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Do You Really Need Closure?







Closure. Have you ever given that word any thought? I mean, save for the time your lover abruptly ended things with you and immediately moved on and you found yourself chasing after the trail of smoke left behind by the speed with which they took off? Have you thought that it might be the reason your first child is actually not your child? Closure. 

A dear friend nearly became a statistic. His boo was getting married to someone else and they decided, one last shag, for 'closure'. One last shag resulted in a pregnancy the new Iyawo wasn't sure who was responsible for. She called her ex, my friend, who knowing very well it was likely his urged her to take it out. 

But here's the thing, not everybody does take it out. It is said that statistics have shown that a rather high percentage of fathers are not the biological fathers of their first children. And why is it the first children? There you have it; one last shag; CLOSURE. That's my theory. 


Yet most of the time it's not about that last romp in the sack, for posterity sake. Most times those who seek closure do so after being left high and dry by someone they love. I've been there before. It kept me coming back, the search for closure. 
       What makes closure so essential that the other person has made it clear they're done with you, they've moved on, maybe even with someone else, they're happier without you in their lives. Yet you stay stuck in a moment, unable to move, not going forward, only backwards. You keep going back to the very person who thoughtlessly stuck a knife in your heart, all because you want closure.

What exactly is this closure, do we ever get it and why do we consider it so important, so fundamental to our moving on?

For me it's being not quite able to come to terms with the fact that it's come to an end. The love, the hope, the friendship, the companionship, the love making, the plans for the future and possibilities have come to an abrupt end, have been prematurely terminated. My mind has difficulty processing it 
and it needs all the help it can get. It feels like a computer with too many tabs open yet you're trying to shut it down. It feels wrong, difficult and painful all at once.

Most times I've felt like without closure there's just no moving on for me. For instance that time when Afam kissed me in the morning and told me he loved me but that same evening didn't answer my call, and never did, till today... That time I thought I would run mad, it made no sense at all. And when eventually I told myself I just had to come to terms with reality, I accepted that but I desperately needed closure.

But guess what, i didn't get closure from Afam. Sometimes I did get closure at the end of a relationship, most times I didnt. I didn't get closure but guess what, I moved on anyways and there was no great mishap resulting from my failure to get closure. Life just went on as usual, as life should. No truck ran over me and crushed me to pieces when I didn't get closure. It was most often on to the next one and then business as usual. And this is how I know that it's all in the mind, if I moved on just fine without closure and my life went on, then what did I really need it for in the first place?


Sometimes it's really all just in the mind. 

It's in the mind and that's what I'm telling my friend who's going back to the bed of her Ex for that legendary 'one last shag' before she jets off with le husband. And I worry. What if you get caught? What if you get pregnant? What if your Ex insists he wants you back and goes all psycho on you and tells the world of this last tryst? What if you back fall in love and get stuck with someone you know is no good for you, the reason you're getting married to someone else.... What if??? All because you think you need closure? Well, I hope it'll be worth it then. 

I guess all I'm trying to say is most times we really don't need closure. We want it, desperately even, and that's understandable. But we don't NEED it. It's just a lie our mind tells us that keeps us going back, keeps us from moving on, keeps us stuck in pain, regrets and misery.

With or without closure, when the curtain drops put your shoes on and walk away.

****
Does closure mean anything to you?

Comments

  1. The inability to cope with the immediate pains associated with a break-up often makes us crave for closure which is, as Thelma rightly puts it, unnecessary. It most often than not brings more pain in the end; pain much more than the immediate pleasure.

    Seeking closure has put me into troubles before, not any more. It's so not worth it.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Thelma for this piece, wanting to get closure only makes the pain more and moving on harder. Just learn to move on and enjoy life. D

    ReplyDelete
  3. Atymes u just want that closure and u can't help it. For me I think its more painful to leave without any reason- u just seat and wonder what actually went wrong and why they had to leave the way they did.
    I guess all am just tryna say is.... The closure is necessary sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Don't advocate dwelling in the past though.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No,you don't need closure

    That's dragging yourself back to the past.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, it's all in the mind. And the mind is the worst torture tool invented. What matters to you might not mean anything to others. Sometimes time helps, other times it makes no difference.

    Happy Birthday to me and dear Mariam (Salaam Abiola). I hope you're having a great day? May the joy in your heart increase and overflow...... *hugs and kisses*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have a most wonderful year ahead!

      Delete
  7. I no want closure jooor!
    Jejely move on!

    Too much drama associated... very unnecessary!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You can have closure without "closure". I don't think sleeping with an ex will give one closure, it is just an excuse we make to taste the pie one more time. E.g Which will likely give Thelma closure e.g in the Afam case having a long talk with Afam to find out why he dropped her abruptly, if he was in love with another person , if he fell out of love etc and just having sex with Afam one last time? Having one last sex is not to get closure in the strict sense. people do that for the fun of it. IMO. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks J, my thought exactly. You can have closure without "closure". I've sought closure before but in form of a long talk and after which, we both went out separate way cleanly. We even talk once in awhile now.

      Delete
  9. Once its over there's no need for closure what so ever for me
    Like you said its all in the head..I just try to move on n things turn out fine eventually

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yes, we don't need any closure, as for me, I manufacture my own closure in my head and move on! I'd liken it to ur example T of shutting down a system with many tabs on; some operating systems would ask if u'd like to 'force the shut down, I guess that explains it all.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I believe that if someone wants to be with me, he ll do everything to be with me, seeking closure is partly making excuses for someone who hurt u and wanting to hear those excuses from the person. If someone breaks my heart that way, he doesnt deserve another second of my time for whatsoever reason, i dont need the closure, i just need to be with someone better than him in every way, that way i consider myself the winner. And for anyone going to shag an ex before getting married is totally evil, it simply means the person is getting married for the wrong reasons, if u love someone, you would not cheat on him for any reason, i cant believe people do that, just Wow!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I ussed to do that closure shit. But you see me now, if we break up believe me, I have never met you and you have never met me. If you say hi, I will ask you if we have met before. I'm done with the good girl thingy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Btw the closure thing to me then wasn't just sex. Like wanting to know why it ended and bla bla bla, then staying as friends. #story# whether I dumped you, you dumped me, or we dumped ourselves, that is where we stopped existing oh. I have said my own and I know who this message is directed @

      Delete
  13. Closure isn't a tad necessary most times. It's best both parties move on and fast, to avoid stories that touch.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Closure isn't a tad necessary most times. It's best both parties move on and fast, to avoid stories that touch.

    ReplyDelete
  15. HaPpy birthday Enjay and Miriam... Many more better years ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nah Nah! I don't beliv in it and its absolutely unnecessary esp for ladies entering into marriage and decides to visit bf for one last time, den it happens. Such mistakes.....hmmmmm. Its a no no for me. Besides, I'm smart enof not to get dumped, I give dar to myself. I read d signs and leave b4 I'm left.

    ReplyDelete
  17. @Ifunaya ur so right, closure caused me to linger around unnecessarily to listen to excuses from someone that hurt me.Its not necessary at all, am wiser for it though.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for this wonderful piece. Its very timely. I have been trying to get closure for a relationship that ended over 3 months ago. I better let sleeping dogs lie and stop torturing myself with trying to figure out why he left. I guess may never truly know why he left. Hmmmmh

    ReplyDelete
  19. Happy birthday enjay and Mariam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ..honestly, doesn't closure or whatever it's called reduce ur value as a lady?..bcos obviously it leads to nowhere n places no value. Like ifunanya said ..anyone that breaks your heart deserves no 2nd chance. You should however be concerned about finding a better person that'll give you no reason for closure..and make yourself a better person too.

      Delete
    2. Ladies lets be wise please and place value on ourselves.

      Delete

  20. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address prophetsuleman@gmail.com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for prophet suleman. His email: prophetsuleman@gmail.com this man can help you, save your marriger and be happy

    ReplyDelete

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