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Single Is Bad.




One of my close friends is single. Our friendship is easy because there are certain similarities in our situations, and we're both hungry. Hungry for different things however. Less than a year ago her hunger lay within the work/career confines, now I don't hear any of that anymore, she wants to marry. We're quite open with each other. A few weeks back we were talking about things. I dismissively said "marriage is the last thing on my mind", she immediately replied "it's the first thing on mine. Me I want to marry soon abeg". In the last few months I've listened to her talk wistfully about marriage, there's this glint in her eyes when she talks about former classmates now married. I've tried to hear her reasons out and so far what I gather is she wants to marry because we're at that age, because our mates are all getting married, because it's the natural progression of things, because she'd expected that by now she would be married... Basically the same reasons most people our age have. But I don't think they're "valid" enough. 

I should want this more! I can't even bring myself to pray about it. Like when I say my prayers and I pray about a husband I feel like I'm wasting God's time. Suddenly the fervor leaves my voice and the fire leaves my heart, I'm just going through the motions, praying about marriage because that's what a single thirty year old woman ought to do. 
     A while back I set time aside for a retreat with God. Erniesha Tibs patted my back, saying yes do pray, and pray about that husband. Tibs is young, early/mid twenties, and married to an amazing guy. I adore that couple! But I confessed to her that I didn't intend to. "Why?" she asked. "It's just not what's 'doing' me now Tibs, I need to get certain things sorted first. There are more pressing issues in my life. I need for this this and that to happen first". She urged me to pray still, saying that I could pray for all those things to come; praying for a husband and getting one wouldn't stop the others from happening. I completely agree with her. Still...

My burning desires lay elsewhere. Or maybe having never been in a long term relationship the concept of forever eludes me like smoke through a net. 

Or perhaps I hunger for love and on some level I fear that marriage is the ruination of love...

I read a comment, a valid reason in my honest opinion, finally; because everybody wants someone they can come home to at night and share their lives, dreams and aspirations with. True. But that's love, not marriage. Marriage does not guarantee that. I just need to know why I should pray and fast for a husband, that's all. 

When I read your comments on the blog; Tiwa and her fiancé, Tolulope and her hubster, Miss Pynk and her Mr, and all the lovers... I'm filled with butterflies and longing. I want I want I WANT mine! I want to love and be loved. But none of these card-carrying marriage propagandists ever talk about love; it's just MARRY! Why? 

So tell me, why is Single bad? Don't tell me about age. Don't tell me about society. Tell me what makes it so bad that someone in a marriage quite worse than hellfire would still have the temerity to pity me for being single. Tell me why that woman in an abusive marriage with an unrepentant cheat feels superior to single women. Tell me why that woman's accomplishments meant nothing because she's not married. Tell me why they urge Toke to take Maje back, not because she still loves him, not because forgiveness is godly, not because he publicly denounced the sidechic while publicly declaring his love for Toke, but because "single is bad". Tell me why.


***
While this post might wrongly read as irritable and defensive, this is also an opening for those who know and those in it, to tell me the many wondrous joys of marriage, the beautiful things about it, and what what and what I'm missing. Believe me, I itch to know. 

One of the most fascinating comments I've seen on Bella Naija is "As for me, I just want to marry and procreate, as expected of me by society. Nothing more nothing less". It was magnificent in its simplicity and honesty. 

Single ladies, I'm asking this because I'm suddenly very curious; why do you want to get married?

Comments

  1. I know being single is your current reality but ???
    This topic has been dealt with in so many variations on this blog that I fail to see what knew info can reasonably be unearthed.
    Anyway, good luck with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just curious,do u have this same mindset when u go to church every sunday for the same message uve been hearing since ur days in sunday skl?
      Yes,you're entitled to ur opinion and I'm also entitled to an opinion of ur opinion...lol

      Delete
    2. Hmmmm, Thelma, this Anon 10:47 is someone you know, he/she is probably in your circle of friends, I suggest your prayer point should also. Include- God rid my life of bad-belle friends.

      This is one "pained and Jelox" fellow.

      Delete
    3. Hmmmm, Thelma, this Anon 10:47 is someone you know, he/she is probably in your circle of friends, I suggest your prayer point should also. Include- God rid my life of bad-belle friends.

      This is one "pained and Jelox" fellow.

      Delete
    4. Lols,i thought so...

      Delete
    5. Hmmmm, Thelma, this Anon 10:47 is someone you know, he/she is probably in your circle of friends, I suggest your prayer point should also. Include- God rid my life of bad-belle friends.

      This is one "pained and Jelox" fellow.

      Delete
    6. Hahahahaha,Clare biko hapukene ndi amosu. They are always fighting a lost battle.

      Delete
  2. T whether you want to get married now or not doesn't mean u shouldnt pray for ur hubby! Heck I prayed for my children even before I had a boyfriend and I'm still praying for the future ones...my mum always says pray so u don't have to pray, If u get the gist.

    Love and marriage to me o goes hand in hand. I would never have gotten married if I wasn't completely inlove with my husband.
    I wasn't desperate to get married when I got married, I was just 26 so it wasn't do or die. But I found someone I chose not to live without. He makes me a better person in everyway. Only been married 2 and half years so maybe I'm still young in it but I still crave every part of him.
    I never spend one minute extra at work if I can help it because I can't wait to get home to see him.
    If he goes out I stay awake for him to get bk not because I don't trust him cus I completely do but because I sleep better with him next to me.

    I understand marriage is not for everyone and some people also get married for different reasons but I got married because I knew He was my final destination, he is a fine specimen of a man and he continues to prove himself worthy.

    Yes great marriages are not just thrust on you, great marriages are MADE..... With love, hard work and God's grace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. I picked that one too, wise words from mothers.... This your marriage sounds like heaven, I wish it was like that for everyone.

      Delete
    4. God bless your home Tolulope! Wise words from mama

      Delete
    5. 'I know marriage is not for everyone...' Now that's some truth right there!

      Delete
  3. Let me tell you why the abused woman feels better than you. When she limps into a supermarket, she is respected and called madam. When her bruised knuckles are on the steering, men won't mess with her because a man will come fight for her. You on the other hand, will be called aunty. If you're out at night, you'll be called the 'A' word.

    I didn't marry until I was 35. I believed I would marry in my 40s. I stopped thinking about it and lived my life. I was educated and working. This made me intimidating to a lot of men. I wasn't prepared to marry a man I would take care of. At that age, I knew who I was, what I wanted and was willing to tolerate. You ask why? Because we are in Nigeria. If you lived in Sweden, no one will care. But in Nigeria it matters.

    I wasn't in love when I married. I met someone with whom I shared similar values. It's the little things that tells you about someone's character. Once the wedding band came on, I became 'madam'. When the children came, I became 'mummy'. There's something else which you need to be perceptive to feel; body language. I'm treated differently. That is the reason women stay.

    You're unmarried. Does that make you evil? Have you killed someone? Will you give someone a drink of cold water on a hot day? Live your life. Love yourself and your family. Be kind (not stupid) to others. Your man will stand next to you. Go have a cup of coffee. And every day, strive to be a better person. That's what I do.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeps,same sentiments I share. When u reach a particular age as a lady,u don't really marry for love (and all them butterfly feelings) but for maturity,mutual respect and better consciousness of who u are and what u want for urself and from ur spouse.
      Love can come along the way but ur tolerance level for bullshit drastically diminishes...

      Delete
    2. Personally I don't think any1 shld be given reasons to do anything especially wen u don't want to, especially wen u have a choice to remain married or single... We shld all make choices for reasons best understood by us, not becos of Toke n Maje, or bcos of the abused or even becos of the hapilly married with all d butterflies that come with it!

      Delete
  4. Today u want to get married, tomorrow u dont want to get married, this topic...same ol' same ol'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like seriously, I get tired of the wistful vibe of this blog sometimes, its depressing and defeated and full of cliché articles, its a freaking loop of mood swings.

      Delete
    2. THEN STAY AWAY

      Delete
    3. I get you @anon 9.38, madam T and her mood swings and @anon caps lock, we are all entitled to our opinions. So please take a seat ___/. Noone insulted anyone here.

      Delete
    4. "Mikey" continue to deceive yourself. STAY AWAY. SIMPLE

      Delete
  5. Single is not bad. It can be great. Just as being married can be amazing. Life is what you make of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly life is what you make of it in any circumstance u find yourself

      Delete
  6. Thelma, please pray, pray ahead of time towards the wonderful spouse of your dreams.

    Your prayer today is an investment for to$orrow. You are basically sowing seeds.
    Be enthusiastic and desirous about what you need and want.

    Marriage isn't perfect but it is a wonderful thing when the man is the right one.

    I have had days when I wished I was single, but despite the challenges and issues, I can still say it's worth it.
    However, as a woman, never lose your individuality just because you are a MRS.

    ReplyDelete
  7. To all the "complainants" I eagerly await your contributions and submissions. Until then biko manage my recycled variations.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Personally I don't think any1 shld be given reasons to do anything especially wen u don't want to, especially wen u have a choice to remain married or single... We shld all make choices for reasons best understood by us, not becos of Toke n Maje, or bcos of the abused or even becos of the hapilly married with all d butterflies that come with it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Na wa oh.

    Thelma as for wanting to marryor not its your call. Forget the Nigeria bit- we wont come live with you in misery or prosperity...that is your cross alone to bear.

    As for marriage - i was extremely big on sharing my life with someone consistent - meaning it could have been a long term boyfriend or commin law partnership. I didn't want to have to relive my life experiences over and over every few years.

    I met my husband after i had "expired"- 31- by Nigerian standards and to be frank he gave me one big thing - peace of mind. Not butterflies in the stomach or anything, but because he struck me as someone that was upright, knew the right things to do and was willing to do them accordingly. He also gave me a very relaxed friendship that was dependable from a human standpoint (he is not God, so there is room for shortcomings) -within reason.

    My husband gave me added peace of mind and a sense of stability and dependability. For me anyone that can provide all that in addition to what i have within myself is a hero. I love my husband not in the OMG i am so excited kind of way, but in the "he makes sure we thrive as a unit and is responsible". I have less worries being married than i did being single.

    I sleep better at night as I am convinced God aligned the stars for my union. After a year in my complaints are very few. So i chose to ignore them and focus on the building of a lifetime of togetherness.

    Also your spouse is the best person to "play cassette for" (gossip with).

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Most single person will find every reason under the sun to justify being single. Even God made Eve as a companion for Adam. Yes there are devious people out there, Yes it’s hard to know who to trust …………but the more I listen to supposed educated people rant on about their reasons, I get the feeling that they think God didn’t know what he was doing with Adam & Eve. If you have never loved then you will never know, there is always power in the words from one’s tongue most especially when we prophesize negatively.
    As a single man I had everything any guy could wish for but I craved companionship more than ever and God blessed me with a wonderful wife. I prayed and I received. Life is short and I won’t trade one year of freedom/ independence as a single man with an hour of outer chaos and laughter with my kids.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thelma, truth is this topic is over flogged. Most, if not every woman wants to get married. It is just about meeting the right person. I am in my mid 20s and all my friends and I talk about now is marriage and babies, work and business investments aside. Just pray God sends you a good man and stop the it's not doing me thing. Right now I am in a relationship, it's not d butterflies in the belly kind, but someone who is an achiever, dependable and tries to make me happy. All those couples you mentioned above you think their marriage is a bed of roses? You have to both want to make it work. No man is perfect, neither are you. Just PRAY and believe, and stop calling negativity to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You both have to# negativity upon

      Delete
    2. My question is, must Thelma or anyone get married?
      Keyword;MUST

      Thing is I believed Thelma has a very very very strong personality and it will only take an even stronger personality to get her home(dats if she doesn't chicken out because she now feels too small at that point #justsaying)

      Or she can follow the Kris Jenner way by having a boy-toy. Lol

      Either ways, I don't count getting married as more important than having kids.

      Delete
    3. La effizy, I get your point especially about the negative statements but even apostle Paul's reason for recommending marriage for anyone is "if you can't hold yourself". I honestly do not think that marriage is for everyone. That's not to say I don't want to get married or anything. What I'm saying is, if Thelma says she doesn't want to get married, she's not cursing herself, as far as she knows herself and sees that the institution is not for her, good for her.

      I do think though, that she does want to get married but sometimes, all the unsolicited pressure gets to her and she just feels like "to hell with this nonsense jare" I can do without it. So Tee, don't let the pressure get to you.

      And to the various "anonymouses", your input is well appreciated but approach is very key. Then again, the hate vibe coming off of some of y'all is palpable. For those ones, its really not compulsory to read the blog, just don't open the page.

      Delete

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