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Married Blog Visitor Pours Her Heart Out.





My husband and I have been married 5years. We have two kids and basically, a good marriage. But in the last three years he has decided it's okay to stay out till 1am to 3am in the morning. At first I tried to wait up for him especially when he came up with reasonable excuses I bought the excuses on several occasions, and of course I  was exhausted the next day after hours of worrying and waiting. However, it has come to my notice that he just simply stays out late just because he wants to and noting else. I find it totally irresponsible that a married man (even single) should stay out late drinking. For pete's sake, he isn't working at that time or trying to make money. Just basically sitting down with a bunch of guys talking about.... beats me.. I don't know.

Now I am not against the idea of hanging out, I think it's important to do so with friends often, especially with decent ones. However the issue of staying out late till morning is what gets me so mad. I don't believe anything good comes out of this so called hang out and I think it's "a distater that's waiting to happen, sooner or later" 


I have expressed this severally and even got pushed one time for it, a character flaw associated with drinking and one of the disasters that could happen, as a matter of fact i almost walked out of the marriage , and I sure would have but for the sake of second chances and the kids.

My question is: am I justified to be angry with him for not coming home sooner.
Important points to consider: 
3. He doesn't gamble.
4. I trust him...we have both been faithful during our whole relationship.
5. He doesn't do drugs. He just drinks then isn't ready to end his fun.
6. Some months he may do this a few times too many, while others not at all. It's random, (But more than I like)
7. He's incredibly helpful around the house and with the kids. He is a good father
8. This going out thing and drinking is pretty much his one main fault.

My problems with it:
1. I don't sleep well because I'm worried about him. (I have two children, I don't need to worry about a third)
2. I think because I don't like it and he knows that he is being disrepectful to me by doing it anyway.
3. It sends a bad message to people who see him out that late who know us, especially when family and friend are around, and I keep having to answer the question "is this how he stays out late"???
4. Who's to say because I trust him now I will always be able to trust him. Being out in the drinking/dancing scene is an accident waiting to happen. Only prostitutes and women of easy virtue spend such unholy hours, except for a few who are with thier SO/hubby. Besides no lady wants to delibartely stay up all night if she can help it.
5. I just feel it's time for him to grow up.



After the unfortunate incident that almost made me walk out of the marriage, I have resolved not to be bothered for the sake of my own sanity, however, if this marriage is going to last, I don't think I want to condone this kind of shit. For Christ's sake, what kind of example is he setting for his kids.

what's your take guys ?

Comments

  1. Anonymous Rider!12:41 pm, April 13, 2015

    Mam, So sorry you have to go through this.
    I don't know how you are approaching the issue with him, but you sound soft and warm which is a good thing because Men have Ego and refuse to be confronted.
    I wont say pray for him, Pray for yourself right now for God to help you overlook this phase if not you will run Mad. Good thing is you still trust him.
    Men like small craze, you are too caring jooo. Focus on being the good example for your kids right now, dont nag him, Buy Cen pain night and sleep well, Dont wait up for him, Dont lock him out, As hard as it may seem do your own for the sake of your sanity, You are more bothered about what people will think. Carry your nose and face up. Dont bother reporting him to friends or his family. He wont listen and dont be cold. And dont have the mindset or threaten him about leaving the marriage. Stay there and dont give room for nonsense.
    Say this Declaration Morning and Night... Afam is my husband, God helps him to be responsible and cause a total separation from him and every Lot in his life. As chickens go into shelter at dark. Afam must come home..... Or whatever you want to add and subtract.




    ~#My Opinion. No be Law!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My question is: if He comes home between 1-3am. How much sleep does he get before Work? What time does he go to work?

      Back to the matter, Madam I Love how U explained ur problems, U are so calm & sound humble... A good wife is hard to find but that's what U obviously are!
      See how she just explained the good & bad simultaneously! #PlentyHugs for that.

      I think the Advice of Anonymous Rider is on point. FOCUS on U & The kids as long as that incident that almost made U leave the marriage doesn't repeat itself. At the rate he's going, cheating will soon come in & if u keep worrying, na psychiatric home get ur future!
      He's Ur husband NOT ur kid. So let him do as he please. Just find a Way to be Happy! ONLY YOU can make U happy!

      I wish U Joy, Peace & happiness!!!

      Delete
  2. From all you've said, dear Poster, apart from this depressing development from your DH, it stands to reason that your husband is considerably decent. What I'll advise is you don't be hasty in judgments that'll make you leave your marriage. A man who is (as you described) every woman's dream husband, keeps really late nights for no apparent reason than to "Hang out"? No clubbing, no partying, no side-chics...just drinking and hanging out? Hmm..this is complex.

    There's definitely a litany of reasons this has degenerated to this level. The most possible reason for this may be You. Why I'm rooting on this is because you used the words "grow up" and talked about walking away, then staying because of the kids(?) You already sound extremely frustrated by a solvable issue and already nursing the idea of leaving a man you (claim to) love because of this single flaw. Search yourself and see if your flaws affect your home and affect him. Perhaps he's trying to avoid you for reasons which he's afraid to tell you.
    - Are you accommodating?
    - Do you guys communicate adequately or you talk more and he listens?(because that listening part could also mean a man who has given up in expressing himself in a conversation whereby his wife feels she's mostly right)
    - Do you complain more often than he does on issues?

    In summary, do you nag without even knowing it? Dear Poster, just take time and examine yourself, and if you can't find any possible flaw that obviously chases your husband away then sit him down and allow him pour out his issues. I'm not insinuating you're the problem, but it's a possibility. No decent man keeps constant late nights for no reason than to just HANG OUT. Stay blessed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Advice toh badt my broda! Its strange, so strange dat sm1 who doesn't drink stays out late! u might be the reason seeing that he is a good man, I have the feeling ther z smthng u re not saying.

      Delete
    2. He does drink

      Delete
  3. There may just be a reason for the occasional late nights which you may not think of in your wildest imagination. I suggest you try and find out what this reason is and address it promptly.

    If however, following your findings the reason is simply because he just wants to hang-out, then I'll suggest you go with Anonymous Rider's comment above. The only addition is please let his folks know about this habit so you are protected should something happen to him (God forbid).

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  4. Focus on your self and your kids and do not be confrontational about it. He will get tired of it eventually.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thought about u a few days ago,was going to visit your blog today but didnt get around to it. Welcome back.

      Delete
    2. Thanks alot sunshine. Was busy birthing my son :-)I'm glad to be back.

      Delete
    3. Congrats dear for safe delivery

      Delete
    4. Anonymous Rider!10:06 am, April 14, 2015

      Congrats on the new baby. God keep him. Enjoy Motherhood!

      Delete
    5. Awww.. Congrats on the birth of your baby boy. He will grow in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

      Delete
    6. Congrats, dear. God bless you and yours.

      Dear poster, you've gotten wonderful advice here. I pray God gives you strength and wisdom to act it.

      Delete
    7. Congrats, dear. God bless you and yours.

      Dear poster, you've gotten wonderful advice here. I pray God gives you strength and wisdom to act it.

      Delete
    8. Congratulations!!!!May God bless him and you too.

      Delete
    9. Congrats on the birth of your baby boy. May his life always cause smiles for you today and always

      Delete
  5. I would suggest counselling with a neutral and respected figure for you guys,maybe he doesn't fully realise the effect his actions are having on you and the family in general,he is supposed to be the protector of the family and not risking his safety at night cos there is no way you won't be worried. My 2cents

    ReplyDelete
  6. Perhaps he is a cultist, or a seasonal armed robber. That may explain his late night paroles. Marriage sha!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Who is this one? Where you from? Dear poster,ignore this person please,I repeat,ignore before you give yourself heart attack!! Some people though

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you literary had me rolling on the floor laughing,i totally agree with you,Dear poster ignore that comment.

      Delete
  8. I'd give some suggestions which some might be conflicting but I believe you'd be able to utilize the many advices in the right mix.

    1) Very hard to to do but sometimes an apt move is to feign indifference and keep calm. This is often needed for your sanity and overall wellbeing. Ensure you do your wifely duties and motherly duties and whenever he comes home, don't nag him for coming late. He might just come to his senses seeing as you seem unconcerned about his pasttime.

    2) Get close to the people he hangs out with. If they keep him company for hours, they exert an influence on him, his thought and actions. You want to ensure that within perceived limits, they do not influence him to do stuff detrimental to your union and marriage.

    3) Find his accountability partner or his authority figure. Some men have someperson whose words they respect and give a listening ear to. If this worrying development is getting out of hand, it might be time to introduce the authority figure into the mix.

    4) Since he helps out with house matters and the kids, it means he takes an interest to those matters. Try to devise a method that would ensure that the activities he likes/loves falls within evening times (times when he'd likely want to hang out).

    5) Call during the day to tell him you miss him and whet his appetite about the meal you intend to cook for him and also how awesome the sex after would be.

    6) If you all are Christians, pray to God about you, your husband and the kids. I think God takes a liking to a praying wife and mother. Go further and fix daily bible study in the evening and ensure he has a pivotal role in the bible study.

    7) Memphis made a good comment which I'd advise you look into. Strive to be the best wife possible and do not cut the communication lines - keep it open, freely flowing and honest.

    God that brought you this far is more than capable to see your family triumph over this fleeting undesirable phase.

    Cheers

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so happy and encouraged at the show of love and support, even from unmarried guys and ladies. God bless you.

    @ Uyi, trust me when I say I'm not perfect, but oi am sure I ain't doing noting wrong cos I have asked him. We exchange gifts a lot, even when there is no occasion, I try my best and do my bit and he does same, except for the aforementioned issue @ hand.


    @ Ruthy: I have stopped talking about the issue as I see it's not making any sense and trying to have peace.

    I recently asked him to go and open a trust fund for his kids if he wants to keep playing God with his. Life.
    Talking about this has helped because I have been so upset and I don't want to involve 3rd parties.

    I feel better. Thanks guys and thanks to Nwando for posting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. U are always welcome Hon. #PlentyBearHugs
      Always!!! We gat U.

      Delete
  10. LOL your hubby is cheating and youre in denial...sad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous Rider!4:34 pm, April 14, 2015

      Kiloruko e, Elenu gboro.

      Delete
  11. Why don't u find out the friends he hangs with and get to know the wife/gf of the friends. Maybe u can knw wht goes down thru her???

    ReplyDelete

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