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Before You Take That Giant Step...





It's hard for me not to scream when I hear certain things about Nigerian marriages. Notice I just referred to them as 'Nigerian Marriages'? That was deliberate. Nigerian marriages are "special", Nigerian husbands are Kings. 

For the purpose of this post I'd like to stay within the constraints of yesternight's show. 
     A very distressed woman called in, she was distraught and in tears. She said she was tired of her marriage, she felt she was living in bondage. She said that when she complains people ask her not to talk, saying that some others are experiencing worse things in her marriage. Apparently she's been married for over ten years and her husband neither wants her to work or have a career. She's not allowed to work, have a career, have friends, visit friends, have friends visit her, attend social functions, friends' weddings and the sort. Two years ago she began to feel like she was hopelessly wasting away and begged her husband repeatedly to allow her get a job. She said that she had dreams and plans, she had things she wanted to achieve, the kids were grown and she was doing nothing with herself, still hubby refused. She got family members involved, his and hers, and elders he respects, all to no avail. She said her husband wants a wife that would wait on him hand and foot, be home when he gets back from work and cater to his every whim, but she was tired. So, she got a job! Now she has a job and about three kids and a husband to care for, her husband has adamantly refused for her to get a maid or assistance of any form. So she's up before 4am to clean, cook, get him and the kids ready for the day, then she tries to get back early enough to make lunch and dinner. Still he will not let her get a maid. 

Now as though this isn't enough, from the minute she decided to get a job, her hubby washed his hands off EVERYTHING in the home, save for the children's school fees. So in over two years he has given her no allowance, no money for her upkeep and that of the children, no money for food, clothes, transportation, fuel, home maintenance, Nothing. He doesn't speak to her either and has been angry for these two years, saying he just wants a wife that will do nothing except wait on him, hand and foot, and be there when he gets home from work. 

In tears she explained that her life is very difficult, her salary is very poor and she doesn't know what to do and how much longer she can cope. Among the things Aunt Landa said (which I find questionable, as that line of thinking will only foster that King mentality, thereby not helping marriages in the long run IMHO) she asked the lady; did the both of you discuss these things before you got married?


This brings me to my topic today. I have a question for you guys, the adults among us. Please what are those things that couples should discuss when considering marriage, before they get married? I really need to know this. I hear things like the number of children, religion/denomination etc... What are those factors that couples should discuss and settle on before proceeding into marriage?

All the knowledgeable peeps in the house, married or single, please share. 




Photo source; www.newsday.com.ng

Comments

  1. Good forbid for this kind of husband. Thelma, number of children, maid or no maid, and working hours should definitely be discussed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello T, sorry this is out of topic but I love the way your blog now looks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay. Thanks Lady Eni. Trying to put in some features that would have clashed with the numerous colours of the other one, that's why I chose to do this. I'm glad you like it.

      Delete
  3. Niceeee. Change is good.

    Please couples should discuss on whether or not family members can live with them and for how long. Unpleasant surprises must be avoided at all cost.

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  4. Thelma this one isn't a marriage na! Haba! That man is a beast. I'm all for the basic things like religion, number of kids, family fortune, kids education, family welfare, interaction/interference from inlaws, and any necessary factor I can't recall. Marriage isn't supposed to be beyond the ability of any human being to handle biko. What nonsense is this? Honestly if not for some reasons best known to me I would suggest any woman going through this nonsense to cease her marital duties to their respective a**h****. If he dares to manhandle you reach for a dagger or your pestle. Enough already! Ah ah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Memphis... easier said than done.

      Kabuoy

      Delete
  5. Just watch the person u want to marry very closely before marrying the person. The sooner Nigerians embrace divorce as an option the better for them, Nigerian men hang unto the belief that u cant walk away and treat you anyhow, if u like discuss and sign agreement with d man, if he changes after marriage, 80% of Nigerian women ll stay with the man, the same Nigerian man ll not try dt sh** abroad cos he knows divorce is an option and he stands to loose a lot so he behaves himself. Its a pity most pple are in bondage and not in marriage, we need to start by teaching our sons to do the right thing to save our daughters from future heart ache.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really Ifunanya?! Embrace divorce?!
      Honestly, I don't think that should be the first thing you preach to people facing marital problems. Divorce is not always the best solution you know. Except you choose to remain single after.

      Kabuoy

      Delete
    2. Not preaching dt to people facing marital problems, jus saying that most men act the way they do because they KNOW divorce is not an option, if at least they ve a little fear that you will leave n they get to pay ur bills and still share thr property with you, maybe they ll treat thr women better

      Delete
    3. Ifunanya, you want the oyinbo solution in Nigeria? First go change the laws recognizing polygamy and strengthen the police/jail systems, for there will be OJ kind of solution beyond what the establishments can handle.
      We should deal with the root causes of these problems rather than focusing on cosmetic approach that wont work here. The men misbehaving were raised by some fathers and mothers!

      Divorce has always been an option for everybody, women often refuse to take the path for reasons such as avoiding tags, inability to fund their lifestyles after divorce, etc. Things are changing and I see many women taking their future in their hands.

      Delete
    4. U always advice people to get a divorce cause ur divorced. That's bad.

      Delete
    5. Anon please am happily married. Thanks

      Delete
  6. Embrace divorce? Hmmm

    ReplyDelete
  7. The only thing I'm considering now is "Signing a Prenup" with DFH.
    God forgive me but I need to for the sake of my kids!
    The way men misbehave & walk out on their marital responsibility ain't funny! Plus some woman can just jazz my hubby ni.

    All the essentials will be Agreed & Signed on. Consequences of Cheating, Physical Abuse, Family interference, Travelling to another country, Divorce, Everything!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #yinmu toh badt! Prenup abi? Lol! Story! Ruthy... Just pray that your marriage would be awesome and things won't go south! Shikenah!

      Kabuoy

      Delete
  8. And then you have Rochas okorocha promoting archaic 'culture' Preservation. Don't get me wrong, there are huge advantages to it but d side effects are a detriment to d nigerian woman. The actions of present day africans are a reflection of the Old...wch doesn't preach revolutionary improvements in our ways of life.
    #SituationReport

    ReplyDelete
  9. I think couples need to discuss everything as much as they can. We women really need to think about as many possible different scenarios as we can and try to work through them before deciding to get married. I think a lot of marriage counseling courses try to explore issues. How many kids, who does housework, how much wives are expected to contribute, how long relatives can come and stay, how money will be divided, what to do with pre existing property/ assets, how to deal with joint projects and all sorts! See how the man acts regarding money! Does this man respect you? How does he treat you during conflict or when you don't give him something he wants?
    Something else we women need to stop is this issue of "eye service". Cooking all the time, treating the man like a king so that he will feel we're wife material and marry us, especially if we don't plan to continue in that vein once married.
    Like Ifunanya says, we also really need to watch the person we're dating. All those behaviors, how they act when angry, how they treat their family and people who work for them, how they treat waiters in restaurants and so on. Very important!
    The thing is, a lot of men also lie when they are dating you. They promise to make all sorts of concessions which now disappear after marriage.
    For the woman in the story, I doubt the man would have told her that all he wanted was for her to wait on him hand and foot, and not have a job or any friends. HOWEVER, he would likely have started exhibiting some controlling behaviors when they were dating that she might have brushed aside as we women tend to do due to pressures to get married.
    Final thing, don't discount the importance of prayer. Also when we ask God for signs, PAY ATTENTION to them!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thumbs up jare. Insightful.
      K.O.H.

      Delete
  10. Most ladies these days are not ready to support their marraiges except tru household chores, they expect everything to come from the husband and still expect pamperings. You just want to eat your cake and have it? Nah! It doesn't work dat way... Lagos girls(for example) are looking for acomplished Men, dat they don't even have struggle with or try to believe in wat they are capable of. They don't care, if u have money, dats all dat matters. You got married to a yahooboy with fastmoney and fastcars and u think dats the end of d world, but when he's cheating on you You start throwing emotional tantrums for pitiable appeal. If you're a lady and you want to marry, don't look to the material things but look through the material things and believe/hope on the best for the family
    #SituationReport

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pls what r u saying? Are all the men who get married every Saturday "accomplished men"?

      The values parents instill in their kids(sons) wld one day reflect in their own marriage.
      It's funny how the same tradition Africa aka Nig tries to uphold is the same tradition biting us in the butt. We truly can't and shldnt expect to eat our cake and still have it...

      Delete
  11. Discuss everything discussable, from money, to job,number of kids,kids education, family welfare,financial contributions, position career wise,religion (choice of place of worship),whether or not to keep joint acct and finally prayer. I keel saying it that God would not push or put u in an uncomfortable place,in a place where he knows u wouldn't be happy, so prayer is also important while considering the above.
    My cousin did not marry who she really wanted to because after discussing all the above,she got to discover that the guy would not allow her work,the guy said he believed in my sis and him paying the kids fees together and many more, my sis fled and she is happily married right now. God help us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice color combo Thelma,I think I prefer this background.

      Delete
  12. Sorry to divert, Please who knows where i can get good and lasting hair from 20 - 30 k. Thank u!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thelma has some...buzz her!

      Delete
  13. Topics to discuss before includes everything, I mean everything!
    *From likes and dislikes,wants,religion,beliefs,family background,number of kids,living arrangement(if families are allowed or not),Finance( who handles what,how much to spend on extended family,vacations,feeding etc),sleeping arrangement(separate rooms or not),Food(I have a friend who doesn't eat the same soup twice,if you like refrigerate am you must cook another),sex(how you want it,things to try)vacations(when to take them) etc

    ReplyDelete
  14. It amazes me how people say talk about everything, talk is cheap and men can promise anything. My friend is catholic. When she met her hubby, he was pentecostal but he agreed to follow her to catholic church, he got baptized in catholic and they even wedded in catholic church, after a while he told her he doesnt like d church anymore n wld not go thr anymore and neither ll any of thr kids be baptized thr or go to that church and that is how they ve bn living since then. Another example is a friend's hubby that his younger sis was posted to Abuja for service, she had to move in with em for the service year n stayed bk afterwards to look for a job, ll she tell her sis inlaw who is a corper to go pay rent in Abuja of all places when her brother lives here. My point is no matter what u talk abt with a man or a woman, it doesnt guarantee anything.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree! People change! Sh!t happens! If you like talk about any and everything. It doesn't stop the guy/girl from turning into a monster after marriage!

      Kabuoy

      Delete
  15. People change but you should still discuss everything. Sometimes it is what the other person says during these discussions that might even help you decide whether to move forward or not.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Two years of irresponsibility and am guessing she still feeds him. Even heaven forbids that! I totally am on Ifunanya's page here. Not advocating divorce or anything even close, but there's more to this life than being 'Mrs Somebody'.
    Every single thing is up for discussion before marriage, and beyond talking is the place for observation as well. If after all these, I find my self with a never do well of a man.... God help us both then is all I can say!. I just can't deal biko!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I agree wit ifunaya..srsly men can change mouth!..my aunt got married to a muslim,b4 d wedin she tld him to convert..wich e did nd dy even got married in d church..10 solid yrs afta d marriage wit 3 kids..he just woke up one morn n said she must convert or move out of d house without her kids!..how cruel..2day she goes arnd wit hijab..nd she very sad..wt can she do, she 0nt leave her kids..d tin is b prayerful..weda u talk or nt..it rili dsnt change anytin..olamide

    ReplyDelete
  18. I believe that you should discuss everything and anything possible, hypothetical sityations sef.
    My ex bf once told me i cannot work in a bank as all bankers are prostitutes and he expects me to retire at 35years if j decide to work. He said when webhave kids as his mom will be old,i and the baby must go to his mothers house and live! Thelma i thought he was jokjng o but thats what he wanted! sonimagine if we didnt discuss and i end ul with him? i will hate myself.
    Am married now to someonelse,and we discussed alot of things from career,how many children, spiritual/religious stand on things,political views, travelling, parents living with us, child upbringing....we discussed alot and questioned alot above all prayed on our questions. so please ask questions,talk,communicate...even in marriage u still have to ask questions and discuss as things change.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Forgot to add my name...lol
    Jackie

    ReplyDelete
  20. Discuss everything discussable, however pay attention to the type of family your man grew up in. How he sees his mother is a good indicator of his mindset on women.

    And heck if its not working out, leave it behind. Life is for the living.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And also how his father treats his mum.

      Delete
  21. I live in united state, Two years ago i married a lady called saline, we had two children together, we were very happy to be husband and wife, so when i travel on business trip to Brazil, i spent 1 years in Brazil due to my kind of business, i and my wife talked on phone all the time, we chat on the Internet, i never knew that my wife had started cheating on me by going out with her old school friend called mark, i never knew something was going wrong till i came back from my trip, then i and My wife started having problems, she goes out and come back late at night, she changed in a strange way that i could not endure, i tried to do everything to please her but it got worst, so one day she left the house and never came back, i tried reaching her but no way i could reach her, i never knew she traveled with her new lover which was mark, i wanted her so much because of the children she left for me and because i loved her so much too, because of the heart break she has put me into, i went into search of a real magic spell caster I was scammed twice by a spell caster, but I never relented in my search because I want a happy life with my wife, so one morning i saw testimony about a spell caster Esango Priest, so i contacted him and to my greatest surprise this esangopriest@gmail.com made life manful for me again, my wife came back to me after 3 days of a love spell from this Esango Priest, i took her back and I am now settled with my wife by the magic power of Esango Priest .

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello to the Entire Public, Hello, my name is Antonia Louis
    from USA .I came to this site to share the good works
    of the Native Doctor (drbrightspellcaster).I never believed in
    love,Money spells or magic until i meant this powerful spell
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    ReplyDelete
  23. Thelma, are you asleep? Please block these spell casters from commenting. We're talking and they're coming to sell market. 419 market for that matter. Go and buy ad space in a newspaper.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I totally agree with Ifuanaya, people change no matter how you plan or whatever you talk about before the marriage but do it either ways n we Nigerian women need to stop having the mentality of do or die affair in marriage, some men are heartless, i know of women that have prayed for their husbands to die cos of what they are going through, marriage is meant to b beautiful with both the man n wife being important not just the husband please

    ReplyDelete

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