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A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing.
I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to him.  I know I sound a bit harsh, but even I had to realize my then-reality for what it was.  Simply put: you are not and will never be his Queen.
The truth hurts, but it can only make you stronger.
I would like to open up about my experience with this one particular guy where I found myself playing the new side chick role.  I will refer to him as “Jake”.
From the moment Jake and I met, we immediately clicked.  I could talk to him about anything. We would laugh and joke on the phone for hours and help each other out.  He was so supportive, encouraging, and respectful.  We had such a beautiful and strong friendship.  I was attracted to his mind, personality, and character.  However, it was the magnetic chemistry and connection we had that made me fall for him.  He became my best friend.
I thought this was it. He could possibly be the ‘one’.
We began talking every day, multiple times throughout the day.  As time went on and our feelings for each other grew stronger, our actions began to reflect a “more-than-friend-on-the-verge-to-a-relationship” type thing.
At this point, I fell for him.  I had given my heart to a man who was not mine.
I need to pause my story and say this: Queens, we need to learn to stop giving too much too soon.  Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything flows from it.”  It’s impossible to guard your heart when you’re always giving it away.  I think it’s beautiful that God created us to be nurturers and emotional.  However, we are too quick to give away our time, body, money, and emotions to men who have not EARNED it.  A Queen will not have to audition her love toher King.  Her King will already recognize her worth, virtues, and beauty.  Stop giving away so much of you that you end up with nothing for yourself.  Better yet, stop giving away so much that a man has nothing else to work for.  At this point you’re an emotional wreck.  You go out and try to fill that void of emptiness through other men, food, material things, etc, but always come up short.  Queen, only GOD can fill you up after you have depleted yourself.  Go to Him, not the world.
I am speaking from experience.  Though I never gave Jake my body or money, I gave him way too much of my time and emotions even after he expressed to me that he did not want a relationship.
Before a woman gets too involved with a man, she should find out what his intentions are and listen carefully to his answer.
When I asked Jake what his intentions were with me, he said:  “I like you and I see you as someone for the long-term. However, I am young and I know I still have a lot of playing left to do, so I’m not ready for a relationship.”  That reason eventually evolved to him saying he doesn’t want a relationship because he’s focused on school and his internship.  He wanted to secure his future first.
I thought those reasons were valid, and that’s why I still stuck by his side.  Plus his actions toward me did not change, so I figured he really wanted to be with me; it was just bad timing.  I thought that one day, once he got the “play” out his system and completed his internship, he would be ready.  So, I continued to allow myself to get more attached emotionally and mentally.
I wish I knew then what I know now:  A man who really wants to be with you will find every reason to be with you.  A man who does not want to be with you will find every excuse why he can’t be with you.
Queen, don’t make the same mistake as me.  You can’t change a man nor his intentions with you.
Months went by and we continued our usual routine.  He ended up completing his internship and securing a job post graduation.  I noticed a slight behavioral change toward me and confronted him about it.  He ended up telling me that he met somebody new and wanted to explore his options with her now that he had his future secured.
And just like that, I was pushed to the side.
I was so hurt, frustrated, and disappointed.  I remember thinking: “I’ve been building and talking to this guy for 9 months.  How dare he pushes me to the side to pursue someone else.  I was the one who always held him down, supported, and helped him.  Now that he’s “played” and secured his future, he decides to talk to someone else.  He wasted my time!  How dare him! This is not fair!”
Eventually I had to turn the mirror to myself and take responsibility for my actions.  I was the one who decided to get attached to a man who verbally expressed to me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship.  I was the one who allowed a man to stick around in my life for 9 months with no type of commitment attached.  I settled for this type of treatment because I did not see myself worthy of something better.  I thought I would never find anyone comparable or better than Jake if I walked away.  At that point in my life, he was the best I ever had, and I was afraid to let that go.
I am sure many of you are or know someone who is holding on to relationships and ‘situationships’ that God never brought together.  As the year is coming to the end, I want to challenge all Queens to step out on faith, trust God, and release that dead weight.  For 2015, I challenge you to redefine your worth and standards according to who GOD says you are and to never accept any treatment that demeans you.  Get that peasant off your throne and make room for the King that God wants you to build an empire with.  Stop giving your body away to someone who’s not even giving you a real commitment.  Stop cooking all of these gourmet meals for that man who can’t even take you out on a real date.  Cut off the guy that keeps coming in and out of your life because he doesn’t know what he wants. Indecisiveness is a decision.  Make the decision for him and let him go.  Stop acting like an uber to some of these men who won’t even catch a taxi for you.  Just because he sends for you, doesn’t mean you need to come.  Pick up your crown and wear it with dignity and class.
Some of you right now may be trying to justify in your mind on why you can’t let go and move on.  You’ve fell in love with the “what if”, his potential, and what it could be if you stayed.  Queen, stop embracing the fantasy and accept your reality.
I know it’s easier said than done to cut off someone you have invested in and have feelings for, but that’s where your FAITH comes in.  Is your trust in God or the “option” of men you “see” around you?  When me and Jake abruptly ended, I went on a “man fast”.  I decided to focus on my relationship with Jesus and allow Him to mold me into the woman He called me to be.  I decided to not focus on my “still single” status and the lack of man options around me.  All of that time and emotion I would’ve given to Jake, I gave to Christ.  I learned that the more I put into Christ, the more He puts into me.  I took back my crown and regained peace, joy, confidence, purpose, and love.  Man’s rejection is God’s protection!  Jake was never fit to be My King.  I can’t thank God enough for protecting me from a what would’ve been unfulfilling and purposeless relationship.  Since then, God has showed me that there are better men than the “Jakes” of this world.  He’s introduced me to much better when I least expected it.  If He did it for me, have faith that one day He will do it for you. :-)
Be blessed.

One of my darling blog readers sent this to me this morning and I'm so glad she did. Thank you Shamsiyya, although you've chosen to be a silent reader you continue to show me love *Kisses*


  1. On December 25th 2014, I made this decision. I spent one year with a guy who seemed like he wanted a future with me but was indecicive. I kept trying to keep it together, hoping he'll make up his mind soon. But as my birthday rolled around i talked to myself, why should i let anybody treat me like an option when i should be treated as priority?

    So I called him up that evening and asked where we were headed, he told me he didn't know, that he hadn't decided yet so i made the decision for him. I'm not going to sit around hoping some guy would love me enough to make a committment.

    I'm now at a point in my life where God is the most important. Its just been a few weeks but its been fabulous so far.

    Ladies, realise how much you're worth and stand up for yourself.

    1. Way to go sis!!! I'm very proud of you! I didn't want to push it and I just acted like I didn't know what was going on... I thank God you made that decision without me saying one word. and don't even tell me to act normal around him or anyfn! Cuz I won't! *hiss*

      You are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are young, you are an awesome wife material(minus the *clears throat* part) and above all, you're my sis!!! Hehehe! What can I say! Lol!
      But really? 25th?! And I got to know on thelma's blog! Hian! You wie have to appease me with pizza o! Or else?!!!!!!!!

      Wonderful write-up! Tho iv never worn those shoes but my resolve is further strengthened thanks to this post! God bless you Queen Shamsiyya! **hugs** thank you!

    2. You forgot to wrtie ur name at the end, Kabouy!


  2. Yep,this post it two ways. Men and women string people along when they know deep in their hearts they don't want long term commitments.
    If a chick is playing hard-to-get or a guy is playing hard-to-keep,just move along unless u like the thrill of whatever it is u are doing with the person.
    It's r/ships like this that bring out ur mumu-button.

  3. Uhmnnnn.... sometimes indecision is not a decision. you just don't know! You're just not sure. I don't know why people always say it's a decision. If you just don't know nko? I'm in a bit of a situation right now... and I can't make a decision cuz I am just not sure like I don't know. And it has gone on for 2 years now. Sometimes I feel really bad and sometimes I just feel I should have told the guys involved to move on and keep praying cuz I just do not know. i'm just not sure. And i'm not stringing them along just so if one moves on I can go to the other. I really am not sure. And now because it has gone on for too long I just can't... i'm just ehn!

    1. Sweetie I think U have decide to not just be sure.
      2yrs is enough time to get a PGD & a Masters degree hon!

      It takes just a day, a quite environment, pen & paper to make a life long decision.
      So, indecisiveness is a decision!!!

      To the poster, God Bless U loads. Strong women sure inspire other women to exercise their strengths.
      Thanks a lot Dear, I did pick more than a few points...

    2. Ruthy!!!! You don't understand!!!! :'(

    3. I understand indecision, but two years and no decision sounds like a decision to me.

    4. Lmao at Ruthy's PGD & Masters... so true!

      Like Thelma and Ruth said, you've already decided. Just put them out of their misery. Two years is too long a time to remain undecided

    5. Sweetheart, i'll honestly love to understand & show u some tough love. If u want to explain, u can come private, I could send U my email... No judgements though.

  4. Glad to see you are taking your future into your hands. God that has brought you this far would take you even farther to the full accomplishment of his beautiful purpose for your life.

    I know relationship can be a very dicey issue but the apt wisdom to navigate its complexities, I pray would not elude you.

    Its a new year, it heralds new beginnings and also new experiences, new happiness and I pray this brings u to fulfillment in all areas of your life, this year and always.

  5. I had to copy this to my journal

  6. Really Nice writeup n True , knowing your self worth does a lot of things

  7. I spent 5years in a relationship of this sort, even tho my Jake was clear on the fact that he wanted me, he wasn't giving me what I wanted and last year sometime in May, I went to him and told him I was taking the walk out of his life and that I did

  8. Ok

    I decided to come here first and comment before reading others comments before I grow cold feet.AGAIN.

    I was the new 'side chick' for 1year,7months.i met this dude and I fell hard and I thought this is it,only for him to give me the talk after the 3rd month that he didn't want to delay me and all, that he feels I would want to settle down soon and he wasn't gonna be ready anytime soon.i Cried and said ok,its over then but I still went back and so the cycle continued for 1year 7months.

    Late last year,i find out via his sister that I am actually older than him by 3years...finally I had the missing this is why he wasn't ready.As expected after finding out this info, I was hurt and angry for a while but I still went back, before I could say jack,dude is already dating another girl but still sticking around me.

    30th Dec. 2014, I finally decided to tell myself the bitter hard truth 'when it's yours,its yours all reasons in the world be damned' and if it isn't will never matter how hard it is. I decided to give myself the respect I be with a guy who truly wants to be with me and me excuses.

    It's still early days but I am having a blast with me,myself and i,afterall am the best of me that can be and whoever can't see that must be blind.


    1. Favourite I'm giving U 50 shades of Thelma's sloppy kisses!!!

      Welldone Mama. I did the same with myself. Even after the fool came to this blog to expose his half brain mentality!!!
      This 2015 is when I make the Best of everything. Relationship, Degree, Business!
      God go help us ni!

  9. Lols. Amen@Ruthie

    Recently,i came to the realization that sometimes we can be the blockage to our own NEXT level. You can be there praying and fasting and disturbing God's ears(yes keh,its disturbance oh) with requests and pleas and blackmail(oh yes blackmail) and bargains when ALL God needs us to do is to just let go of our 'good' so He can give us His best

    Sigh! May God help us all

    2015,Moving on


  10. Beautiful post. *hugs @ Favourite*

  11. Great post!

    I have been in a worse situationship where the guy was in/out. I dated other people, to no avail and constantly thought about Mr In/out. I realize I'm attracted to people that display this type of behavior because my parents did the same.

    Everytime he'd come back sniffing; we'd have the same tired talk about 'US' ,yet WE never progressed as a unit we only grew our seperate ways. This went on for 1yr. During that time I've lowered my standards significantly to appease him..although I fought with myself every time. I can not stoop any lower and am claiming my dignity back and finally feel the emotional strength to move on.

    And what's bad about this story is I know better. I know my worth, I know man will never leave unfinished bizness with someone he truly wants to be with, I know dating is an elimination process and in this guys eyes I did not fit the bill.

    Finally, my heart and mind are on the same page and they have instructed my feet to keep it moving.

  12. Nice post.
    It's also best to move on from poor relationships, no matter how sad/ hurtful it feels. There's really no need wasting time, emotions and all. You just might be dragging on debris along with you.
    As they say 'there's no gain in the head of a fish.'

  13. nice post.
    It sure pays to know your worth and that can truly be found in Christ Jesus. You truly begin to see yourself the way He sees you, a joint-heir with the Most high, wow!!!! Gradually u learn and it just becomes second nature not to tolerate anything or anyone below that standard. Really when you let God, He takes you higher and gives you peace that passes all understanding. :)



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