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Dear Thelma... (To Be a Mistress or Wife No. 2?)

Thelma this is my little story. People are quick to judge any girl that is dating a married man and I am not making excuses for myself, in fact I wanted to leave him because most time I feel bad. His wife does not know about me coz the thing about him is that he is a very good husband and does not give her any reason to be unhappy. Everytime I say I want to leave him but it is hard coz I luv him and coz he is really helping my family. He is the one that helped my sister get a job of 250 thousand a month, my brother does not have certificate coz of problems he had in his school so my brother has been jobless since 2009 and my boyfriend made him a site manager at one of his site last year. They will soon finish that site and he is going to make him the menager for the next project too coz my brother is very hardworking. He helped me start my catering business. I want an office job but I always feel bad about looking for work coz I made a third class so I have always prayed to do my masters, to back up my first degree. Last month he said I should apply for my masters in UK and tell him how much everything will cost, he will pay for it. I am not happy to be dating a married man and I am not proud but if I leave him the truth is I don't know what I will do. Also my brother will lose his job. I know that he loves me and he wants to marry me. My problem is if I break up with him we will lose everything, my sister may not lose her job coz it is a multinational so she may be able to keep it. But I don't worry about her too much coz she made 2.1 and with her experience she will be able  to find another work. But I'm worried for my brother and myself, he is the one that takes care of us. I just need advise coz dating a married man is wrong and I want to stop. But he said I should marry him and he has met with my uncle so is it not better to be a second wife than to be a mistress? I know that his wife will not be happy and I am not aiming at causing her trouble, but if he wants to marry me then is it so bad? Our parents are late and he is the one that got our apartment so that we can leave our uncle's house. I feel bad about being a mistress and I know it is wrong, and that is why I am thinking maybe I should accept and we can get married. If we marry, his wife will know it won't be a secret. He is a Muslim so he can. I am from christian background but I don't mind. Please what do you think?

Ps, those for the size 42 shoes, please please mail me so I know how I can get them across to you. 
To the poster I know it sounds extremely daunting, but you do know that your life would go on, with or without him, right? I'm not telling you what to do o! I'll leave that to our able readers, just asking a simple question. 


  1. Poster, for the 1st time I'm going to give this advice "Follow your heart. Do what's BEST for YOU."
    Sometimes it's okay to be a lil selfish & very Happy. If he's a Christian, then I'll preach the What God has joined together sermon, but he's a Muslim, they can marry 4 wives yeah? As long as U are marrying him for LOVE NOT material gains! But Dear Poster, be prepared for wife #3 & #4 oh.... What is good for the goose is.........................

    Away from the matter, This is a S.S.O to Miss Pynk, Phransea, Ruby & Clare for patronising my Baby business... All ye Lagos people Oya oh. I delivered to Ruby in Abuja Via Courier. #SideEyes
    More doors are opening ni oh. TTB is family to me! #BarneyHug

    1. Ruthy, she said she's scared that if she leaves him, she and her brother will loose tell me how she's not in for the material gain?.

      Anyway, she should just get ready for number 3 and 4 like u said.

      My father was an only child, my mum had just 2 brothers. Wen my pop died, we were alone with mum, my eldest sibling just got admitted into the was harrrrrrddddd, but we pulled tru. my mum and all of us struggled. The excuse of dating a married man and wanting to marry him, just bicos you don't want him to take all that he's provided for you is sooooo lame.
      You have so convinced yourself that without the man your life and that of ur bro negatively affected. To me, in your heart, you've already decided to marry him o.
      Again, as Ruthy said, be ready for wives numba 3 and 4. Goodluck.

    2. @ Ruthy my friend swears your cookies are made from heaven.

    3. "Everytime I say I want to leave him but it is hard coz I luv him and coz he is really helping my family"

      Her Exact words. She LOVES him & she loves his money too.
      Which sensible woman wants to Love/Marry a broke guy?
      I'm just making sure she ain't in for the cash alone!

    4. Clare I'm In Heaven hearing that oh!!! But I'll still Improve sha esp on the toppings!

      Chei, Ruth U go fill this post with ur comments.

    5. God bless your business Ruthy.

    6. Clare's comment just made me all mushy inside. More power to you Ruthy, and thanks for the business Clare. May God continue to bless you, you're an amazing woman.

    7. This is probably the first time on this blog that after reading the post, I am confused on how to handle the scenario presented. My church mind says one thing and the realist in me says the polar opposite.

      Reading Ruthielycious comment gave me the best insight into your dilemma - you aren't going to be marrying him for love. It is clearly for material gains. While it is not verboten to marry a person after due consideration has been given to material gains, it is undesirable to engage in marriage primarily for material interests.

      I'd be unwise to simply advise your to do away with your golden egg (the married man) but then you should also learn to see God as your provider. It's not wise for any intent to be a mistress (you were designed for more and it is a disservice to yourself) neither would i advice you to be a second wife.

      I'd say this though - pray and be strategic about your decisions. Talk to your sister and your brother to get their views and opinions. In all your ways acknowledge Him, for He shall direct your paths.

    8. Dear Ruthy, good to know that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. Remember this when ur evil, selfish deed of taking another woman's husband comes to torment u all d way to ur grave. U're so pathetic and disgusting.

    9. How can you not say that when you want to take another woman's husband? Ruth Ruth remember karma is a faithful bitch. You want to be selfish and happy on another woman's pain right? Watch ur back bitch. Every betrayal is paid in Blood.

  2. Your life will go on with or without him,so if that's your reason for not leaving him,its not good enough
    N like Ruth said also get ready for wife 3 n 4,it doesn't stop at just Two

  3. Well he is a Muslim, so 2nd wife is allowed. Search your heart on your reasons for marrying him, without all that can you still be happily married to him? Read more about being a Muslim wife, do you think you and your kids will be cool with that in the long run?J

  4. I'd boldly say marry him rather than be a mistress! The thing is, people will judge you 4 leaving him, people will also judge you for marying him! So please my dear, since he is proposing, make up ur mind and marry him. Yes life could go on with or without him so if u want it to go on "with" him, fine!
    He might even have u stay in a diff apartment in order not to bring any kinda conflict!
    No marriage is perfect, trust me a lotta first wives would wantt to be in ur shoes and have peace.

  5. If you love the man, marry him. If he wasn't dating you, it would be someone else.

    Ask your self, can you cope? If yes, why not.
    However remember you are a christian. You may be required to change to a Muslim and your kids will definitely become muslims.

    It's up to you babe.

  6. You are a Christian or you go to church, which one. Not to sound jugdemental but God standards remain the same, all na sin, mistress oooo second wife oooo, all put together na sin. But the hidden sin you are not seeing is this you have made him God, and you feel your life depends on him, wrong Your life and Living depends on God. Have you given it a thought that the man can die anytime and then your suppose source is gone. Please do what you know is right and not what is convenient. Wish you all the best

    1. Sorry did I just read that being a 2nd wife is a sin??? Pls help me with verses!

    2. I'm with Queen too. I want verses please.

    3. 1Samuel 12:8a - "... I gave thee thy master's house, and thy master's WIVES into thy bosom...".

      It's the tradition of the Church to marry one wife actually, just as it's a tradition to marry those of the same Faith, but as St. Paul says "we're all called to peace", so getting married to more than one wife or someone who's not of like Faith isn't a sin at all. GOD gave David wives and even said HE'D have given him more if David had asked. Based on this, and assuming Poster's reasons are tangible, I'll advice her to be a 2nd wife. It's more prudent. But like Ruthy has said, be ready 'cos #3 and #4 may likely step in. Stay blessed.

  7. Well if he dies, will u kill urself and your brother. Dont ask guestions answers u already knw.
    If u r a christian the bible says he who puts his trust in man is cursed, but those who trust God will prosper even in the desert.
    Uve no moral, financial or emotional justification for what you are doing.

  8. Disclaimer it isn't a sin but marrying a muslim is, abi you need verse too. And polygamist werent to hold offices in the church( showing it wasn't really acceptable). Anyways I am not the standard for righteousness Living, so dear posted do what you are led to do and that which gives you peace

    1. Pardon the gbagauns, righteous Living, and dear poster. it is all thanks to autocorrect. The end of the matter be say each malam to his kettle

    2. Hian pls the statement u made implied so!!! Just say u didn't place it well

    3. OK ma, sorry for the implied statement, hope my apology is accepted and by the way I rectified that with the second statement

    4. Marrying a Muslim or any non-Christian isn't a sin also.

    5. @ Memphis... Dis your statement i no agree. 2cor 6:14" 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
      Bt ofcourse, many would ask me how i am sure i am d righteous one and not anyother religion!! I know because as a christian thats what the word of God says.

    6. Lol. It says UNBELIEVERS, not MUSLIMS. Muslims believe in GOD. The Holy Quran calls Christians "Believers" and "Brothers".

    7. 1 Corinthians 7:14: "For the UNBELIEVING husband is sanctified by the wife, and the UNBELIEVING wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy".

    8. Na lie ooo. Which koran call christians believers? Abeg bring that koran verse out abeg abeg. And mind u, john 14:6 says jesus is the truth and the only way that no one cometh unto the father except thru Him only! Muslims do not believe in Jesus so i really really do not believe we serve thesame God. Even other religions would tell u we serve same God, but thats a fat lie!

    9. @SB. You are wrong. Muslims believe in "Isa Al-Masir" (meaning Jesus the Messiah) as quoted in the Quran.

    10. I think that you're an unbeliever if you DO NOT believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and that he came, died and rose again for us. If you do not believe in John 3 v 16.
      Most muslims... scrap the "most". ALL muslims would tell you that God can never have a son. Infact... they can die there.

      So please Memphis and co... don't tell me they are believers simply because they believe in God. our faith and belief in Jesus... is the very essence of believers. In fact! I'm flabbergasted to say the least.

      Meanwhile memphis, I have questions for you o... kindly answer.

      Is cheating a sin?

      If yes,

      then is looking at a woman more than once(you know what that means) a sin?

      If yes

      Then how does a christian marry and then find another wife if he doesn't do 1 and 2 above?

      Or is he also marrying to help the overly populous single ladies in the world.. or to save them from destruction or to save him from burning?

      Also are you really asking for verses and also trying to prove with David and Abraham that polygamy is legalized by the bible?

      Even after it was clearly written that a bishop must have one wife... even though not everyone would be a bishop but as much as we look up to Jesus as the author and finisher of our faith, our role model... we also see this people as role models and they are to set good examples for us to follow?

      Are you "categorically" telling me that it is OKAY and it is ALLOWED for a child of God, a believer to marry more than one wife?!!!!!

      *phew* what will I not see on social media!

      Now let me emphatically state here that the reason a lot of christians interpret the bible wrongly is simply because you read it with your human and natural instincts, understanding and logic.

      You CANNOT read the bible like that... you'll mix up a lot of things... and this(marrying more than one wife is allowed) is the result.
      I have seen someone back up fornication(with his fiancee) with the scriptures. Demonic interpretation!

      You need the Holy spirit to help interpret the bible to you. So you don't stand before God on the last day defending yourself and then he asks you who interpreted it that way to you?!

      So please as much as it is good to study and memorize the word of God, we need the Holy spirit so we don't go quoting the bible upside down.

      Memphis, I patiently await your answers.

      *pardon any mistakes.... I can't proof read...thanks*

    11. Dearest Kabuoy. Let’s take a breather; your comment exposed your irritation

      Muslims and Christians believe in GOD, and the only difference (if this should be a difference at all) is that Christians believe GOD manifests HIMSELF in multiple Divine PERSONALITIES, while Muslims do not. I had a debate with a Muslim fb friend one time who couldn’t wrap his head around this mystery and I told him our human nature has 2 (3?) personalities; the body and the soul. We actually believe this and yet cannot believe that GOD, Whose IMAGE we’re actually made in likeness, exhibits same traits? He gave up. The thing is, if you go through some of the verses in the Holy Quran you notice that when GOD speaks HE uses the pronouns “WE” and “US” when referring to HIMSELF(Muslim TTBVs can attest to this), and when I ask most of them, in confusion (with due respect to Muslims) they tell me GOD speaks to HIMSELF and humans. So when HE says “WE saved” or “WE sanctify” in The Quran, do humans sanctify? *confused*. But does this confusion now allow you tag Muslims as #Unbelievers? That shouldn’t be. It’s not easy accepting the reality of The PERSONALITY of GOD. Even St. Phillip found it hard to believe after more than 3 years that GOD in HIS Glory walked side by side with him all this while in JESUS (John 14:8-10). That didn’t tag him as an #Unbeliever, did it? The Jews, up till tomorrow, are still waiting for a promised messiah; they refused to accept HE has come already. Does this make them Unbelievers too? At least if not for anything, we know they believe and worship no other but GOD, right? Yet they are even worse than Muslims because they don’t even respect JESUS as much as Muslims do, who even go as far as acknowledge HIM as a Great Prophet who will come again, just as Christians believe. I would’ve even gone as far as telling you what St. Paul advices us in our interaction with Unbelievers but…come on Kabuoy, it’s right there in your bible na! lol

      Now for the cheating and marriage: What is marriage, and what is cheating? 2 different things. David and Abraham marrying more than one wife doesn’t seem legalized to you, but do we all notice how GOD never condemned polygamy during the times of these Patriarchs? GOD who explicitly condemned adultery and all forms of evil? No one is misinterpreting anything nne. GOD isn’t diplomatic. If GOD was against polygamy HE wouldn’t even have hinted that HE remotely allowed David acquire Saul’s wives. HE even told David if he had wanted more, he’ll get more. As punishment for his crimes GOD said “misfortune will come upon you”, and one of the misfortunes: “I will take your WIVES and give them to your neighbor who will lay with them in broad daylight”. If GOD was against polygamy, HE wouldn’t have cared less what happened to David’s harem. In attaining a certain level of righteousness St. Paul advices Christians to remain single, and only marry if we cannot withstand our passion so we don’t plunge into immorality. We can understand from this then that great holiness can be achieved when our logical human responsibilities are reduced. The bishops are advised to get only 1 wife because of this purpose; to curb possible immoral act and carry out their godly duties. GOD has never been against polygamy but HE’s always been against biting more than we can chew. A man who’s not supposed to marry gets a wife; a man who is capable of taking good care of 3 wives goes and pulls a *Solomon*. These are things GOD is against. Marriage is difficult with one wife already then someone goes and gets 2 or more? Then it’s either he believes he’s capable of keeping a peaceful home that large or his konji has misdirected him. Nonetheless, GOD has never remotely condemned polygamy.
      I hope I answered your questions nne. Lol. Kabuoy see what you made my fingers go through..

    12. Lmaoo! Sorry about that...

      Tor! Ko buru! Just don't forget what I said in my earlier comment bros. As you're interpreting the scriptures... don't interpret it logically. the Holy spirit is really important. #enuf said!

      Have a wonderful day!!! + I wasn't irritated. Just surprised and a Lil crushed that my crush said all that! Looool

  9. Use your sense not your lack of money. What if the guy is spending his wife's money on you? At that point you will be double fucked after the said marriage. The fact that the guy is willing to marry you should let you know it is unlikely you will be the last wife. Also think about the contributory role you will be playing in the destruction of a marriage...

    Look for ways to empower yourself and stop settling for a bargain life because the person can pay your bills. We need to do better as women. The day the said husband doesnt have money for you and you have had 3 kids for him what are you going to do? Think and think very hard because marriage is not child's play. Many human beings lose money or wealth for extended periods of time, and wives have to pick up the slack.

  10. There's no paint of any abstract picture... This would be straightforward, go and marry the man you love. Polygamy has been there and will continue with or without you. If you happen to be a recipient of this polygamy and you are not being forced, wat are you waiting for? Go get your man babe. The first wife knows she was marrying a Muslim husband and know that there's always the likelihood of him marrying another lady.

    Btw, you really didnt have to explain your family issues. If it wasn't right, it wouldn't be right. No matter your family situation.

  11. Lol... You sound like one of my husband's girlfriends. Is your name Abi?
    If you are, don't think I do not know about you. I've just left you to God. I've prayed that you'd find a husband like I have. That you will know the happiness of finding a life partner like I have. And for the role you played in my marriage, may God pay you back a hundred fold.
    Do you know where we started from?
    Do you know the sacrifices I've made?
    Do you know the setbacks I've taken, all in the name of honoring an oath I made infront of God and man?
    Do you know the things I deny myself all so that this man can succeed?

    For every night I stayed up crying at the futility of my situation, may God repay you back with a thousand such nights.
    For every minute you took my husband away from me, and denied my children their father, may God repay you back with an hour.
    May God make my betrayal story the only story of your life.
    Only then can you begin to have an iota of an idea as to what you've done.
    You think you've found a prized catch, but you don't realize that my prayers and my support is what is bringing out the man you think you know. Maybe you both truly deserve each other.

    I know posters will ask why I'm still sticking around knowing what I know. It's hope.
    Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that because God does not give half blessings and I know the man I prayed for, the father I prayed for for my children, and the life I prayed to live; that God will perfect the good works that he has started in me. Hope that I will make heaven and guide my children right on their journey to heaven as well.

    Dear wishful thinker, you are not my problem, and that is why I have chosen to ignore you. Like I said, you are only one of many, and in the grand scheme of things a lesser worry. Don't mistake my silence for compliance or ignorance.

    And for those quoting "muslims can marry 4 wives". Please, do not talk about that which you know not.

    Quran 4:129 - And you will never be able to be equal [in feeling] between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah - then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.

    1. Mtschewwwww! Abeggiiii! Run far! So wat are we meant to do with dis useless comment madam prayer warrior cum good wife? huh? ur last islamic quote just betrayed u. it shows u don't even undastnd wat ur koran says. @Uyi has said it all, u married a mulsim so expect multiple marriages and STFU! wat do u prefer?? a sidechick 2 ur hubby or a wife?? Can't deal with dull brains abegiii!! am out!!

    2. Your post displays great ignorance. And you say this authoritatively because?
      You think you are in a better position to know about my religion?
      Have you even looked at a Quran before.
      What do you even know about marriage and the sacrifices women make?
      This blog is full of people with positive contributions to make to each other.
      Go back and read that passage over and over again until you start to comprehend it. Otherwise, keep quiet and stop talking about what you do not know.
      If you have nothing constructive to add, then stay off the post.
      I bet your profile is single, christian and religiously intolerant.
      Shame on you.


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