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Dear Thelma... (SOS)







My elder sister is getting married in 2 weeks, but I'm not excited though I'm the planner!
My sister and her fiance have had an on and off relationship for the past 10 years! During which the guy lied about who he is. We heard rumors he has kids in his hometown but he denied and then he said he has but it's one and not 4 as we were told. But my sister was constantly told about 4 or 5 children which he kept denying until about 2 years ago when he finally agreed to having 4 children with the same woman but they have never been married and have gone their separate ways. 
Now, they have been planning to marry since a year ago when my sister got pregnant but she later lost the pregnancy. My sister is 26 and I think the guy is about 40 but looks younger. She is not under any pressure to get married. And this is their second attempt to get married since last year's was strongly opposed by my family especially our elder sister who is married with kids. They opposed because of the children involved even though they were told he has 2 children only. I told our family the truth about the number of children he has and my sister considered me and the rest of the family as enemies.
After a while the heat died down and they are planning their wedding again and no one wants to oppose again. I had decided to give them my support time when my sister told me she is pregnant again and that they have completed a 6 months counseling in church. But just last week they attended a wedding together where they met their counselor who confronted my sister's fiance over the number of children he has because according to my sister, she was having doubts about the marriage thingy, he fiance got angry at her for telling their counselor who doubles as my sister's pastor. He said things like if it wasn't for the pregnancy he would call the wedding off. And also asked my sister what his financial contributions towards the wedding is when he knows that my sister has a bad job hence her financial situation is bad.
I'm worried for my sister's future
For my unborn nieces and nephews future
Her fiance lives in a bedroom and hall set contain and wants to travel for greener pastures though he intends investing in a fishing boat.
How do I stop the wedding? Knowing my sister, she is not proactive. She will stay and not inform anyone should life become very though. Our mother is late and our dad is old and quite weak but lives with our stepmother who he married after our mom passed and they have no children together. My sister lives decently in our father's compound. 

Comments

  1. Hmmmn, trust is something which is really really important in a marriage that wants to be successful and not rock the boat after a while, this your sisters relationship first of all is based or built on lies, he lied that he had no kid, later confessed just one and now 4!.
    I really fear for your sister though, as for you stopping the wedding, I don't know if that can still happen, because she remained adamant despite finding out the lies he told to her. People should open their eyes when in love oo.

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  2. Hmm,have a family meeting with her present and if she still decides to go ahead with the marriage,then u guys have no choice but to be there for her,even after the wedding...

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  3. Hmmmm..... Nawa o. D relationship is built on lies and deceit. Dunno y ur sis cnt read d handwriting on d wall. Inform sum elders in ur family. Let dem talk sum sense into her

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  4. Hian. This shouldn't have happened in the first place. Please, pull out of everything that relationship has to offer. Don't plan with her again. She has read the handwriting on the wall and she has decided to string along. Let her be. There's nothing you can do to stop the wedding. Remember what you said happened the last time you tried to.
    I just vex as I read this story. How now?

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  5. My major concern is why your sister is choosing to go ahead, amidst all these signs. Is she desperate to be with someone? Does she just love the guy so much that she is blind to the significance of these issues? You know they say love is blind, but marriage will open your eyes.
    I'm really concerned because as Nana Ama said, Trust is the number one factor required in a marriage.
    But then again, she is seeing all these issues and still wants to marry the guy, so I guess she is prepared to handle him. I wish her the best

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  6. If there's anyone she listens to & respect, Maybe the Pastor or Older siblings or even your Dad. Have a meeting with just ur Sister & the person.
    Explain all ur fears with her. At 26 she should be making better decisions.

    Kindly do pray about it Dear. But take that step. A child on the way is NOT a good reason to marry & from what U have explained, that marriage is bound to collapse & Ur Sister will bear the brunt.
    She should Leave now!!!

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    Replies
    1. I have prayed, I'm angry, I'm sad, my sister can't see and read between the lines!

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  7. Dear poster, as much as I don't hv a problem with marrying a divocee dt ticks most of ur boxes (and u R ready 2 live with all d baggages they come with), this is d kinda divocee dt I'd tell my sisters 2 pick race whn they see him. Sweetie, ur sis is jes 26 and has lotta time ahead of her instead of settling 4 dz. I'm sorry 2 say, but ur sis sounds like a desperado and men can smell an insecure woman miles away hence the reason he could look her in d eyes and tell her the if he hadn't paid her brideprice BS (meaning he has lost all respect 4 her). What responsible man says that 2 his fiancee? At the time he is surppose 2 be worshipping d ground dt she walks on and doing all he can 2 make her say I do?
    Judging by what u wrote, it appears her man is a liar, a prospective cheat, has a questionable character, reeks of inconsistencies and contradictions, has gross irresponsibility towards his kids (reason Y he cant even tell her d nos of his kids) and she is better off without him IMO. Why were they on again and off again for 10 YEARS? Clearly, the relationship has issues.

    Sad that she is preggy but a broken relationship is always better than a broken marriage. Sweetie I really dey fear 4 ur sister pass u sef if she goes on with dt marriage.

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  8. Initially, I thought I would be okay with her decision but as the day draws closer, I'm getting worried!

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  9. She doesn't want the ten years to go down the drain, I guess, hence her adamant behaviour, coupled with the pregnancy. I know pray that she doesn't regret this step.

    Like Ruthie said, get someone she respects to talk to her. Explain your fears to yet too in the presence of that person. Pray for her consistently. May God help you both.

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  10. poster, all you can do right now is pray for her! **shikenah**

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  11. 10years? Means she was 16 when they started dating. Find out if they took any oath she may have been naive and done that,sit her down in a non judgmental Way and talk with her not to but with her try to find out y she chooses to be with the man

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  12. Honestly, please leave ur sis alone. She's made her choice, not yours. And I'm sure she's ready to take responsibility for her actions. If your advice isn't swaying her, Let it go.
    Btw, what would a 30yrs old man be doing with a 16yrs teenager? Dats weird. Where were ur parents wen a 16yrs old was Dating a 30yrs Man? Now He's looking like the Bad Guy alone yeah?

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    Replies
    1. I'm the only one who knew about them. Our family knew about him only last year

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  13. I feel really sorry this is even happening, as in, I can feel how worried you are for your sister and quite rightly so.
    I'm truly surprised that she doesn't see that all these lies irrefutably prove that the man in question has a most questionable character and is innately dishonest.
    You did absolutely right by telling your family the true number of kids he had, your sister is obviously being blinded to a lot of things but she will look back at all this and be glad her family (and even spiritual leader/pastor) had some knowledge of what she was getting herself into.
    I mean, why does he see the need to hide the truth of how many children he has sired from the pastor?
    He knows he is a sham but also knows that your sister, at the moment, only sees what he manipulates her to see.
    As most BVs have said, let a person she truly respects and who is an elder sit her down and talk to her.
    What an adult can see sitting down, a child cannot see jumping up.
    Also, you need to have a heart to heart with her- cry, if you need to.
    In the end, the ball lies in her court.
    If she decides to go ahead, so be it; let her.
    She may get burned or she may adjust herself to her situation.
    Whatever happens, just be there as a voice of reason for her but, she is an adult and will need to face the consequences of her choice.
    Besides, if worse comes to worse and she cannot go on, she can jejely divorce him and move on.
    Just play your part now and leave the rest.
    Focus on your own life- every one will eventually need to lie on their bed the way they've laid it- just always be there to listen to her but don't see the need to cry more than the bereaved who seems unaware that they are infact bereaved.

    May God give her the wisdom she needs to deal with the man.

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  14. Thank you all so much!

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  15. U should encourage her to go talk to someone she listens to so that the person will help talk sense into her... Again, always. Ring it as a bell to her ears that she is nt old for marriage yet atleast she is still 26.

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  16. I would say 'let her leave the guy'...truth is so many things are not right ij the relationship and 'managing' it for 10 years sef she try! the guy will certainly not treat her right and cheating will not be an exception...pray my sister..pray...it works! even if she does not listen.....pray...She should hav left him a looooong time ago....the guy has taken a lot from her youth she should not give him any more abeg...by 10 years it means she was 16 when she started dating him! Abeg e don do there are good responsible men out there...let her leave.........#JoyDaNuGirl

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