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Dear Thelma...





Good evening people. This came as a call not a mail but basically the blog reader wants me to ask you all, especially the married among us a question or two. She and her boo have been dating for a few months although they've been friends for much longer than that. She lives in the east and he lives in Lagos. He has a regular 9 to 5 while she's still job hunting but has a small business she's doing in the east. In the course of their brief relationship she has gone to see him at least once for a few days every month while he has gone to see her just once because of his busy work schedule, and also because it's more economical, in that when she goes over to see him she stays in his house but when he comes to see her he has to lodge in a hotel and eat out. She's meant to travel to Lagos to see him this weekend and when she informed her mum about this, her mum gave her the go-ahead but said that she should stay in either her aunty or her friend's place; "it's ok to spend time with him during the day or in the evenings, it's also Ok to cook a few meals for him, but sleeping over is a NO-NO. Do not go and cheapen yourself like that". 

This has got the blog reader thinking; will staying in her boyfriend's house for a week or two, cooking for him and helping him clean up, and have sex with him make her appear cheap in his eyes? 

Does it make a difference if she stays there as she usually does, or if she stays at her friend's place and just spend a little time with him when he gets back from work in the evening? Would this, perhaps, raise the value and respect he has for her?

Comments

  1. If d guy doesn't have any long term plan for/wt you, Yes! Sex cheapens you b4 ur 'boo'. But if it's been going on ever since, den withdrawal now ll raise d guy's brows esp if he has intentions towards u. Ur mum being a good mum, maybe doesn't know dat it has been going on gave d best advice. Personally, I'm not an advocate of premarital sex. Keep your dignity till marriage, though our contemporary world disagrees wt it.

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    Replies
    1. I totally agree with you. Actions that used to be repulsive or frowned at have become "normal" these days. I can't understand it.
      Poster your mum is absolutely right. But I hope it's not too late before the guy would start suffering from "withdrawal" symptoms. I wish you the best of luck *in grandpa's voice*

      Delete
  2. I ain't married but I'm a BV so I'll just give my 2cents. Truth is,if ur serious with this guy and he's serious with u,i think u shld stay with him. From the story,its already a long-distance r/ship. Why strain it further when ur already traveling to see him? He hasn't asked u to move in with him. All ur doing is a brief visit. Your mum's precaution is in place but remember ur neither a kid nor a uni-fresher. But then again ur cld share ur time both with him and ur aunts/friends place...
    And to answer ur Q bout if u wld appear cheapened in his eyes,i wanna believe ur dating a man not a boy?

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    Replies
    1. Aren't they all the same? Boy o... Man o...
      *yinmu*

      Delete
    2. Na d same o..Maturity is all that matters

      Delete
  3. Depends on the guy and his maturity.. my husband and I spent a lot of time together before marriage and it didn't cheapen me in his eyes. Though I got the same advice from my dad but at the end my husband still proposed and we had a full wedding.
    The way u comport yourself while u are there matters a lot too tho.

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  4. Wait but she has been staying at his house prior? I think i read correctly. So whats different this time? Or because she told her mother the truth?

    www.pynk360.com

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    Replies
    1. Yes, because she told her mum the truth.

      Delete
  5. I think your mum is right. The relationship is just a few months old and you're already doing wifely duties? Biko give urself some dignity. If he cares at all about you, whether or not you do those things, he will marry you. Those things are not guaranteed to keep the man. He will go if he wants to go.

    I'm not saying you shouldn't care for/about your boyfriend, i'm saying don't do wifely duties while you're a girlfriend. If he comes to see u at your aunt's place, cook him a delicious meal, when you visit him cook for both if you and leave.

    You're saying its more economical for you to visit him et al. Did he specifically tell you that he couldn't afford it? Or you just thought you'd do that for him too, think that is. Please, take your mum's advise. When he asks, tell him you're obeying instruction.

    #MyTwoCents

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    Replies
    1. Have u ever been in a long distant r/ship and had to visit each other? Have u and ur boo ever gone on a vacation to a diff place? What was ur sleeping arrangement like? Pls,lets be real...

      Delete
    2. Sasha I'm also in a long distance relationship. Sleeping arrangement is very platonic.

      Delete
    3. But u guys share the same roof whenever u guys have to finally sleep? Platonic or not right?

      Delete
    4. sunshine has said it all!!!! even my father always rings it to my ear. to visit inlaws gan .... he will still talk and talk... don't cheapen ursef bla bla bla. I see reasons with him dou but me I kinda believe that I have passed the stage of the cheapening story because myself and le boo are planning marriage for this year. shey person no go visit inlaws ni? well will still make him see reasons with me sha as for poster u guyz haven't dated for long so I tend to align myself with ur mum's position. u can pass d night once a while but not everytime abeg.

      Delete
    5. Nope Sasha, we don't. Share the same roof ke? Don't you know how powerful the devil is?

      Delete
    6. Lol...hmm
      Not prying but doesn't she visit u?
      How do u build self control if u don't test urself???

      Delete
    7. Lmao @ "test urself" That's the lie people tell each other. Why put yourself in temptation's way? What's there to test? Abstinence is abstinence. The bible says "Flee youthful lusts" not "test your capacity to withstand youthful lusts".

      So what happens when you fall? You just accept that you're not made for abstinence abi?
      The yorubas have a saying that translates thus; you don't smell what you are not ready/prepared to eat. If you stay, the probability that you will both have sex is closer to one than it is to zero and everybody knows that.

      Delete
    8. Really? Is that the angle ur looking at it from? Well there are some battles u flee from while there are some u stand and face. And a true soldier practices both!
      Even if u don't wanna test drive the car before buying,atleast don't settle for only online purchase na...

      Delete
    9. Hahaha. Sasha o. Biko I'm so with Sunshine on this one. "...a true soldier practices both..."? Naahh. A true soldier hardly goes on suicide missions, and what you're suggesting is worse than a suicide mission. I'm sure you've seen these words: "do not put The LORD to the test...lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil"? In this particular case, there's no need test driving any car. I don't want to have any kind of accident.

      Delete
    10. Lmao @ accident... na real accident.

      God knows no one is a saint, least of all me but what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong.

      #CaseClosed

      Delete
    11. Nope,not case closed. There's nothing wrong in spending the night at ur boo's place. Excuse my english but the " Konji " must be on another level if you can't control urself over one night of visitation

      Delete
    12. The *konji* is usually dependent on certain things: dress code, supper, sudden chilled night, water therapy(lol), even tv stations like CNN become erotic. When one party succumbs, the lack of response from the other darkens the atmosphere. Prevention is better than cure.

      Delete
    13. I'm really surprised at the angle this is viewed from but then again,what do I knw?? I guess "spending the night" has a deeper translation than its literal meaning...

      Delete
    14. Lol.. Sasha.. The thing is there's no guarantee that both parties will control themselves so there's no point looking for trouble. Plus, the poster wasn't thinking of spending one night. At some point, she spent one week.

      It's easy to argue that *Konji* is controllable from the comfort of our beds/offices but what happens when you're right there? I've heard many of my male friends say "Konji na baaaastard" on different occasions and the way they describe it, you'd think once it comes like that, they lose their senses completely.. I for one do not believe this and think its just an excuse to misbehave but I also will not go and test whether or not the theory is indeed valid any time before I get married.

      I just think its a matter of principle. You determine what is OK to do and what isn't and no matter what anybody says, you stick to it. I can't even think of visiting a boyfriend in his house alone. The one time I tried it six years ago, it was God's grace that got me out of the place before anything serious happened.

      Delete
  6. Hah. This is something that has been happening since 19 korokoro, so what makes it different now? Like Sasha said, don't strain the already long distance relationship. You can do one week @ his place, and another week @ your aunt's.

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  7. Thelma,there is a post on LIB about a lady who's about to marry her ex's uncle,i think you should feature it here too,i just wana know what the inteclectus here have to say about it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Every guy I dated and stayed with and cooked for and did all sorts with before marriage ended up leaving. With my hubby only cooked for him once and never stayed over night at his place and neither did he stay at mine....he proposed 5 months after we met and we r still very happy but u can't judge all situations equally.

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  9. Tolulope, you have said my thoughts! Me, I be old fashioned girl. If I'm to spend a night with a guy, then it means we are MARRIED! Infact, my parents MUST NEVER know or hear I spend a night with a guy. Dear concerned TTB reader, the ball is in your court, shoot well!

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  10. Too many holier than thou peeps on this blog especial kabouy or karbon and her sister and now memphis. Pls shut it up. All those that spent time together and how now married, are they dead or are u better than them? Sweetheart, if u:ve been doing it. It's no biggie, it's only normal to get that advice from you mum. Am sure you didn't tell her it's not the first time. Go sna spend time with him biko. Ignore that kabuoy girl that talks anyhow on every post.

    ReplyDelete

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