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Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Hello 2015. Happy New Year Everybody!







HAPPY NEW YEAR to the most amazing, most awesome,most precious, most priceless, most beautiful people God could ever bless li'l ol' me with. 

Guys 2014 may not have been all that we had hoped it would be, but guess what; we made it to 2015 for a reason. So let's rejoice with the knowledge and hope that there's a great purpose and that this purpose would be fulfilled in our lives. 

My prayer for us all is that 2015 brings with it a bounty of blessings, love, career advancement, healing (in our bodies, minds and relationships), promotions, achievements, higher levels and greater dimensions, marriages, babies, peace, good health and all round happiness (regardless of the storms Nigeria may face in the coming months). 

I'm posting this live from HOUSE ON THE ROCK and be rest assured that I lifted you up in prayer as we crossed over... I hope you did the same for me.

Much love people! Catch y'all later. 

Here's a List Of Things That Need To Stay In 2014.





So guys, this is a list of things that I think, pray and hope stay in 2014 and don't make it into 2015. Here goes!


1. Nike brows or every other type of horribly DRAWN brows, especially those ones with concealers six shades lighter that the offender for some reason doesn't even attempt to blend in. Aaaaargh!!! Stay in 2014 please. 



2. Instagram celebs. Instagram celebs, twitter celebs, internet celebs; all these supposed celebrities that have no real relevance in REAL life and are actually very basic, very ordinary people in reality. Please stay in 2014 and allow us to see road in 2015. You know yourselves. 



3. (Nigerian celebrities especially) Taking pictures with someone else's money, cars, clothes, homes... Have some dignity please, work hard and be patient till you make yours. You're not deceiving anyone. 

4. Twerking. Thanks to Miley Cyrus this gave me a huge headache in 2014, and I'm hoping it stays here in 2014. Along with the gross tongue-out trend in pictures. There's nothing as painful to look at like an adult Nigerian man sticking his tongue out till it touches his jaw. Eeeeeww. Just stop, please. 

5. Big Brother. Seriously, can someone tell me the relevance of Big Brother, can we just agree that it has outlived it's usefulness and leave it behind in 2014? Thank you. 

6. The Big Booty obsession. This got to a frightful height this year, thanks to Kim K. 2014 the year of waist trimmers, squats for bigger butts and silicone injections into the arse. Unfortunately I can see you making it into 2015 and 2016. *Sobs* 




7. Dia is God ooooo; seriously guys, let this one go! (Memphis you promised) LOL. 




8. Excessive Contouring of the face till you begin to look like an entirely different specie. Ladies, can we agree to leave this behind... Or learn to get it properly done, please?



9. Doyin Okupe and his internet theatrics and bullying... Especially when you're campaigning for a president that continues to decry the use of the internet for negative and inflammatory purposes. Please sit your behind in 2014, grown man acting like a prepubescent school boy.

10. Ok I'll stop here. What would you like to see left behind in 2014?


Dear TTB Readers which is worse; A Stingy Man OR An Unfaithful Man?





"An unfaithful man is better than a stingy man".

Grocery Shopping- Jay Stan.





Now to my fellow guys wey dey Naija, make I ask una sometin. You remember de last time wey you and ya wife or ya significant oda go market to buy tins. You still remember as she make you carry all de tins wey una buy? You just de follow her for yansh and dey frown ya face like pessin wey lick lime. But you no fit talk anytin because say you no wan hear her mouth.
Hmmmm......, Naija guy go gree follow him woman go market to go hold shopping bag for her? Unto which levels wey dat one go happen? Naija men and dia ego wey big pass dem head, go gree follow dem wife go market or go helep her buy house tins? "A whole Him"!
I remember all dos saturdays wey my mumsi go force my papa to go drop her for market. I remember how ee go take my father like forever to gree to go drop her. And den my popsi go make sure say one of us (de children) go join dem go market. Afta him drop us, him go kuku go sidon for one joint and den wait for us to finish shopping. Den as guy man, him go come bribe us with pepper soup and malt before we go back house.
And den when we come grow to begin drive, my father come take style retire small from de saturday trip to market. To follow my mother go market na serious punishment be dat. She go carry you waka de whole market like two times. Before she go buy anytin, she go price dat tin from like four people before she buy am!
Ee get some saturdays wey everybody go sneak out from house go hide somewhere. Dis na because when she ready to go market, de first person wey she see, na dat person go follow her go market. I come notice say na afta we don eat morning food and come rest small, na dat time she go begin talk about to go market. So my game plan na to rush my food quick quick, den disappear from house before she go begin talk about any market waka, lol.
But here for yankee, ee dey different. For here, men and women dey go shopping. Some women dey even send husband or boyfriend to go market to buy food tins (dem dey call am grocery shopping). No argument, no complain. I don dey supermarket, dey see men dey push shopping basket, as dem madam dey waka for front. Come see as de women dey control de men with dia finger. "Stop here. Turn dis side. Turn around enter here!". Well..., de men go just do as dem madam command dem.
Na some of de tins wey dey make some Naija men for yankee still wan marry Naija woman, lol. Awa sistas, at least most of dem still dey massage dia men ego. Dem still dey go market alone to buy food stuff, come back house and still cook for dem family. Tank God for Naija women. At least pessin like me go still fit......!
No get me wrong oo! Nothing dey wrong for man to follow him woman go market and helep her do her shopping. Ee go make you appreciate ya woman and all de suffer wey she dey go through to manage una house. Times don change well well, and so we men suppose begin change awa mind set too. Stress for here to much, and ee no go dey good for only one pessin dey do all de house work.
My fellow men, you wey dey yankee, make out time go buy food tins sometimes from Walmart or Brookshire's. And if you dey Naija, make you try go dat Mile 1 market sometimes. Dis one no go fall ya hand, infact ee go make ya woman like you well well. And trust me, she go reward you PERSONALLY and PSYCOLOGICALLY!!!

******

Jay Stan is based in Texas USA and is the brains behind the blog http://www.lifeforyankee.blogspot.com/ where he writes about the experiences of Nigerians in the diaspora, most if not all of his writing is done in pidgin English. 



Photo source: www.townnetworks.com

Before We Say Goodbye To 2014...





It's just some hours away from 2015 and I most certainly cannot allow this year to end without asking you; how was your 2014?

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Divorce Is Immature and Selfish. Don't Do It.





Divorce is always on my mind because I got a divorce four years ago. Not that I wanted to. In fact, when I thought we were going to a couples therapist we were actually going to a divorce mediator. And then, when it was clear that we were going to have to get a divorce, and I had all the money to fund it, my lawyer finally said to me, “If you drag your feet any longer, you’re going to have to get a new lawyer because I’m retiring.”

So we got a divorce. I hated it. (And of course, I blogged about it the whole time.) Subsequently I have become a vocal critic of divorce. I think it’s an incredibly lame and selfish route to take. Here are five reasons why:

1. Divorce is a cliche among people in denial. 
I see divorce in every story. For example, as soon as I heard about the school shootings in Chardon, OH, I got stuck on the fact that the kid’s parents had just gotten a divorce and left him with his grandparents. I blame the parents.

Heather Armstrong is a great blogger who I have followed for years. But I’m really stuck on the news that she just announced a separation from her husband.

Armstrong supports her family with her blog, dooce.com, which is about herself, so of course, I watch her really closely. In her post announcing that she had asked her husband to leave, she said the two common, and delusional things we hear from divorced parents all the time:

“I can’t be a good parent if I’m not happy and I’ll never be happy in this marriage.”

and

“The kids are doing so well. Kids are really resilient.”

I’ve heard those things so many times. From parents who are getting a divorce who are full of shit.

The dad who tells everyone he got a divorce because his wife is crazy and then leaves his kids with the mom. Newsflash: if your wife is really crazy, then you are crazy for leaving your kids alone with her. In fact, you are not crazy, you’re willfully negligent. And if your wife is not really crazy then get your butt back to the house and raise your kids like an adult.

The mom who says the kids are fine. What does that mean? Do you know that if you ask kids who are living with a crack addict mom if they are fine, they’ll say yes. They’ll say they want to stay. Because kids are trying to survive.

2. Divorce is nearly always terrible for kids. Your case is not the exception.
Kids do not break down during a divorce because they see their parents breaking down. The kids see that one parent just abandoned them. Of course the kid is not going to have a compete fit and push another parent away in anger. Read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which is Judith Wallerstein’s 25-year study of children of divorce. It’s the only study that covers such a long period of time, and she concludes that divorce is absolutely terrible for kids over the long-term. And a wide range of studies have concurred.

It’s completely obvious how Wallerstein gets to her conclusion. Think of it this way: Two parents decide they don’t like living together and they want to start over. They can’t meet their needs by simply living together and making the best of it. They want a new chance, in a new household.

Where does this leave the kids? They don’t get a new chance until they grow up. So now they have to shuttle back and forth between two homes so that their parents can get another chance. Meanwhile, the kids don’t get a second chance at their childhood. And the most damaging thing about divorce is that the kids don’t have a home; to say a kid has two homes is the same as saying the kid has no home. Because a home is your basecamp. If you have two basecamps you don’t have a home.

And anyway, if having two homes really worked, then the parents who are so upset about living together can each have a different home during the day, while the kids are at school, and then come back to their other home. But no one would do that, right? Because having two homes sucks.

3. Divorce is for dumb people.
In case you are thinking that divorce is normal among smart, educated parents, you would be wrong. The divorce rate is plummeting among educated women. For example, among Asian women with a college degree the divorce rate is one percent. Divorce is for people who can’t think ahead enough to realize that the cost to the kids is so high that it’s not worth the benefits the parents get.

4. Divorce reflects mental illness.
I have been reading tons of books about borderline personality disorder and parenting, and I’m surprised that no one has pointed out that the decision to divorce is similar to the decision making process that you get with borderline personality disorder.

For example, a parent with BPD is often unable to separate their own wellbeing from their child’s. The person with BPD is afraid of not being loved and makes all their decisions based on that fear.

So, the person decides they are not receiving proper love in their marriage and then decides that the children would be better off if the marriage were over. The marriage being over is not good for the children. But that is not the issue.

Why do we treat people with BPD as mentally ill and people getting a divorce as adults making adult decisions?

5. Divorce is often a career issue. I can help with that. 
So many times I have been coaching someone who thought they need a divorce, but really, the marriage has a career issue. So, look, when there are no kids, I don’t think there’s a lot of collateral damage when two people want a divorce. But maybe I can save a few children’s childhoods by telling you some common problems and how to solve them:

The woman is pissed that her husband hasn’t gotten a good paying job in years.
This type of woman feels overly responsible for taking care of the family. And she feels taken advantage of by the guy because she thinks he could get a job if he wanted to. (This is probably where Heather is coming from since her husband, who has been working on her blog for years, announced he is looking for a job.)

The problem, though, is that the woman married a guy who doesn’t want to have a big career. She knew this before they got married, but she chose to ignore it. There was probably something she liked about him, something she needed from him, that he provided. Now she wants something different.

The solution is to stop being angry at the guy for not getting a job. Remember that the kids love him and remind yourself the reasons you loved him when you married him. Those things are still there. If you get a divorce you are not going to be able to miraculously stop working. So bite the bullet and accept where you are and finish raising the kids.

Bonus: If you start loving your husband again you will probably love your job again because you’ll feel good that the job allows you to create a happy family.

The guy who thinks his wife is holding back his career.
Oh, god, I hear this so many times. The guy is not where he wants to be in his career. He has so many ideas, so many dreams, and he is really unhappy where his is.

The answer here is: tough shit. You had kids before you fulfilled all your career dreams. Unless you are independently wealthy, you have to scale back your dreams when you have kids because you can’t take wild financial risks with your family’s wellbeing.

So you have kids and a wife, and you have to get a reality check that you are not going to be Mark Zuckerberg. It’s okay. Just focus on being a good father and a good husband and stay with your wife and kids.

It is incredibly selfish and immature to decide your kids should have to shuttle between two families so you can take another swing at a home run. It’s time for you to be a good dad. That’s your job now. You owe it to your kids.

Bonus: Once you start taking pride in being a good parent and a good husband, you will have better self-esteem and your career will get better as a result of that.

The person who is bored and wants out. 
So many people get divorced because they are bored. This blows my mind. Your kids are not bored with your marriage. Your kids need boring at home in order to have the necessary foundation to fly outside the home. If your kids are focused on creating their own stability bouncing between two parents then the kids can’t focus on figuring out who they are while they grow up. They have to spend their time figuring out who their family is. And that’s not fair to your kids.

A job absolutely 100% cannot make you happy. A happy family can make you happy and it’s possible that nothing else really even comes close to making a person happy.

So instead of messing up your family in order to make yourself happy, keep your family together and use your job to address your boredom problem. A fun job can make your life more interesting. Your spouse is not in your life to make you feel interesting. Your spouse is there to love you and raise your kids with you. Don’t ask for anything else.

If you want to feel more interesting then go do something more interesting. And come home for dinner.

The person who says they are a victim of violence.

Two-thirds of divorces take place in low-conflict homes, and in those cases, the kids are much better off if the parent just stick it out.

So let’s look at high-conflict homes: It takes two people to fight. And there’s great research to show that if you picked an asshole the first time, you’ll pick the same type of asshole the second time. (Which is why divorce rates for second marriages are so much higher than first marriages.) So instead of getting rid of your kids’ parent, figure out why you picked a person like this, and then get good at drawing boundaries.

Really, good boundaries can save even the worse marriages. Taking care of your own contribution to the mess can single-handedly stop the mess.

This is especially true of violence. At this point in the history, where women have so much earning power, women are equally as responsible for men for the violence in a household. In fact, the US Centers for Disease Control reports that most domestic violence today is a 50/50 thing. Both parties are responsible. Which means that even if you have one of the worst marriages, you have the power to fix it.

And if you don’t use that power—if you don’t fundamentally change how you are in the marriage in order to stop the craziness, then you will not only recreate it in your next relationship, but you will continue to model it for your kids.

So look, I don’t see any reason left that makes divorce ok when there are kids. Personal responsibility always trumps running away. And yes, here are the links to my own marital violence and my decison to stay and fix it. I’m practicing what I preach. I’m working really hard at keeping my own marriage together. It’s a cold, lonely place to be in life. But it’s better than the alternative.

Because divorce is the ultimate example of just running away. And, while your kids probably will not pull out a gun in the school cafeteria, long-term sadness and a lingering inability to connect to other people is an irrefutable result of divorce. It’s something that you can prevent.



********
Hello Thelma,.... I'm emailing concerning that post you did about "Staying for the children", I haven't been able to comment cos of that verification stuff. My phone doesn't recognize those characters. The other day I couldn't sleep cos I was unable to post my counter argument when Memphis compared homosexuality with incest..anyway, found this post written in 2012 by one of America's most popular blogger and career coach; Penelope Trunk. I think you'll find interesting if not provoking.


Post source: penelopetrunk.com

Leaving It All Behind.






Weeks ago a 19yr old lady called Aunt Landa and in tears she told her that although she was only 19 she had had eleven abortions. She was broken and that was baggage she wouldn't want to carry along with her into 2015. 

Top 10 Nigerian Artists Who Failed In 2014.




..... and it is time
to look at the report card on who won in the music
year and those who lost out.
Here are the losers of 2014 ! (In no particular order)..

1--- May D : May D seem to be the architect of his
own misfortune. Since releasing his debut album,
the self acclaimed Sure Boy has been a very lazy
artiste, choosing not to put out records every now
and then. When he does, he seem to put out decent
records… If he does this constantly, he would
have released a hit record in the music year but he
was only able to release one single all year,
titled Ibadi. The video for the record came out
only few weeks ago. If the likes of Davido,
Wizkid can be releasing songs almost every
month, May D has no excuse for his laziness.
He had a fantastic 2013 though.


2---- Wande coal
One of the biggest losers this year is
Wande Coal. His work ethic also can be
questioned. He was able to put out smash singles
out in the year with Baby Hello, My Way and Plan
B all dropping in 2014 but somehow, Wande Coal
failed to match his previous height. The 29 year
old still hasn’t released any project since 2009.
That is almost 6 years now.

3-- D'banj,
D’Banj has struggled to achieve musical
success since parting ways with his former
business partner, Don Jazzy. Business wise,
D’Banj did well for himself though, with his
recent deal being the one he signed with Beats by
Dre, however he failed on musical grounds having
released more than 4 singles in 2014, Koko Master
doesn’t headline any show these days

4--- HKN GANG ( b-red, Sina Rambo, deekay, danagog
Davido might have achieved musical
success for himself however his role as a record
label chief has to be questioned. Despite all the
cash he has, connect, fame etc, the 22 year old
music sensation doesn’t look like he will ever sign
a music artiste that can make it in Nigeria’s music
scene. All his 4 artistes have released at least 2
singles each in 2014, with all of them featuring
him on a song aside Deekay. However, none of
the 4 released a radio/club friendly single in
2014… They all released at least 1 video each.
Total failure. 

5--- Modenine 
Popularly crowned as Nigeria’s best
rapper of all time, Modenine failed in 2014. No
show, no endorsement, no hit single, nothing!He
even released an album tagged Above Ground
Level in July featuring artistes like Ice Prince, Don
Jazzy, Reminisce, 9ice… Modenine still didn’t
achieve musical success in the year, no wonder he
was snubbed at the Headies 2014. The rapper
himself admitted music has given him fame and
not money in a recent interview. 

6--- Ruggedman 
According to Ruggedman, he
kickstarted Nigeria’s music revolution, but he has
never been part of the revolution. The rapper also
rolled out singles in 2014 with the most
“successful” featuring another artiste who made
this list Wande Coal (Bad combination)… The
rapper isn’t getting gigs and awards however.
Ruggedybaba is making money from his clothing
line though.

7--- Vector
Vector swore he is going to make a
comeback with his 2014 mixtape, #A7… #A7 was
released in September 1st and till date none of the
records on the tape has gone viral. He recently
released a video for one of the
songs, Shiga. Business wise, Vector did cash out
though, he was able to sign a deal
with Vitafoam according to reports.

8-- Kayswitch 
Kayswitch: Another year another disappointment
from Kayswitch. Widely believed to be more
talented than his brother D’Banj, Kayswitch still
hasn’t made a name for himself in Nigeria’s music
scene since Mo’Hits era.

9-- TONTO DIKEH 
It appears Tonto Dikeh has given up
on her quest to be a music star. The 29 year old
signed into D’Banj’s DB records label in 2014…
She released a single under DB Records imprint
but ever since, her momentum and passion seem to
have vanished. Poko Baby has since returned to
her first love acting.Her label boss D’Banj also
made this list.

10-- Samklef 
Producer Samklef couldn’t get his music
career going in 2014. Despite picking fights with
Wizkid for publicity reasons, the former hitmaker
had a negligible music year. He released an album,
droped 5 singles, 3 music videos… Still his music
year was nothing to write home about.


Source: nairaland.com
****


Meanwhile the pressure just got real oooo! My cab driver in Enugu from my Uni days who I haven't seen in years just called my phone. I thought he was just calling to wish me a happy new year or something. After the pleasantries he got serious and said he actually called to ask me why I'm not married or why I haven't taken in. He said for all these years he's been waiting for me to call him and tell him that I need him to be on stand by because my igba-nkwu is the next weekend and I'll need him to transport my guests from Enugu airport to Anambra state. I tried to dismiss him with "God's time is the best" but he was having none of that. "Nwando everytime I call that's what you will be telling me (he calls me about 2 or 3 times a year to say hello). Please it has to happen now. Why you no even come village for Christmas, people dey find husband during Christmas for village oooo! Nwando you supposed don enter your husband house, pikin supposed don enter your bele" Hia!!! Mr James biko kwa



I Have Everything I Need...




It was one of those portions of the Bible we were forced to memorize, back then I thought it was a pain in my neck, today I'm grateful for it. There's something so reassuring about those words; "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want/I lack nothing/I have everything I need". Very reassuring indeed. 

Good morning TTB readers, I'm thankful for this new day and I'm thankful for you amazing people. I just thought to wish you a beautiful day ahead. 

Meanwhile any size 11 want this pair of shoes below? If you do then leave your email address with your comment, I'll pick randomly but if I choose you then you're going to have to give me proof that your feet are size 11, this is because the last giveaway I did for size 12 shoes, it turned out that the person that wanted them was a size 8 and just wanted to sell them. That's unfair, I could sell them as well and keep the money, I need money too. 


Monday, 29 December 2014

Still On The Matter... (Plus Another Brain Teaser).




OMG I saw on Instagram this evening and I immediately remembered yesterday's post. Uyi I'm taking the piss here, I know. I just couldn't help myself.... especially since you claimed never to have heard any of the Bini stereotypes. 


Meanwhile, let's solve one brain teaser before we call it a day, shall we?




What Do You Bring To The Table?





Some weeks ago I was having drinks with a friend one night when she said to me "I don't know what I have to offer a man besides my living form" this she said with a sweeping gesture across her body. It was the day I did the "you want him to wait, but are you worth it?" post. 

Overtime we here people talking about potential partners and asking what they bring to the table. I remember when I was talking to my friend Matty a few years back and we were discussing this friend of mind who was very hot, very sexy eye candy. All the men wanted her and she had some kind of Kim Kardashian status. I remember Matty asking me about her and her personality and I remember him say "I really don't care how pretty a woman is, what I care about is what she brings to the table. What value does she add to my life? What value does she add to our relationship? I just cannot marry a woman who does nothing for me, and I don't mean financially". I wish I'd asked Matty what exactly he meant but I was too consumed with asking myself and trying to answer the question; what do I bring to the table?

"I've thought about it over and over again and I can't seem of think of anything", my friend continued. "I really don't think I have anything to offer any man besides this my living form... I don't think I do". Oh, the way she kept saying "my living form" and sweeping her hands over her body made LOL. 


It was absurd because this person in question is a fantastic person and I was surprised that she couldn't see it, so I listed to her some great qualities about her that any person would be glad to have; "first off you're a very intelligent person, you're witty, you're a great conversationalist and your brain is constantly at work. I don't think any man would like a boring partner, there'll never be a dull moment when he's with you. You're also a very good person, kind and patient; you'll listen to him when he has problems, because you're patient and intelligent he won't only depend on you for attention, he will also rely on you for ideas and answers. Besides this you're a good Christian; you'll pray for not only yourself but for him as well. You're empathetic so you'll see his problems as yours and treat them with the same urgency, both physically and spiritually. AND you don't mind cooking, I don't know of a Nigerian man who doesn't appreciate good home made meals."

When I was done talking I could see her take a step back and look within herself again. She did have something to offer after all!

This evening I'm asking if you've ever asked yourself that question; what do I bring to the table? It's imperative that you bring something to the table at work and in your circle, but tonight I'm particular about your relationships. 

Have you ever wondered about it? What do you offer or have to offer your partner besides your body (ladies) or your money (gentlemen)? What value do you add? What value do you give? What do you bring to the table?


Please let us know. 

...And because so many people aren't too clear on what the question "what do you bring to the table?" means, and I'm not too sure I've done a great job at explaining it clearly, I'm asking anyone who can to please explain the concept. Thank you. 




*******
Anonymous Rider I'm terribly sorry for your loss. You're in my prayers my darling. May the good Lord heal you completely, make you whole and lay his blessings upon your life. Amen. 

Dear Thelma... (His Mother Is Strongly Against Our Marriage).





Dear Thelma, good day dear I decided to write to you after your post on tribes yesterday. I am currently facing this issue in my relationship. My fiancĂ© is from the east and am edo, this year marks our 3rd year in the relationship and the year he proposed. He has met my family and I met his mum before but everything was normal till he said he wants to marry me. I cant explain how she changed overnight, that her son cannot marry me or someone from edo state, she said she cannot be alive and allow her son to marry me. He is still telling me not to mind her, that she will calm down after the wedding, which she said she will not attend o. He is the only son so that makes my problem even worse. My mind is telling me to walk away because the stories I hear about wicked mother in laws are terrible and I don't have the energy to be at war all the time, sometimes she calls my phone and threaten me. But how can I just throw away 3 yrs of my life at age 31? Besides I love this man and I don't know how I can start another relationship with another man now. I am so confused honestly. Please I need advice. 

Open Keypad; Crack Ya Ribs episode.




During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly;

"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blind folded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blind fold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blind fold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blind fold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blind fold. To my utmost surprise, twelve dinner guests were seated around the table, with their hands on their nose!


*****
Ok, you've probably read this joke before, I know I have. But every time I read it I still have a very good laugh. . 

Several weeks ago someone suggested that we do an Open Keypad post but this time around everyone's comment is a joke. I didn't do it all this while because I'm not good at telling jokes... But then again that doesn't mean the next person is. 

So this post is for jokes; real, borrowed, original, short, long, whatever... Anyone got jokes? 


Meanwhile can you imagine being a guest at that table, sitting down and politely choking down all those air bombs? ROTFL. 

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Must Love Happy People!



“To the individual who scrawled the word ‘faggots” into our door:
We regret to inform you that you completely failed to use glitter paint and/or sequins, your work looked rushed, and your handwriting was positively atrocious. 
It is for these reasons that we had to remove your work from our door with sandpaper.
Fabulously yours,
The Gays in Apt. 611”
********
I honestly don't care if you're gay or straight, I just love happy people, people that can still be lighthearted in the face of hate and condemnation. 
I don't care much about a homosexual debate this morning but I had to share a picture that warmed my heart. 
Good morning world! May your day be filled with joy, laughter and warm hugs from the people you love.

"You're From Benue State, You Must Be Very Promiscuous". Let's TalkAbout Stereotypes.




When I was reading about the title that was just conferred on Genevieve Nnaji, all I was eager to find out was what state she's from. If I had to guess I would have said Anambra or Abia, I learnt that she's not only from IMO state, she's also from Mbaise. 

Mbaise. What???

Admit It. You're Jealous Of Dabota Lawson.




Some days ago during a conversation with someone, we, for reasons beyond my comprehension presently, began to talk about Dabota Lawson and a number of other young women. This isn't particularly the kind of gist that interests me but what I found very interesting was my partner, Sandra's take on things. Among the category of people we talked about Dabota was her subject matter, maybe because her marriage to the said billionaire Sunny Aku, is the most recent. 

Let it be known that neither *Sandra nor I know any of these people personally, Sandra doesn't have any access to any "inner caucus" gist about her life, so when she said "Please I'd rather be dirt poor than live her life. I can swear she's miserable" I was dumbfounded. 

We argued back and forth. Can she really swear that she's happy to be married to a man her father's age? Sex nko? What do they even talk about, they have nothing in common... Life isn't all about money, it's..."

Aha! There you have it. I'm bored shitless with that "money can't buy you happiness" talk. Honestly!

So I asked Sandra; are you telling me poor people are happy? Are you telling me that the amount of wealth someone has is indirectly proportional to their happiness? Are you telling me that marrying a poor man will guarantee your peace of mind? Are you suggesting that women married to poor or average men don't get cheated on, abused or neglected? NO? No, right? So what then are you telling me? Absolutely nothing. Look let me tell you; the rich cry, the poor also cry. I would rather be rich and cry than be poor and cry, lemme know which struggles I'm dealing with biko. 

Ok, I waited for Sandra's comeback. She had none. 

Last night after an ice cream date with one of my girls, I found I couldn't sleep and I began to raid Instagram when I stumbled upon Dabota Lawson's IG page. 















Admit it, you'll love to live a life of luxury, class, opulence, affluence, wealth, comfort, complete access, splendor, designer clothes, refinement, five star hotels, world travel in private jets and first class cabins, ... A life of financial security, free from the worries of the common man, abundance and the capacity/ability to cater for your less privileged loved ones. 


So to (Sandra), I'm not asking you not to work hard and aspire to greatness, I'm not telling you that you cannot be a billionaire or multi-millionaire in your own right, I'm not asking you to go in search of a wealthy older man to cater to your needs... All I'm asking is that you admit you're (just a little weeny teeny bit) jealous of Dabota Lawson and the likes that you spent a great deal of time condemning the other day. 

I know I am...

What Should I Do About This...?






Good afternoon my people. I would like to tell you I went to church this morning but I didn't. Last night was rather exhausting and I got very minimal sleep. 

I have a question for you guys. Having not slept much last night, at about 9 or 10am I decided to take a nap. I closed my eyes and just a few seconds later I began to dream. In the dream I walked into my friend's room and saw her mum sitting by the dresser. Her mum asked me some random question and I responded saying "I'm not like *Amina who likes that kind of thing biko. She has the energy for that kind of 'waka'. Me I don't."  

Amina is someone I know who also happens to be pregnant at the moment, she's well past her first trimester and is showing very visibly. (We're not too close and she doesn't visit the blog which is why I don't mind posting this here). 

In my dream her mum laughed at what I said and then I realized that there was someone on the bed, I thought it was just her mum and I in the room but apparently Amina was there, backing us. I walked to her and nudged her so that she'll roll over and face me. When she did I was shocked to see that her belly was flat, very flat. I was shocked and confused and she noticed, then she said to me "oh, my belly? My belly shrank, there's nothing inside anymore". I suddenly woke up after that. 

I slept off again almost immediately and I woke up a few minutes ago, that dream is heavy on my mind. 


I'll have you know that I'm no Joseph, I'm not one of those who dream about things before they happen. A few times my dreams are revelations but nine out of ten times they're just dreams. So I'm wondering if that was just a dream...

This leads me to my second question. It could have been just a dream, therefore it would be completely unfair and unnecessary to tell Amina about the dream I had and make her panic over nothing. 

Amina and I aren't such close friends, would it be awkward to tell her about this dream?

Could this dream actually have another meaning? Does anyone here understand dreams?

Some people also say that the fact that you see someone's face in a dream doesn't mean it's about that person, like I could have a dream about Beyoncé but it's Rihanna who was actually in the dream...

I could go on and on but... Would you tell this person if you're in my shoes and how would you go about it?


And those (I don't want to name you, you know yourself) who don't believe that dreams mean anything... 
*Explain to me why the first time armed robbers came to our home my mum dreamt about it and warned us to lock up very thoroughly before she left for work because she dreamt that armed robbers came, which they did later that night, but thanks to mother's warning, couldn't gain access into our apartment... 
*Or why she dreamt about something that was going on in my life before even I was yet to find out about it (found out about my condition two weeks after she dreamt about it)... 
*Or why Candy's mum called her a few days before we made that trip and warned her not to join the bus because there'll be a terrible accident and if Candy goes her body wouldn't be found. We ignored this and went anyways and yes, there was a ghastly accident. I still have the cut underneath my eye, an anonymous blog reader still has the scars and stitches on her hand and arms to show for it, and Chocolate still remembers how her waist had problems and pains for several months... And you tell me dreams are just dreams? I see...



PS: I have a number of friends and blog readers whom I'm now friends with that happen to be pregnant at the moment. Rest assured you're not the person I saw. *Amina is completely random which makes it all the more confusing... Like if God actually meant to reveal something, wouldn't He reveal it to someone closer to her?...

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Is "Staying For The Children" Really Worth It?






"I would have just gone and lived the life I wanted, I would have listened to my friends who said 'forget about your husband and go and build a life for yourself', I should have been selfish. If had, I would definitely be living a better life right now, like my mates. But I couldn't leave, I had to stay because of the children."  


The pain in *Mrs M's eyes was louder than her high pitched voice. Looking at her I could see a thousand 'what ifs?', regret, doubt and discontent. Mrs M is a mother figure to me, quite elderly, somewhere between her mid-fifties to mid-sixties. 

What brought on all of this, this uncomfortably honest conversation, you might ask... Well it started with a simple "I went to Oto market because things are a lot cheaper there". Then she went on to recount how she ran into Agnes at the market, an old friend she hadn't seen in years. 

You see, Agnes used to live on the same street as Mrs M many years ago, somewhere in Ejigbo. Agnes was one of Mrs M's numerous neighbour-friends. Then they were young women building their homes and making families. 
     Agnes who moved out of the street in Ejigbo over ten years ago asked Mrs M where she lives now. A bit shamefacedly, Mrs M admitted that she and her hubby still live on that street in Ejigbo

"Whaaaaaaaaaat??? Nne! Tufia!!! Unu ka no na Ejigbo? (You people are still in Ejigbo?) Unu ka no na mainland? Hia! All of us on the street now live in Lekki or Victoria Island, in our own homes, we even thought you and Mr M relocated overseas. Ejigbo kwa? Hia!"

Mrs M told me that it was bad enough that all her peers had moved on and left her behind (which wasn't news to her), but what really stung on that hot afternoon in an overly crowded market filled with Christmas shoppers was the way Agnes screamed this for as many people as possible to hear. 


"....But I couldn't leave, I had to stay because of the children."  Are words that keep resounding in my ears. Mrs M was the breadwinner in her home and catered for five children and one husband who's been down on his luck since the late '80s. 

At some point things got so bad and friends advised her to leave. First of all she ignored them because life throws challenges at people and she could overcome, besides Mr M would 'bounce back' soon.     
      Then she ignored them because although she had begun to resent and therefore disrespect Mr M (I reckon raising 5 children and a husband can do that to a woman, especially when DH isn't making any visible effort to better his situation), she stayed because that's what "good" wives did. 
      And then she ignored them because of the children. 

Now the children are all grown up and have all moved on with their lives, Mr M is still Mr M; unlucky, lazy and indifferent. Mrs M is retired but she still does small businesses here and there to keep head about water. 

I wonder about the children she stayed for. 

I wonder about children of parents in unhappy marriages, would they really have turned out so badly if their parents got divorced? What are the real benefits of growing up in an unbroken home? Does growing up in an unbroken home guarantee that the children would grow to become respectable members of the society? I ask because I've seen people who grew in in proper homes with proper families grow up to become nuisances to society, and I've seen products of broken homes become role models...
    I've often wondered if it's not enough to each care for the children and show them as much love as possible regardless of if the couple is together or apart... 
    Do you have any experience or knowledge about this, is staying for the children and (potentially condemning yourself to endless misery) really worth it?




23 Year Old Prostitute on The Murders In Bed and The Children SheTraded.

When I read stories like this I believe it when people say it's not everyone you see on the road that's a human being. I've said before how I often wonder about the people I see around me, this 23 year old person doesn't have a heart, I wonder if she has a soul. 
23 Year Girl - Dec 2014 - BellaNaija.com 01
Uche Agunta is a 23 year old lady who has been arrested and is being held custody at the Imo State Police Command.
She was arrested for hunting male organs which are used for money rituals.
The secondary school dropout has been long successful in carrying out the task by luring men with sex and at the height of ecstasy, using a razor blade to cut off their private organs.
Sun Newspaper interviewed Uche. She explained how she was caught when she tried to cut a 38 year old man’s manhood.
“I am a prostitute and I smoke. I have a gang and we specialise in sleeping with men and cutting their manhood during sex. We use the manhood for money rituals. I have killed seven men in the hotel in Owerri. They had sex with me after they have paid me N3, 000 or N5, 000. I would be on top of the man and in the process I would bring out blade and cut off his manhood.
I do hand over the manhood to our gang leader. They always promise to pay us N150, 000 for each manhood we could supply, and which they used for money ritual.
I dropped out at JSS 3. I stopped going to school when I lost my father, but my mother is still alive. I joined a gang where some ladies initiated me into a cult. Our main concern is going after male organ for ritual.
I have given birth to three children. I sold the first and second children for N200, 000 each. The third child is a boy and he is staying with my mother.
On November 2014, the man met me at Oyima Street, Owerri. He gave me N2,000 to have sex with me. It was around 3.00pm. The victim took me to the hotel in Owerri and he was having sex with me.
I was on top of him and when he was enjoying it, I brought out my blade and I started cutting his manhood. But it hadn’t cut off when he started to shout for help. Then they came to arrest me and he was rushed to the hospital. I was arrested and I have confessed to the police.”
The Imo State Commissioner of Police Abdulmajid Ali confirmed the story to reporters, and also said Uche will soon be charged to court.
Source: Bella Naija. 

New Year, New Me.




Guuuuuuud morrring! Guys, how was your night? Mine was ok, yesterday I went for a carol service/party with two QC alumnus, I'd not seen one since we left high school in 2002 and even while in school we never spoke. I always thought she was this mousy quiet person but last night I learnt that looks are really deceptive sometimes; she's witty, opinionated and very mischievous. We were having quite a laugh listening to Asa-wannabes and an overly enthusiastic choir, but it was all good. While there, Idu called and then we decided to meet up somewhere in Phase 1, some rooftop place, can't remember what it's called, and there we were till almost 1am. 

And after last night I decided that things have got to change, Idu (also a QC alumnus) and I seem to have been having the same line of conversation for too long, for way too many years, and this makes me feel like we're not changing, we're not growing, we aren't evolving, our lives, while not stagnant have yet to take some (positively) drastic turn (don't get me wrong, our lives are good, Idu's is pretty fine, career wise particularly, that girl will go places.) It makes me think of the things I want from life, the things I'd like in the new year but more importantly the me I'd like to be in the new year. So yeah, new year-new me. Haha!

It's that time of the year again people! That time we make resolutions, both those that would last as long as the 10th of January 2015 and those that will go on for a life time. 

What's the new you you'd like to see for 2015? You know what, I'm going to share mine with you, both the realistic and the wishful-thinking. 

1. I promise to work hard at making these lifestyle and character/personalities changes that I'm about to mention work beyond just a few days, weeks or months. 

2. Ok so I thought about it and I realized that I've already shared most of them with you at one point to the other, so in order not to sound like a broken record I'll just mention what's foremost on my mind. 

3. To intensify my (social media) marketing, both for my blog and my other businesses. 

4. Care less, feel less, love less. My sentiments and emotions are over active biko *RME*. 


So, what are your New Year-New Me resolutions/declarations/promises for 2015?


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