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Dear Public Transport I HATE You, Stop Fat-Shaming Me!!!

Before you get it into your head to tell me to hit the gym or go on a diet just shattttttttap, I already know what to do. But that is not the issue. What then is the issue, you ask. 

I'll tell you. 
Public transportation. 

I hate it. Oh how I hate it. 

Does it make me a horrible person? Snobbish? Elitist? Well f*ck what you think! I just hate it. Wait, BRT buses I can manage. Keke marwa, I can tolerate ONLY if I am taking 'drop' ie, I'm paying to sit alone in that wheelbarrow. Buses, Danfo buses? Those I absolutely HATE!

And it's not only because I lack the grace that some people have, to enter a Danfo bus all nicely dressed and made up and come out looking like they just walked off the pages of Complete Fashion magazine, while I'd enter a Danfo bus looking fairly decent, sit in it for fifteen minutes and disembark looking like a homeless drag queen on crack cocaine... 
      Not only because the conductors some times tap my bare flesh with their bare hands that I imagine having not being washed for days and that I try not to imagine the holes and crevices they might have fingered... 
     Not only because, thanks to the heartless Lagos heat people are all damp and sweaty and there's no way they can sit beside you without rubbing up against you... 
     Not only because everyone seems so angry, aggrieved, embittered and slightly mad...
     Not only because when the conductor sees you sitting calmly and spies your clothes he thinks you must be an aje butter and then automatically proceeds to bully you... Yes, this happened to me in January when my friend's boo was meant to give me a ride from Ikota to Chevron. Le boo who had promised my friend he'll drop me off suddenly changed his mind and said "Nwando, please let me put you in a cab, I'll pay.". Angered and enraged I asked him to keep his change and stomped out of his car. This girl waited to flag a cab down when it occured to her that she had only 100 card with her. Haha! I could imagine le boo bursting into a fit of laughter as I jumped into the first bus I saw. I asked the conductor how much the fare cost and he told me 100H, so I paid but I noticed people stopping at the same bus stop all paid 50! I asked this guy for my change and he started to 'tear eye' for me. As in, he actually began to shout at me and dared me to collect any change from him. I looked at myself... 50 bucks... That's not money but the principle, the principle... Omo forget principle, when they reached the bus stop I quietly came down and found my way... Bloody eejit

No, it's not because of all that. So what then? I'm losing my train of thoughts...

Ok, found it! Those buses ARE JUST NOT OROBO friendly, Gaddemmit! I always tell whoever cares to listen that I'm not built for public transportation. Of course I'm referring to my status in life, my (real or imagined) buttiness, my qualifications and my "levels". What they don't know I also mean is my large frame, my broad hips and my fleshy arms. 

So last week I got on a bus (it should have occured to you by now that at the moment I'm carless, story for another day... And I'm not sure I make enough money to spend on LAGOS taxis every time I run around, and the distances too... Don't worry, this isn't story for another day as its only VERY temporary. Ehen, moving on...) and my legs couldn't fit into the leg space so I had to sit to the side, taking up space for almost two. The conductor said "Abeg madam you go come down or you wan pay for two seats?" 

Thankfully at that moment my sister called and said she'd sent her driver to pick me up. You should see the way I jumped down from the bus, I think I stuck my tongue out at the conductor and laughed in his face but I can't quite remember...

Two days ago I got on a bus and one phoooooooooool said, loud enough for me to hear "Why this conductor carry this fat woman?" (Wait, when did people stop referring to me as a 'girl' and start referring to me as a 'woman'... Oh, and at what point did these conductors and bus park agberos start hailing me; "Mama!!!"?) That was it, the straw that broke the elephant's back. I tried to live economically, to "manage myself" and my resources, ignore the voice of my boss that rings in my head every time I'm about to take public transport; "Thelma, take a good look at yourself, God didn't create you to enter public buses". I try to ignore those voices but it's pretty obvious that God didn't. 

So father daddy, eternal God, you hear that? People keep saying I'm not meant for that life (their words, not mine) DO SOMETHING!!! 

I've called Simon my cab guy and I told him "we need to talk". Simon sputtered nervously for a few seconds before he remembered that I'm not his babe and it's not that kind of "talk". You see, Simon is just going to have to give me very discounted rates. Imagine I'm going from Lekki or VI to Alausa to conduct a search, and back again, the cab fare would probably be the same amount I'm getting paid for the job, as opposed to the 500H I would have spent on the bus... So Simon has really got to work something out. I'm done taking buses but I absolutely refuse to spend my life savings on these vicious Lagos taxis! 

I'm not about that public transport life, TTB readers, I'm too good for that, and more importantly I'm sick and tired of hearing people grumble the second I hoist my fat ass into a bus. I cannot stop them from fat-shaming me, but I can stop giving them the privilege of seeing my beautiful plus size butt in their stuffy rickety komkom

And now that this is off my chest, tell me how you feel about public transportation. What say you;
Love it?
Hate it?
Don't mind it?
I don't know because I've never been in it?
Never be caught dead in it?
Only take it if and only if I really reeeeeeally need to?

And have you ever felt angry when a very fat person is about to sit beside you in a bus? (I know I have, and here I am asking you not to fat-shame me. Tsk tsk...)


  1. Oh Gracious heavenly father of baby Jesus now our Redeemer!!!
    Thelma U are a case!!! Beyond help! Kai.

    Wait let me ROTFLMSAO!!!

    Ok, to ur question, I have joined public transportation all my life, from Bikes to airplanes.
    Yes, I have fat shamed people in the bus *only in my mind* esp when I'm the last person sitting on the 4 or 5 persons seat.
    But No, I've never been fat shamed, infact. I see men who have butts bigger than mine sef. LOL

    But my problem is not the conductors touching me *i'm a long sleeve freak even in pregnant sun*
    My problem is the Halitosis. *Faints* Conductors/Passengers talking, spitting & pouring all the foul breath in my face! *Wails*

    God knows I need my personal moving thing, horse, donkey, Keke, anything is fine!

  2. Oh dear, that picture is hilarious.

  3. All my life in Lagos...I have NEVER entered a bus before and ipray idont...Amen.....Thelma,a mad ride is coming fr u dis tee

  4. The sweaty arms and bodies, the foul smell(body and mouth), the lack of leg room(for peeps like us that our legs stretch like the Nile river...I could go on and on, I remember how I curse and swear after every trip.

    Public transport (in whatever form) ehn is for heroes. Amen to mad rides for us all o

  5. Loool this is very funny...Don't worry Thelma ur ride is coming soon. Am a pro at busing tho am not a fan,wetin person fit do, the worst part of the busing experience for me is the dust,I always have to wash my hands afterwards. I always avoid sitting next to someone dat will share my seat with me ;). And there are some really crazy people in lag, a guy once tried to feel me up in the bus.

  6. I hate public transports with all that is in me. I hate hate hate it. Jesus!!! I HATE IT. That's how I feel. Especially the small cars where you have to sit four behind. When I can fight it, I fight it. When I can't, I just pay for the last person. Its annoying. Have you ever sat beside those people that open their legs yakata like they own the bus? Then you just have to fold yourself and manage available space. Sometimes, I become wicked and spread too. Lemme end here.

    PS- Kabuoy, Address is Apo, Abuja. I'm buying you red velvet too.

    1. *shoki* *alanta* LooooL!

      Did God finally answer my longing for red velvet cake after sunshine's delicious birthday cake?!(i'm am going to safely assume you're talking about cake)

      Errm... okay! *big bright smile* am I being "val-ed"?... I know i'm not being punked (lai lai!) and it is not a typo or a mistake ooo! *shoki* lol!!!!!

      Thank you Ruby! *kisses*

      I live in Lagos tho... :( but #naGodwin!!! lol!

    2. Kabouy u dey dream ,okay now kip dancing shoki. Kabouy do u know I can't dance shoki?I don learn tire, for where but I sabi sekem and na sekem.hard pass. Choiii ur shoki dance just remind me and ma bu Mi ohhh. Lol

    3. The red velvet (whether it's cake or material for cloth) u guys are sharing shldnt pass me o...

    4. Hahahahahahaa! You and sunshine should be sisters o!
      But If you sabi sekem! You're good nah! You fit dance shoki too... you fit coordinate your leg and body! but u see that sunshine ehn! You need to see her dance azonto!!!! Lmaoooo! You wie laugh ehn!!!!! She wie be doing as if she wants to twist!!! *rotfl* Then her face and mouth! Chai!!!! Like she's doing the best azonto ever! Ha! She's always a pleasure to watch! I swear. Shoki no hard at all! With your ela... lol... and you fako si! lmaoo!

      Sasha... oya... switch lane ooo! lmaooo! You this Jona supporter! Lol! Notin for u! Until you switch to the winning party!

    5. You're not being punked o!!! But for dancing sekem and shoki under my comment when I can't dance it, no more red velvet cake for anybody.

    6. Lol,kabouy u b case I swear,I for like meet u see if u are this way in reality.lop and for the records Sasha no really dey with Jona ohhhh,she for even prefer the KOWA woman so Abeg share with her biko. Lol

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    8. Ahhhhj Ruby bikokwa,ma sebe joor,we need the red velvet biko,oya we wud teach u shoki and sekem even though I no sabi shoki.Lol

    9. Hahahahahahahahahahaaa!!!! Ruby!!!!!!!! You can't do this to me!!!! Lmaoooo!!!!! I can teach you nah!!!! That's no problem! Hahahahahaaa! *aaaah shoki*

      Maybel... me too o! Me that i'm very 'kwaaayet" lol!!! don't mind sasha jare. I don't even think she supports any party! I'm just pulling her legs. Lol! How uncle Jona take enter sharing of cake? Lol!

    10. Ha! Kabuoy! Na me you wash outside like dis? I thought we were sisters azzin, i thought we were tight..

      This night ehn, na me and you. We will enter the same trouser/skirt!

      Kai! see me o!

    11. U keee?quite keee,I see the quiteness ohhh.Lol, sunshine mabinu jawe,she is a nauurrry gal.

    12. @ maybel, i fit offer to teach you shoki. Oya let's GI, put your legs apart a bit, stretch ur hands, do d ela part, take ur body go down and come up again. U go put ako o(shakara). D shoki dance easy die. See me privately for more tutorials

    13. @perfect nails... oshey! oya fakosi... fakosi! lol! Pls help me teach maybel!

      Sunshine my darling. We are tight we are tight! Lol! You know I love you! Lol... but this your threat... you'll probably sleep outside today. Hehehehee!

    14. Perfect nails make Thelma kach u,u don turn her page to shoki tutorial centre baaa?okay now,T come n flog them.

    15. Uyi wetin e resemble? Lollll

    16. As in ehn...I'm equally lost like uyi. The only thing I picked up was velvet cake, and kabuoy being based in lag. Biko Ruby my fiance stays in abuja, very close to Apo. bless me wt cake make I val him as I no come dey town right now. Make i put a smile on his face.

    17. @ uyi, come and learn how to dance shoki if u dnt know hw to dance it. Shoki ahn

    18. Chinny T, we can work out something if you're serious.

    19. Aw...Thanks darling,so happy u replied. I'm serious about it dear. Pls giv me ur email.

  7. Lmao!! Thelma i just love you, Damn! You write so well. Sorry about ur experience but public transport is a nightmare i swear.

  8. Lol..I so hate boarding buses.Keke napep I can manage but buses,no no.Most times when I have 2 go somewhere & I remember all d hassles involved,i just 4get about it & give excuses but I really don't have much choices 4 now.It'll only get better.

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  10. Wow. This is worse than a woman scorned. Allow me to ROTFL with Ruthy.

    Well, your sentiments about the behavior/hygiene of the conductors and passengers (bad breath, spitting, bullying, sweating, *duping*..) are accurate less than half the time you board a bus. The rest is in your head. The reason you almost always meet *unhappy* people in these buses is because no one, including you, wants to be there but have no other choice. calm (mehn..I'm still laughing :D) when jumping on a bus next time, clear your mind and forget what the sewer-laden conductors or foul-mouthed/sweaty co-passengers feel or say. Jump in, take out your phone/pad/novel, and let the ride pass. It's just temporary. Enjoy it while it lasts. :-)

    1. Honestly...well said bruv! I pretty much pay absolutely no attention to anyone or thing except when I'm asked for my fare.

  11. Lwkmd..... This Thelma na case. See the way I was imagining every scenario she was describing.
    Now back to d question. Yes I av ridden public transport all my life as I no get ride and my small paycheck can't foot cab fares. To be candid I always get angry whenever a fat person wants to sit beside me because I'm a lepacious sombori. They will carry their bug nyansh and squeeze me and I will be panting for breathe. D small leg space I'm suppose to manage, they will take it too. If I tell dem to adjust they will tell me there's no space again

    1. Hahaha...very funny!..and esp wen ure d last to sit at d edge of d seat and u've got one butt hanging out of d seat bcos of a fat person. Then wt ur "one butt" still hanging out, ure made to fight for "leg space" wt d conductor who seats opposite you by d door.

      Eko o ni baje oo!...

  12. Hahahaha... T, I think this the funniest piece you've ever written..
    Relocated from kaduna to lag a couple weeks ago #Hustle... Haven't yet experienced a lot of public transport hassle but i'll say this though; I do think you lagosians exaggerate the whole traffic hold up thing...gat me leaving the house by 6am for 8am appointments, arriving there by 7 like a brother's gat a crush on the janitor.
    BTW, T, I thought you had a car. I could've sworn I've seen you write "I drove to bla bla street.

    1. "it should have occured to you by now that at the moment I'm carless".
      Yeah, it's momentary. And that's the worst, when you're used to being mobile and suddenly find yourself carless.

    2. Lmaoooo @ arriving there by 7 like a brother's gat a crush on the janitor.

      You people will make baba think i'm crazy... he keeps giving me this look! heheheee! Punintended... if you live on the mainland and work on the island and you leave your house around 6 and get to work 7. try leaving around 7... you'll know how far.
      There are 3 staff buses that pass my route... and they are just like 5 - 10 mins apart. Anytime I miss the 1st bus, I feel like iv missed staff bus for the day. Cuz if the first staff bus gets to work at 7, the 3rd might not get to work until 7:45 or 8 or more sef.
      I was going to church on Wednesday. V.I to akoka.. sevice ended at 7:30pm.. I got to jibowu at 8pm and I left the office at 5pm. I just couldn't cry. Sometimes it's not that bad other times... it's just ehn! so my "brother"... the traffic situation is real and terrible!

    3. Lols,nice humor...

  13. I don't love public transport but it's the most I could do with now as I can't afford to dash cab guys my money cos them too dey charge,I remember my last bday when I got a surprise call from cakes and creams opebi telling me someone had ordered cakes for me that I shud come pick it up,just from that cakes and creams to Ikeja under bridge that keke collects 100,the cab man collected 1500with I beg nii ohh. Bikocab too cost, I can manage the public trans insult, I remember a conductor once calling me Oni idi NLA meaning big bumbum,kaiiii Shame kach me but am used to Lagosians and their insults so I definitely understand every bit of ur write up. The pix though. Lol

    1. Lmaooooo! Maybel oni Idi nla!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaa!!! Chai! It's friday most people are snoozing... you want me to wake some up ba?! lmaooooo!

      That's a compliment nah... be proud of your Idi nla jare!!! maybel maybel! Hahahahahaa!

    2. Kabouy timba GBA e mu,u better leave me alone,I don't like people calling me Oni idi NLA Dats yy.I vex for the bus conductor, biaa nwa mind bad gal

    3. Lwkmd@ oni idi nla. Dnt mind dose stupid conductors but that was really funny. See me laughing hard

    4. Perfect nails mind urself ohhh,yy u dey laff?na me give myself idi NLA nii? Go joor.

    5. Perfect nails mind urself ohhh,yy u dey laff?na me give myself idi NLA nii? Go joor.

    6. @ maybel, na dt idi nla I dey find o. Cum give me small. Lmao

  14. Hahahahahahahaahahahahahahhaaaa!!! Rotfl!!!!! Chai! Thelma you want people to think i'm crazy in this bus!!!! See buti!

    Where would I start sef.... I hate public transport but well I don't mind if I have to take it sometimes. like I don't even think twice even if I can afford to hail a cab( I remember the day uncle B gave me 10k to take a cab and then dropped me at tbs(brt bus stop) omo! I no think am o! Heheheheee! Brt straight!) and yes! I know i'm not buti like you but err.. well.. I can spoil myself with the extra 9500! Lol!
    Danfo drivers, conductors and their palava! Every time I enter Danfo!!! There's always a story to tell! Every single time! Lmaoo! Ha! And yes... I don't like fat people sitting beside me *covers face* cuz most of them take the space of 2 people. lol. And cuz you're small.. they'll just squeeze you. And some(if not most) know it's because of them that it's really tight and they get very rude and defensive when you tell them to adjust. Lol!!! So yeah... that's that about fat people.
    And that change thing ehn.. or hyping the price cuz they think this one is "omo mummy" she wie have money... so sometimes I ask the person beside me. sometimes some "abiyamos' in the bus will shout at the conductor and go "kini 100 naira... it's 50 naira jor. from where to where?" lol!

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  16. Very funny and nice write up.

    About public transport,I hate those danfo buses most especially those ones they call 'molue'....heaven have mercy!I have taken public transport countless of times and yes I hate it but what can one do until you get a personal ride. I also don't like jumping from one bus to the other before getting to my destination.Prefer just one bus straight to my destination. The reason I prefer Brt buses most times because it reduces the number of buses. Brt buses and keke are preferable as I don't always feel as if I was stuffed into a tin of sardine .

    Yes I have sat close to fat people before and on one of those occasions it wasn't funny at all. I could have sworn she sat on me because I couldn't do basic things like breathing and moving easily. That I was uncomfortable is an understatement.....whew!!

    They are mostly the object of laughter or jibes from the conductors. They best way they can avoid this is just pay for two seats and let the conductor take his frustration somewhere else.

  17. I came for an interview in Lagos sometime in October last year and I stayed lekki but I had to move to ikeja for another interview that evning,my friend picked me up by 5pm and we got to ikeja by in I was tayad of being tayad,i kept asking him weather we were eva goin to get to ikeja...I have not been called by any of the firm's yet,stil hoping it happens so I leave benin city and change my evniroment.but for that 3days I spent in lagos,i kept wondering how these people cope...lagos is a crazy place not mind my typos biko

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  19. I've called Simon my cab guy and I told him "we need to talk". Simon sputtered nervously for a few seconds before he remembered that I'm not his babe and it's not that kind of "talk".
    Bwahahahahaha. I really needed this laugh.

  20. I keep saying it, the public transport system in Lagos isn't for the children of God.
    Thelma, your cab guy really has to slash fares o!

  21. Public transport! My one excuse for having zero social life. You decide to live a little and choose an appropriate outfit for the occasion. Then you try to figure out how to get there, realize it means plenty hopping in and out of rickety buses that sometimes won't stop completely so you can at least enter with 'grace'. Suddenly your bed has the same appeal of an antique spring bed and you convince yourself that you've always been more of an indoor person anyway. That's how much I hate public transport! O ga dinma!

    1. Azzin.. this so

      When pple ask me what i do for fun, my go to answer is "reading a good book on my bed" azzin.. i have zero social life outside church. I go and see the ocassional movie when I'm desperately bored but besides that, my bed is my chilling zone.

      Those danfo guys ehn... they're something else. Its like they train them specially, the lingo, complete disregard for traffic rules and common courtesy, etc.

      I hate public transport but I'm a pro. Once i enter the bus, my ears are plugged and my eyes are inside my phone until i alight... subscrption or no subscription, i have plenty e-books on my phone that keep me busy.

      As for fat people, mehn... i will not even lie, i can't deal.. then sometimes they will be two on one seat and you'll be wondering, when you see someone ur size or bigger seating on one seat, common sense dictates that u find another seat that can accomodate u, but these people? No o, they will even seat beside each other sef and expect that seat to miraculously size the remaining people.
      Its their type i cant stand.

    2. Some friends ask why am always wearing flats, will I be wearing heels and jumping bus.

    3. Lol@sunshine's 2 fat people on a seat.i will rather wait for the next turn.
      I HATE PUBLIC TRANSPORT!!!!!!!!!I can't deal with the slightest body odour & some that seat like they are in their sitting rooms,not forgetting the rude conductors,some unnecessary chats & unsolicited loud music & the heat if caught up in traffic.*deepsigh*

  22. Thelma I've been in lag for quite some time and I cant count the number of Danfoh I enter with ukwu and ndi ala (or wateva maybe called it) even twice as big as urs. So don't beat yourself too much about Ur experience dear!

    I guess you are finding it hard... Your car is coming soon. But wait, wat happened to your car?

    1. Uyi yy use my words?take time ohh,I will flog u now n it's idi NLA. Lol

  23. I never come out looking as nicely as I entered..Never I dnt get it
    The sweaty,scruffy n sometimes smelling people
    The face that that evrybody is always angry
    I just hate evrything mehn
    I have fat shammed people a lot thou

  24. cancelled a lot of appointments because I didn't want to jump buses. The few times I did, I zone out from everybody on board

  25. I hate buses.. I can fly bike for Africa but unfortunately no bikes in my area again... cabs chopped my money well but now I hardly go out.

    1. Same here,I fly bike dat much too...had to minimise wearing of heels cos of no more bikes in my area in lagos.
      I use to have aloho of issues wit fat pple then inside bus o,ones u join my seat row I wil immediately get up and change my seat to another seat row, and if u question me or ask why cus I guess they always know why,hmmm it's always kasala...
      But then I still prefer lagos danfo buses to port harcourt buses, ph buses re worst!
      I just thank goodness dat cab fare is cheap in ph compare to lagos, most times when I kack up I use cab to go out.


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Question of The Day.

TTB readers doesn't this tweet below remind you of something?
That mail that someone sent me a few weeks back. 
But why on earth should a man sleep with his son's fiancé? But what am I saying, some men even sleep with their daughters...

Oh well, I'm throwing the question to you. What has happened in your life that you never saw coming, you never hesperred it, you never imagined could happen, you never imagined could happen to you? 
It could be good, it could be bad, it could be ugly. Do tell!
And it can be more than one. Let me tell you a few. 
-owning a blog -week long dry fast at Prayer City (I never hesperred it).  -staying in an (emotionally) abusive relationship.
The others require anonymity. LOL. Now over to you.