children.

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  12. @FLNP and the others, I just laugh when you guys compare Nigeria with America, for heaven sake,most things that work There do not work for us here and u guys have forgotten that a man can never take of the home like a woman,never ever he can't, this mentality has made many women in their 30with good jobs to remain unmarried,(am not insulting or offending anyone) things that worked for A cannot n will never work for B.

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    Replies
    1. Hmm,here we go again. Double standards. I repeat,do u know how many Nig men are stay-at-home-dads cos their wife is a Dr or nurse working her socks off?? (u do also know househelps aren't common abroad?) Do ur research and let's discuss further...
      Being stay-at-home don't mean necessarily mean he's jobless. It just means he's at home more (and shld do the needful)

      Delete
    2. Na lie! It works just as well anywhere! It's all about the couple sitting down n planning as a team biko. My god parents were in 9ja n it worked for them for years! My parents were in 9ja n when it was necessary for that to be the case, albeit temporary it was, my dear dad stepped up while my mom took the career leap she needed. My old bosses before I left had the same dynamic (he has his atelier downstairs, she's out n about globally on various projects). At the end of the day, it boils down to letting go of ego n reaching a compromise that brings the best for the team biko (n dont say its not about ego if not why is d woman always the one expected to compromise when u both r partners in the marriage)

      Delete
  13. Hmmm,so what the man earns in 2.sumtin months,the woman earns in a month? AND the wife should resign abi? Issokai....

    I heard of a couple who this happened to and the husband had tricked the wife to resign,she was almost dropping her letter before her eyes cleared, the funniest part of their story was that she was instrumental in getting same job for her hubby only for Mr MAN to discover just how much his wife was earning and how important she was to the company and it was cries of 'resign,resign'

    I will stick with my opinion,the man should resign,the family should pull resources together and start up a thriving business for him.To answer Wale's question,i like to believe that the wife has either been with the org longer or has better qualifications to earn that much more than her husband or a combo of both.

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  14. Mum is a lecturer, she did her Msc and PhD in ibadan, we live(d) in calabar. Dad (bless his soul #sobs) an architect and business man was in calabar. Private biz, working and taking care of us. Making our food and dropping and picking us from school even when mum returned. He did same for my sister's while they were in uni, and by then mum had returned. Who did we end up bonding with? Mummy!!! Yes, we all bonded with mum and walked on egg shells around dad then. But he was more or less the one we grew up with. So it all depends. You can never say who the kids end up bonding with. Its only wise that the man resigns, and starts up a business after pooling funds from both sides. He is a man, he is the hustler. He can afford to run a business that allows him time for d kids, while the wife has a steady source of income. He may eventually earn more than the wife earns sef. The problem will be with the wife. If she can keep her ego in check, and respect the husband for taking such a bold step. I hope I'm not rambling though. #IMO#

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    Replies
    1. Yay! La Effizy I'm so happy to see your comment.

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    2. Smiles# tanx Tee. Iv been here all along. Just been a silent reader all these days. I still open d blog 10times a day lol.

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    3. Yeah... I can relate to your comment/story La effizy!
      my mom has always been the busy one... and guess who we(the children) are closest to?! Iya kabuoy!

      And I totally agree with you! But boda memphis o sha fe gba! Lol!

      Delete
  15. La Effizy just said it all. Times are changing and as FNLP pointed out finance is the major cause of breakup in families these days. It's not objective that the woman resign with bills and school fees going through the roof these days. They should pull resources and start a business for the husband, that way he has more time but still earns money to take care of his responsibilities and yes the business may end up bringing in more money for the family. I will be satisfied knowing my kids get the best in life even if they end up bonding with their father more. J

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  16. T, I know of a typical case like this o. Both worked at NNPC, with the wife earning much more. After marriage, hubby started preaching resign to her, so that she can better take care of the home. Made her sell off her properties too (all acquired before marriage), and she 'submitted'! Presently, 'Mrs' wife is miserable. She tried to make a deal with her former boss, that would help her become a supplier of kero. 'Head' of d house went all out to cause trouble and accused boss of having an affair with his wife, so that deal crashed.
    Today nko, pay school fees, Mba! Give her allowance, k'ojo! She's now a shadow of her self and all the people that encouraged her to 'submit' in that fashion are going all "eeya, sorry and it is well" on her.
    Before anyone says, one shouldn't generalize based on the above case, I know that already. Though I for one would never resign in this situation o, but if my advice is sought, i'd say "know the kind of man you married and let wisdom guide you".
    As to the bonding issue, my siblings and I grew in a way that we only stayed with Mumsy at most 3 weeks in an entire year. Yet we'v always been close as siblings. A parent-child bond goes beyond staying at home to watch and nurture, i've seen too many cases to know this.

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  17. They could get & pay for as much help as they need jare & no 1 has to resign:-)cos truly I don't see this working in an African setting.either of them is gonna blame the other in the case of unforseen later situations. E.g woman - i make all d money in this house/her pride will def come on the long run & man may feel belittled/ his ego falls
    But in a situation whr all things/emotions are put out,man should resign biko & prob do small biz on d side

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  18. Still, the man should resign please and lets call it a day. @memphis u need to consider the gap, 450k and 1m mba it is wayyy too much. If the man loves his wife, he will let go of the job and work towards building up a biz and be there more for the kids

    . Nothing wrong if kids confide more in their dads @memphis why is that such a bg deal? Didnt this man father them? Arent they his kids? I think you really need to get out of your box and see what goes on in the real world. Lets be practical here, theres going to be a lot of resentment in the future if that man forces his wife to leave her 1m job and eventually, it would lead to divorce. Aint nothing wrong with house husbands unless of course you did not father your kids truly. I know what it did to my family many years ago when my dad made my mum sit down at home with her many degrees and PHD just cuz he wanted her near us, believe me, even 30 years later, the negative effects are still there and she makes it a point of duty to ring it in my sister and i's ears to never ever everr leave our jobs or careers because of a man.

    I rest my case.

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  19. All this essays.. it makes more practical and realistic sense for the man to quit his job when he ends 450,000 and she ends a million. Nothing like maternal care is better story here. if the roles were reversed the woman would quit. its the practical thing to do because the income is needed. this men above speaking grammar because A MAN has to work bla bla bla.. how about single moms ? don't they go to work and come back home and the kids turn out great ?
    1 mill and 450000 is a big difference. whoever has the lower income must quit

    ReplyDelete

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