The past few days have been a blur. I really wish I could recount in words, I've tried and I've failed. Each time I put fingertip to keypad I rustle up something that comes out halfway pathetic&pitiful, and halfway confusing. So I decided not to post for a bit, till I could get out of that cloudy area.
I was to return to Lagos yesterday, and I desperately wanted to go back. You see, I left town with lofty plans for my mental and emotional wellbeing. I thought taking time away would really help. I thought taking myself away from the environment would mean leaving my fears and worries there. Unfortunately your thoughts aren't one of the things you easily shove into the recesses of a shelf and leave behind. Those relentless buggers came on my trip with me and threatened to ruin it.
Also, I'd thought I would be with that friend who once made everything ok, just by being there. But as I looked at the friend I peeked into a house and saw that no one was home. Our friendship is vacant, it's barren, it's bare. Who would have thunk it, that my sister of yesterday would become today's stranger? And as I struggled to find enough words to make up a sentence, to say to someone whom I once felt 24 hours in a day weren't enough for me to spend with her, I realized that maybe all good things really do come to an end.
I found myself wishing she was a lover. At least then I could lay my grievances and say "Bae, what's wrong with us? This isn't the way we used to be. What went wrong and how can we fix it?". Unfortunately with a sister those words would sound very gay. It doesn't help that I'm one to often wear my heart on my sleeves and bare my mind, while she's one (I recently learned... Strange, the new things we learn about old friends) to keep it all bottled in and act like everything's ok.
I'm no quitter but I gave up. Maybe one day we'll get back to being us again. For now she's got issues way bigger than friendship. I've also got issues way bigger than friendship. Someday maybe...
So I went and missed my flight and I found myself back in room 405, just hours after I'd said sayonara and bade them farewell. Restless, I started to scroll through my contacts, surely I must have other friends in this town. And failing that, surely I must have blog readers in this town. Hopefully at least one of them wouldn't mind having a drink with me... Then, I saw his name, and he lives here too!
Immediately I called he dragged himself up and came to come see me. This is the first time we would sit and talk like this since 2004. I knew he was mad about me, unfortunately I'd overestimated myself and his feelings for me. How can I explain the crushing devastation when I saw that he was giving himself to another...
Still, we met this evening and caught up (pictures above), a pleasant evening I must say. You know real friendship when you haven't seen someone in 11 years and you guys instantly pick up where you left off (sans the emotions and feelings), like 11 years is merely 11 days.
As I got back into my room realization dawned on me. It was the answer to a question I've asked tons of times. Is attraction really important? Must there be (mutual) attraction before a relationship stands a chance of working? Recent experiences have taught me that attraction isn't all it's hyped to be, and isn't as important as you would think. Some things trump attraction; compatibility, mutual affection, personality, happiness... I think once you have an open mind and genuinely begin to like or love someone (it's actually a choice), attraction often creeps in without you even knowing. At least that has been my testimony these last few months.
I got to thinking about the great relationships that I aborted in the fetal stage, just because I'd misguidedly thought that first there must be attraction before all else follow. How many did I allow to get away; three, five, ten?
But... This post really isn't about the one(s) that got away. Of course if you want to share with us about that one person you regret letting go, I'd be more than glad to hear it. This post is essentially to touch base. I've been out of sync with everything and everyone. I hope you have been fine and life is treating you well. What's new with you? Talk to me.