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Once a Rat, Always a Rat?

So you've been dating Arnold for almost two years and it's been your best relationship yet. Arnold is in no way perfect but he has been the best boyfriend and friend to you. He's kind, attentive, generous, caring, faithful and a great lover. The only issues you've had with him is that he's sometimes forgetful and a bit laid back. Nothing for you to worry about. Arnold proposes and you happily say yes, who wouldn't want to spend the rest of her life with this amazing man? Well Mercy wouldn't. 

Your meeting with Mercy is purely random; your boss sends you to represent her at a meeting and Mercy is the representative of the other company. At the end of the meeting she looks at your watch and tells you she loves it; "I used to have something similar but not anymore. My ex bought it for me, threw it out when we broke up", she shares with you in a 'girl talk' moment, laughing easily. "Coincidentally my boyfriend bought me this too. But unlike you I wouldn't throw it away if we break up. Girl, I'll keep all the gifts I got, I deserve them... Well, not like we're going to break up, we're engaged", you can't help blushing as you share this detail with this new acquaintance. "Wow! Congrats girl! Are you getting married in Lagos? My sister is an amazing wedding planner, she would hook you up real good and her prices are very fair" she says. You give it some thought and wonder if Arnold would buy the idea of a wedding planner, "I would have to ask Arnold what he thinks...", you mutter, more to yourself than to her. "Wait! Did you just say Arnold? Arnold Dan?". 

Yes, it is Arnold Dan.

A few minutes later you're staring at Mercy with disbelief and animosity, what is she talking about? Arnold was a chronic cheat? Arnold used to beat her up? Arnold was abusive? It started with mild jealousy which was harmless and rather flattering, until it wasn't. He took it up a notch, jealousy and then control. Control and then the verbal and emotional abuse; she shouldn't complain about his infidelity, after all he was doing her a favour by dating her, no other man would want her so she had best be grateful to him for 'managing' her. Emotional and verbal abuse till the day he felt his words had lost their sting so he had to use his belt on her bare back, maybe then she would feel the pain. She took to her heels but he followed closely behind, crying, pleading, promising, begging, threatening. And she kept going back. Until she woke up in the hospital one morning and had lost a tooth. "Yes dear, this gold tooth isn't for fancy, Arnold knocked out my tooth and I had to get this". And then she knew she had to leave for good this time. Besides her parents threatened to cut her off if she ever went back.

Noooooo, you keep thinking as you drive back to the office. No, surely Mercy is a jealous Ex who can't handle the fact that Arnold didn't think she was good enough to be a wife. The rest of the day is a blur and once the clock strikes 5 you drive straight to Arnold's. He's surprised, albeit pleasantly, to see you at his door step.

"Something funny happened today. I met someone that said she once dated you. Mercy Oka?"

The look on Arnold's face confirms your worst fears. He doesn't deny it either. 

"I am completely ashamed of myself, I don't know what possessed me back then but I swear I'm not that man anymore. I didn't know any better but now I do. I am not proud of the man I used to be, baby please believe me. Have I ever given you any reason to think of me that way? Have I ever cheated on you or as much as raised my voice at you?" You think about it, he never has. Still you're speechless. "Babe please don't punish me for my past failings, I am a changed man now. I am". 

How do you proceed?

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. I'm not necessarily asking from a domestic violence angle, more from a character (flaw) angle. And I'm not asking about men alone. 

Succinctly put, my question is do people change? Is once a cheat alway a cheat? Is once an abuser always an abuser? Is once a hoe always a hoe? 

Personally I feel that the only time people change is when some intrinsic part of them changes; faith and spirituality specifically. Other than that I believe that people do not change. 

But that's my opinion. What's yours? And how would you proceed if you're the lady in the story above?

Queen Spicey I'm very sorry to read about the robbery incident. I hope you're not feeling so down anymore. Joy comes in the morning my darling so smile, they took material things that would eventually be replaced, but the curses they've incurred to their heads wouldn't be so easily erased. Forget about them and stay thankful, ok? Ehugsss sweetie. 

Vivadrew your comment also got me thinking but I'm very impressed by your attitude towards things. Just continue to tell the situation that it will end in praise. 


  1. I dnt think people change and for those that change it takes the grace of God

  2. LOL Thelma you like to write sha. I enjoyed the story and I love how you told it in the second person. IF I'm in her shoes I will seek God's face, because if he never gave her a reason to suspect in two years then maybe he has really changed, but I will marry only if God says so.

  3. No man or woman is perfect, we've all had our flaws 'buried' in the past so we can decide to look through the situation from that angle. If your conviction to love him has never been Compromised before don't do any thing you might end up regretting.

  4. Yh people change.
    Sometimes the people we date cld bring out the best or worst in us.
    Some people don't even knw that their partner is changing them either into an angel or a beast until someone points that out or until a breakup.

    I have this friend who's supposed to get married some weeks back. He's the easy going type till he met his fiancee. He engages her so quickly that their dating period became their courting. He's not been in much r/ships so being with this one got him "excited". According to him,"she puts me on my toes" and that's what he liked. Fast forward months later,all those excitements became pressure. He was getting stressed out but he endured till a day to their trad when the last straw broke the camels head and he slapped her.
    To anyone who cares to listen to her story,its DV but to anyone who listens to his,its a case of dodging a bullet cos the wedding was obviously called off. This guy has health issues that getting angry and reacting to the anger is a luxury he can't afford. Now,shld his next judge him by the story of his ex??

    My point is people change depending on the personality of who they are with.

    1. I couldn't agree more with your last line.

      Had a guy who wanted to date me and all but realised if I was gonna be with him,I won't have peace.I'd be a nag. I'd be a bitter person.

      Just two days after we met,he called but I was indisposed at the time. Before I could grab my phone to send a text to him,his call came in..come (see)hear shout!! I was honestly wondering if he was talking to me cos even if I intentionally refused taking his call,the shout was so unnecessary followed with other things,the way he reasons and sees things,sometimes,I have to break things down like I'm talking to a 2yr old child for him to understand,super proud,never ever says sorry,..only him o(I do have my flaws but..)..told him off just after a week cos he sure was sent from hell to bring out the worst in me.

      I sure would change if I had stayed a moment longer or even thought to date him.

  5. People change but only if they want to. From the domestic violence angle, I won't stick around to watch him change. I will take to my heels o. I love my face too much.

  6. People change only if they really want to. It takes only the grace of God and no one else to change them.

  7. People really change T. For me,change is a decision. Make that decision to change and work towards it..

  8. People do change. At least I know I used to be impatient, I prayed about it and I am reaping thhe rewards now.

    The girl in the post above needs to pray, it's such a dicey situation, the guy may have truly changed or he could just be in hibernation mode (lol)

    She should pray about it, or take it as. A sign from God that meeting the ex was a sign.

    I don't envy her at all.

  9. Anonymous Rider!9:55 am, April 22, 2015

    I used to be very Unforgiving and Bitter, I could keep malice for Africa, Iceland and the Mediterraneans. Chai~
    Now Nothing I mean Nothing is Unforgiveable. I may be hurt but I Pray, Release and LET IT GO!!!

  10. People change, whether for good or bad, it's still classified as change. I don't think I would let go of the relationship because of what someone said about his past. The fact that he did not deny it or put the blame on his ex is a sign that he must have really changed. Besides, you stated that you haven't seen any of such traits she mentioned in him so I think you should let it go n move on with him.Bible says in matt 5:48, "Be ye perfect as your heavenly father is perfect". He might just be adhering to that scripture by dropping his bad habits #My2cent

  11. Yes people change, its usually a personal choice though. For the beatings...I dont support that and also how long ago did that happen. I suggest she ask questions from maybe close people who knew about the incident so she gets clarity on the matter. She should pray also.....#JoyDaNuGirl

  12. Also to add to what I said earlier, I don't believe in that statement "once a rat always a rat" no matter the context it's been used. If anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creation(2 cor 5:17). Christ does not hold any record of any wrong that person ever did. I think we as humans need to copy this. The bible is our instruction manual so we should look into it before taking any action or making decisions.

  13. Thanks Thelms, I feel a whole lot better today than yesterday.

  14. People change. However change is a choice. If we were all judged on things we have done in the past, many of us would fall short.

  15. I know for sure that you can't change any one but you could be the reason why someone change, that being said since in the two years of dating he didn't do any of those things , she should give him the benefit of doubt and go ahead in the relationship


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Just checking in to sign the register. Lol. It's been a very busy week and it looks like it might be an even busier weekend. I was hoping to get some writing done when I got to the airport yesterday but I even almost missed my flight. It was hopeless trying to do any work on the plane as it was bumpy af, and this toddler behind me wouldn't stop screaming in piercing shrieks like he was being exorcised. 
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