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Blog Reader Asks...





Please, can you guys help me with a list of topics one should discuss with a potential spouse if one is considering to accept a marriage proposal?
I'm a girl and I just want to make sure I ask all the right questions.

Thanks 

***

I'm really hoping the married people in the house would contribute here, this is something I'm particularly interested in knowing as well, not just me but my friends who are at the verge of getting engaged too. From your experience(s) as a married person, what issues do you reckon should be thrashed out before taking that leap?

Comments

  1. 1) ask him his stand on polygamy
    2) his stand on a male child
    3) his stand on inlaws both urs and his
    4) his stand on his flexibility with u being a career wife
    5) his stand on u being a house wife (wld he be a support w/o making u feel like a liability)
    6) ur (both of u) stand on long distance marriage (per chance he gets transfered to another country/state)
    7) run a joint account or not?
    8) what percent wld he want u to contribute financially (assuming ur working)
    9) pls ask him the type of future and family he wants esp for his kids.
    More to come later...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Talk is cheap, no matter what u ask, he ll tell u what u want to hear. Just ask for the grace of God, dats all you need and state ur stand on things u can't deal with so he ll know from day one.

      Delete
    2. Anon,I can't believe u sounding like this in this modern age?talk is cheap,I agree but some rules,law as,regulations, boundaries and so n so forth has to be set,so you both know ur stands,I also are with u that prayer is important but the bible says faith without works is dead,so yy pray and not talk?will GOD do the talking for her?let's not mix religion with real life issues ohh.

      Delete
    3. Hey dats why I said she should state her stand on certain issues. Asking him makes no difference to me.

      Delete
    4. This isn't about talk being cheap here.

      She should still ask. Even if he says what she might want to hear...he could still say exactly what his thoughts are you know. Assumptions hardly does us any good.

      Also, if arguments about things she asked about- and they discussed, came up.in future, then she can refer to when they talked about it. It just might help, or at least she wouldn't feel like she was dumb not to have asked.

      Then again, his answers would give her pointers to some his thought processes, values etc. It might surprise you, but answers to some of these questions might help decide of or not you'd accept a proposal.

      Delete
  2. Well said Sasha. In addition 2 wht u said, talk abt:

    1-faith - some pple are not willing 2 attend other churches et all, so discourse!
    2-Family- wht roles will ur families play in ur lives after marriage. Talk abt inlaws and ralations visits.

    3-the no of kids u'd want 2 hv

    4-sex - our views on sex and sexuality are different. U need 2 talk abt ur preferences

    5-secrets - the right time 2 share some certain secrets with ur spouse is b4 marriage. That part of ur life dt u rarely share with others. 4rm some family secrets 2 personal choices and health problems if any.
    - Talk abt Boundaries - things u can take and things u can't. Talk abt expectations and most esp like Sasha said Finance!

    Good luck

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How do you bring up the sex issue if you two never had sex before? We are not virgins we just decided to be celibate till marriage.

      Delete
    2. You still have to talk about sex. U should be free with each other to the point of discussing anything. Ask if he has fetishes, what he likes in bed etc. How to handle money issues, house work( unless u want to be doing it alone o)
      Even his stand on cooking and things like that...u would think little things like that doesn't matter but it does. Where to live? Further education maybe?? Wish u a beautiful home

      Delete
  3. I second what Sasha and Eesah wrote.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kudos to all what you guys have written.
    Let me also add;

    -Temperament
    -Love language/s
    -Short and long term goals(where you see yourselves in some years ahead)in several areas of your lives.

    ReplyDelete
  5. In addition to the afore mentioned,i must emphasise the money and responsibility matter. You must talk about your financial responsibilities, who pays for gas, who pays school fees, who pays for food stuff, etc. The little things matter and they are the ones that cause the biggest issues over time.

    You guys should talk about how you will spend, what percentage of your individual earnings will go into ur joint account, etc.

    You should also discuss in laws. Are they allowed to come over, what's the maximum number of days any in law is allowed to stay for?

    Discuss sex. Even if you're not having sex now, you will eventually, discuss what is (not) allowed in the bedroom.

    Discuss your jobs and time schedules. Is he okay with you working on the island and getting home late? Is he okay with you being a careear wife and mother?

    Discuss having external help or not (Housemaids)

    Discuss the number of kids you want to have and how you hope to space them.

    Discuss where u will live.

    Discuss about the church y'all will attend and how he expects u to dress after marriage (remember Rolake's story)

    Discuss food. Is he one of those guys that only eat fresh soup such that madam has to cook a new pot of soup everyday or wake up in the morning to peel beans of oga's breakfast of moin moin or akara.

    Dear poster, there's no limit to what u should discuss. They tell us in church all the time to discuss everything from the mundane to the very important. All the very best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot. This has been very helpful

      Delete
  6. What's your plan B, C, D? He'll change after marriage. How will you handle that? Most importantly, don't tell a man everything, about yourself and your family. It brings see finish. Money. Don't let him know how much you earn or have in the bank. Men don't like women having money. It gives us independence. They don't like or want that. It's not everything the eyes see, that the mouth must talk. Don't give up your life and identity for someone else. Anyway, we are all just talking. Experience will teach you sense and how to behave.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
  7. During my pre marriage councelling class, we were told d 3 major causes of divorce in d church are, in no particular order, Money,Inlaws and sex. So I'll say u talk indepth about everything that concerns these things. Every point raised by others above are also important. You must get a book to pen all your discussions and agreements for future references. Also talk about dreams and aspirations. Take time out once in a while after marriage to go through your book and see if u are on track. May God help us all

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Agreement indeed. Lmao!!. And if the man defaults from the so called agreements, what ll she do? Divorce him?

      Delete
  8. All the points raised are valid. I also wanted to chip in the issue of child discipline because that is a touchy topic too. Based on our different backgrounds, some of us have a different notion on what limits are allowed for children. Most times one parent ends up looking like the bad guy. Children like to test limits and you have to be firm. I was a bit sceptical when I saw how lax my husband was with his younger bro before we got married as I just took that to mean that was how he would be with our kids, But we learnt to use one voice to correct the kids. I however do not agree with the poster that said not to let your husband know how much you are earning as it brings 'see finish'. Its almost like you're going in ready to fail, sure it will be bad. I don't blame anyone though, a lot of bad experiences have made people blase about the whole marriage institution. It is not bad at all as long as you marry a good partner. I say go into marriage giving it all your all. I believe husband and wife are meant to be 100% open with each other. As the Bible says naked but not ashamed. I never took that to mean just physical nakedness. Your partner should be one person that accepts you warts and all. If you already go in with the mindset of 'stashing money away for a rainy day', you're setting yourself up for failure. I'm not saying don't save but I believe in being ready to give it your all. I'm sure many won't agree with me, but remember the yoruba proverb that says 'bi a se n se n'ile wa, ewo ibo mii ni'. That literally means what works for us in my house is probably a taboo elsewhere. I just believe you shouldn't go in with the mindset that things are not going to work or 'he is going to change'. Truth is we all change! We get older, responsibilities arise, priorities change. Children are born and bills are to be paid. If care is not taken, you get bogged down with just day to day living and it seems the spark in the marriage is lost. If that is not properly handled, it becomes a different story. You have to understand that marriage is like a garden that must be tended to by both gardeners. There has to be a conscious watering of the garden to keep it blooming. Don't let the sparks die out. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear, did I really type all that?? Pls where is Oga Wale o??

      Delete
    2. You typed sense. Do not go into marriage armoured up Anticipating failure. Take not of all these points poster and tailor it to fit, like an anonymous said, the grace of God is what you mostly need leave matter. Marriage is afterall learn as you go/on the job there's no expo... Wish you all the best

      Delete
  9. Thanks a lot people, I really appreciate this.

    ReplyDelete

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