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READ THIS: Why I Went From Single to Divorced in Six Months






I think I’ve dreamed about  my wedding from the time I had my first school age crush. From my dress, to my cake,  to my bridesmaids, even down to my groom. He was going to be tall, dark, handsome, and well dressed.
Two years ago my dream came true (or so I thought). We met through a mutual friend so I thought right away I had an advantage by bypassing all the serial killers and crazies out there. From what I was told about him, he was a police officer (so that at least meant he didn’t have a record), He was a good God fearing man, and was “going through” a divorce. Meaning he was still very much legally married. Yes I know… I should have ran for the door. That would have been the Godly thing to do. But I was repeatedly reassured by our mutual friends that he was for sure done and over his wife, and besides, he was everything I had prayed for.

By our 4th month of dating, his divorce was final and then one night while having dinner with friends, he proposed.  The proposal was even more beautiful than what I had always imagined it would be.
The day that we got married, he TOLD me I was going to quit my job and become a stay at home wife. I spent 8 long years in college/ law school, passed the bar exam on my first try, had just landed the job opportunity of a lifetime, and now my husband of  about 6 hours basically is telling me that all my hard work was in vein? It’s like God was telling me that I had to give up this part of my life if I wanted what I had been praying for most of my life; My husband.  I loved him so much that I was willing to do it. More importantly, I wanted to be obedient to God. After all, a good Christian wife is supposed to submit to her husband right?

On our honeymoon, he dropped another bombshell on me. He wanted to up and move over 2,000 miles away to Indiana from California. Once again, I found myself “submitting” to my husband. I remember thinking: “God, you should be so proud of me.”

And then came the never ending list of what I could and couldn’t do as his wife:
“Don’t go to the gym without me.” (this was his way of watching who I interacted with)
“Don’t delete your call log/ text messages” (this was his way of monitoring who I communicated with)
“Don’t have company while I’m not at home. (this included family- mother included)
“Keep your ‘find my iPhone’ enabled at all times.” (this was his way of tracking my every move)
“Keep the surveillance cameras on. (I couldn’t tell if they were to keep intruders out or to keep me in)

I was starting to realize that I was not dealing with a Christian man nor was I the Christian I claimed to be and this had nothing to do with submission. This man had an issue with control and it was much bigger than me. I also had an issue with control. I was trying to control everything that happened in my life even when it meant moving ahead of God. Right down to the man I chose for myself. A married man. God had nothing to do with that. I allowed my eyes to rule my heart. I got everything I wanted: tall, dark, handsome, and well dressed… but nothing I needed: Godly, Respectful, Honest, and  well rounded. Little did I know, my shallow checklist almost cost me my life.

Three weeks into our marriage, I was hanging out with my sister and a couple of her friends. Just grabbing a bite to eat. When I returned home, I was greeted with a fist to my face for being 8 minutes late, and then another one, and then another one. I remember praying to God to spare my life, because I just knew I was going to die that night. At that point I think the fact that I had disappointed God hurt more than the blows to my face.

I remember waking up in a hospital days later. I didn’t even recognize myself. Thankfully my neighbor heard my cries that night and called for help or Lord only knows what may have happened.

Sometimes I think back to that night. Mostly whenever I feel myself getting impatient and trying to rush things I should be trusting God for. God’s plan is never to harm us, but to prosper us and give us hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11


***

*"I allowed my eyes to rule my heart. I got everything I wanted: tall, dark, handsome, and well dressed… but nothing I needed: Godly, Respectful, Honest, and  well rounded."- This gave me goose pimples. Oh, how many times I've been close to making this mistake. 

*And doesn't it make you wonder about the whole concept of submission? Where should the line be drawn? How does one draw the line? As Africans/Christians it seems the idea is to willingly agree to and obey everything we're told to do by our husbands. No one ever says to stop and think about, perhaps, the intent behind his demands of you... I've always wondered about it, at what point you stop to question him and his dictates and not just unthinkingly "submit", just because you're told you're supposed to. I ask this without trying to be controversial but simply because some (men) are sociopaths. (I told y'all about the one who made his wife, immediately after the wedding, cut her hair short, abandon her jewelry, throw out all her shorts and trousers, he severed the ties with all her friends, made the beautiful young medical doctor begin to wear neon coloured church apron, carry a mega phone and spend hours walking up and down Lagos preaching, whether she believed The Word or not, and all this time he was shagging the maid...)

Another thing I found interesting to note, Nigerian wives take note, she WALKED AWAY from an abusive marriage. Her husband was an unrepentant abuser of the worst kind; both physically and emotionally. The woman is a Christian, yet this did not cloud her reasoning or judgement. She removed herself from that situation. Being a Christian does NOT preclude you from thinking and discerning with the brain that God gave you. 

And finally, I always take solace in the knowledge that God’s plan is never to harm us, but to prosper us and give us hope and a future.- Jeremiah 29:11


Good morning TTB readers!



Text Source by Maya L Ralston

Comments

  1. I totally agree with you T,being a Christian shouldn't make us foolish or a toy to anyone. Africans have taken this submission thing far. As far as am concerned, submission in Africa especially Nigeria is slavery. Morning everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybel Mabel, your thought process ehn.

      One post you are all 'miss africana' 'here in Africa' 'it doesn't happen in Africa' 'WE ARE AFRICANS'

      Now you are condemning the same 'Africa' that you guide your principles with ... #hian

      You can't eat your cake and have it oh. You better choose wisely. :p

      Delete
    2. Yes I am African and I should behave like one,but I never said I support sarcastic attitude or things that are uncalled for all because am African, do u understand?

      Delete
    3. Uyi I know right?

      Delete
  2. Good morning!! Words that matters.
    I love you longtime T.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is really 4 African women to learn from, but for where some believe when you treat them like that is love, I remember when I was a kid and I first saw dad hit mum I was really shaken meanwhile I always prayed to God I wanted a husband like my dad, prayer point changed, no one told me but I knew it was wrong and till this day no man has even insulted me tlk more of hitting me. I always remind Le boo the day he hits me is the day I walk with or without the kids. Now dad is ill and this woman he used to treat like crap is the one taking care of him, the day mum opened up to me at the hospital I nearly told her to leave the man there. Ok my story is becomin to long bye.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will rather not be in a relationship than in an abusive one..

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jeremiah 29:11...#iBelieveIt

    ReplyDelete
  6. The owner of this story is one of my definitions of a strong woman.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Until Nigerian women begin to know their worth,things like this or even worse will continue to feature in their life. Sometime ago,i was in a relationship that almost scarred me 4 life but I had to talk 2 myself & take a walk,knowing well that I was worth more than the nonsense I was going through emotionally.God help us..

    ReplyDelete
  8. Physical abuse is one thing I will not stand in my relationship. I've felt like this for a very very long time.
    Any boyfriend that even scares me with his hands raised to slap me is gone.
    I cannot and will not stay in an abusive relationship.

    "I allowed my eyes to rule my heart. I got everything I wanted: tall, dark, handsome, and well dressed… but nothing I needed: Godly, Respectful, Honest, and well rounded."

    A lot of us make this mistake and like my pastor always says, marrying a man because of his physical qualities is like buying a house because of the paint. I pray that when the time comes, I won’t let my eyes rule my heart, I will look out for the things that matter, the things I really need.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You cannot submit to a man who is not submitted to God. God is higher and anything your husband says that isn't in line with God's word, I don't think you should do it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The problem with a lot of us is we want to conform to societal standards. Another one is we believe that divorce is bigger or worse than other sins.Religion has so twisted the mentality of a lot us that we confine God to some certain laid-down standards forgetting that God is bigger than any religious book and HE still speaks.

    When you make a wrong turn, still having your life means you have an opportunity to make a u-turn and take the right turn next.

    There should be a distinctive line between submission and stupidity.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Religion has so twisted the mentality of a lot us that we confine God to some certain laid-down standards forgetting that God is bigger than any religious book and HE still speaks." uhmnnn... F, I was listening to wana wana and she talked about this married pastors whose wife walked and now he wants to remarry but the church won't let him. People called in and two people said this same thing you talked about. I'm still trying to "wrap my head around it", but it did open my eyes to see things differently.
      May we not marry the wrong person. some men are crazy. Like they have psychological problems. Looking all handsome and classy but they have deep seated issues and really need help.

      Delete
  11. Men and women in abusive/ domestic violent/ scarring relationships need help.

    It's not even about them.not knowing their worth that makes them stay. It's a lot of thoughts- time spent so far, energy to start afresh, children cum other ties, societal confrontation /side talks, fear.

    People should make conscious efforts to resist being pressured into certain circumstances - get married early, 'marry well';(looks,wealth,class,education,exposure) amidst wrong situations, lie about situations to people who genuinely care.

    Listen to your guts, your intuition, seek good counsel. Pray. Even if you don't know how to hear from God, but you pray well enough, He'd just push away the bad from you.

    ReplyDelete

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