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Troubled Blog Reader Needs Your Advice.






My fiancé asked me out for more than one year before I even listened to him. I had been turning him down because he is married although he is getting a divorce. He moved out of the house and has lived alone for more than one year and I have seen the divorce petition and the affidavit so I know he really wants to divorce his wife, but the wife and her family are dragging their feet. First I refused to get involved because he's a married man but I later got to see that they are really separated. But I still didn't want him and I was very cold to him, even with that he moved heaven and earth because of me. My family met him and immediately they really liked him, truthfully I liked him too, he is good looking and also very nice. Before he sounded like he just wanted a fling but later became very serious and he said he wants to remarry as soon as he can. You know the more you spend time with somebody that's how you start getting used to them, I fell in love with him and we have been together since then. I never wanted to marry a divorcee and it is not any parents dream that their child will marry a divorcee but when we met him we saw that he is a very good person. He already said he wants to marry me although we cannot legally get married until his divorce is final. But we are planning the introduction and plan to marry traditionally later this year. 
Please there is something troubling me please. We got into a heated discussion even though we were not arguing. In fact I cannot remember everything but we were not arguing or fighting. I was surprised when he started to talk about his ex wife. He started saying that she is a very good person, that she is a good woman and if not for some circumstances they will still be together. He said that there is an adage in yoruba that says it is easy to marry a bad wife, but it is suicidal to marry or to have bad in-laws. He said his wife is very wonderful but her mother is the stumbling block, that her mother controls everything and she does not object. He said if not because of her mother they will still be together, that he will have never left her because he loves her and she is a good woman. 
Please come and help me decide because my heart has been troubled. I always knew that the fault was from the other side because he was the one that went to court to file for divorce and he moved out. He used to sound very bitter and I thought his wife was the person at fault. Now he said all this and I am wondering if it will be wise to continue with our introduction and engagement. After all, if God forbid, his mother in law dies, or if she changes, or if his wife says she will leave her mother alone, doesn't it mean that he will dump me and go back home? They have a child together and I am igbo while they are yoruba. He insists that he loves me and is making plans for our life together, he has put down payment on a house because where he is staying now is just a room apartment. 
Please I need your advice. I love this man very much and my family is planning our marriage. I want to marry him too. But should I move on and save myself from waste of time and disappointment? 

Comments

  1. It's a tricky one, but hey you can never tell unless you try. There's really no advice to give as you have to make up your own mind and follow your heart. No one can decide that except yourself, I think you already know what to do and just seeking some validation. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is this really complicated to you? All the answers are right there before you. First, before any right thinking person makes a move to date not to talk of marring a divorcee, she/he should first of all do private investigation to find out why the marriage failed. This is to ensure that history does not repeat itself.

    What kind of man ends a marriage to a good woman just because of bad in laws. Don't get me wrong o, bad in laws can be a pain in the ass for any marriage. Is that good enough reason for someone to trash his "for better for worse" vow?

    Is he the kind of man that runs once trouble shows up in marriage? If he feels this way for his wife, do you think there is a probability that they will get back together before finalising the divorce?

    If you love this man and really want to marry him at least wait for the divorce to be finalised. Do not do traditional marriage with a married man that may not go through with his divorce. That makes you a woman he cannot legally marry. J

    ReplyDelete
  3. Forgive all my typos. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J you won't understand. When your mother in law starts making threats to your life verbally and diabolically, or undermines your manhood for years while your wife watches her, even starts to turn your wife against u till she becomes a stranger that you did not marry, will you sit there and look? There are too many things that I must not say because I am only telling the side that affects me.

      Delete
    2. I commented based on the facts in the post above. I don't know if you are the poster but that man still loves his wife. Mind you, a court does everythn in their power to reconcile a marriage before granting a divorce. They could work things out , where does that leave you.

      If you must marry this man wait for the divorce itself. Why do u want to marry a married man?

      Delete
    3. Couldn't but help notice how you put the she before the he in your earlier comment "..........she/he first of all........". Never thought about it that way.

      I concur with the sentiments of most of the commenters, you should give adequate time to the finalization of the divorce. Don't know how possible or wise this suggestion is considering the nature of your relationship - try having a frank discussion with him to know where he stands with the current marriage and the one he is trying to contract with you. yes he might still love his wife but then if she still indulges in habits that harm the union, he may have no other option than to seek love elsewhere - from you.

      Delete
  4. I got no advice for you mehnnn......you have seen blah blah blah and blah blah blah....the fact still remains -HE IS STILL MARRIED TO HER....and you are trampling on his marriage....whether he moved out or whatever...or he tells you A - Z...or he shows you whatever..the fact remains they are still married.....they are having a rough patch.....and you were dating him while that was going on......that's not cool.....See, Karma is my very good friend....she just forces you to be friends with her and she gets to everyone...Infact, she visits people without an invitation.....its just a matter of time mami......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahahaha, I gbadun ur comment ojare.

      Delete
  5. You cannot touch fire and expect not to be burned, someone that has not finished divorcing his 1st wife,not to talk of getting over her wants to jump into marriage with you. The answer lies in your hands,use your tongue to count your teeth, if you feel you can handle whatever is the aftermath whether good or bad by all means. My own advice though chill on the marriage thing,he isn't going to disappear anywhere I presume,time reveals many things.

    ReplyDelete
  6. End it. His heart belongs to his wife. Moreover, they have a child together. They have a connection. He doesn't need to toast her again. Whether her mother is there or not. You may marry him. But I assure you, his wife will have more kids for him. Why? He loves her. And he has told you so. A man was forced by his family to divorce his wife. A woman he loves deeply. They had a child. He remarried. By some miracle, his ex wife had another child. Has moved to another country. And gets on very well without a job. The man travels regularly to this country where ex wife now lives. Stop committing yourself.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
  7. Uyi please let me join your cast in your filming crew, thanks in advance.

    Fly away

    ReplyDelete
  8. I just think u should wait for proper divorce b4 d intro, if he wants u that bad, he should get d divorce quickly. Rily dnt know abt the lingering connection with his wife, this things can be tricky but please allow him get a proper divorce b moving on!

    ReplyDelete
  9. The man is already missing his 'very good wife', and he is just stylishly telling u to free him.
    Please leave that guy, he's someone else's man....that is his legally married wife.

    ReplyDelete
  10. My dear, waiting a couple more months won't hurt. Why is he in a hurry to remarry.

    Your folks shouldn't be planning trad wedding for you yet.

    Your best interest isn't yet covered. Divorces take over a year when the reason isn't so far fetched.

    Give it time, else you come out the biggest loser in this whole..ish

    ReplyDelete
  11. So what happens if he wakes up one morning, and decides your mother has more influence on you than he fancies?
    My dear, love can be blind, but life opens up those eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hmmm, it's obvious this man very much still loves his wife and if u go ahead to marry him, u will just be his second best, and never his best, especially as they have a child together, dat means whether or not they get divorced, she will always be in his life. My dear, even if u go ahead to marry him after the divorce and he supposedly shows you all d love you claim he is showing you, trust me your life will always be complicated cos of his ex n child. Please ehhh, challenge God to bring you your own hubby without any baggage, so u two can start a clean slate. If not 4 anyfin, dnt bring forth your unborn children into dis complicated and selfish relationship cos if u eventually marry dis divorcee, ur kids r goin 2 av steps n we reli do not knw hw dat will turn out...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Some things are better walked away from. We ask God for signs, when he gives them to us, we keeping seeking answers- the answers we want. Goodluck.


    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't think it's wise to 'chook head' oo! He obviously loves his wife and if things change for the better he'll be glad to bring her back into his life. See..ure already feeling bad he's talking about d wife. Dear, u have no choice bcos the wife is a permanent part of him bcos of the child. ls this how u wanna live the rest of ur life with constant referrals of his wife n maybe when he starts comparing you to her in the long run?. Don't be entangled in such "love triangle"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please walk away while you still can. God will bring you a man with no baggage. Just trust him.

      Delete
  15. i think you should walk away.its ground for divorce is still reconciliable,please dont hurt yourself cos this duo can still come back together

    bolateethole.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. My dear, sit down and ask yourself why this man whom is not yet thru wif his divorce already wants to marry again almost immediately? What's the rush for especially as he claims his wife is a good woman ( i.e means he still loves her)? Babes I may be wrong on this oooo, but I feel he just wanna use u for closure and you guys relationship could either go south or west or even north sef. 4get dat he has been on ur case 4 a while, it's after u get married dat u will reli knw his true feelings towards u ( I pray he does not resent u after marriage if u probably don't meet up 2 his standards or d standard of his ex wife) . Biko leave dis man, n challenge God to bring ur own hubby, cos if dis man eventually divorces his wife, in d eyes of God he is still married because his div orce to his wife was not based on adultery, hence if u marry him u will be married to sum1 else's hubby, which already makes ur marriage to him to be built on d wrong foundation which wud not last.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dear Poster,
    Walk away from this. Or wait till the divorce is final before making any marital plan with this man.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Dear Poster, do you mind being in a polygamy? You may go ahead and marry him but have the possibility of his reconciliation with his wife at the back of your mind. Yes, in law troubles could be overwhelming but who is to say the couple wouldn't find a way around it? When a man loves a woman, he does not give up easily and entirely.

    And as mentioned in a comment above, why does the guy want to rush into another marriage? Is he trying to use you as an anchor of some sort? Does he think that marrying you would enable him to better deal with the emotional trauma he suffers as a result of his wife's inaction towards her mother's negative attitudes? Is he just using you in the interim?

    Besides, I have seen a man initiate divorce without it getting through because eventually, he and the wife found a way to reconcile.

    I pray you make the right decision.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  19. That's more drama than I would advise. If his wife and her family (which I assume to be her influential mother, in summary) are in no hurry to end that marriage, there's no telling what surprises they may spring up to sabotage his plans to move on.
    Secondly, if he really still loves her, then you're going to be starting your marital life as second best. I think you deserve so much better, but I can't do more than hope you think so too. It's your happiness, your life, your choice.
    Emotions are unstable and ever changing, but wisdom is an ever bankable asset.

    ReplyDelete

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