I called my friend last night. I was meant to spend the election weekend with her and the boo but I really just wanted to be with my family during the period. However when I called her at night and she began ranting seriously about some guests le boo had that were really infuriating her, I knew my night was about to get more exciting so I packed an overnight bag, hopped into the car and off I went.
Thing is, some girls are just trouble makers. They came in to the house, the guy says "Meet my girlfriend *Stephanie" and instead of just saying hello and keep it moving one of them said "Girlfriend? That's the first time we're hearing about her". Strike 1.
My friend was watching E before they came and le boo was reading the news online. The chics, noticing what she was watching instead of politely asking if they could watch something else to know what was going on with the elections turned to her boo and started to complain; "nawa o! You people don't care to know what is going on? How can someone be watching E at a time like this? Ha!!!"
Le boo, being polite to his guests ask Steph to change the channel to AIT. Strike 2.
Then one of them said "Uncle Bee we're hungry o! Abeg make I check wetin dey for kitchen" and before le boo answered she was already on her feet, headed to the kitchen, rummaged through the fridged and warmed the spaghetti my friend made. Strike 3.
At this point, my hot-headed friend couldn't take it anymore, her patience and forced hospitality were quick running out. It was then she called me and I ran over. By the time I got there my friend could no longer contain it and was already dropping acidic hints making it obvious she wanted the girls to leave. I knew if I didn't get her out of the situation there was going to be a cat fight, as it seemed the girls were actually having fun goading her on.
I made her come with me to the balcony and Uncle Bee (le boo) came to join us, to try and mollify her. My friend then started screaming at Uncle Bee, telling him that she would kill him, she would smash his head and send his remains to his children (he's a divorcee), she said she was going to organize 'boys' to "tidy his f*ck up in this Lagos". LOL.
Uncle Bee laughed and said it wasn't possible. Then said he would get his 'boys' first. I laughed at this. Understand that my friend is a natural born psycho (she once stepped out of her car in the middle of the road, jacked the man driving behind her and gave him the beating of his life, just because he was driving too close to her thereby pissing her off) but Uncle Bee is ajeburra to the core. Born into a wealthy family, he left Nigeria for Europe and the US over 20 years ago and returned just a few years back. He's a metrosexual male, very particular about grooming and has a bit of OCD. The kind of man that would hand you hand sanitizer before accepting your handshake, the kind that eats oatmeal and fruits for breakfast and fresh salad and green tea for dinner... The kind that you'd imagine would like to stay away from trouble. So I laughed and laughed; Uncle Bee, you? Boys? Story!
And then he took his phone and dialed a number and it started to ring. I thought it was a random call but then when the person answered, I knew Uncle Bee meant business. The person's voice was dry and gravelly, the type that has been made hoarse by excess smoke and alcohol.
"Who be dis?" He asked.
"Na me, Oga Bee, you no get this number?"
"Haaaaa! Oga Bee! Chairman sir! I'm loyal. Sorry I no get this number"
"Samuel, o nwe onye na kpasi m iwe" there is someone making me angry
"What do you want us to do? Should we off him?"
"Mba. Just shoot one of his legs. Or two... As you like. But don't off him"
"If he is making you angry why don't you want us to off him?"
"I have my reasons. Let us just warn him this time. Call your boys. High tension and Cable" I was stunned but when I heard High Tension I burst into laughter. "High Tension", that's so obvious, so Nollywood.
Uncle Bee quickly wrapped up the call but only after telling Samuel to hold on and await further orders before calling his boys.
Now in all of this what I have found most atrocious is that there were no questions asked. Uncle Bee, an average Nigerian citizen called a thug and told him someone had upset him, and immediately the thug was set to go and kill somebody last night, no questions asked. Wow!
Isn't that sad?
This reminds me of when someone broke my heart in one of the institutions I attended. Our relationship, although rather brief, was very popular. Everyone knew about it, including the staff. So one day, after he dumped me for a "friend" thereby publicly humiliating me, the Dean of Student Affairs called me to his office and sat me down. This is how I remember the conversation.
DSA: I heard what has been happening. I'm very sorry about it.
Me: No problem sir.
DSA: But people are very stupid you know? Does that boy know that if you want to spoil his life you can easily do it?
DSA: Especially if your mind is clean and you didn't wrong him
Me: I never wronged him
DSA: I know you didn't. That is why I want to help you. You can destroy that boy's life. Especially is you people made love and he still disappointed you.
Me: We never ..... made love (saying those words to an old man made me uncomfortable)
DSA: Are you sure? Well even if you didn't, so far he disappointed you like this, he hurt you when you did not hurt him, what do you want to happen to him?
Me: Sir? *confused*
DSA: What do you want to happen to him? Say it now, say it and it will happen (he said this forcefully)
Me: Nothing sir (I was getting very very uncomfortable).
DSA: Do you want him to die? Do you want poverty to follow him? Do you want him to be impotent? You want him never to know peace? What do you want to happen to him?
Me: (yes I was hurt but nah, it wasn't that serious). Nothing sir. It's in God's hands.
The Dean wasn't convinced but I really didn't want anything to happen. Oh well, maybe not "anything", yes, I was hurt and I wanted many bad things to happen to him. I just didn't want to be the one to do them.
But you know how it is... Have you ever been so badly hurt or double crossed by someone that you really really really just want(ed) to strike back at them for hurting you? Be it an Ex, a friend, a business associate... Sometimes people hurt us so badly that we want to do something to them to make them feel just a bit (at least) of the pain that they caused us. Has anyone ever put you in that situation? Did you go through with it?
*But in times of hurt and disappointment remember Romans 12:19*.