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Take Your Apology, Roll It Up In a Wad and Shove It Up Your Bahind!





Some days ago I woke up to a text from someone apologizing for something or the other. She actually took the time to explain and apologize. Very eloquent text but the minute I dropped my phone I forgot all about it. I had no intentions of replying her or even giving the apology any thought.
In my mind I shrugged my shoulders and kept my thoughts moving. Then it occurred to me that I was doing the exact same thing I'd pointed fingers at people for doing. I have apologized to you, deeply and sincerely. Why isn't that enough? What else can I do? Why wouldn't you forgive me? I have apologized damn it! WHY wouldn't you freaking forgive me?!!!

But do apologies really entitle us to forgiveness?

I remember years ago when that Susan Peters-Linda Ikeji incident happened. The details are blurry but from what I remember Linda posted that rather embarassing picture of Susan on her blog. Although Linda didn't say much, she didn't need to, the picture was enough. And then the gbo gbo bigs gals written in a playful and innocent tone, obviously wasn't. The post generated hundreds of comments, at a time when posts on Linda's blog had a hundred comments at most. People hurled mud, insults, mockery, ridicule and shade at Susan and I was even one of those that felt disdain towards her. 
      Next thing we know, a day or two later, Linda goes and sends Susan a dm (direct message) on Twitter, apologizing to her. Of course Susan did not accept that apology and in fact munched it and publicized it. People called her names for being difficult and saying Linda shouldn't even have apologized in the first place. 
     .... Maybe Linda should or shouldn't have. But since she chose to, just why on earth should Susan accept that apology? On this, I sided with Susan Peters. You can't publicly humiliate someone on such a huge platform and then privately send them a tiny message which only they would see. So, no, while others might say "...but she's sorry, she's remorseful", I say "Nah, stuff your apology"


Just like when my former boss embarrassed and humiliated me silly before a mammoth crowd, then a few minutes later sent me a text saying "my dear, I'm so very sorry", I said "Nah, stuff your apology". Well errrr, not in those words but he got the message and did the right thing. 


Similarly, when weeks ago Ride or Die friend of Tonto Dike; Swanky Jerry, voluntarily got into the Tonto-Toyin mud fight and threw shade at Toyin Lawani and Lord Trigg...


then came less than 24 hours later to apologize to "everybody" he has hurt bla bla bla, my thoughts were "Nah, Nope. Keep it moving". 


And then this morning I see Uti's very humble and heartfelt apology to Jim Iyke and while I applaud him for being so humble and unabashed in his apology, I'm also left feeling some type of way. 


Now this is absurd because I'm the first person to apologize when I do wrong. I feel like the ultimate act of contrition is acknowledging your wrong, accepting it and expressing regret for doing it. Thereby saying if I knew then what I know now, I would never have acted that way, and now I wish I never did. And though I cannot press rewind, I want you to know just how badly I feel about my actions. 

Yet...

Is that really the ultimate. Is it really enough? Does doing that entitle you to forgiveness? Does it subject the person to the duty of letting go of whatever pain your actions caused them? 

Does refusing to accept an apology make someone a bad person?

Are apologies really enough?

And if/when they aren't, what is?

...Have you ever been where I am, where a million sorrys mean absolutely nothing? You have? Please tell me all about it, and then tell me what made things right, or if you left things as they were. I'm all ears!



*i need to add that neither the title of this post nor the munched chat are a reflection of my present state of mind or a representation of my personal thoughts in this post. They are, at best, click bait*

Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Apology does not automatically right the situation, in fact the broken friendship/relationship may never be the same again. But its shows that the 'apologetic' partner is sorry and is willing to make amends. Its up to the recipient ...whether to do the mature thing (accept the apology &move on) or opt the 'stuff your apology' way.
      The fact is we hurt people and people hurt us to..it may be intentional and unintentional. We must learn to forgive when wronged and also be quick to apologise when we wrong others.

      Delete
  3. People apologise to keep relationships going and to let you know they know they hurt you and they feel bad about it,of course an apology doesn't do away with the pain but in the long run it helps

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    1. My opinion is this, '...and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us...'

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    2. Word! I find it very difficult to forgive but these words right here... These words make me do the right thing which is forgive 77 times. Once you say sorry my heart melts and all is forgiven. It's hard but I need God's forgiveness more than I need to hold on to my anger.

      Delete
  5. If the apology comes after the person was found guilty then it doesn't mean sh*t cos that's the reason for the apology .. Me sef I'm very stubborn ..I always find it hard to apologize or even try to hear the other party out .. Pride gets in the way sumtimes.. I haven't spoken to one of my best friends in over a year cos of pride and not wanting to be the first to apologise..it's a bad thin..

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    1. I've never quite gotten that first to apologise thingy. Yes you're stubborn as a mule but babe, it's been almost two years, is it really worth it? You think about her often, you STILL call her your bestie, your lives are both very woven together and even in the next 20 years those cords that bind you guys will still be there. What I'm saying is that no matter what, you guys will always be in each other's lives even if you don't like it. So how many more years are you willing to be prideful and kontinu the malice? I'm just saying...

      Delete
  6. @ Chocolate, I hope this post inspires you to reach out to ur bestie.

    A text message will be just fine, if you don't wanna talk.

    Apologising and forgiving the offender heals a lot of...ish.

    Best be free from the pain of hurting.

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  7. @ Chocolate, I hope this post inspires you to reach out to ur bestie.

    A text message will be just fine, if you don't wanna talk.

    Apologising and forgiving the offender heals a lot of...ish.

    Best be free from the pain of hurting.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very interesting discussion.
    I think the first thing here is that most "apologies" are not genuine. They are intended to make the offended party forget the incident and move on.
    I think this is a good way a genuine apology should look, how often are we willing to do this?
    Anatomy of an Apology by Dream Hampton.
    1. I'm sorry
    2. Here's my understanding of how I hurt you.
    3. I will never do that again.
    4. Here is how I'm going to make it right.
    5. Please forgive me

    The second this is that an apology can not erase the consequences of the offense. It doesn't automatically wipe out hurt feelings or erase any damage done, Nobody is under any obligation to accept an apology, that's between them and their God/ conscience. If you're angry at someone for not accepting your apology, you're not really sorry. You're just saying so in order to forget the issue, assuage your guilt and move on.

    Sometimes the answer has to be " apology accepted, further access denied!" And we need to be willing to accept that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think this is a good way a genuine apology should look, how often are we willing to do this?
      Anatomy of an Apology by Dream Hampton.
      1. I'm sorry
      2. Here's my understanding of how I hurt you.
      3. I will never do that again. (or at least try to remember not to do it)
      4. Here is how I'm going to make it right.
      5. Please forgive me

      Thanks Sweet peaches, I copied those lines.

      Especially so, if you mean much to me. I need to know you thought about the hurt, and I can let myself go with you again- female& male alike.
      Maybe it's because I try a lot not to hurt/ betray people.

      Delete
  9. cccc11:23 p.m., May 07, 2015
    I think this is a good way a genuine apology should look, how often are we willing to do this?
    Anatomy of an Apology by Dream Hampton.
    1. I'm sorry
    2. Here's my understanding of how I hurt you.
    3. I will never do that again. (or at least try to remember not to do it)
    4. Here is how I'm going to make it right.
    5. Please forgive me

    Thanks Sweet peaches, I copied those lines.

    Especially so, if you mean much to me. I need to know you thought about the hurt, and I can let myself go with you again- female& male alike.
    Maybe it's because I try a lot not to hurt/ betray people.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh mami....there are some apologies I do not accept and there are some I just take it like salt over the shoulder and there are some that the moment they drop, I accept it and even feel terrible afterwards....so I think I understand why some apologies need to be shoved down Mehnnnn.... I totally do...

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  11. I must be convinced you are remorseful for me to accept your apology. There are a lot of apologies the Yorubas call 'gba, je nsinmi' - literally means 'take, allow me rest'-an apology which is not deep down. You cannot mess up my life and expect a simple 'sorry' to fix that, no! Of course, there are times someone may hurt me out of genuine ignorance and a simple 'I'm sorry' will do.

    You cannot deliberately hurt people (Linda-Ikeji-Susan-Peters kind) and expect them to embrace you after throwing 'sorry' to their faces.....No! You have to go extra mile and do all it takes to alleviate the pains you cause.

    -F

    ReplyDelete

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