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On Finding Love, And Then Losing It.





I remember some days ago when I said something about 'him' and one of you commented saying you're happy I've found love, or something similar, I replied saying "Amen to finding love". My response was very heavy in my mind, if I'd had a one on one with the blog reader I would have told him/her that having a 'him' in my life doesn't necessarily mean I have love or I've found love, I would have told him/her that it's still early days yet and still too soon to know if it's love, or if there's a possibility that there would be love or if we really have a shot at this. 

In truth, the reason I agreed to make this trip at this busy time of the year was so that I could get answers to all these questions. Yes, it felt like we could have a shot something good between us, like we could have a future and we could find love with each other, which is why we chose to give us a shot, right? But somewhere within me I felt like I needed to know for certain, he doesn't stay in my city, came to visit me once for a couple of days and the rest is done over the phone... Over the phone; everything seemed real, fun, beautiful, exciting, promising... But I needed to know how real it all is, so I came. 

Yesterday I kind of felt within me that things might not go as I'd hoped and I mentioned it to two friends who called. They both wanted me to really work at it; 'we must get married in 2015!', they emphasized. One very disappointed friend said to me that she had thought this would be my final bus stop, she kind of saw us together; man and wife and all. She didn't want me to throw it all away but to try my best to make it work. 

A few minutes after she hung up Nnenne called and asked about him, I told her I didn't know 'jare', my friend then became very serious and began to talk. She asked if he loves me, if he really likes me, if there are good qualities he possesses and if the good is more than the bad. She said if the answers are all Yes, then I shouldn't throw it away. She added that most girls these days don't necessarily love who they marry, it's not about love but about finding someone you know you can build a home and have a future with... "Babe seriously, I need you to settle down in 2015."

I heard all they said and my determination to make it work was renewed. However, I really don't think I want it to. 

It's been a long night and I've given this so much thought, he's sitting across from me, eating the breakfast I made him and he has no idea that at this moment I'm basically typing my breakup note. I'll leave and I don't see me coming back. 

He's actually ok, and we're in the middle of a lively conversation so no, we're not quarreling, we had no quarel, he did nothing wrong and he's an Ok guy. BUT I'm just not feeling this...

If I'm to be entirely honest I decided to give this a shot in the first place not because I want him but because I want a husband. As it turns out, I just don't think he's going to be that husband. And because I know my friends are going to be thinking "here we go again... Nobody is perfect... Nwando is waiting for Jesus... All men are the same, just pick one and marry..." I want to explain that it's not him, it's me. And I never thought I'd ever use this cliché. It's me, I don't feel any joy being around him, I can't seem to be myself, be at ease, talk, be at ease in my spirit, the thought of spending time with him doesn't give me any joy, the thought of being away from him doesn't cause me pain, the thought of living with him leaves me feeling skeptical, the thought of living without him fills me with indifference... And so I just don't feel I should continue with this, just because I want a husband. 

My friends, both young and old have told me that these things do not matter,  that even if I have all these feelings now, after we get married they'll disappear and we'll become mere flatmates just like most other married couples, so there's no point. I've heard them out and I've listened to them, but I just can't bring myself to stay. 

Just in case you're wondering how he'll feel when he reads this, guess what, HE WON'T. Because, he doesn't even know about my blog. 

And that's part of the problem, we're not friends. I tried to tell him about the blog some weeks ago but his eyes immediately glazed over and he started talking about something else, something very random. We're not friends and the feelings I have towards him are those reserved for the rest of mankind; goodwill. Just goodwill, no particular affection, love, tenderness... None. 

But I'll be honest I'm attracted to him, it's almost hard not to be sha, he's a stud! Hehe. 

So there you have it, once again just as I said to the blog reader; Amen to finding love. I still believe I'll find love, maybe just not today or with him... 

I'll tell you something though; it felt good being part of a couple, being able to use the word "bae" for the first time without using it sarcastically or ironically, being able to call him "babe" for the first time since calling a man "babe" became trendy and acceptable, having someone to call and say "I just called to check up on you, I'm missing you". Yeah, but that second part wasn't always true, I wasn't always missing him when I said I was. 

So going forward; I don't intend to talk about it, there's nothing to talk about. I'll go on home and go back to life as usual. 

UNLESS he is God's will for me, because I told God that if this is His will then nothing, NOTHING should stand in it's way, not even me. 


Good morning TTB readers, I wish y'all a fantastic week ahead, and a very merry, cherry Christmas. 



Comments

  1. Everyone deserves love like real love,pls dnt just settle becos pple want you 2,there's nothing worng in wanting the best things in life n if you cant talk to him n b friends it will b hard to b wife n man ..you will definitely find love sometimes it happens when u r not even searching for it

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmm! If this is God's will u won't stand on the way yeah? So wat if he proposes to you today, would you stand on the way and say No?
    Plz Answer dearest T.

    I know you want that 'Connection'. Like with the Movie Avatar wen they merge their long hairs together.
    Wait... Is dat just a 'fairy tale'? You tell me Dearest T.
    Plz answer.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If your heart isn't in it, don't do it. You will end up miserable and start telling stories that touch. While the saying do not marry for love has some truth to it, it should be "do not marry for love alone". I have been married for 6 months and, as fleeting as some of my ideas and thoughts are, my husband listens. It also takes love to understand when he makes some decisions without consulting me that he has the best of intentions. Being stuck in an enclosed space with someone you don't love can only amplify those feelings, because everything they do will irritate you. Your desire to look out for that person will also be minimal.

    Yes love isnt everything, but it sure as hell is a part of the equation you need for a happy home. While love fades in the way we know it, it is the building block for patience, tolerance and friendship which will help sustain the marriage. So my dear please do not let anyone convince you about managing a spouse, the rest of your life is a long time.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. no one is allowed to pressurize or talk yhu into getting married . Ya marriage is a good thing bt it just has to be with the right person otherwise, it would be Regrets afterwards. Divorce toll is increasing daily and most times its cos of the way marriage is being rushed into. Pls take all the time Tee. #praying '2015' for u finally

    ReplyDelete
  5. no one is allowed to pressurize or talk yhu into getting married . Ya marriage is a good thing bt it just has to be with the right person otherwise, it would be Regrets afterwards. Divorce toll is increasing daily and most times its cos of the way marriage is being rushed into. Pls take all the time Tee. #praying '2015' for u finally

    ReplyDelete
  6. Why is love over the phone always so wonderful? But on actually meeting each other it doesn't feel the same. Have always asked what changed? Have been in same situation where it was wonderful while we were still talking over the phone,the sms,the chats etc. But immediately we met, it all came off. So Tee if you cant feel it,there is nothing you can do. But like I will always say never say never cos you never can tell.

    ReplyDelete
  7. We're not friends and the feelings I have towards him are those reserved for the rest of mankind; goodwill.
    Lol. I just love the way you write, very easy to read and relate to. I'm sorry things didn't work out but I respect you for not settling all because of marriage. If more people can be like this there will be much fewer divorces.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I no dey since.... I go leave nobody say 'where Joy'...I dey para seriosly!...hope d party neva pass sha cos dat would be terrible para o...how are we all doing and thanks for not saying how I dey or where I dey!...#feelingupset.....#JoyDaNuGirl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ehen, I was wondering.... Welcome back! No vex on behalf of all BVs TTBs n Thelma herself

      Delete
  9. I think u deserve to feel butterflies in your tummy when you're with "bae"*winks*. Not having that feeling means something is missing and I wont advice you to go on with it just because you want a husband. Good luck in your search for love.... :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dearest do not settle for less, say NO to MARITAL PRESSURE.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I just feel the need to tell u not to rush ur decision. Take a few weeks to think and pray and fast about it. And let the peace of God guide u xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is exactly how I feel too. Pls don't rush your decision please. I wish you all the best.

      Delete
  12. aww!I feel u T,pls dnt settle 4less becuz pipo want u to.cuz wen u start gettn irritated nd unhappy lata dey wud stl turn around nd tel u anoda story.do wt u want cuz u want it,dat alone wud nt make u regret much cuz u can easily look 4 d reason u did it in ur heart nd work wt dat.dnt know if am making sense cuz am speakn directly 4rm d heart,almost in d same situation .nt d same tho

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't know why my opinion is different but I feel real love grows it doesn't just happen like that. Its not even up to a month so I don't see why you think you can't develop feelings for him, well its your decision. I wish you just stayed for a little while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm with Anon here! Take ur time a lil to grow it. If it doesn't grow, Move.

      Delete
    2. I think love grows. Y not give it tym

      Delete
  14. Now you want a husband? what changed? some weeks ago you said it wasn't your priority and that you had other things to sort out I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  15. :( well it is what it is

    ReplyDelete
  16. Marriage comes with extras and i know personally that friendship is a criteria before taking that step. The best lovers are friends. If it ain't working then let go but please pray. If there's no woozy feeling now and it's the early days then it's not IT. 2015 is still your year and it doesn't necessarily have to be with this guy. Well I wish you well dear and know that it'd come sooner than you expect. Don't get pressured cos you'll be the one in it and not your friends

    ReplyDelete
  17. Replies
    1. Ahn ahn boda wale! "Hmmmm" doesn't cut it o! Come and tell us what you think!


      Kabuoy

      Delete
    2. Kabuoy, OJ already did and I saw you acknowledged it.

      Merry Christmas to you, Sunshine, mama and papa Kabouy and the rest of the "gang".

      Delete
    3. Oga Wale, e ku agba. I'm flattered that you think the same as I do on this issue. OJ

      Delete
    4. Lol @ the "gang"

      Merry Christmas to you too sir.

      Delete
    5. Lmaoo! This approval kini is no longer funny o! I didn't see boda wale's comment on time! Thelma! We wie carry placards o! Ehen! Lol

      Boda Wale... "won ma gbo" lol! merry Christmas to you and your family! God bless you!

      Lmao! @ the gang. The rest of the gang is just one kenkele gal! Lol!


      Kabuoy

      Delete
  18. When I met my husband 16years ago, I was on the rebound from a relationship where I had been hurt badly so understandably I didnt want anything to do with any member of the male species, so didn't give him time of day. He persisted, sending me emails and calling me on the phone as he was often out of town by virtue of the nature of his job. It took a while, several months, but I began to enjoy talking to him, writing him. Suffice it to say we became friends first, before anything else developed. Friendship is veeeeery important as friendship is what will cary you through on days when that butterfly feeling isn't there, when there are troubles and trials, when he has to stand up for you in the presence of his family. Perhaps what helped me is the fact that I wasn't under pressure from anyone or anything. The love just evolved. It grew on us and that makes it stronger. I know the subtle and not so subtle pressure you are receiving makes it harder, but I say don't give it up yet. Trying so hard to label it a 'relationship' doesn't help too. It is important that he listens to you though and is at least interested in your interests, but never say never. But if you find you can't be friends, then its a no from me as well. In all things, give it time. I'm one of those who believe love is a decision and not a feeling, but perhaps I am old school.. The same way God loves us not because we deserve it. My mum tells us she picked my dad out of 3 or 4 suitors she had then as he was the lesser of all the evils. Her education was cut short and out of all her suitors, my dad was the only one struggling to put himself through uni, so she knew her kids at least would get the education she couldn't. It was purely a decision from her head, not her heart, but I tell you by the time my dad died 6years ago after 35years together, the love they shared was so palpable he couldn't do anything unless she was there!! That woozy feeling is very important too, but friendship is what will stand the test of time when crow's feet and wrinkles are around the sides of our eyes and the 6 pack abs have become non-existent and the bellies are droopy. Went through a rough unexpected patch this year in my marriage but its our friendship that has served as the building block to get us back where we were. Love grows. Sorry for the epistle.. I just worry that sometimes we focus on the wrong things and let gold pass us by...OJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The epistle is fine OJ! 100 likes.


      Kabuoy



      Delete
    2. Word, OJ! Couldn't have said it any better.

      Delete
  19. I think you should give it more time. Just stay friends and see where it leads. I know there's no time to waste on something that wont last but then again, what if it lasts?

    I read what you wrote and I understand that love is very important so is attraction and chemistry but I think there's still time for all these to grow. Take a little more time, pray about it and see what happens.

    @Uyi, i just read your comment from Friday.
    I had loads of fun. Thank you for asking.

    ReplyDelete

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