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Long Distance Relationship To Marriage. Who Should Make The Move?





Good morning all! I may or may not have woken up like that but im'ma still hashtag it #Flawless. LOL. Moving on...


Lets ask you all a question, apparently some of you have some very strong, interesting and intelligent opinions and they'll be valued right now. 

So, say for instance Chioma and Femi are engaged. Chioma lives in Lagos, Femi lives in Abuja. Chioma works with (Mobil) and earns about 800,000 Naira monthly, minus other allowances. Femi works with (UBA) and earns 400,000 Naira monthly, allowances inclusive. Their wedding is coming up in a few months and neither wants to have to relocate. Chioma has been informed by HR that if she leaves Mobil Lagos then she's no longer a Mobil staff as there's no vacancy for a position for her in Abuja. Femi has never lived in Lagos, his family has always lived in Abuja and that's where he plans to spend his life, besides he opines that it's the woman who moves to join her husband and not the other way round. 

Although both Chioma and Femi have halfheartedly hunted for jobs in each other's cities, so far neither has been successful so each wants to hold on to the jobs they have in their various cities. 

What do you think should happen in this scenerio? When couples live in different states (or countries), who do you think should make the move and why? What factors are to come into consideration when deciding who should make the move? If they both earned equally would your answer still be the same?

Personally I would like to know why it's almost ALWAYS the woman that has to make the move. Does this come under submissiveness as well or what?...



Ps; Chinny T it seems you were busy last night on Thelma Thinks. I noticed how you took the time to leave a comment on almost every post. Nice one!

Comments

  1. The Woman doesn't always have to move. It will be hard but they have to sit and come to a decision. A lot of couples do it. The family could do with the extra income. TO BE A MAN IS NOT A DAY'S JOB. They will only be spending more on flight tickets and spontaneous visits. They should also apply for leave at the same time.
    I would resent my partner if I had to resign to join him and then I become bored and depressed. Love is not enough in all cases.
    If someone has to move in the end, there must be a proper structure in place to engage the other person. If Oga is self employed or runs a business. I will say he does the moving till Madam can get a transfer or vice versa.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Everything depends on the relationship b/w the two. All things being equal the woman usually moves, but in the scenario above the man should move and look for a job. 800k minus allowances and 400k allowances included are not the same thing. I lived in a different town before marriage, we were both searching in our different towns and we agreed that the first to find will move. Hubby was in Abuja on different occasions for interviews , they offered less pay, the only one I went for in Lagos clicked and the pay was more than double what I earned so I moved.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If its a bank, then the man doesn't have a problem they almost always transfer you based on marriage.
    If it were the US or London, the man would hurriedly move. This is just common sense cos money plays a huge role in a marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Let me comment on the pictures first. Lekwa ukwu! Nice #nohomo. Will be back to comment on the topic.

    ReplyDelete
  5. they could stay apart for a Little while... say 1-4yrs am not an advocate of distance marriage so the wife could gt a less paying job in d husbands location say 500k monthly n move till she gets sometn better or at par with her mobil job instead of resigning n staying at home cos she would be frustrated. the hubby should only relocate to lag if he gets sometn better than his current pay.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Weekends are always available for lovey dovey pending when any one of both eventually get a job in d same location.

    You don't get 400k nor 800k a month salary overnight. They may even have to advice themselves to save and start up an enterpreneural venture in d nearest future by either one of dem.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I agree with Lohla, banks almost always transfer their staff if you apply.

    Plus the bible says "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" Gen 2:24 (NIV) but they first have to discuss it in detail.

    On the other hand, I know a couple who have been living in different cities for over now and they are making it work although they had been married for over 7 years before work took the man to Abuja. If they are mature enough and won't mind the additional expense of travelling back and forth, they can make it work.

    They should discuss the matter extensively before making any decisions though to be sure everyone is on the same page so that months or years down the road, no one is resenting the other.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for the mention Thelma..ur blog is addictive. Nice pic by the way. Biko what app is that?..lol
    back to d matter. They should discuss extensively about it. Won't advice the woman to resign bcos if she does she'll end up resenting him which is unhealthy for the marriage.. i know some couples that live apart n travel down for weekend(though it's not easy, It's a sacrifice) If the man is understanding, he'll try n compromise..maybe start looking for a job in Lagos. After all they both need money to run the home. The man might even get a better paying job sef. With God all things are possible.

    ReplyDelete
  9. So I typed this very long epistle n it disappeared,
    They should start with weekend visits 1st while both look for better paying jobs in the location the other spouse is
    Most importantly they should reach an agreemant b4 the marriage

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yeah, reaching an agreement is important.

    Thelma what do u say about country distance n about settling down. The man wants the lady to come back and settle at home in naija bt d lady has a good paying job in "obodo oyibo". The lady has tried to tell him to com over bt he has refused. D man is an entrepreneur, has his own business..not like he has a salary income that's keeping him from relocating. They're both in love really. Advice biko.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I believe the prevailing realities (this can vary depending on the couple) on ground should be the decider as to what compromise is made. Although, it is conventionally assumed that moving on the part of the lady is being submissive, I'm certain there are marriages that she moved and the same marriages are far from being submissive. It's often taken for granted that the woman always moves, but then new difficulties need a radical approach and sometimes non-conventional means, if a solution is to be proffered.

    As i've mentioned previously, jobs/career shouldn't be solely classified based on compensation packages - people often move from higher to lower paying jobs and this means other unsaid factors are thus important and sometimes of higher priority.

    In this scenario, i'd suggest that career development in their different positions be weighed and other arising factors. I feel it is a lot easier if Femi moved for these reasons - Chioma would certainly lose her job if she moves and the possibility of her getting a similar rewarding job might be slim (oil industry current happenings). Banks are very present nationwide and i'd bet there's a possibility if he's wholeheartedly into it, he can convince his superiors to effect a transfer even if it means a slight pay or position cut. He can also switch banks if the situation so demands.

    If the bank gave him a juicy promotion that needs him moving to Lagos, he'd forfeit his 'plans', infact the juicy promotion would become the new plan. He has to rise up to the situation on ground and stop hiding under the cover of plans. It's good to plan but it is even better to be a realist, facing the facts rather than embracing an idealized plan.

    The excuse that it is the woman that moves is not a rule cast in stone. it's a convention and nothing more. Anybody can move and relationships are about compromise. The earlier one learnt that, the better the relationships.

    Last, they still have few months to the wedding, I'd advice they do diligent searches for jobs and who knows a new job might come in that would settle the issue.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My brother-in-law moved from Awka to lagos to be with my sister. There's nothing wrong in a lil sacrifice. If my sister moved to awka she was going to be demoted, he however had the choice to be transferred, kuckily for him, he got a better arrangement in lagos sef

    ReplyDelete

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