Empty Prayers by Mary J Blige mirrors my sentiments this morning. What kills me the most is the time I spent on my knees praying; for us to work, for God to bless you, for the works of your hands to bring great harvest, for you to love me, for a sign; that we were meant to be, even though you yourself showed me all the signs I needed to see.
And just like Mary J said But apparently you're not what I need. I guess you walking out was God answering (me).
Still I cannot deny that it hurts, that I'm hurting, that Saturday was the exact opposite of how I'd imagined it to be, and all day long there was a lump in my throat just waiting to let loose the flood gates in my eyes. I refused to give in.
Somehow though I've been strong. You didn't walk out, but every thing you did/do says you want out so I decided to take a hint and walk away gracefully. And for this I applaud myself, you stay lurking in dark corners, on the periphery of my life, not a part of it yet refusing to fully exit it. But I thank The Lord that with (my) age comes wisdom, grace and strength. The me of the past would have waited, surely if you're lurking it must be because you still want me but, but, but (and I'd make up a thousand reasons, all in my head). But the woman I've become, though still with a tender heart that loves and loves freely, now has a stronger mind, a discerning mind.
So yes, it's hurts to the marrow, but somehow I still smile, and somehow, miraculously, happiness never departed from my heart.