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Open Keypad; Crack Ya Ribs episode.




During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly;

"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blind folded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blind fold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blind fold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blind fold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blind fold. To my utmost surprise, twelve dinner guests were seated around the table, with their hands on their nose!


*****
Ok, you've probably read this joke before, I know I have. But every time I read it I still have a very good laugh. . 

Several weeks ago someone suggested that we do an Open Keypad post but this time around everyone's comment is a joke. I didn't do it all this while because I'm not good at telling jokes... But then again that doesn't mean the next person is. 

So this post is for jokes; real, borrowed, original, short, long, whatever... Anyone got jokes? 


Meanwhile can you imagine being a guest at that table, sitting down and politely choking down all those air bombs? ROTFL. 

Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Can't crack jokes so I'll just sit back and **ROTFL**/Boo at all your jokes..

    **Shines teeth**

    ReplyDelete
  3. I won't sit down and choke on that smell when I'm not tied to my seat. I will politely excuse myself and then probably get an air freshener spray on my return.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I would be lauging my head off if i were one of the guests

    ReplyDelete
  5. How the guests were able to sit through it and not make a sound is really a mystery... I know I would have laughed

    ReplyDelete
  6. A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.


    The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.
    He sold the house 2011 for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus five years of FREE LOVE.

    When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.

    She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!

    #copied 


    Source: http://omalichaspeaks.blogspot.nl/2014/12/women.html?m=1

    ReplyDelete
  7. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

    A: 45 lbs.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

    A: 45 minutes.


    copied

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me I don't understand the second question and answer o!



      Kabuoy

      Delete
    2. Memphis U no well.

      Kabuoy, he meant a wife will weigh 45lbs more than a girlfriend (maybe due to child birth).
      While a boyfriend will last 45mins more than a hubby in bed.

      Or Memphis explain biko!

      Delete
    3. Kabuoy, ask Eesah :-)

      Ruthyyy, welcome back!! You've already explained it na. Lol

      Delete
    4. Ahh, Memphis baba, my hand no dey o. But wait o, wht will make a BF last 45 mins longer than hubby in bed.. Thinking out aloud...

      Ruthylicious welcome o, wetin u bring 4 awon boiz? Compliments..

      Delete
  8. Lemme call her Mrs Tina. She is my marrried BBM friend and once told a story on our blog. In her words...


    My most embarrasing moment happened last nite. We thought the entire house had gone to bed so hubby and I were laying on the couch in the living room watching a movie. One thing led to the other and the next thing I was on my knees giving hubby a blow job. Next thing my Deeper Life father in law walks in and turns on the light and sees the whole thing! HMMM The look on his face...I wanted the ground to open. I still haven't left my room since morning. Will be sneaking out of the house to work tomorrow. His son thinks the whole thing is funny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't even finish reading before I started laughing. Oh no! Lol.

      Delete
    2. #coversface for Mrs Tina. Hilarious scene

      Delete
  9. Wen i was younger, a voice told me to choose between a long joystick and better[retentive] memory. I don't remember what i chose...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one sure hurts;
      EKAETTE: I'm tired of Men, they are all Dogs.. AKPOS: Talk true, Which breed is your Father?

      Delete
    2. Questions and Ridiculous Answers;

      JUDGE: Why did you hit your wife with a Chair.. Answer: Because I couldn't lift the Table

      TEACHER: Mention one expensive Drug.. Answer: Samsung galaxy Tablet

      Teacher: Can sumbody give me an example of a business failure due 2 careless management"?.. Akpos: Ashawo wey carry belle

      TEACHER: Why do we have different types of Blood Groups?.. ANSWER: So the Mosquitoes can enjoy different flavors

      TEACHER: Mention 3 Great Kings that brought happiness to the world.. ANSWER: Smo-King, Drin-King & F*c-King

      Delete
  10. A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

    The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMHAO!

      I think the guy really wanted his friend dead or he's just incredibly.... Its jokes day, no insults.

      Lol

      Delete
  11. Eesah.. That your joke/true life story had me laughing out loud at work. Biko don't put me in trouble o.

    @Uyi, do you have a better memory? The answer to this question will tell us which one you chose.. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He cannot remember!!! That's his answer there now lol. J

      Delete
  12. A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."
    The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old". The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?" The little boy said: "No......by minding his own business."

    ReplyDelete
  13. LOL....funny jokes. The Mrs. Tina story tho, cnt stp imagining the look on 'deeper life father inlaw's 'face #hahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  14. As stale as ds gist/joke is(kindly ignore), I still can't fathom y none of dem made a sound. Aw dd dey breath, endure..... D lady was busy having fun at d expense of her guests. #funnythough

    ReplyDelete
  15. A man with a 50-inch penis goes to a witch's house to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. "Witch, my penis is 50 inches and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

    The witch says, "What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log that can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you. Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter."

    The man's face lights up and he dashes off to the forest. He comes upon the pond and sure enough, there sits the frog on a log. He calls out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

    The frog looks at him dejectedly and replies, "No."

    The man looks down, and suddenly, his penis is 10 inches shorter. "Wow," he screams out loud, "This is great!" But it's still too long at 40 inches. "Frog, will you marry me?" he shouts.

    The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, "No!"

    The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it sees it is another 10 inches shorter. The man laughs and says, "This is fantastic."

    He looks down at his penis again, 30 inches, and reflects for a moment. Thirty inches is still huge-just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, "Frog will you marry me?"

    The frog looks back across pond, shaking its head. "NO, NO, and for the last time, NO!!"

    ReplyDelete
  16. A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

    Doctor: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

    Man: Oh, that's terrible! How long have I got?

    Doctor: Ten

    Man: Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!

    Doctor: Nine...

    ReplyDelete
  17. A wife, having had too many marital misunderstanding with her husband, decided to leave the husband's house. The man walked in and saw the woman packing her luggage.

    Man: What do you think you are doing?
    Woman: I'm leaving you for good
    Man: And where do you think you are going?
    Woman: My Mum's place.

    Calmly the man went into his bedroom and started packing his things, the woman who forgot her wristwatch went into the room and met the man parking his luggage.

    Woman: What are you doing?
    Man: I'm leaving as well.
    Woman: To where?!
    Man: My Mum's place.
    Woman: And what will happen to the children?!
    Man: You're going to your mother's place, I'm going to my mother's place, then the children will go to their Mother's place.

    ReplyDelete

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