Earlier this afternoon I had some time on my hands so I did something I've been meaning to do for a while now. I went and got tested. I walked into the lab and the lady asked what type of test I wanted to take, I looked around me and then back at her, I wished I could whisper it in her ear or write it on my palm and show it to her, but alas I blurted out "HIV, please?". She looked at me and had a funny expression on her face, like she wanted to smile but wasn't quite sure if she should.
After payment was made she called me in and took my blood. The prick of the needle was more painful than I remember it to be. I was told I'd have to wait for about thirty minutes, it's been about three minutes now and these are the thoughts I've had.
Life as I know it may be about to be changed forever.
Why am I here? Who asked me to do this? Is this really necessary?
If I'm positive, what next?
Who would I tell? Who wouldn't I tell?
Why am I so calm?
Why was I so careless? *Tag was a dog but I didn't protect myself because we were forming relationship things. Lord how stupid could I have been?
But *Tag is married now with a healthy looking baby so....
Would I tell my blog readers?
Hell no! I'd probably just shut down the blog.
Are there any HIV support groups in my area?
Wait! There might be, and there might be some really correct people in it, maybe a celebrity or two! This might not be so bad after all...
Are Anti Retro Viral drugs free? God, I'm barely trying to survive as it is, I have no space for drugs in my budget.
Would I tell him?
Why the heck am I so calm? Just why? Why am I not having a panic attack right now? The people who panicked and fidgeted are the ones who tell you that they turned out to be negative. The ones who were this calm tell you they were SHOCKED to find out they were positive...
This calmness isn't a good sign.
Will I tell him? No. I'll just put an end to things, and no, I won't tell him why either.
I won't tell any of my friends. Maybe Osayi... But I get the feeling that our bond is weakening these days.
I wouldn't tell my parents. They're getting old, they really don't need the burden of knowing their child is ailing.
What would I do if it comes out positive?
Can I pray it away? I've heard of people who went for deliverance programs and afterwards they were free.
How will I cope? How will I survive with the mental and emotional trauma?
All this time we've been testing the maids for HIV meanwhile I'm the one who's been the carrier... Does this mean I'd have to stay away from the children? Lord please no. They're my life!
I know some people without HIV marry people who have the virus, but that's very rare. That's so rare. I've never been very lucky finding someone who truly loves me, even without HIV, how much more if I'm positive?
O ka m si je? Is that how I went?
Wait! The result is already out? *it wasn't even up to ten minutes! she told me thirty! I thought I had more time to process this. I thought...*
I'll open the envelope when I get home. If tomorrow the blog isn't up, then at least you'll know why.
Don't worry, the blog will be up!
Ps- I know it's not a death sentence and people living with HIV (can) still live full, healthy lives. But in those moments that I awaited my result I sincerely doubted this.