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Dear Thelma (My Man Is Planning To Marry Someone Else?)





Please help me solve this puzzle. I was talking to bae of almost two years today and he was gisting me about his village and some of their traditions. He said that his village people don't marry each other bcos most of them are related somehow, that in fact in some parts they are not allowed to sleep with each other even though they're not related by blood, and if they are caught then they will be banished. He said that the girls from his village are very beautiful and that when they go for occasions that his village person is hosting it is very hard not to be tempted to toast the girls. He said some of them even make it hard because they'll say that because they're not related by blood that they can have sex with each other, even if they don't get married. Then Thelma he now said "but there's a part that I can marry from. I can marry from there when am ready to marry". He just continued talking because he does not realize what he said. Now I'm wondering if I am wasting my time, I thot we will get married eventho he hasn't proposed, I'm 30 and he is 34 so I thought we're both ready and naturally we will get married to each other. I don't know how to have "the talk", that where are we going talk or to give him ultimatum, and I cannot ask him what he meant because I don't want to sound desperate. I just don't know what to do. BVs help me please. 

Comments

  1. You don't want to sound desperate and so you don't ask for clarification from him? Please you just have to get it straight, at least that statement should help to make it easy for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You had better seek for clarification.Ask him exactly what he means by 'but there's a part I can marry from,i can marry from there when I am ready to marry'.I have two issues with that comment....what is he doing with you when he has another place he can marry from?secondly,at 34 he isn't yet ready to marry, when then will be ready to get married?

    Babe,you are 30 oh,you seriously don't want to be with a time waster at this time...no time to check time abeg

    Enough said

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would also have you know that men always say what they mean...exactly what they mean....so don't sugarcoat it for him....Just ask him to clarify what he meant.....it doesn't mean you are desperate oh....
    During NYSC I was dating this dude once who told me he could marry anyone,i asked for clarification and he was dead serious...

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  4. He just told you that you are not in his future plan.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Nne that guy is just subtely telling you to jejely break up with him, that he's not marrying you. The hand writing is on the wall, read it biko. He knows exactly what he told you, don't get it twisted

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear poster,

    Bae is not ready for a commitment at least not to you. You're 30, you should have had THE talk last year or the year you guys met.

    I won't claim to be an expert on the thinking/psyche of men but bae doesn't "like" you like "that". So just ask him. There won't be a perfect time or place so just ask him straight up, "Bae, what are we doing in this relationship? " "Are we in it for the long haul or are we just going with the flow?"

    Simple!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sigh! I feel like it's been so long I was taken off the shelf tht I don't even understand the intrigues of 'dating' anymore. Things are really so different they make me feel ancient and am not even 40 yet. On the flip side, I'm too old for the whole game-playing, issue-skirting malarkey. One thing I know is life is short and there really is no point being in a relationship if you guys are both not on the same page. Not every one leads to marriage and it's fine if you guys both know that. But not when one party is deluding themselves about the future and the other is on another wavelength. I say have the talk. What do you have to lose anyway?

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  8. You need to have the talk just to know where you stand, the earlier the better

    ReplyDelete
  9. Have the talk to know where you stand,the earlier the better to avoid stories that touch later

    ReplyDelete
  10. You people just say just have the talk, as if it's that easy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tire o. Which talk are u having with someone who has spelt out what he intends to do when he's ready for marriage? I bet u, his response to ur talk will be a repetition of what he told u when he was talking about the damsels in his village.

      Delete
    2. Dear Anon,

      It isn't easy but wouldn't you rather take the bull by the horn now than find out at age 33 or 34 that "Bae" is getting married to one chick who might not even be from his village?

      If you have the talk now and it doesn't go your way, you would have wasted 2 years, but you'll also walk away with some dignity and your head held high. But if you wait for the scenario above, the shame, stigma and pain is a lot more.

      We're not saying u should break up with him, we're saying "Define that relationship! ", Love yourself first!

      Delete
  11. Haba guys, maybe y'all taking this a little too much, you know, making a molehill out of a teacup (is that how they say it). The dude was telling her where and where he can't marry from, then to tell her where he can marry from, he said "I can marry from..." it really isn't as deep as you guys are taking it. The guy was just talking...probably didn't listen to himself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmaooo! "make a mountain out of a molehill" or "a storm in a teacup"
      You sha joined everything together! Lol!

      Punintended toh ki! Lmao!

      Delete
  12. Have the talk. It is easy, just words but words that'd determine how you'd plan your future. Don't make it so much of a big deal and associate so many fears and stuff with it. Time waits for no man or woman in this case.

    P.S. With reverse psychology, I can dare say that you guys aren't in any relationship at least on the guys side. Having the talk just gets his own perspective on things

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't see why having the talk should be such a big deal. Or maybe us ladies make it a big deal by labelling it 'the talk'. I don't think its not easy because you are afraid of the person you are in the relationship with. I think its more that we are afraid of the answer we might get. And if you are afraid, then I guess deep down in you you already know the answer then. Its not too much to ask to just make sure you guys are on the same wavelength. Instead of overthinking, the only way you can find out is to ask.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree with this,the talk as we label it is actually normal boyfriend girlfriend talk,that's d easiet thing for me to talk about becos I like things clear it better to ask n know where you stand than assume n b hurt at last

      Delete
  14. Your first mistake was not asking him what he meant immediately he uttered those damning words (I would have asked him), at least that would have helped you start "the almighty talk". But being what it is now, I suggest you have the talk and if you're looking for how to start the conversation, refer him to his statement and take it down from there. Better to know your stand now than wake up to his wedding invitation card. Goodluck.

    ReplyDelete

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