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Dear Thelma... (Help! My Fiancé Treats Me Like a Porn Star During Sex)

Hi Thelma, I am engaged to the most amazing guy in the world. We are from two different tribes but our family embraces each other completely, in fact I cannot wait to be his wife. But I have a problem that I'm wondering might be a threat to us. Don't get me wrong my fiancé is good man and I could not have asked for a nicer person. But when we have sex it is as if he is a different person. He calls me derogatory names n not only spanks me but wants me to spank his bum too, one time he even suggested that I shud spit on him durin sex but I refused and he didn't ask again. He said it turns him on. When he is about to come he calls me the B word again n again n I know he means no harm but I don't like it. I have talked to him about it but he says that it is not intentional or that he will stop but it's like he cannot help it. I discussed it with a friend n he said unless I want my fiancé to cheat on me that I should get with the program. It may not sound like a big deal but when we marry I don't knw how long I can let him treat me like a porn actress in bed. But I love this man and except during sex he is my dream husband n perfect gentleman, my family loves him too, so I don't know if it is enough to make me break us up. Please what do you think I shud do?


  1. Lols,read (not watch) 50Shades of Grey.
    Ur boo has extreme fantasies and ur gonna hv to be an active co-actor once u say I Do or he just might find another actresses solely for that purpose.
    My dear,just know this - You can't change him!

    1. Le boo must be related to Christian
      My dear...compromise is key o so u don't loose him to a mistress.

  2. Spit? Yuck what is wrong with people?

  3. LMAO. Hope he is not violent during sex, If it's only the name calling I don't think it's that bad to lose a good man. My husband and I call each other names in the house. J

  4. Hmmmm. Your man likes sex a particular way. But you're not that type of woman. If you were, you wouldn't be complaining. Reality is, he will find the woman because that is what he likes. That woman isn't you. You are not the woman he is sexually attracted to. If you can't live with it, this is the time to back out.


    1. Very true @Mallama. No need saying you love him so much if you guys are not sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility is very important in marriage too-----UGO

    2. UGO I don't understand you. Sex and love are not mutually exclusive! To say they are is to suggest that because I've not had sex with someone then I can't love them, and I disagree. I think as with so many other things in relationships, they should compromise. She already said she cannot spit and he didnt force it, but she seems to be willing to do some other things. They should discuss what can and cannot be done.
      I don't care for the excuse that he will go out there and get it, because you could satisfy a man 100% in bed and he would still decide that he wants to eat from another pot. Likewise, there are women who lay like logs of wood in bed and somehow their men stay faithful. It all boils down to principles.
      Are you and Mallama seriously suggesting that this lady lose a good man because they have different sexual preferences? Poster I really think you should compromise, he's not trying to hurt you physically or ask for a threesome, he's not even asking for anal sex! My take is talk to him, agree on some compromises, get him to see things the way you do, and you need to let go of some of your inhibitions.

    3. Hian T, u think @ d rate he is going, he isn't going 2 request for anal sex or threesomes 4rm her very soon? Niqqur's got extreme sexual fetishes and it seems he just got started. If he can request 4 all these as her fiance pere, imagine wht he'd request whn they get married. Bet he'd request 4 monkey style! LMAO

    4. If Sex and love are not one, why do people get mad if thr spouse sleeps with smone else, why won't they understand that it's just Sex and he doesn't love the other person. Oya Thelma answer.

    5. If Sex and love are not one, why do people get mad if thr spouse sleeps with smone else, why won't they understand that it's just Sex and he doesn't love the other person. Oya Thelma answer.

    6. Thelma, my friend's husband pestered her for anal sex. She obliged, believing it's a one off. But once she gave in, that was all he wanted. He goes to some websites that made her look at her husband differently. It's not about losing a good man. It's about her peace of mind. Will he be discreet in his affairs? A woman left her husband because he wanted a threesome with wife and another man. Can she handle that? You've talked about a swinging group on BBM. If he wants to swing, will she consent? She is a meat and potatoes girl. He isn't. Can she accept that? When you're not married, it's easy to say yes. She will be miserable married to a man who isn't sexually attracted to her. Moreover, she will know that he has his orishirishi sex outside. The devil is in the details. Pay attention to this. Have you not seen fantastic couples? Then you hear they've not had sex in five years. She wants to marry a man who does not have sex the same way she does. That is a big problem. He may marry her because she's the type of woman to have as a wife. But he won't be sleeping with her because she doesn't do it for him. He will have sex just to get her pregnant. Move her abroad so she will be out of his hair. He'll stay back to live his life the way he wants it. He will not compromise his sex life. Neither should you. Think hard about this. Once you get in, you won't be able to get out.


    7. Anon 9.47pm so virgins who get married don't love each other? Getting mad over your spouse sleeping with someone else isn't because of how much you love him/her. Some reasons for this (getting mad) could be jealousy or a bruised ego, neither of which is love.
      I could have a shag-buddy I have no feelings for yet get upset if I hear he's shagging someone else.
      I'll use myself as an example, there's someone who loves me to pieces but ain't ever seen the Colour of my panties, he isn't even trying to. How do I know he loves me? Acts of service, kindness, sacrifice, patience even when I push him to the wall, friendship, loyalty, attention, affection, his presence when I need it, no matter how inconvenient. That's love. Sex is entirely different darling.
      Just so you know, two people can hate each other an still have great sex with each other. Please don't ever confuse those two things; sex and love.

    8. Poster Mallama is married and therefore has more experience than I do in this regard, so I would advice you to take her advice over mine. BUT personally I don't think its so big an issue to cancel an engagement. I still think talking and reaching a compromise is a great idea.

    9. @Thelma, of course sex doesn't equal love, but many times when we are in love, sexual relations becomes one of the utmost form of expression of that love because it gives us the intimacy needed for that relationship to thrive. This is why I concurred with @Mallama. Lack of sexual compatibility always causes patches or even break down of any relationship, no need we not acknowledging this fact.----------UGO

    10. From all I see, if you can't deal and understand he's someone who loves you and likewise you love him too. Then you are not ready to live in a marriage. He loves a particular way of having sex, get use to it or atleast come to a compromise without giving a vibe of you being selfish cos it seems as though u just want to have your way In the sex.

      It doesn't work that way. Marriage is about mutual understanding and compromises. You don't eat Ur cake and have it pleaae

    11. Wisely said Ugo.

      Like the comments above have rightly said, the ability to reach a satisfying compromise should determine if your relationship crystallizes into a marriage union. Seeing as sexual relations is a complex issue for relationships, trusting his words (which is all you've got) would determine on your assessment of his level of discipline, understanding, maturity and other relevant values. This is because he can give his word and later renege on his commitment.

  5. This one na gobe
    If you say I do you will have to live with it

  6. I like spanking, LOL! I make my husband do it's all part of the spice *winks*-------UGO

  7. Haa, so na jes fiance u dey give full wifey duties like this and even more? Just negodu!

    Seems like yo man is a porn addict. I can't shout!

    1. EASAH these your appearing and disappearing acts...

    2. Hi T, situations beyond my control are d 'causer'. But I'm glad 2 b here as always. Let d ball continue rolling..

  8. We keep hearing he ll get it outside, he ll get it outside, kilode! Dats absolute nonsense, anybody can get it anywhere if dey so desire wether they are satisfied or not,Poster pls u could reach a certain degree of compromise so as to make it part of the rship instead of the kinda compromise that ll make ur heart skip wen u think of sex. U get my point? #in Tayo's voice jor

  9. I just wonder the other things he would ask of you when you become man and wife. You say u love him, but do not like his love making, yet you want to go ahead with d wedding. Girl, d ones he does with u now is just the periphery, I bet you that dude is gonna ask for deeper things when u are finally married.
    Please ask yourself if you'll be able to contain 'his extreme form of love making for ever o'. Cus even wen some women totally whore it on dr matrimonial bed with their hubby, hubby still goes out to test ewedu and nsala soup, talk less of the woman who's not ready to satisfy all his sexual cases like this either hubby will need the strongest deliverance team or him go definitely chop all kind of soup available to satisfy his cravings.
    I will pray for u as u embark on this journey of marital bliss.

    1. Are u serious?

      Oya poster, go and break up with your future husband cos that's wat ejoec said.

    2. Dude, did u hear me say she should go and break up with him? All I said was dat the guy might just be showing a bit of his extremes, so if she knows she can contain the ones for now, fine, cus I bet u there are more to come. She can take the bull by the horn by sitting him down for the proper sex talk. She should try to find out what other extremes he's got. Nobody is advising her to dump him now.
      I just laid out what may happen when she's married to him.
      Maybe you should take time to read people's comment very well.

    3. "in cases like this either hubby will need the strongest deliverance team or him go definitely chop all kind of soup available to satisfy his cravings."

      I'm sure you meant she should get married to a cheat... Now I understand. My bad

    4. Sarcasm.....tooooo bitter.....cant contain.
      Dude take a Chill Pill.

  10. I disagree with people that said he'll ask for things worse than the present when they get married. We actually cannot tell. Babe, a man cheats cos of his principles and morals not because of what you do or do not do in bed. Sit down and talk to him about this and please meet him half way. If he is a good man like you said then you have no reason to fear that he'll go outside bcos you cannot "spit" on him. I'm sure you've heard that saying that everyman wants a lady outside the house and a whore in the bedroom. So keep an open mind but let him know where you draw the line on being his whore.

    BTW: some men hide these traits and go outside to get their freak on. To me it's a plus he didn't hide this from her and i'll like to give him the benefit of doubt, If he could compromise in spitting, he could compromise in other quarters.

    1. Your last paragraph is spot on. So many Nigerian men are perverts but only the mistresses know. Mrs wife busy thinking she is married to a saint. I laff in Latin.

    2. ... a man cheats cos of his principles and morals ... very rightly said. I'm awed with your comment.

  11. Please pray about this man before you marry him, he might need to acknowledge and be exorcised/cleaned from some bad habits before you marry him. Listen to Mallama as a married woman, I agree 100% with her.

  12. Lool, the picture and caption of this post is funny, man and woman issue no dey get end? am just here for the comments.

  13. You feel this way just because he calls you the B word while having sex? Ha! You really need to read and re-read Mallama's comments. I agree that it's a plus for you that he's seeking satisfaction of his sexual fantasies from you instead of having a 'hot pant' side chick but if you are opposed to the spitting and name-calling (which I agree with Thelma that they are harmless), how would you cope with 'bigger things' when they come (yes, I believe bigger demands will come)?

    I think you need to loosen up a bit to pleasantly accommodate some of these fantasies while you discuss the (expected) really gross ones (anal sex etc) which may come up later. Discuss with him, reach some compromise and draw the lines where necessary but do not be rigid. Otherwise, you may have to let him go as there are two principal category of reasons for marriage breakups - financial and sexual.

    Other responsibilities can be outsourced in marriage but not the sexual one. Once the sexual responsibility is intentionally or unintentionally outsourced, there could be plenty wahala which would follow. Wish you all the best.


  14. Dear poster, if you were married, I would have suggested that you give in to his needs because love is all about sacrifice. It means making the other person happy before yourself. If he has same mindset about love, both of you will meet each other half way and this issue would be resolved but since you're not married, I suggest that you flee fornication. if you first love the Lord that's the first step. 1 cor 6:18 #My2cent

  15. I've never understood the idea of spanking. I mean don't you feel pain when he/she slaps your a**? (question for those that like/love to be spanked).

    To the matter, poster, don't break off your engagement yet, have a heart to heart talk with him, no holds barred. Am sure you both will get to a compromise besides you trying to make him have sex with you your own way, try his way and you may just find your Anastasia (50 shades of grey) spirit.


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