The red roses didn’t mean anything to me; as a matter of fact it infuriated me! The only red I could see was the image of blood red splattered on white tiles like a white canvass. I rolled to the other side of the bed to find a huge red box wrapped ‘Be my Valentine’ I know it wasn’t his fault, but I felt like there was more he could have done. What if he took me serious earlier, What if he heard me cry? What if he didn’t say those hateful words. You have succeeded in killing your baby.
I had just found out we were having a baby; it had been a very rough year most especially with me relocating against my will to save and enjoy my marriage. Ade and I had been childhood and best friends since age 3, We went to school together from primary to university and the only time we ever stayed apart was when we had to do the one year compulsory NYSC and even then we always managed to steal get aways with each other. Then I had to go to the UK for my masters, and start my PhD afterwards and right after the first month I was away, we found it hard to cope without each other. Ademi would call me his life support jokingly.
Both families knew we were serious about each other and so it didn’t come as a surprise when Ade proposed to me that year when I came home for the Christmas break. Neither of us was keen on big celebrations so we had the marriage rites completed quietly before I returned back to school in the Uk to complete my programme.
On recommendation from a professor I got a very good job as a teaching assistant and I was so excited till Ademi burst the bubble that I would have to come back home after the programme, I expected my dear husband to see how we could make it work living separately or possibly move over since he ran his own business. Afterall he always knew I was career oriented and he supported me to enrol on the course.
With my husband’s constant whining after every phone call and skype sex, He was beginning to sound like a PhD holder _ Pull Her Down. The resentment set in and our marriage started to suffer a breakdown in communication, After advice from my Mom, I decided I would move back home as I also missed his company and love.
My husband came to the UK for my graduation ceremony, and after a proper honeymoon we flew back home together. As I tried to settle in and enjoy the company of married life with my husband. Then I realised our steamy romps in the UK left me pregnant. My husband was very excited but I was upset with myself. How could I have missed birth control? How could I have been so silly? We had agreed to wait for another year before the children come.
By the next day, I was receiving congratulatory calls and messages from my family members. Ade had told them all. I tried to be happy but I could not hide my disappointment and often times depression weighed in. At first I thought it was the pregnancy hormones, I was a full time housewife and all I wanted to do was sleep, and drink catfish pepper-soup. I lost appetiteand the weight loss was drastic. I continued to feel a sharp pain in my tummy but Ademi said I was starving myself and his baby hence the pains.
A visit to the clinic the next day revealed I had malaria and typhoid and so I was placed on antibiotics to clear it off with advise to drink lots of water. What I forgot to tell the doctor was that I was pregnant. I take the blame for that!
The midnight of the next day I started to bleed I became confused as to whether it was my period or the baby coming. Because Ademi is a deep sleeper and I am a light sleeper, we sleep in different adjoining rooms with a light in the hall way, Sometimes we stay in the same bed, but on this day unfortunately I was in my own bed.
My husband refused to wake up quickly from my cries. Or maybe my voice wasn’t loud enough as his snores deafened it all. He woke up a few minutes later after the gods must have stirred him up and he found me in a pool of my blood. The first thing he said to me through sleepy eyes was. You have succeeded in killing this baby! That was the last I remember and Iblanked out!!!
As I sat in the doctor’s hospital listening to his advice and apologising for a missed abortion, my mind was very far away. How would my husband think I killed our baby? On the ride home he kept apologising to me, I reclined my car seat and just let the tears flow. I listened to his apologies half-heartedly, the damage was done. It was my first pregnancy; No one told me antibiotics were bad for the baby. Even though I was having a hard time adjusting topregnancy I could not have killed my baby.
I let him help me out of the car and into the house, I watched him try to do everything to please me, I saw him move his work home but I ignored him. I saw him slip into my bed every night as I cried some more but I grew silent, I felt his strong arms cuddle and try to give me the comfort my mind and body refused. I watched my phones ring but I just wanted to be left alone.
Today I had decided to go out to church for evening service, It was the only place I knew how to pour out my grief and anger, and so I got dressed. I didn’t even remember it wasValentine ’s Day. Ade and I used to spoil each other with love. This one was different.
For the first time in a long time I called his name as I saw him bury his face into his computer. He looked lean and tired but he was happy that I had come out, I carried a bag and all he said was Baby, Don’t go! You are my life support, I love you and I can’t live life without you. I’m sorry for everything. I’ll do anything you want. We can try for another baby. Take me to church I said calmly.
Like an obedient child he pulled on a shirt and picked his car keys on the drive to church I saw him stealing glances at me, I came down from the car not caring if he came along. The verse that had been hanging on the doorpost all these years suddenly made sense and I burst out crying. Ecclesiastes 11v5;
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.
The next verse on the hallway leading into the congregation read Jeremiah 29v11;
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope
As I settled in to sit, I heard the pastor preach incoherently but on the screen of the projector.I saw the bible verse Psalm 34v18-19;
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but theLord delivers him out of them all.
At that point I decided it was time to go home and I realised my husband was right there beside me holding my hands, As we went outside the church with people wondering what was wrong. I started crying again, and for the first time I saw my husband cry like a baby, he shed tears on the steering and for the first time I felt like he could share in my grief and that made me feel a little better.
We got home and settled in. For the first time in a long time, I made him dinner and we ate quietly. I led and lured him to bed. His words of explanation and apology swallowed in kisses. All of a sudden I realised how much I had missed him and as I whispered to him ‘Be my Valentine’, I knew I meant it and all was forgiven. I wanted to go back to living my normal life and give Love another chance. He was my life support and I couldn’t bear to live without him, I wanted to spend eternity with him, So even as I rode him, I didn’t mind if I was riding him till rapture.