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TTB Readers, RE: My Overly Demanding Mother.





Thelma please can we discuss mothers that make excess demand from their children. Right from my uni day mumsi started demanding and she didn't care how the money came. It started from recharge cards and small moey to sew cloth. Then she will complain about not having enough for my younger ones. I helped out with their pocket money occasionally. I had to look after myself too. Besides school fees daddy didn't do anything else so I had to provide for myself and this meant pay for books, hostel accomodation, food, and transport and ofcos buy clothes. I dated two married men back then to take care of myself n my siblings but after school I stoppd dat and I told my siblings dat they were on their own, they too already were in Uni so at least they had become adults. The problem is my mummy's demand never ends. She doesn't have money but she wants to wear designer clothes, she wants to use expensive phones even when she does not know how to operate them, she wants to keep up with her rich friends. My job does not pay much but I still had to buy her a blackberry Z10 last month because she saw her friend using it, she refuses to travel by road if her friends are going by air. This morning she called me and asked for money for facials. Do you know that she does not know what facials is. I asked her what is facials and she said that her friend said she went for facials in lekki, I should find out where they do the facials in lekki and send her money to pay for it and for transport. I don't give her everything that she asks every time but I do most times bec I love my mother so much, we are very close and she is very sweet to us but her demands are too much and she does not even ask where I get the money from. My dad is late and my siblings are boys so I don't have anybody in my family to complain too. I am afraid that when I get married she will start demanding from my husband bec she has already started hinting that i must marry a rich man or I must marry a generous man. I feel like I am the only person she has so I don't want to let her down but how do people handle mothers like mine?

-Anon 

Comments

  1. Cut her off quickly. She will destroy you. A mother that doesnt care where the money comes from? What you need to figure out is what her neccessities are for the month and put her on an allowance. Either first of the month or last day off the month, then warn your siblings and shut down emotionally. Only give what you can, your own life is ahead of you to live.

    I found out i used to give my mom a lot of money randomly when i had it, even when she never asked for it. And i did it more out of guilt. In the last 7 or so years i set a %of my earnings - usually 10% and give it to her on a monthly basis. I know what her expenses and what my father will willingly pay for also. I give her the money so i dont get the random i need credit calls.

    We love our parents, while we are glad they brought us to earth, we didn't ask them to. Our lives do not exist for their sole purposes. Set boundaries, and make sure you stand your ground. She will adjust after a few months of seeing that you are not budging. As for marriage, let your spouse know that money to your mother must be channelled from you, that way you can manage that situation properly before she wrecks your marriage over spurious demands.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot to also add, my mother has never asked me for a dime above what i give her. She also never worries me when i forget to put the money in. And irrespective of where she is, she calls me to tell me thank you she has gotten her alert.

      Setting boundaries work

      www.pynk360.com

      Delete
    2. Anonymous Rider!5:27 pm, April 08, 2015

      I'm nicer than miss pynk. Apt!!! 100 likes for your comment.

      Delete
    3. Aside from the 'cut her off quickly'. You made absolute sense in all you have said. That's just the right way to go...

      Delete
  2. Anonymous Rider!4:35 pm, April 08, 2015

    This one na real gobe, Ayakata!
    Honest communication with your mom is the first thing, it probably will not go down well with her but you must still speak some sense into her. If not you will face unecessary pressure when you do get married as envisaged.
    i would like to think that she has a group of friends who are influencing her and she is feeling pressured into being in the same league as them, while they may have rich husbands financing this extravagant life she has to remember that she is a widow. Have a honest conversation with her and encourage her, I think she is also bored, get her to join a busy department in church. Tell her that she is pushing you into prostituting without saying it. If she doesnt bulge. Brief your brothers and Call a meeting. In the meantime Pray for her and screen her demands, Only provide what is necessary.
    All the Best!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow! You have just summed everything up. Don't encourage your mum by giving in to her demands. Pay her a fixed amount every month like miss Pynk suggested and nothn more. It is good you curb it now before you marry,cos if she continues her demand spree your husband will not have any regard for her and it will pain you. J

    ReplyDelete
  4. Talk to her. Make her understand your situation. If possible, your siblings should also be present. Let everyone know what you can and can't offer. As Pynk said, give her a monthly allowance. Be sure it's convenient for you to also save from your salary. When marriage comes, explain to hubby that you have to be aware of all financial dealings with your family.

    As much as you love your mother, her demands are not considerate. You'll get pressured into doing all sorts to please her as she's been pressured by her friends or covetousness. Be guided. Life Na jeje.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You have to stand your ground. there is nothing wrong in spoiling her once in a pink moon but do not over work yourself trying to accommodate her excesses.It's obvious she has your mumu button and she is pressing it like a door bell.it wont be easy for you seeing that you have a soft spot for her but do not turn yourself into mother christmas that has to borrow a gift bag on christmas day.
    It's not easy now that you are single and it will get worse once you get married cos then she will obtain from you and hubby; and you know how men can so use your family matter to throw daggers at you during those small fights.(God forbid it ever happens sef.)
    So for now,I will advice you Curb her excesses and only entertain her NEEDS.

    #make I run before your mummy will flog me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Funny your mum is experiencing peer pressure at old age. This might be because she probably did not av the luxury of doing these things at a younger age because she was birthing you kids and doing all mummy and wife tins. She is suddenly feeling left out and now she wants to get some groove on. Be that as it may, she sees you kids as her ticket to a new and fun world. However i think she is overdoing it not considering how it bothers you. Please do what you can do and dont kill yourself or go out of ur way in a wrong way just to satisfy her. But in all u do concerning her on this issue do it with love so some day u dont sit back and regret "i wish i did this or that for my mum". My mum finds it difficult to operate simple nokia phones but she asked for an ipad 3. And i gave her which she uses only to snap pictures. If it makes her happy and i can afford it, sure! Why not! But if i cant afford i tell her with love to hold on until i can.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great suggestions... poster try them out...

    I've learnt a few new things too.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes great suggestions, communicate and place her on a Certain %age especially since she doesn't even care abt the source of the income (which is making me raise eyebrow), she ll understand it doesn't make u love her less.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Really good suggestions...Try all of them

    ReplyDelete

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