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Soon-to-be Mrs Second Best. (What Would You Do?)

Would you marry someone you love knowing very well that there's someone else they love more than you who they would rather get married to, but can't because of a particular reason?

Let me shed more light on the above question. A close friend is engaged to someone we all know was dating and meant to get married to someone else two years ago. Because of some issues the duo (her fiancé and his ex) couldn't and cannot get married, but are still very good friends. They're good "friends" that still love each other. My friend has always known this but last night she and bae were having one of those full-disclosure tête a tête that couples sometimes have (that don't always go well), when her fiancé more or else admitted that if it hadn't been for the issues, his ex is who he would be marrying or married to.
     Now she's beginning to question the wisdom in marrying someone who so obviously loves someone else more. Worst still is that this other person (while not a threat, as she's not trying to get back together with him and acknowledges that my friend is his wife-to-be) is still and might always be a feature in their lives. 

Personally, this is my opinion and you're very free to disagree with me; I think she should go ahead with the wedding. The way I see it, most people have that one person that they would rather have gotten married to but couldn't, yet they still love their spouses and make their marriages work. 
     I've heard some married people say that they know their spouses are not "The One", or the great love of their life, but they still share love, friendship, mutual respect and they make things work. 
     I know my friend is worried that this other lady poses a threat to her marriage because they never stopped loving each other, and no woman will be happy knowing that she's second best. But I asked my friend if she would be better off not knowing that her husband feels this way. As far as I'm concerned, knowledge is power and ignorance isn't always bliss.

But what do you think? In her shoes, would you proceed with the marriage or pull out and search for someone with whom you're Number 1?  

And if you would go ahead with the wedding, how do you cope with the knowledge that your love loves someone else more, and would rather be with them, not you?

Let's talk.


  1. I like an honest guy any day anytime. Ignorance is bliss and a lot of people will prefer not to know. She should go ahead and get married. Eventually when they both start their respective families that love will be watered down.

    However she should have another discussion with the husband to be to set boundaries i.e if boundaries are crossed. Even after marriage, some still meet people that they fall in love with more than their spouse, it happens.

    When I was growing up our neighbour's wife had a guy who loved her like hell but never had the opportunity of dating her before she got married. She met the guy years later and he was still professing his undying love and joked that he will marry any of her sisters that looks like her.

    Like joke like joke he married her younger sis. So the younger sis is married to a man she knows loves her elder sis. They looked happy to me when I ran into them in a trad marriage some years back. J

  2. I would go ahead to marry the guy because for the guy to have admitted it to me,he has respect and love for me which he might not know but like anon said she should have a discussion with the guy to set boundaries and make her fears known, if the guy cares, he would definitely see reasons with her and if i were her too,i wud sit down and work out plans on how to make hubby get over her,even if not totally but 70%.

  3. Get married if you love him. Its unfortunate DAT u had to be the other girl.

    But if I'm the one, as a guy, and a girl tells me if not for one reason or the other would have married a guy dat she may have introduced to me before. I won't marry the girl oh. Especially when I can see signs that she's not totally committed to me as i am to her. No vex

    1. i'm with you on this one o Uyi!

    2. Totally with you bro. At most we'll still be great friends but the relationship/marriage plans will end biko. I can't live with someone who'll be wrapped round my arms and be dreaming of Jide. *As in how*?

    3. Spot on jarey Uyi. Being "SECOND BEST" to your spouse is the worst thing that can ever happen to one because no matter how hard u try, it's hard to set a limit/boundary on his relationship wt his "BEST"

  4. I love your reasons T but if it was me I won't go ahead with the wedding but if she loves him so much and can live with knowing she will always be the 2nd best then y now by the way evrybody's love story is different,their marriage may end up being successful and the guy will eventually learn to let go you can't just hold on to what you can't have forever but some people are that crazy thou

  5. Hmmm. We are all humans and whatever we say here are just our mere thoughts which may or may not be correct. Please let her go to God in prayers and ask if his truly her husband because being the SECOND BEST thing to your spouse is the worst thing that ever happen to anyone. Biko people saying the man may outgrow whatever he feels for his ex later on in the marriage, should stop deceiving themselves because if he is supposed to outgrow what he feels for his ex, he should have by now after two years oooo.
    T, Let your friend seek the face of God first in this issue and be certain that she has heard from God that this guy is her hubby, before she goes ahead with this marriage.

  6. You can't measure love. Or put a timeline on it. Someone told me about a couple who couldn't marry due to family issues. They moved on and married other people. The woman had six children with her husband. Then he died. That man came back and married her as his second wife. His first wife nearly suffered a nervous breakdown. He never stopped loving her. We have the capacity to love several persons. That's the complexity of the human mind.


  7. I can't decide for her, but if it happens to me I won't marry him o, Cuz it is obvious he doesn't love me enough to forget his ex..... and I believe he needs more time to heal before going into another relationship.
    I wouldn't try such, who knows the future???

  8. Absolutely not! I can't get married to a man knowing he is still in love with his ex. I won't even consider going into a relationship with that person talkless of marriage.

    If your friend decides to go ahead with that guy she should be ready to continue accepting till whenever such 'love' decides to die.

    Seriously for one's peace of mind I won't advice anyone to. Biko let the love transfer from the ex to me,I can't shout.

  9. Love is more complicated that what y'all are saying. You cant just turn it off/on at will so the fact that he's still in love with his ex isn't so terrible. however, the fact that he and the ex are still "very good friends" its very very terrible.

    How is the situation supposed to work? New girl sits beside you feeling like an outcast while y'all gist about old times? You wont be able to convince me that nothing is going on between you too.
    Plus, its not even right, neither is it healthy. How are you supposed to move on and love other people if she's still around and you refuse to let go?

    If it were me, the only condition under which i will consider moving on with you is if you stop being "very good" friends. Y'all can greet each other on the road or at the mall but no meeting up for drinks or hanging out with/without me.


  10. I doubt. I'd date the person. If I knew his true feelings, talk less of marriage.

    It's a complex issue kinda especially if the guy shows his feelings more often than not.

  11. I doubt. I'd date the person. If I knew his true feelings, talk less of marriage.

    It's a complex issue kinda especially if the guy shows his feelings more often than not.

  12. I doubt. I'd date the person. If I knew his true feelings, talk less of marriage.

    It's a complex issue kinda especially if the guy shows his feelings more often than not.

    1. Claire. . Your phone has graduated o. No more double comments, its now tripple.

    2. ROTFL. Subomi you're a character! And is that Princess Omoperosola I see? *kisses* to the little angel.


  14. I think she should go ahead because even some couples that were so much in love at the initial stage tend to fall out of love at some point.
    But i would also like to know if the man meets other qualities that a responsible husband should ?


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