I remember some days ago when I said something about 'him' and one of you commented saying you're happy I've found love, or something similar, I replied saying "Amen to finding love". My response was very heavy in my mind, if I'd had a one on one with the blog reader I would have told him/her that having a 'him' in my life doesn't necessarily mean I have love or I've found love, I would have told him/her that it's still early days yet and still too soon to know if it's love, or if there's a possibility that there would be love or if we really have a shot at this.
In truth, the reason I agreed to make this trip at this busy time of the year was so that I could get answers to all these questions. Yes, it felt like we could have a shot something good between us, like we could have a future and we could find love with each other, which is why we chose to give us a shot, right? But somewhere within me I felt like I needed to know for certain, he doesn't stay in my city, came to visit me once for a couple of days and the rest is done over the phone... Over the phone; everything seemed real, fun, beautiful, exciting, promising... But I needed to know how real it all is, so I came.
Yesterday I kind of felt within me that things might not go as I'd hoped and I mentioned it to two friends who called. They both wanted me to really work at it; 'we must get married in 2015!', they emphasized. One very disappointed friend said to me that she had thought this would be my final bus stop, she kind of saw us together; man and wife and all. She didn't want me to throw it all away but to try my best to make it work.
A few minutes after she hung up Nnenne called and asked about him, I told her I didn't know 'jare', my friend then became very serious and began to talk. She asked if he loves me, if he really likes me, if there are good qualities he possesses and if the good is more than the bad. She said if the answers are all Yes, then I shouldn't throw it away. She added that most girls these days don't necessarily love who they marry, it's not about love but about finding someone you know you can build a home and have a future with... "Babe seriously, I need you to settle down in 2015."
I heard all they said and my determination to make it work was renewed. However, I really don't think I want it to.
It's been a long night and I've given this so much thought, he's sitting across from me, eating the breakfast I made him and he has no idea that at this moment I'm basically typing my breakup note. I'll leave and I don't see me coming back.
He's actually ok, and we're in the middle of a lively conversation so no, we're not quarreling, we had no quarel, he did nothing wrong and he's an Ok guy. BUT I'm just not feeling this...
If I'm to be entirely honest I decided to give this a shot in the first place not because I want him but because I want a husband. As it turns out, I just don't think he's going to be that husband. And because I know my friends are going to be thinking "here we go again... Nobody is perfect... Nwando is waiting for Jesus... All men are the same, just pick one and marry..." I want to explain that it's not him, it's me. And I never thought I'd ever use this cliché. It's me, I don't feel any joy being around him, I can't seem to be myself, be at ease, talk, be at ease in my spirit, the thought of spending time with him doesn't give me any joy, the thought of being away from him doesn't cause me pain, the thought of living with him leaves me feeling skeptical, the thought of living without him fills me with indifference... And so I just don't feel I should continue with this, just because I want a husband.
My friends, both young and old have told me that these things do not matter, that even if I have all these feelings now, after we get married they'll disappear and we'll become mere flatmates just like most other married couples, so there's no point. I've heard them out and I've listened to them, but I just can't bring myself to stay.
Just in case you're wondering how he'll feel when he reads this, guess what, HE WON'T. Because, he doesn't even know about my blog.
And that's part of the problem, we're not friends. I tried to tell him about the blog some weeks ago but his eyes immediately glazed over and he started talking about something else, something very random. We're not friends and the feelings I have towards him are those reserved for the rest of mankind; goodwill. Just goodwill, no particular affection, love, tenderness... None.
But I'll be honest I'm attracted to him, it's almost hard not to be sha, he's a stud! Hehe.
So there you have it, once again just as I said to the blog reader; Amen to finding love. I still believe I'll find love, maybe just not today or with him...
I'll tell you something though; it felt good being part of a couple, being able to use the word "bae" for the first time without using it sarcastically or ironically, being able to call him "babe" for the first time since calling a man "babe" became trendy and acceptable, having someone to call and say "I just called to check up on you, I'm missing you". Yeah, but that second part wasn't always true, I wasn't always missing him when I said I was.
So going forward; I don't intend to talk about it, there's nothing to talk about. I'll go on home and go back to life as usual.
UNLESS he is God's will for me, because I told God that if this is His will then nothing, NOTHING should stand in it's way, not even me.
Good morning TTB readers, I wish y'all a fantastic week ahead, and a very merry, cherry Christmas.