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Dear Friend; (Using My Tongue To Count My Teeth...)





"Stay there and be waiting for 'Indian movie' love if you like. Just know that it doesn't exist."

That's what you said to me this morning. I can't quite seem to understand why you and almost everyone else seem to think I'm asking for too much, or that I'm looking for fairy tales. I for one know that I'm not. 

What more do I need to know? Yes, he tries, he makes an effort. But somehow his efforts are just never good enough, not even close, not even remotely close. 

Last night when we sat in his garden while he eat his dinner and you smoked your shisha and I just wanted to be in my own bed in my father's house, I listened to everything that was said. 

Last night he said to you about me "o na e me nwa too much" she acts like a baby too much, she likes to be babied. You smiled and said to him that it's only natural, after all she's the last born in her family. He was shocked; "Nwando is the last born?!" He asked, surprise apparent in his eyes. Even you were dumbfounded. "You don't know she's the last child? If you don't know that about her what then do you know?"

Good question. What does this boyfriend of mine know about me? Absolutely nothing, that's the way I sometimes feel. And yet you always say to me, he really really likes you, he's really trying. Each time I listen to you. 

Last night I cannot count the number of times I heard him say to you "I really like her, but..."
...but she doesn't understand me
...but she likes to be babied too much
...but she acts like a child and I sometimes act like a child, so who will pamper who?
...but nothing I do is good enough for her
...but she gets upset too easily
I heard so many buts but what I heard was "I really like her but just not enough". 

Still you'll tell me not to leave; he really really likes you, he's really trying...

I've been terribly ill all weekend, last night my temperature ran very high and my body was very hot to the touch. You touched me and you shrieked that I was very hot. I could barely move, nor eat, nor speak. I thought I might not make it till morning. I desperately wanted to go to the hospital. He expressed sympathy and off he went to bed. Early this morning he woke up and hit the road just as he had planned, he had to embark on a trip.
    Everyone that called me today asked about him and I said, he had to travel, he'll be back in a couple of days. And they all said the same thing; why didn't he take you to the hospital yesterday? How important was that trip that he left you alone in this state?

Well the trip wasn't that important but my sickness wasn't enough to make him stay. 

I just got back from the clinic and I wish I'm strong enough to pack up my things and head back home. Still this evening while we sat down in the garden and I tried to cure myself with positive thoughts you broke into my reverie and said to me "you know this is how your life is going to be?"

"How?" I asked

"When you guys get married nau, those days when you're bored or when he's not home and you have nothing to do, you'll just come and sit down here and chill"

I looked around me. I love that garden, I love this house, I love the life I could live here, but I'm not too sure the love is mutual. 

"I really want to be loved" I said to you, in my mind I pictured him hustling me into the car and driving me to the hospital, intermittently checking on me through the night to know if my temperature had normalized or if I'm feeling better, holding off his trip for just one day to say with me and make sure I'm fine, instead of leaving me here by myself... Things that my lovers of the past would ordinarily have done, things that YOUR own beau would do, things I've seen your own man do.. Still you said to me;  

"Stay there and be waiting for 'Indian movie' love if you like. Just know that it doesn't exist."

Why is it such a crime that I want to be loved, to be given love in the same measures that I give? After hearing all the "buts" yesterday I realized, while the idea of being his wife is extremely appealing, while I've fallen in love with this home and it's possibilities, I have to be very honest with myself...

When I leave here this time I may never come back, this whole relationship is shrouded in too much uncertainty. Dear friend you keeping asking me to stay and scramble for the crumbs he gives me, while you feast on the mountains of love your man gives you... The time has come to use my tongue to count my teeth, I should be honest with myself and do the wise thing.  

Comments

  1. It's always a hard decision but it's up to you to take. You are the one wearing the shoes, you know where it pinches. Don't let people's expectations cloud your judgement. The answer is deep within you, don't be scared to search for it. J

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmmm....... Its obvious u r nt happy with his actions. That friendship, that closeness isn't thr. Dnt force it T, its difficult, I knw but ask yourself if you can live with hs actions when u guys get married but if u cnt, its better u do d needful now. Dnt listen to other people, do it for your own happiness

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  3. "I really like her but just not enough" is a statement that carries much weight. You deserve to be with one who loves and adores you. just be friends with him.

    A Bili

    ReplyDelete
  4. One of the few things you shouldn't compromise on in marriage is mutual love and respect. If you dont love him like kilode and he loves you the same then y'all shouldnt be together.

    Yourbas have a saying that anyone who uses his friend's clock/timer to time his own race will keep running till he dies. Do not use ur friend's marriage to compare/judge. The yardstick should be what you can live with, your comfort, and your peace of mind. Don't try and manage the relationship to your own detriment. Be happy, be very happy, be very very happy.

    #MyTwoCents

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  5. Owwwwwww my beloved T, pls u deserve d best. Dnt listen to public opinion (wat odas think). Seek true happiness hun. Doing d needful is quite needful sometimes but b4 den, y not allow urselfs some more time to know if u two can adjust, get used to eachoda, voice out ur concerns and look out for his reaction and axn over time. Try to communicate. In essence, I'm saying u shud allow it some more time and think it through. I wish u d best hun.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ada thank you so much. I keep saying this.

      Delete
  6. I totally agree with sunshine and i'm sure it'll be worth it when the time comes.
    Your inner peace is very important.

    ReplyDelete
  7. He doesn't know you're the last born?? It's that bad?? Goodness...that's like one of the first and most important things he should know!! Haba nau!! Noooo. This is..I don't even know what to call it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mehn...obviously that guy doesn't deserve you, and biko don't reduce your standards for anyone. When someone loves you, they don't necessarily have to say it..you can tell by the way they treat you.
    You deserve to be in a relationship where mutual love exists, and trust me, that will come sooner than expected.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Love is such a complicated thing,now is The time for the butterfly-ish feelings to take effect. If u don't feel it now T. You won't feel it in the marriage.

    Take note though,some relationships require more work than others.

    Aside from the nice house and garden, do you really. Like. This dude T? Do you think he is worth it. Cos if your answer to. These questions. Is. No, then quit already.

    However if you do. Like him then give him ur terms.

    Marriage. Is hard. O!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Love is such a complicated thing,now is The time for the butterfly-ish feelings to take effect. If u don't feel it now T. You won't feel it in the marriage.

    Take note though,some relationships require more work than others.

    Aside from the nice house and garden, do you really. Like. This dude T? Do you think he is worth it. Cos if your answer to. These questions. Is. No, then quit already.

    However if you do. Like him then give him ur terms.

    Marriage. Is hard. O!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't really know what to tell you. I will however say that sometimes things aren't always what they seem. We are a product of our upbringing, like it or not. This might be a bit long-winded but I'll tell it like it really was. I grew up though in a loving home, we weren't big on PDAs. If you were sick, no one was going to stick around fawning over you, except it got to the point of being admitted to hospital. It was 'take your medicine, you aren't a baby'. Hubby on the other hand grew up in a home where if one was sick, everything stopped. Everyone was automatically sick. When we were dating, if I was sick he would go as far as pounding yam for me just to make me try to eat something. It was lovely being on the receiving end of that, but I guess he was never sick. Fast forward to some time during the first year of our marriage. Hubby fell sick. I did all I was supposed to do, or all I thought I was to do. That fateful day, there was a church program with a guest minister I had been looking forward to attending. I made his food, put his medicine beside it, commiserated as best as I could and grabbed my Bible, making my way to church singing 'psalms and hymns and spiritual songs'. Alas, after I left, some friends of ours also just newly married came a-visiting. First thing they asked was where is your wife??? And my friend said 'what? she actually went to church? If it was me, we would be taking the medicine together'. I don't think she was trying to show me up or make me look bad, but there it was. I don't even think hubby felt bad before that statement was made. When I came back from church, he sat me down and told me how he felt, which was not so pleasant to my ears. I quickly came down off my spiritual high. He reminded me how he was always frazzled and running around to make sure I was well when I fell ill. He told me he also deserved same. And in turn I told him I never meant any harm. I didn't even realise I was doing anything wrong or being less than loving. To me, that was all I knew how to do. You are sick, take your medicine buddy. Its how I grew up, was all I knew. But looking from where he was sitting, I didn't like the view. I felt selfish. And so I made more of an effort to always put the shoe on the other foot. And do as I would be done by. We're 16 years into this business now. And its been good. What am I really saying? Sometimes we don't know the reason for other people's actions. If it is out of selfishness or lack of love, then of course its a no no! But beware of making a rash decision too. Hubby could have flared up on me, or bottled it up and started to breed resentment. But he chose to ask me first and it gave me a chance to see that I could also break out of my comfort zone and do extra for the man I loved. There, I 've said it. Hope I've made sense. And again, its not too much to ask for a 'no ordinary kind of love'. We all deserve the best. Selah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The phrase "I couldn't have said it better" hasn't had much value than now. You are an awesome woman mrs Nubian. I was nodding vigorously like igbo elders after hearing a Pete Edochie proverb.
      In addition, T, no one is perfect; your friend's man may be good at showing affection better than your man but I'm sure there are other qualities he lacks that your man has....no 1man has it all. If you feel something for him, I think you should hang on and see where it'll go.

      Delete
    2. *absorbing Nubian's comment*

      Delete
    3. At least Nubian Princess discovered a better way to attend to sick loved ones, among other things. What do you say about someone who practically doesn't (seem to) care? The one that baffles me most is that he didn't even know she was the last born. Kai...that's the height of nonchalance. I'm finding it hard to believe. Even guys who just want to have a fling go as far as knowing what's up in their boos' homes. Na wa o..

      Delete
    4. I love you nubian princess! God knows I have tried so many times to make my darling friend see things from this angle.

      Delete
    5. lol, Thanks @ Ocheze. Just doing my part! We need to communicate and if you don't like things after you have communicated, then you can take the next step from there.

      Delete
  12. Nice one....rather Dan breeding resentment or bottling it up, he sat u down immediately u came bak. Dat's d part I love and jus like I said above T, try to communicate. Tell him these things dat u dnt like and he may tell u his as well. Then over time, u can decide to leave/stay, bc ds love thing shudnt be an event i.e sth instantaneous, it's a process. And for him not to ve known u're d last born, I ask, was there an occasion u told him b4? Is he on ds blog? Is he a close acquaintance of ur family? Ve u bin age long friends? If No, then aw was he meant to know? Make una pardon me o but was he meant to carry out an underground check on T b4 dating her, I really want to know. Asides all ds, I still agree wt Clare, if u ain't having dat butterflyish feeling now(if d rlship is young), I wonder wen u ll. I ain't married but I've bin there, I know aw it feels to be wt sb u riiiili love.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tee, I almost wanted to say dump his ass, but after reading phransea and Nubian's comments.... #scratches head. what are your communication lines like??? Too weak I suppose.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol... me too! i was gonna say dump his sorry ass, you deserve better! but after nubian princess's comment.... i have to agree that some people are just clueless when it comes to doting and fusing over someone they love. but leaving you ill like that... without taking you to the hospital?! i really dont know. thats the height of negligence in my book. not knowing your position in the family... and most likely several things about you... what do u guys talk about sef? i'm gonna say think really hard before trying again!

      Delete
  14. Dear Thelma,
    I agree with Nubian Princess and Clare(though to me butterfly-feeling is relative).
    After asking yourself the questions they mentioned and some, then you'd decide if you need to work on him...working on him might just be all that's needed.
    If he's a good man, if he seems really interested in you, if he respects you, if he tries and listens, if you're not always judging, then I think you should give it some time and try doing some work. Talk about it all, remind him, be firm.
    As adults, we sometimes behave just like what we've been used to. Family, friends, lovers and all.
    Example is; you meet a man who doesn't see reasons to let you know his daily activities, but you do so. I'd say, you go ahead and keep telling him yours, then ask for his. Bearing in mind that that's how he's been- previous lovers were probably not not bold enough to ask him, pretended to not be hurt if he doesn't tell them, or even interested in knowing! That's where objectivity comes in. He just can't transform automatically. If you try and he doesn't seem to be adjusting, then you can run.
    Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  15. U need to grow up. Truth is bitter. Dont keep waiting for some love that isnt really realistic. Youre not a child or a teen and you cant always be babied at 29, if youre serious about a relationship and settling then grow up and learn to take care of yourself and stand on your own two feet EVEV in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. really? like seriously?! you call being taken to the hospital when ill or taken care of "being babied"?

      because of 'words of wisdom' like these, some people find themselves in loveless and unhappy marriages o. some of them wud now be miserable and want out in a few months or years. okay o! thelma... after waiting this long... it'll be sad to now get married and be miserable or run out after a few years o. pray, take your time... dont let pressure choose a man for you. you'll be fine! *hugs*


      anon... i apologize if i came across as rude... i understand you are entitled to your own opinion.

      Delete
  16. I agree with Nubian Princess (if this was a random post)but not totally. When I read this post, I remembered some other posts you wrote about this guy and putting all together, you don't feel all that for this guy.

    What makes A's marriage work may not work for B. Some people may think that the above is not a big deal but if it is to you, then make your decision on how you feel not how you are expected to feel. The things you crave are realistic.

    Don't ever use people's yardstick of what works for their marriage to measure what will work for yours. I personally think the only reason you continued with this relationship is because of pressure from friends and probably because the guy is comfortable. If you complain about these in the future, those your friends telling you to hang in there will be quick to point out to you that you saw all these things in the beginning but stayed so you should manage. This is my humble opinion, shut out all the voices of other people in your head and search deep within you if you can live all the rest of your life with this person. Oh and a challenge for you write down 10 reasons why you want to marry this guy and compare it to the list you made before now (I believe you already had one before you met him). J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I will agree with J on this... Do wat makes u comfortable and happy.

      But u must be ready to make some compromises in any relstionship u really want to be into... Like the saying goes, you really can't eat your cake and have it.

      So Sit back relax and make a decision without regrets.

      Delete
    2. Spot on, Uyi. We aren't all perfect, after all. You might be shocked to hear his own side of what he may not like about you but is willing to compromise. Again, I am not saying settle for less. OJ

      Delete
  17. T, i understand that this is your blog and you have a right to be expressive as much as you want, but i would like you to know that Firstly, no matured man would really like to find explicit details of his relationship on a blog, Secondly, All these things you wrote above should be communicated to him in the most subtle way ever, Thirdly, his reaction after you have communicated to him, would then let you know the next step to take. Lastly, if you think you need advise(s)on something about your relationship, just use imaginary characters when writing the story(ies), that way you protect yours and your relationship.
    I love you T, No hard feelings at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anony,I agree with you.
      Thelma,whatever your observations,reservations or grievances are, should be discussed with your man.let him know what you like and what you don't like.Make extra effort to know this guy and then make a decision based on your personal assessment of him and not blog visitors' opinion cos we aren't the ones dating the guy and it's whatever info you give us here, we will use as a judgmental instrument and i don't think that would be fair on the guy.
      I do not know your kinda person neither do I know him but one thing I know is when you aren't convinced in your spirit about a person you are dating on taking it to the next level its best to opt out.

      Delete

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