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Accepting Help From Hubby's Friend. Right or Wrong?





Hey guys. I was with someone recently and we got to talking about a matter. I'll paint the scenario and you'd tell me what you think. The person I spoke to is one of the parties in this scenario. 

Laura and Goke have been married for almost three years. When they were dating Laura had a good job and was earning a decent pay. Goke had a job as well but didn't make as much as Laura but he seemed to have a promising future at his workplace. Besides with their joint income, they could start a family. 

Unfortunately, almost immediately after the marriage baby came and then another pregancy when Baby was just about 9 months. This meant that Laura had to quit her job and the family had to rely on Goke's salary alone. Unfortunately Goke's career is yet to pan out as Laura had thought it would. He is a good husband and provides as best as he can but with two toddlers, things are getting very challenging. Goke naturally has a male ego, but also has a proud nature and would never let his friends know how difficult things are for them. He would never ask anybody for money regardless of how bad things get at home. He urges Laura to manage things as best as they can on his salary until his finances improve. Laura tried to start a few small business but it's proven impossible so far, her family is not in a position to help out either. 

Recently Goke's close friend visited them at home and when he was leaving he discreetly slipped an envelope to Laura. Goke saw his friend off leaving Laura alone in the living room to open the envelope, it was N60,000 (sixty thousand naira). 

Laura's immediate reaction was to return the money to this friend the next day, knowing that Goke would go apeshit if he knew what his friend had done, no matter how noble the intention. But on second thoughts, they needed supplies at home, the children had needs, they had run out of toiletries, food had become a luxury and basically they needed the money. Laura kept it. 

Now the question that arose is this; was Laura wrong for accepting the cash from her husband's friend? 

I know it's somewhat taboo to give your friend's wife money without his knowledge, although I can't say I know exactly why. A few months back, someone told me that his friend's wife called him and was complaining bitterly about her husband's philandering while he made an average salary and brought very little home. She called to complain about the cheating but she severally made mention to the lack of finances at home and how she and they kids were barely "managing". My friend who's rather bouyant and actually very generous said he immediately wanted to pay money into her account but he didn't because he knew if his friend ever found it would be very unpleasant. So instead he comforted her and told her he would talk to his friend, something they both knew would yield no result. 

Well back to the matter above, how blameworthy is Laura?

Comments

  1. Ego (both the English and Igbo meaning) have been causing family issues since forever.
    As long as she didn't ask,she has every right to spend it. The hubby doesn't need to knw.

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  2. She should show the hubby and call it baby gift from his friend.

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  3. She didn't ask so I dnt see anything wrong with it
    The husband doesn't have to know except she tells cos I dnt think the frnd will tell

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  4. Provided she dint go begging the friend for help, she should keep it and tell hubby he dashed the kids like Queen said. The friend probably saw through their situation and decided to assist in that way. Its one tin to go telling ppl your problems and asking for help, its another to just recieve freely without asking. Natin wrong in the latter

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  5. She is so wrong for collecting the money...Why did the husband's friend slip the money?why didn't he just say 'my wife take this money and buy ice cream for the kids' in the presence of the husband... A man would always have ego and pride in him...I think the friend just officially hinted the wife that he likes her....TNHW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope... I disagree.

      He probably knows the kind of person his friend is. And he knows if he does it publicly like you suggested, his friend would reject it and he won't be able to help. So I guess that's the best way he thought he could help out.

      That's not to say he might not have an ulterior motive cuz men these days... Hmnn. Afi suuru. But on the positive side, all things being equal, I don't think he did anything wrong and I think she should keep the money. I hate it when men make their family go thru unnecessary/avoidable hardship because of pride/ego. It pisses me off!

      Delete
    2. I agree with Yetunde, I don't understand why he slipped the money secretly and as for the wife hiding things from your hubby is looking for trouble. If the friend's intentions were so noble he would have given the money in the presence of the hubby

      Delete
  6. Well i dont see it like that Yetunde, jst d way some ppl are shy accepting money, same way some are shy giving it. That might jst be the friend's style and also bear in mind that the friend might obviously knw his friend has Ego bt still wanted to assist and dint want him to reject an humble gesture that he so needs because of pride.

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  7. Unnecessary Ego killing men since 1823. God won't send Angels from heaven with now. He uses man to bless man.

    Knowing the kind of man she is married to she had better let him know. If he finds out later, it may cause wahala.

    Again, if she knows the issue won't pop up. I strongly advice she keeps it to herself.

    Some men need saving even if they don't know that they do

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  8. Sb and kabouy okay oh...but what happened to a scenario where the guy calls his friend to the side and say'''guy I know say pepper no rest but manage this'''....anyways what do I know...TNHW

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    Replies
    1. Haaa Yetunde!! Na person wen dem ce get Ego naim u wan mek person tell ce i knw ce u no get money mek i dash u?? In this scenerio u gave, his Ego will act first b4 his brain o. Lol

      Delete
  9. Unless that N60,000 is the last hope as to where their next meal will come from, like they're about to loose their grip on a cliff and that 60k is the only lifeline left, then I dont think she should take the money, it aint worth it mehn. Cos it'll involve her hiding stuff from her husband, thereby, calling her integrity to question etc. Does she want to really bring in those demons into her marriage just cos of money she can probably manage without. She should return it and have peace of mind joor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not every truth a partner needs to know of. You could be doing more harm Dan good by opening up to say an unnecessary truth especially when you are not asked to.

      By the way, where are all these 'taboos' coming from?

      Although if my wife collects money from my friend without my knowledge, I don't think I will have enough EGO to protest abt it. my wife would have known dat abt me and subsequently tell me abt d money. Of which I would call my friend and thank him on her behalf. Its really not my money after all but my wife's.

      Delete
  10. Please she should return the money and tell the hubby's friend to give it to him directly, Ego or not. I have a friend like that, Ego and pride. There's a particular way to approach such men with gifts and they'll accept. These days a lot of misconstrued meanings are read when a man is generous to his friend's wife. If her Egoistic hubby finds out by chance, he's not going to take it likely AT ALL. If it were to be her close friends or maybe her own family members she can accept the gift, not hubby's friend biko.

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    Replies
    1. Spoken like a typical man. Men with their egos! The man cannot afford to cater for his family but he can still afford to have an ego? If I hear.

      Delete
    2. A man cannot be hungry,broke and still be prouding. The friend gave the wife so it is technically her money.
      Ur broke and still have the heart to reject help when u have kids involved? Hia...
      A family doesn't revolve around the man and his feelings!!

      Delete
    3. Haha. I was waiting for this kind of comment. Sorry o, men aren't the only culprits in this game. Women do this too. A typical example is my mum's BFF. 20 years ago when things were pretty rough for her family she refused any kind of help from family members and friends. The thing really annoyed my mum. There was this time my mum spent (in my presence) close to 5 hours begging this lady to accept some money from her.

      As for the lady in question, it's unfortunate that her hubby isn't just egoistic, he's also proud. We can rant all we want about the situation but the truth is her marriage is more important. Inasmuch as we all try to be perfect, sadly, no one is. Her hubby is hardworking and we're not briefed on any form of philandering or domestic violence. His pride is the only downside and if she's coping with that adequately I still insist she returns the money. Not all men are proud.

      Delete
    4. Sasha, pray VERY HARD you don't get involved with such men; hungry,broke and prouding all together. Them full market.

      Delete
    5. One message I remember from church is Never question ur miracles no matter little or big. There are folks whose generous gifts to us happens to be a life saver and they (giver) don't knw.
      I guess the prayer point just got a +1

      Delete
    6. Sadly men like the husband of the lady in question may never see this generosity as a miracle, anyhow anyone would care to explain it to him. Some mothers do have them.

      Delete
    7. Memphis please there is no need for nonsense pride here.Sasha bone is right. You can't make ends meet and you are being proud. The friend gave it to the wife because he knows the kind of friend he has and he is not a kid. He can see that things are not rosy. As for your Mum's friend, aru adiro ya. She cant take from close female friends so is it her male friends that she will take from. As much we claim women are our own worst enemies, we are equally own friends. Also Memphis today you really sounded like a very very proud Igbo man. Please know when to draw the line between being proud and being unreasonable.

      Delete
    8. Nneka try and read people's comments before you draw rash conclusions. First there's no point insinuating my mum's bff collects from male friends because you don't have any idea who she is. I can't even believe I just saw that "aru adiro ya". Secondly I made a comment based on the husband of the lady in question, and you say I sound proud? Have you noticed that miss pynk and TNHW are both married and understand the predicament of this lady, hence their similar comments? Did they sound proud? Like I told Sasha bone, you just be prayerful you don't end up with such men because they abound; broke, hungry, and prouding. Try and be smart next time you drop comments, ok? You just insulted a respectable woman.

      Delete
    9. I am sorry if I sounded rash; judged you rather harshly and I am also sorry about your Mum's friend.I didn't mean to insult her and also I didn't mean to insinuate she collects from men. Your mum meant well so I believe she should have seen thru her sincerity of purpose and accepted her helping hand. Please accept my apologies.

      Delete
  11. Its a hard call, but she should return the money for peace. Because if the husband finds out it will bring up a host of issues. Even the guy wasnt smart. He should have given the woman like n20k and said buy ice cream for the children and done it with the husband and kids present. No one is egotistic enough to return money given to their kids. At least i havent see it done.

    www.pynk360.com

    Either that or it should have been a case of hamper style dropping off of goods by the guys wife. Just lie that someone dashed them a carton of chicken, no space to keep it etc.

    there are many ways to trap and kill an animal. Just find the appropriate way under the circumstances.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. If she returns the money, I hope the couple doesn't get in deeper shit than they already are because then, the 'generous' friend may not be willing to help anymore. It is highly disrespectful for anyone to return a gift (after collecting it) which has no strings attached. Aat least in this case, no visible string is attached.

    Since she has collected it, she needs to find a way to tell her husband. The man maybe egoistic and proud but I am sure there is a way a woman can speak to her man without him bursting a vein.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  13. In my opinion, she shouldn't return the money. 1) She needs it. 2) She didn't ask for it. 3) The moment she didn't tell her hubby about the money immediately the friend left, then she shouldn't bother; it's a split second decision I mean it's best she keeps it to herself. In the face of hunger there is really no pride. Men keep carrying on as if its ego and pride that is used to feed children and run the home but it is not. He will give what he can and you won't kill him. Considering that she is married to a proud man, she should play Eeasah's style -LIPS SEALED AND WATCHING.

    ReplyDelete
  14. In the face of hunger, mothers willl always think of their kids first. That is the realistic truth. She has already taken the money she should not return it. The fact she did not tell her husband immediately, I see no reason(unless she wants trouble) to tell the husband now. Women finding ways to manage homes since 1900. Do you know some things my father has said no, that my mum has gone thru the back door to give me in Uni? She will call me at night and say" kama I ga adaba na onwuwa I soo nwoke m ga nye gi, agwakwana nna gi" (instead for you to be tempted to follow a man, I will give you, don't tell your father)and trust me, mothers have been managing homes by sidetracking men's ego. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Epistically written,succinctly put...lols.

      Delete
    2. GBAM!!! Correct woman who can carry home to the promised land...

      Delete
    3. I didnt agree at first but your comment made a lot of sense. As far as she didnt tell her hubby immediately, there's no point in telling him anymore, it'll just cause trouble.

      I can also relate to the "back door" thing. Mumsie used to do it all the time (just without the "boys" part tho). My mum will tell you its your life and if you decide to mortgage it on the altar of sex and money then thats your cup of tea. As you lay your bed, so you will lie in it.

      Delete

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