One of my close friends is single. Our friendship is easy because there are certain similarities in our situations, and we're both hungry. Hungry for different things however. Less than a year ago her hunger lay within the work/career confines, now I don't hear any of that anymore, she wants to marry. We're quite open with each other. A few weeks back we were talking about things. I dismissively said "marriage is the last thing on my mind", she immediately replied "it's the first thing on mine. Me I want to marry soon abeg". In the last few months I've listened to her talk wistfully about marriage, there's this glint in her eyes when she talks about former classmates now married. I've tried to hear her reasons out and so far what I gather is she wants to marry because we're at that age, because our mates are all getting married, because it's the natural progression of things, because she'd expected that by now she would be married... Basically the same reasons most people our age have. But I don't think they're "valid" enough.
I should want this more! I can't even bring myself to pray about it. Like when I say my prayers and I pray about a husband I feel like I'm wasting God's time. Suddenly the fervor leaves my voice and the fire leaves my heart, I'm just going through the motions, praying about marriage because that's what a single thirty year old woman ought to do.
A while back I set time aside for a retreat with God. Erniesha Tibs patted my back, saying yes do pray, and pray about that husband. Tibs is young, early/mid twenties, and married to an amazing guy. I adore that couple! But I confessed to her that I didn't intend to. "Why?" she asked. "It's just not what's 'doing' me now Tibs, I need to get certain things sorted first. There are more pressing issues in my life. I need for this this and that to happen first". She urged me to pray still, saying that I could pray for all those things to come; praying for a husband and getting one wouldn't stop the others from happening. I completely agree with her. Still...
My burning desires lay elsewhere. Or maybe having never been in a long term relationship the concept of forever eludes me like smoke through a net.
Or perhaps I hunger for love and on some level I fear that marriage is the ruination of love...
I read a comment, a valid reason in my honest opinion, finally; because everybody wants someone they can come home to at night and share their lives, dreams and aspirations with. True. But that's love, not marriage. Marriage does not guarantee that. I just need to know why I should pray and fast for a husband, that's all.
When I read your comments on the blog; Tiwa and her fiancé, Tolulope and her hubster, Miss Pynk and her Mr, and all the lovers... I'm filled with butterflies and longing. I want I want I WANT mine! I want to love and be loved. But none of these card-carrying marriage propagandists ever talk about love; it's just MARRY! Why?
So tell me, why is Single bad? Don't tell me about age. Don't tell me about society. Tell me what makes it so bad that someone in a marriage quite worse than hellfire would still have the temerity to pity me for being single. Tell me why that woman in an abusive marriage with an unrepentant cheat feels superior to single women. Tell me why that woman's accomplishments meant nothing because she's not married. Tell me why they urge Toke to take Maje back, not because she still loves him, not because forgiveness is godly, not because he publicly denounced the sidechic while publicly declaring his love for Toke, but because "single is bad". Tell me why.
While this post might wrongly read as irritable and defensive, this is also an opening for those who know and those in it, to tell me the many wondrous joys of marriage, the beautiful things about it, and what what and what I'm missing. Believe me, I itch to know.
One of the most fascinating comments I've seen on Bella Naija is "As for me, I just want to marry and procreate, as expected of me by society. Nothing more nothing less". It was magnificent in its simplicity and honesty.
Single ladies, I'm asking this because I'm suddenly very curious; why do you want to get married?