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Dear Thelma..., (Confused Blog Reader Needs Your Advice)





Thelma I am very confused but I will try not to write an epistle. My boyfriend is a very good man with heart of gold but I don't love him. My problem now is that he wants to marry me, everybody is expecting us to get married especially his family and I don't know what to do. The problme is that he has been very good to me, I am like an orphan, my father abandoned us for our step mother and her children since I was a teenager and my mother got married to another man and has other children now, we still talk once in a while but we never see even though we are both in nigeria. When I go to the east I don't bother to look for her and when she comes to Lagos she don't bother to look for me or my siblings. All my siblings are married so in my family it is O.Y.O everybody is on ur own, Thelma that is y when I met my boyfriend and he offered to help me I accept. I really liked him n I thot it will grow to love. His family is quite rich and he is doing very well. He paid for a very expensive professional course for me to boost my cv (I did not ask him to), he helped me to move to a better apartment n paid for it too, his people  worked my service to a state dat his brother is into politics and they worked my service to the governor's office, after service his other brother got me the job where I am working in Lagos. They have been very kind to me and they involve me in their family activities, I try to escape but his sisters will come to my house n pick me up, sometimes they even sew asoebi for me, when they travel they shop for me. I really like his family very much as thy have embraced me as their own, but my main issue now is now that my boyfriend has finally said he is ready to start making the marriage arrangement. I have tried and tried to love him but it didn't happen. I like him very much but I have no attraction for him, before I could manage it but now if he touches me I feel angry. I have refused him sex for 2 months now and I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him again, how do i break up with him now, how do I tell his family dat I dnt want to marry him after everything they have done for me. Or should I just marry him because of all the help they have given me? Pls you guys shud tell me what to do because I am confused.

Comments

  1. Question for the gods!! Haha

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmm this one hard oiooo. Babes you should have cut him some slack before now. After all the goodies you enjoyed from him and his family, calling off the relationship now is just gonna make you look like one ingrate and opportunist. From from your narration, the family seem nice and welcoming, pls try and love this guy and work out things. Guys like him are rare, oko won l'ode ooo. God help you dear.

    ReplyDelete
  3. SOMEBODY HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
    I was just about to post my comment when someone passed by with the most offensive body odour ever perceived.*I bet he deserves a page in the Guinness Book of Record.*covers nostrils**faints*
    POSTER GIRL ama be very true to you,1st, let me ask you;does he have body odour like this passerby? if yes then i understand why you can't marry him,if not, please don't marry that guy out of pity.just send his contact details in the singles and mingles post for other girls cos you don't deserve him.
    How can you not even love such a man who has done so much for you? is your heart made of nokia3310? .anyway I will advise you tell him you don't love him enough to marry him dazoll.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lmao!!! Smellos...

      I'm tired of girls dese days... Man like that and you just don't love him? U gotta be kidding. Abeg marry him and swallow that 'unlove' of urs

      Delete
    2. Please my dear pray o! Sometimes the devil can make us confused in other to miss God's wonderful plans for us.
      I think that might be the case here.
      Adaobi!

      Delete
  4. First off, you're a very selfish woman.

    You didn't love him yet you collected his money when he offered it, slept with him, collected all the stuff his family bought for you, chose to serve where they worked you to, accepted the job his brother got you, etc. All this time, did it ever occur to you to say "Thanks, but no thanks" ? Didn't you ever hear the saying "Don't smell what you won't eat"?

    You collected and collected and collected, now that you are full, have a good job, a professional exam under your belt and a good CV, now that you don't need his money as desperately as before, suddenly his touch angers and irritates you. When you were collecting his money you were hoping "the love will grow" now that you don't need his money as much as you used to, that hope has suddenly died abi? Now you are confused and need advice abi? What do you want us to tell you? That you should leave him since its obvious that you stayed this long for his money? or that you should marry him out of guilt or pity?

    The only advise I have for you is Grow a Damn Conscience! If you don't like someone, don't toy with their emotions or lead them on, no matter how much money they have and how much you need their help. I'm sure you didn't become his girlfriend the day you met him, what stopped you from saying no when he asked to take your relationship further knowing that you didn't like him as much?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You took the words right out of my fingers. Some people are just plain strange. The kind of heart shattering love you are looking is a mirage. Don't say you weren't warned.

      Delete
    2. Thanks U sunshine!?! Kisses on ur lips ni... *Unlooking 14yrs*.

      At my age & experience, LOVE is nothing oh! Love will definitely grow. As long as My Future Boo holds My hand to pray, Remain faithful & Respect Me, Provide my needs & those of our kids, I will manufacture that blazing fire love from Jupiter.
      What is Love sef? Na animal abi thing? *RME*

      Delete
    3. Sunshine said it all....selfish somebody.....TNHW

      Delete
    4. Thank you sunshine and read and adhere to what Ruthie wrote too.

      Delete
    5. Sunshine baby,I so love u u hit the nail on d head sweety,this is d sam story I head on IFM,Wana's show yesterday but the difference is that the u are a female yy the latar is a guy,poster pray ohhh and open ur heart to love, loved doesn't just grow in a day trust me.

      Delete
  5. Omg at Bloggitup...you are soo funny
    Anyways Dear poster just get ready to lose all the goodies if u are ending the relationship
    I won't advice you marry someone out of pity but hw do you not grow to love such a person,if he's as nice as you said its surprising thou..wish you all the best

    ReplyDelete
  6. My advice for you will be 2 drop his telephone number...email as well if possible. Reach me thru my email address or my blog. May u be rewarded with plenty future 'love' as u do this. Amen

    www.realnessisme.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Poster, Love is supposed to be easy but it always seems to be the least emotion when faced with neglect; your parents and your siblings, none seem to have your back. The world becomes hostile with limited possibilities and no shoulder to lean on for support...till you met him. I understand. A lot of us will tow the same path you did in your situation. But I personally don't think your problem is lack of love, or that you don't feel attracted to him. I think you're scared. Scared that you may have a broken/disfunctional home, scared your kids might not relate the normal way, scared that they may eventually end up being in OYO mode. That's what I feel. Uncertainty breeds Fear and you are fortunate to have a family that has wiped that out almost entirely through your boo. He's nice and so far you're coping with his pros n cons. Start from there. Stand with him and face this hostile world you've known instead of standing alone. Be rest assured, you won't stand alone this time. Stay blessed dear Poster.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Jesu! (This is time Where I wished I could speak edo..to express how I really feeeeeel)
    Baby girl. I don't know what to tell you oo. this is tough. All Ze best

    ReplyDelete
  9. I never asked for anything and I always told him that I am not sure how I feel about us marrying. I hoped that one day I will begin to love him, can I force love if it is not there? I never told him that I love him, he even knows and he said that I will start to love him and that love grows.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. I understand you didn't expect this much banter. But the truth is, you have painted this man to be the dream man for every single lady out there and yet you dont love him?
      There's definitely something wrong somewhere, either with you or with him. But as it is, it seems like you are the one with issues that needs to be resolve before committing. Probably you might want to meet with a shrink or something (plz don't take it the wrong).

      In the end, we all want what's best for you and every other TTBers here.

      If you want my advice, plz rethink your 'love' issues. Cos if you can't this man who can you love?

      Delete
    2. My dear Poster, love is less of emotion and more of our actions towards ourself and others.

      What you lack is emotional attraction and not love (in my opinion). You can make a decision to either love someone or not. One reason the Holy Book admonishes us to love one another. If it was something left to 'uncontrollable emotional state' then no one needs to tell us to love another person because it would be out of our control to love or not.

      I will advise you ask yourself and answer sincerely the factors which make it impossible to feel emotionally attracted to him. There surely must be factors which if you are willing/determined, you could tackle and resolve. You have a diamond in your hands; please do not throw it away.

      But if you insist you need to break away from him, honestly, there is no easy way to do this. I've been there (in almost the same situation as yours) and today I wish I didn't walk away.

      All the best as you decide.

      -F

      Delete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. D thing is u can't force love, no mata how we see it, u just can't, but for you not to have loved him up till now, after every??? Whoa! Smthing is def wrong smwhere and honestly, I dnt knw what it is. U sounded like they choked u up with the love u are not ready for and just like memphis said, its breeding fear of the unknown. However, I'd advice that u don't loose him please because there is absolutely no reason to. Free ur heart and accept him. Chai.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Poster, poster, poster, how many times did I call you.

    Please, be sincere and ask your self why you don't love this dude, maybe he isn't fine/handsome or you are eyeing someone else.

    The grass usually isn't greener on the otherside when it comes to issues of marriage. What are the factors hindering you from loving this man.

    Don't throw away something this beautiful, at the same time don't be in a hurry to marry him so you don't end up cheating on him and cause his severe pain.

    You should have ended this relationship a loooooong time ago since you were certain you never loved him.

    Now, you will only be seen as the selfish girl who collected everything and gave back nothing.

    Marriage isn't just about love, many women marry for other reasons other than love, that is not to say love is not important.

    Pray about it and ask God to guide you. Sometimes God's will for us is right in front of us and we choose to do our own will.

    From experience, love isn't enough to sustain marriage o, I'd choose stability, trust, peace of mind and a God fearing rich man (lol)..

    Ask Dabota Lawson. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Please pray and pray hard to love the guy. If not drop his email address on my blog. I have plenty single friends who are tired of sufferhead in the name of love.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Poster, I don't have any advise for you oh on your 'predicament', all I'm begging you on my right knee is to send that man's contact to me through Thelma. Please, I beg u. I promise you that if u furnish me with his contact, I will fast and pray for you so that that nuclear weapon like Love that u are looking for to come and bomb you, will come very fast.
    Hey who remembers Janet Jackson's song that says ' you don't know what you've got till it's gone'.

    Poster, I pray that the witches that followed you from your village will let you be, Amen.

    ReplyDelete
  15. hmmmm.... dear Poster, I think the problem is with you. Babe you need counselling judging from your childhood background. You have never experienced what true love is from both parents nor your siblings.
    Dearest, you cant give what you don't have. You grew up around selfish and self centred people, that the only thing you know.
    I strongly think you need counselling and you also need to pray to God to teach you to love because, this may reoccur if you dont find a permanent way out of this... you may continue to experience this kind of withdrawal feeling towards the opposite sex or those who generally care too much for you
    I wish you all the best love. God bless you and give you the Spirit of wisdom, knowledge and understanding to deal with this situation you have found ourself in :*)

    ReplyDelete
  16. You know, if this poster were to be an American, they would have a name for your issue: something like obsessive loveless Syndrome (OLS or LOS) lol.

    I like anon 3:14pm's comment. It reflects exactly what may be happening to you. Maybe the lack of love in your life from childhood make it very hard for you to understand what this man has for you.

    My dear, you don't just need to love this dude, you need to protect him. Cos if you leave him, the next girl that comes his way may end up paying for your sins.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Babe..try n have the fear of God naa!..why did u keep leading d brother on by accepting all his gifts and kind offers..and now u wanna back out? Naa! Not nice. You'll grow in love if ure ready to. It starts with the mind.
    You need to pray to God and go for counselling bcos u really need it. I really feel for the Bro. When girls r out there praying for quarter of what you have..but u "ve got in on a platter of gold. *Life*
    "Learn to Appreciate what you HAVE,before TIME makes you to Appreciate what you HAD".

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wow, I am going through a similar situation as in there is a guy who has been behind 'my matter’ for ages now. I know he is a good man with a good heart who wants to marry me. Plus I'm a single mother which means I should jump on the opportunity. But I feel no attraction to him whatsoever. Inwardly, I fine him ugly and maybe if he was a bit handsome I could try.
    I even asked Thelma to help me ask TTB'ers what I should do and everyone recommended that we date for a while and I should watch how he treats my son. I don’t know if you guys can remember my story.
    I tried the dating stuff, but I just couldn't go on with it. Every endearing word he said to me irritated me and what broke the camel's back was the fact that he announced to the whole world that I agreed to marry him. His family members started calling me nonstop and I just couldn't take it.
    I told him the pressure was too much and I just couldn't do it.
    The month after, he changed his Whatsapp profile pic to the pic of a girl, quite pretty girl. Despite that, he asks me to marry him at least 4 times every month. I asked him what happened to the girl and he said he is not able to focus on any relationship because of me and he hasn’t promised her marriage.
    I told him I don’t love him but he doesn’t care. He keeps saying that love will come with time and he doesn’t mind. He tries to impress me with money, buying me things including a car, wanting to send airtickets for holidays, opening a bank account for me – I’ve politely refused all these things.
    I maybe a single mum but I think I still have to live and make sure I am marrying someone I am comfortable being with. In fact, my life will be over if I marry him.
    So I understand what this poster is going through. Her situation is worse because she’s accepted gifts, gotten intimate with the family and so on. But still I understand you, babe.
    I don’t know what to say to you except that marriage is a lifetime commitment. There’s no turning back. Look before you leap!

    ReplyDelete
  19. At anon 12:43pm: at least your problem is that you find him ugly. And you made it clear to him that you don't want his gifts and all.

    You shld be able to sleep well at night. Unlike the poster who has been collecting and now wants to back out.

    May God help you both to meet the "one"

    ReplyDelete
  20. At anon 12:43pm: at least your problem is that you find him ugly. And you made it clear to him that you don't want his gifts and all.

    You shld be able to sleep well at night. Unlike the poster who has been collecting and now wants to back out.

    May God help you both to meet the "one"

    ReplyDelete
  21. U re an ingrate... pls post his number for me... u berra work on ur relationship before u regret it... rada rada..

    ReplyDelete
  22. Poster,

    You need help. I think your childhood is affecting you and you need counselling.
    Otherwise how will you be in a relationship with someone for years where his family seem to adore you and you have gained so much from then say you dont love him? You should have said from the beginning that you dont love him and you dont need his help at all.
    Its not love that keeps a marriage,but then you have to at least like him enough. I think you should pray about it and seek professional counselling...you cant love someone if you have not experienced love yourself or know the meaning. Your childhood is affecting you and your very scared of all the acceptance from his family as well as his affection towards you. if you decide to leave this man,seek forgiveness from God and the man so you will have a clear conscience.
    Jckie

    ReplyDelete
  23. Dear Poster,

    i totally understand you. i was in a similar shoe. I grew up in a broken home. we too were OYO. i did not receive love so i did not know how to give one. i cant even recognize love when i see one.

    When i married my husband, i did not love him, i just liked him enough. his shower of love and concern were strange to me and like you, i never appreciated the things he was doing for me. But he was patient. Oh he was derm patient with me. He knew where i was coming from and He knew that only love, true love(just like you have now) can melt a frozen heart.

    i fell inlove with my husband after 3 years of marriage. Yes oh, 3 years. #omo na me the thing dey shak pass now#.

    My advise to you is to give love a chance. You have found a good guy. please dont loose him. Sit down and talk to him. Let him know how you feel and tell him you are ready to let to let him love you and you will work on giving the love back.

    Like my mum will say, you cant give what you dont have, my sisters are having issues in their marriages now and their husbands are complaining of the same thing. LOVE. they cant show love. Now they are miserable. Life for them now is like what we had back home. They are regretting getting married. But i told them like i will tell you now, the problem is not the man it is you.

    Even if you leave this your present guy for another guy, you are still gonna feel same way. You will be scared of commitment.

    It is time for you to let go girl. Embrace love, open your heart, allow your self to be loved, you deserve it. And above all, Pray!!

    ReplyDelete

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