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Which Comes First For You. Career or Marriage?





Hey people. I'm excited when I see something I've wondered about for a while, come to life, albeit in someone else's words. Today's chickchat holds a lot of questions I've asked over time, and I would really love to know what you think.


"A friend asked me a few weeks ago "what's the meaning of life to you". I was panicked as I had never really asked myself that question. It took me a few days to soul search and find the single most important thing to me in life. I believe we as women should as early as possible discover what's important to us in life. It is critical for life decision-makings. Once we gain perspective, we must follow our path with razor sharp focus! #Read#Comment #Enjoy

I've been with my boyfriend Niyi now for over 7 years. We got together at 19 and now we are both done with grad school and chasing career. I have been offered a dream job in Paris. My BF is so supportive and happy for me and he recently asked me to marry him. I was so excited about all the 
good things happening in my life that I didn't stop to give it a think. I am happy being his life partner but he is moving back to Nigeria and has a good job working with his dad's maritime logistics company. 

Our lives are taking separate turns for the next few years but we both want to remain together. Is it advisable for the first years of marriage to be long distance? My mother is staunchly against this and even yelled at me. She firmly said, "listen, Niyi is a very good catch so don't be foolish enough to think he is going to be longing for you forever.." She feels I should come back home and find a job and "prioritise". I have goals of starting my own consultancy and I would need at least 5 years of international work experience. I also feel I would have something solid to bring to the table. 

My mom keeps harping on about my western mentality and that "marriage does not come easy so don't leave it too late." I'm torn between the reality of what my mother is saying versus the life I've dreamed of after grad school. My Niyi! I'd be devastated to lose him. Will the realities of long distance affect our marriage? They say the first 3-5years of marriage are the most difficult. It sounds to me like I shouldn't place my goals and aspirations above marriage: one must take precedence! 



***
Above is  @conniegirlswag Tuesday chickchat. Follow her on Instagram and join the convo every Tuesday.

I remember telling you guys about someone who came with a marriage proposal. One of my reservations was that I believed my dreams would die if I move to that part of the country. Just like in the scenario above, his father had already set him up really well in their home state and had things lined up for the guy for life. Most people felt that marriage should trump career/aspirations/goals but I find it very difficult to accept or believe that marriage is God's purpose for my life. I think, yes, it's part of the plan and will eventually happen. But purpose... My aspirations are what keep my engines revving and if you take that away from me, I really don't know if I would cope. But I may be myopic or you may consider me a tad silly. And that's ok really. 

I don't even want to begin to ask why I should be the one to uproot my life and relocate, while he sits pretty and continues with life as usual. When I told his father this, he said to me; "If I said I want the both of you to move to New York and I will take care of everything, would you complain? No. But you said you don't want to leave Lagos. New York is not in Lagos nau". LOL. Daddy though!

And let's also address this issue of long distance marriage? Are you in one? Does it work? How do you make it work? Or, should it be avoided at all cost?


Comments

  1. Well everything in life requires sacrifice, just have to weigh what's more important. The first two years of my marriage was more or less long distance. I was based here in the UK and working before meeting hubby, he was on a business trip when we met so I knew it was going to be a lot of sacrifices involved. I had no intention of living in Nigeria as I no longer have any family there, my whole life is here and I grew up here. He was all about Nigeria and had set up his company and doing just very well so had no intention of moving either. But at the end of the day I was prepared to uproot because I knew He was worth it.
    Well in the long run after going back and Fort he sacrificed and relocated of which I'm grateful for, But it wasn't an easy decision to make.
    Knowing Gods plan for ur life makes it easier as well, u might have a "dream" but what's the fathers plan for ur life.

    The long distance part was not easy but it does work. I trusted him and I never for one second wondered what he was up to cus he carried me along with every aspect of his day. We took holidays alot as well as saw each other as often as possible. But it worked because there was an end in sight don't know if I could have carried on for 5 years!
    It sort of deepend our relationship! We became better friends. And we learnt to cherish every moment we had together. But now I wouldn't want to go bk sha. I don't like waking up without him next to me lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tolu, just so you know... you make me look forward to marriage(as much as it scares the sh*t out of me) you paint a very beautiful picture... please don't stop sharing. *hugs*

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    2. Aww thanks kubuoy, I'm just sharing my young experience so far lol. Don't let ppl scare u off marriage, there r great marriages out there and it's very attainable. Just remember when the time comes to choose from ur numerous toaster ;) DO NOT LEAN ON UR OWN UNDERSTANDING! In all ur ways acknowledge HIM and he will direct your path....shikena.

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    3. 1000 likes to Tolulope Oyetunde response

      bolateethole.blogspot.com

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  2. I believe in finding a balance. Instead of getting 5 years of experience get 3. Try out the long distance thing first as engaged couple. Instead of married couple. See how the strain affects your relationship. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.

    If the BF supports you, you guys will find a way to make it work. If you want to give up chasing your career make sure it is your own decision not that you are talked into it. If the later happens, at some point you may start regretting it. The thought of what would have been if you followed that path will haunt you forever.

    I was speaking to my MIL sometime and she kept repeating that she regrets leaving her career to relocate to the city where her husband was. Her colleagues then are the big names in big corporate organisations. When I spoke to my husband about it,he said they have heard that lament all their life and wished she found a way to work things out instead of abandoning her career.

    We are talking decades and she still regrets that. Find a balance. You don't have to give up one for one. If you must give up one, make sure you go for what keeps you fulfilled as a person, whatever you choose is right. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You took the words right out of my mouth J. Try it out first as an engaged couple and then make a choice that you can live with. I left my promising job in a bank to get married and raise children but sometimes when I'm extra stressed by the cacophony of cries I wonder if I should have gotten a nanny and gone back to work. But it's fleeting thought that only lasts for a second. You know yourself and what makes you tick so do what you'll be happy with when the loverush fades.
      A great idea for travelling with your hair products

      Delete
    2. Finding the balance is the real deal. You nailed it.

      Delete
  3. They say the first 3-5years of marriage are the most difficult. ---Who are 'THEY'??....I am confused...Each time I read something and I get to a part that says 'My father said' or 'My mother said' or 'My pastor said'...I just shutdown mehn...I can't deal with stuffs like that....Anyhoo nuff' said....the first 2 years of my marriage was spent with my husband and I moving from one country to the other...relocating and putting our businesses in place...in between all that, we had to spend bout 4 months apart and then 2 months together and then 3 months apart...you know...like that...for 2 years....Here is where Ladies get confused -----Do you wanna be a Married woman who has a career or a Career woman who is married?....cuz they are not the same thing...Once you are able to figure that out, you will be fine.

    **waves** Hiya mami!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ".... I find it very difficult to accept or believe that marriage is God's purpose for my life. I think, yes, it's part of the plan and will eventually happen. But purpose..."

    "Knowing Gods plan for ur life makes it easier as well, u might have a "dream" but what's the fathers plan for ur life."


    Purpose; finding yourself, discovering who you are and why you are here should come before marriage. Finding that person that would fit into that purpose is the icing on the cake.
    It is just unfortunate that the society has made marriage the ultimate purpose/goal which should not be. this shouldn't even be up for debate at all. All things being equal.

    I'm #TeamMoveToParis(especially if you're sure it's the path of purpose... it won't hurt to commit everything into God's hands tho...)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ruthy how are u dear, not seen any comments from u since that lost post on the 16th or maybe I missed it and u werent sounding too great that day. I hope u r OK. Just wanted you to know someone is thinking and praying for u and no matter what it is it will all be OK! U r cherished xxx

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  6. Its a tough one really, and you will never know unless you give it a try. Life is all about risk taking, best wishes always!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think the lady should move to Paris, it's to soon. To tell how the tides will go.

    If their union is meant to be, it surely will be. As long as the minute supports his woman, why not.

    ReplyDelete
  8. * as long as the man (dunno what auto correct was thinking spelling man as minute kwa)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I believe it depends on where you are emotionally in your life. I chose my career for 12 years and i dismissed a lot of proposals that came through. I walked away from a 5 year relationship not because he was bad to me, but i was restless.

    Right now my marriage is first, but its due to several factors. When i define myself, i define myself as my career and goals first and then my marriage. I do this because i have a wandering spirit and if i dont feel fulfilled as a person, i will wreck all around me. My husband understands, so he even brings me jobs.

    A lot of our mothers put marriage before their careers and some like my mother go back and look for that which they left behind. My mom started her first masters and dropped out 35 years ago when she has a child. My mom is almost 60 and she is doig a 2nd masters - all within the span of the last 4 years. She is talking about a phd - she is now a professional student. Her youngest child is 28.

    I say listen to your heart and try to find the balance. What works for A wont work for B. Find your happy.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. hmmmn,i have learnt alot within my few minutes on your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Bolatito. You're welcome to the TTB family hunnay!

      Delete
  11. I am definitely team go to Paris.......Gone are the days when marriage was the ultimate for females; when the single most important thing was marriage/motherhood. Marriage is still important and desirable but it should not be at the expense of every other thing (especially career). There should be a balance.

    By the way, I doubt marriage any longer fulfills purpose for most (not all) women.

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'd say don't get married just yet, you can stay engaged for over a year. See how it works.
    It seems the positions you both would be in would afford you flight fares + hotel bookings. He'd have some time too, shebi it's his dad's company in Nigeria? If it works...
    Then you both can plan marriage. But I think 5 years is a lot,3 years maybe, ...since you plan on coming back.
    And as Miss Pynk said, it also depends on what stage- mentally; career wise; value, you are at the moment.
    Also, pray.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  14. i think first is your happiness, if your job makes you happy then just work, if family then choose family, but from my experience family is more important, also there are myths about marriage that you should know about, https://kovla.com/blog/11-myths-about-ukrainian-russian-women-for-marriage-you-probably-do-not-know-about/ you can read about them in my blog!enjoy

    ReplyDelete

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