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Kolade & Stacy. (The Right Time).




Kolade met Stacy two months ago. It was instant attraction from the get go and after some pursuit it seemed Stacy liked him too. After talking a couple of times they had their first date which went really well. A week later they went on another and a couple of days later they went to see a movie together. They were having a good time in each other's company and Kolade began to see Stacy as more than just a friend. 

During a very long talk late one night, Stacy finally admitted to Kolade that she also had feelings for him and really enjoyed being in his company. This delighted Kolade and he suggested they go on a date the next night. 
      When their dinner came he said to her; "I really like you Stace and I was very happy to hear you feel the same way. You're single, I'm single, I see no reason why we shouldn't be together?". Finally, Kolade was asking her out. It was the moment she had waited for all these weeks, it was also the moment she had dreaded all this time. "Nothing would make me happier Kay, but before I say yes, there's something you need to know... I I I'm waiting until marriage". She could see the light in his eyes fade into a vacant stare. The minute that followed was leaden with silence that was too loud. "You wouldn't believe that my boss thinks Kunle should head our latest project. Kunle! That scatter brain!" He chuckled suddenly, simultaneously breaking the awkward silence and changing the topic. Stacy was taken aback by the swift deviation but resigned herself to his new choice of topic. The rest of the night was filled with forced laughter and more awkward silences, and then it came to an abrupt end when Stacy announced she needed to head home, much to Kolade's relief. Kolade dropped her off and didn't call her for weeks. When he finally did, he did so just as a "friend" and just to check up on her. 

Stacy never heard from him after that. 


***
Kolade insists that he really liked Stacy but feels that she should have told him about her "values" the moment they started getting close, after the first date or during the second date at the latest. She should have let him know and given him the opportunity to decide what he wanted to do, instead of allowing them both to build affection and develop feelings, knowing fully well that they might not be on the same page. He resents that idea that he was only interested in taking Stacy to bed, but strongly feels she deceived him and led him on. 

Stacy says she has heard that it's best not to tell a guy about her decision to wait till marriage until she's sure of where they are both headed. She says that telling them earlier on might help weed the bad ones out, BUT it has also driven many guys away without even giving them the chance to get to know her, enough to decide if they actually like her as a person or not. This is besides the fact that she assumes it's personal and not something she should share until they get to a certain level. 
*


When is the best time to tell the other person that sex is off the cards until marriage? Also if you've ever been in a situation similar to the above, please weigh in by all means! (Ps, the post addresses both virginity and celibacy/abstinence). 




Comments

  1. Personally, I tell them once it's obvious the 'likeness' is mutual fah....i mean if I don't send the guy,then I ain't telling him anything. Experience has shown me that when you tell him doesnt matter, if he has a problem with 'sex is off the card',he still will whether you notify him during the 1st date or fifth date.

    For all the stacy's out there,i feel your pain but trust me if you hang in there,yes it will take a while but u will meet that guy that would wait with you.

    It seems I wrote an epistle this afternoon, I hope I made sense sha. Summary,if sex is off the cards,please tell him as early as possible.....my two cents.

    ReplyDelete
  2. *he would still have a problem with it

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't feel she did wrong. I'll let you know beforehand so you understand what you're getting yourself into. If you're willing to stay, fine. Procrastination on that piece of information doesn't guarantee his staying or leaving, his personal beliefs, principles and tolerance( endurance and understanding) will.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And welcome back Thelms.....i missed you lawts

    ReplyDelete
  5. And welcome back Thelms.....i missed you lawts

    ReplyDelete
  6. Welcome back Thelma.... Hope you had a nice time. Good to have your back.

    I will read and comment later.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think Stacy's timing was perfect. The point is to let him see "you" and fall for you and then decide if u are worth the wait.
    Kolade didn't really leave cos of when she told him, he probably left her because sex in a relationship is very important to him.( that's the way some people are wired)
    On 1 of d episodes of B430(ebony life tv) one of the girls met a man she was quite attracted to and the relationship was moving smoothly, when they got to d sex part HE told her that he's celibate and intends to stay that way. It was strange to her but she accepted it because to her, the guy is worth it. So Stacy just has to find someone who thinks she's worth waiting for.
    *epistle writers I hail o, it's not easy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apt comment.

      I feel there was nothing wrong with Stacy's timing. She made her principles clear at the start of the proposed dating process, what more could be wrong with her timing? Kolade's excuse that she waited till he developed feelings doesn't just hold water. developing feelings is one thing, acting on those feelings is another. It'd have been way more awkward if she declared her stance on virginity/celibacy before he acted on his 'developed feelings' by asking her out.

      And as Chioma mentioned, if it was so important to him, why didn't he make his stance on sex clear before he asked her out. What information was he gleaning from her during those date events that he forgot to ask about his sexual needs? I can't be certain that he was only interested in taking Stacy to bed, but one thing is clear, he was more interested in taking her to bed.

      I'd say this, it is difficult if not impossible, to know and objectively assess another person when sex is involved. (Wo)Man is not just a logical being, (s)he is also an emotional being. I strongly feel the best time is when the formal relationship is about to begin i.e. when the guy asks the girl out or vice versa. If there isn't any formal asking out, then sometime during the budding stage of the dating process.

      Delete
  8. The guy is angry because she doesnt wanna share her ovaries with him. Tell it at the time you feel comfortable - beginning, 5th date or 100th date.

    The guy should grow up. Same way he wouldn't tell her he has a small penis on the first date.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. Stacy timing was right,why is the guy angry thou ,he should grow up

    ReplyDelete
  10. Does anyone know what it means to dream that you are pregnant?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Kemi. I've heard some theories, some good, some not-so-good. I don't know which I believe or which I don't. But I think if it wasn't a one off, ie it's a recurring dream or you have similar dreams, then I'd say you shouldn't ignore it. However if it was a one off then it was probably just your imagination. Perhaps you've been thinking about pregancy? Or watched a movie with a pregnant woman recently? etc. Another thing to put into consideration is other things that happened in the dream.

      Delete
  11. Anonymous Rider!5:04 pm, June 22, 2015

    As soon as you feel comfortable spilling, But not when you have settled in bed and are making out. Thats murder and he may rape you.#
    By the way Welcome Thelma and what do we do about selecting wine soup cake before we can comment, It's pretty exhausting. do look into it. thank u.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Never really thought about it. I always tell them at the beginning to avoid stories. Its one of the things I happen to do without thinking it through.

    Like some people mentioned,the guy is just pained that he won't get to hit it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lmaoo @ "Same way he wouldn't tell her he has a small penis on the first date" abi oo!!!

    Why should I tell you about my decision to remain celibate or remain a virgin till marriage... that's not something you start a conversation about out of the blues. Abi?
    At what point did he expect her to drop the "bombshell".. is Kolade serious right now? You've not said anything about relationship and you expect her to just start giving you personal details?! What is wrong with the men of these days sef?! Mstchew! I jus tire abeg! He was obviously looking for a fu*k buddy cuz why would someone waiting till marriage be a problem or why would you feel scammed?! I just don't gerrit mehn! Like i'm honestly confused.

    Uyi oya come o.... u always have an explanation for everything... pls come and sa'laye(explain)

    *not about the post*
    Shout out to miss pynk and sunshine! I got to watch a play @ terrakulture yesterday because of them. #singleingidi
    I probably would never have thought to go to a place like terrakulture if not for them(*side eyes* to anyone that thinks i'm a bush/ijebu/ibadan geh!) And it has opened my eyes to lots of things i'm missing out on in this lagos... *chai! like a lot* anyway... I had a good time *shines teeth*
    Thanks guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See a play? Watch a play??? Arrrh! I hate proof reading my comments! I always see somfn wrong! Mstchew!


      Meanwhile... I feel like I forgot a very important person's birthday on this bloog! I pray and hope that I didn't! Cuz ehn! I just hope not!!!!!

      Delete
  15. Miss Pynk and sunshine wen are u guys heading my way??
    Tee are u sure ur not Stace??? Hehhheeeee Lemmi run before Tee come n catch me

    ReplyDelete
  16. This sex thing is getting stale for me. Everybody is worshipping sex everywhere. By the celibates and sex-hungry ones. Can we just see sex for what it is and move on? If I'm in a relationship with you and we feel like having sex, do we have to act like we don't want it?

    If we don't want sex, then fine. If one wants it more than the other, you guys come to a compromise. If it doesn't result to that then you part ways and find that Woman or Man that suits you.

    The way we talk too much about sex and all. If it was listed in the stock market, its definitely gonna be on top of the market every week.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "...He resents that idea that he was only interested in taking Stacy to bed, but strongly feels she deceived him and led him on...".

    In as much as Kolade doesn't sound uninterested in sex, I'm with him on this. Laying your *value cards* on the table much further into a relationship could be viewed as disrespectful because it clearly shows you've figured out your partner way before he/she had the chance to fully express himself/herself. I would feel a little bit insulted if such a thing happened to me. I mean, after building up such strong emotions between us that could possibly lead to the alter, you're now telling me you're celibate or a virgin? You clearly placed me on a common pedestal with (Nigerian) men and that wasn't nice. I have a high regard for celibates but, biko, let's hear your values on day 1, not day 365.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree with you partly on this one, Nigerian guys get as dem dey think! If she tells him on day 1, they guy might turn around and accuse her of trying to paint him black and by that I mean he could go, 'do you think I want to sleep with you?' something in that neighbourhood of thought....am I makin sense?.......#JoyDaNuGirl

      Delete

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