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The Things He Said To Me...





I got home last night and decided I didn't exactly feel like being at home. I had three options for the evening.
I could either do dinner/drinks with *Obi, do dinner/drinks with *Acho or go and lounge at Uncle T's place. I chose the latter. 

Lounging at Uncle T's meant less pressure, the two other guys are interested in me romantically (I think) and there I'd be forced to talk, make intelligent conversation and be witty. Worse yet, I'd actually have to wear something nice and put on some make up. So, I decided to head to Uncle T's, no makeup, a simple pair of pants, a vest top, a pair of crocks, and off I went. 

It must have been my lucky day, he just hired a new cook yesterday. Yesterday was the "interview" so this new Benin-Republican (is that what they're called... Pardon my ignorance, I should just google it but....) cook made a lot of meals and I got there just in time to sample most of them. Dang the man can cook!

Meals over, I laid on a sofa and was about to drift away into my own world when Uncle T poured some wine into a glass for me and started to chat to me.

During the Christmas season Uncle T ran into this person I'm currently involved with and as it is with someone who doesn't know they're under your observation, the boo was his natural self and Uncle T took advantage of his ignorance and studied my man. Apparently they're from the same village and you know how Christmas in the east can be, parties every night, meetings everyday. Uncle T had a lot of time and opportunities to observe him.

Last night he sat me down and asked me some hard questions. First of all let me let you know that my boo, let's call him *Dayo and I only became involved very recently and as such, he hasn't said a single thing about marriage, so no, no such plans are being made or even mentioned.
        BUT those around me have chosen to be "forward thinkers" in this matter, and they all take it upon themselves to sit me down and speculate. But like I tell them, if it's not him, it's someone else. Neither of us is at that point yet. 

"Nwando why do you want to get married?" Uncle T asked, I didn't give him any answer, he asks me this question every other week, I don't know why he keeps expecting to hear something new. "Why do you want to marry Dayo?" He asked this time. This time around I realized I had to think. 

Why exactly do I even want to get married? If I'm to be honest with myself I'll confess it's for two main reasons; everyone my age is doing it? Shouldn't i do it too? Isn't it time?
AND my babies. 

These two reasons actually don't sound good enough to me. I shouldn't want to settle down just because all my friends are doing it and I think I've come of age. Neither should I want to get married just so that I can have children. I know enough to know that it's risky business to get married just in order to have children, there's a lot that's wrong with this line of reasoning. I know.

I listened to what Uncle T had to say. He said he met Dayo and watched him, he overheard him talk to someone about me and he could tell that Dayo is really interested in me. BUT, he said; "Nwando take away the designer clothes and shoes, take away the 'fine boy swag' and body, what are you left with? Are you left with enough, if anything at all?"

I chewed this and became a bit uncomfortable. Uncle T's piercing stare made me even more nervous. He really wanted me to think, and he expected answers too. 

"I'm just asking you because marriage is supposed to be for life. Is this someone you think you can spend the rest of your life with? What do you guys have in common? You guys have got to have things in common. What similar values do you share? What do you talk about? Four month after the marriage is it all this 'yeye' talk you people will be talking? This is someone you will be with, when he is sick, you'll be there. When he's broke, you'll be there. When business goes bad, you'll be there. When he's angry, you'll be there. When things aren't going to well, you'll be there... There will be storms in marriage, is this guy someone you think you can be with through all of it? I'm asking you to think now because it's no joke and most people in your generation (Uncle T is 50yrs old) don't seem to know what marriage is about. I'm asking because it's not just about getting married, it's about staying married and the person to whom you're marrying plays a big part in this factor. "

I suddenly began to feel cold. Uncle T said a lot of things that I can't quite write here, some I can't even remember. It's been on my mind, especially the part about stripping him of certain things and looking at what's left. Nwando, is what's left of him enough? I've been battling with this question all night and all morning. 


I'd really like to ask the single people in the house, the ones who want to get married soon; Why do you want to get married? Please be as honest as possible in your answers. 

And for those who already are; Why did you get married? In all this time after the wedding, do you think your reasons for wanting to settle down were good enough, were they justified? 

Please talk o!!! I'm all ears. 


(I'm sorry this came in late. It's a busy period for me)

Comments

  1. Hmmmmmmmm I never really asked myself this question but I think I have a few reasons to make do with.
    1. Because marriage is the pride of every woman.
    2. To bear beautiful kids
    3.To raise a generation that would better this nation (thru my kids).
    4. Finally, because I am African and every African woman should be married and bear children. Awkward answers I know but these are the only reasons I have or could come up with, but wait ohhhh must I have a reason for getting married?doesn't everyone want that companion and love from his or her SO? HOW WILL IT LOOK LIKE BEING SINGLE At 40WITHOUT A SO,ISN'T IT DEPRESSING?.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Am single nd the reason I would want to get married someday is for Companionship!...because even God saw dat it was not good for a man to be alone so he created woman. I think every other reason centers around a wonderful partnership. 2good heads are beta dan one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I got married cos i wanted to Love and be loved, to have someone i can share my life and everyday with, to have someone i could do anything with and be myself around and finally to quit being available for dating, gosh i hated dating so much, its too stressful biko.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops! Love, I forgot love. Why do I tend to dissociate love from marriage? That's not very good o!

      Delete
    2. I want to get married for companionship. I want to get married to m best frnd. I want to love n be loved.

      Delete
    3. @Ifunaya the dating scene really get as e be chai.

      Delete
  4. I want to Get married for Companionship.
    I want to get married to have babies.

    Simple!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I got married because I wanted to be with him all the time. He made me laugh and we had long, meaningful discussions. Every other thing is an add-on for me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. We got married first to be together,n we clicked as friends, we have the same values and views on most things, we want to travel and do stuff together (that's why he wanted only one child) so we would have time for US.

    He wants a small compact home filled with toys, gadgets, fun and love.

    We just want to be happy and grow old together with lots of Raba (money)

    Clare

    ReplyDelete
  7. Miss Pynk, Clare, Enjay, Wale, Nubian Princess, 1ne, TNHW, Praise(DOD), Chocolate, Subomi, Ifunanya, Tolulope, and all other married TTBVs, I doff my hat to y'all. Ko easy rara.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. :) nothing in life comes easy. Marriage is supposed to make living a joyous thing, despite the ups and downs it might be/bring. You'll have a great home if you're determined to. I wish you bliss.

      Delete
  8. I want to get married because I love the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I love,having wonderful cute babies n definitely because of Love

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nobody is perfect....we all have shortcomings

    ReplyDelete
  10. I got married because I am convinced we have purpose to fulfil together. Because I know my journey and stay in this life will b more meaningful with him as part of the story. Because I fell in love with his heart and know I could live without him but I chose not too.

    That conviction has being reinforced since I got married. I have increased in EVERY area of my life, I'm a better person and achieved more than I did without him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh and to have incredible amount of great sex and make beautiful babies lol

    ReplyDelete
  12. I got married because i was his missing rib. Lmao. Seriously i got married because i wanted companionship, friendship and partnership. I married who i love and who loves me in return to grow old and share experiences together. Also to build a home and have a child or two. I married someone that for the better part brings out the better human being in me. Note i didnt say the best, because thats totally up to me. And dating was tiring abeg.

    I can say in the 7 months i have being married, love doesnt conquer anything. The patience of a saint does. There is about 5% of the time i want to tell my husband to eff off. And there are times where he has made me angry to the point i think pushing him out of the bed is the answer. We have dealt with financial ups and downs, sickness, death of family member etc. If you dont love who you marry the difficulties in these horrible situations just become amplified.

    My husband for the most part is very accountable and i always try to remember he does things with the best of intentions. So before i get angry -ex he booked travel tickets without asking me about dates, turns out he thought i needed space and time to rest in obodo oyinbo. In marriage you have to be willing to seek out the silver lining in terms of hardship.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Admirable marriage and union I must say.

      Love does conquer all (1 Corinthians 13:4), that's assuming you believe in the bible. If not, one can't love another without exhibiting patience amongst other desirable attributes with that person.

      Delete
  13. Hmmm I should start thinking Bout all that the boo been talking a lot bout marriage lately getting married to have a companion for life and yes I can tolerate those things I guess, depends on my mood

    ReplyDelete
  14. To love a woman and be loved by that one and same person.

    I strongly believe there is no higher form of love between mortals as that expressed between a man and wife and I'm a sucker for that kind of love.

    To have unrestricted and perhaps unprotected sex without any form of guilt, encumbrance.

    Babies, Babies and more Babies. I'd want to nuture a family and perhaps fulfill my quota of building a better society by doing so.

    A friend that I'd committed through all times and she'd be committed also.

    As to your pressing concerns -
    Character and Values are what you should look out for. Truth is that we'd most likely not get to that point when living is stripped to its barest minimal although we might get close to it but one's true character and values is independent of the times, climes or seasons whether they be in health, wealth, penury, plenty, bad times et al.

    The first step is getting married and getting that right would be a good ingredient to staying married. Don't be overwhelmed and place latter considerations as though they were of immediate importance.

    (Another) Truth is that most of his questions are very valid but then let's not adopt a mildly pessimistic or pessimistic viewpoint to marriage. The complexities of the human personality over time can not be accurately predicted with the most insightful of questions and methods. Although it does help and very necessary to do your homework, but more importantly, take the leap of faith, act on your beliefs and convictions and last, Love.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I want to get married because there's a man out there who I'm meant to be a help meet to.
    I want to get married so I can have someone to play,chat and joke with(Companionship)
    I want to get married because I need beautiful babies to call mine
    I want to get married because it's a good thing. Bible says One shall chase a thousand, two shall chase ten thousand. Together we can do so much...

    ReplyDelete
  16. wud luv to do it 4 love nd companionship nd babies

    ReplyDelete
  17. I love his values, his empathy and his discreet nature. I wasn't in love when I married. For me, my faith, Islam, says I must marry. He is a man I can depend on. He cares for my family. I had my list of pros and cons. I was in my late 30s when I married. An age where I had outgrown 'tall dark and handsome'. I cared for him. He is a man who doesn't need to be told what to do. He annoys me sometimes. Then I think of all his good bits, which way outweighs the bad. And I'm not so mad anymore. Don't let love or desperation drive you to misery. A man who expects the woman to clean and cook for him, wants a slave. The One who insults you in public, doesn't respect you. Shine your eye. Life is too short to live in a bad marriage. Or bad anything.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete

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