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Thin Line Between Honest & Stupid.



The woman (a family friend) introduced a junior colleague (they both work in the same firm) to one of her clients who was looking to settle down quickly in marriage. He didn't want a long engagement. They both took to each other immediately and true to his words they got engaged after a three month courtship. They followed it up with an introduction; a small event between both families. Two weeks ago they went to take some medical tests. They already knew each other's Genotype and are compatible but an official confirmation was needed. On their way home, he began to preach about the importance of honesty in a relationship. 
He went on to reveal that two of his ex-girlfriends had abortions for him. He then asked her if she has ever had an abortion. He assured her that he wouldn't mind if the answer is YES after all his exes are married with children. She admitted to having terminated a pregnancy at 19 but it was a safe abortion.
To her surprise, he took the revelation well. Everything was the same until last week when his attitude suddenly changed. He stopped calling her, picking her calls, ignored her BBM messages. Even his older brother and two sisters whom she had become close to also began to avoid her. To cut the long story short, he called off the engagement because he doesn't want to marry a girl that has had an abortion.
My family friend(the matchmaker) is furious but mainly because of what she termed the girl's 'naivety' and 'stupidity'. Who admits to such things? she asked. Was the girl really naïve and stupid? Was she just being honest about her medical history?


***
This was originally posted on Linda Ikeji's blog. I feel sorry for the lady this happened to, but how many times must I sing it, f**k full disclosure!!! MEN JUDGE! I know I just sounded very stereotypical but I'm sorry, I'm telling what experience/research/observations have taught me. He may not judge you today but fifteen years from now he just might spring up that dirt from your past which even you had forgotten about. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. 

I had this convo with my girlfriends once and the doctor among us said; "full disclosure is important because when you withhold some things like abortion then get married and cannot get pregnant, you guys now both go to see a doctor, he runs some tests and discovers the fault must be from a carelessly done evacuation. Then he confronts you about. How do you know face your husband when you either lied about having an abortion, or never told him about it/them ?" She says they see several situations like this in Practice. 

Honestly, inasmuch as I'm pro-non full disclosure, Sandra's statement gave me chills. It's a very valid question. So 1 for Full Disclosure, 0 for Non-Full Disclosure. Or what do you think?

And back to the poster's question; Was the girl really naïve and stupid? Was she just being honest about her medical history? Would you have told the truth, believing that love demands honesty and holds no judgment, or would you have conveniently chosen to forget that procedure and told a lie?


Comments

  1. Disclose that which needs disclosure and do it with wisdom. Otan. This one the guy was looking for a reason to back out abeg. How many women marry their husbands with fertility issues and the husbands follow them to wherever - to do whatever it takes to have kids. Please not everyone runs at the sight of potential drama. The guy didnt really care for her.

    www.pynk360.com

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  2. She wasn't stupid, in my opinion it takes a lot to tell such a bare faced lie, it is not a do or die affair abeg. As for the man,two women committed abortion for him,but he wants a "pure" wife, karma is sitting on top of his head, forgetting that there are no guarantees in this life. He can marry a virgin sef with fertility issues.

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  3. She dodged a bullet

    The guy is totally unreliable so even if she had lied or evaded the abortion question,another issue would have cropped up and he still would have dumped her

    Seriously, the level of double standards in the world is alarming...Dude had two ladies abort for him yet he doesn't want to marry a lady who has had abortion......If All men were like him,then noone would marry those ladies

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  4. She dodged a bullet!!! Take it or leave it!

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  5. That man doesn't deserve her,she should be happy he left her....so if the marriage proper had taken place and he found out then thats how he will leave her abi....Coconut Brain

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  6. The guy should take severally seats. Please let him go??. He is not meant for her. Who leaves a woman because she confessed of committing abortion??. Let him go, if he stays, something in future will break this relationship. Let him keep searching.

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  7. I don't think she was stupid or naive,if I was the oneI wouldn't disclose to him as long as am sure there were no complications. The guy would have even left even though she lied to him, he was just looking for a way to back out of the relationship.

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  8. SMH for my fellow men, the way he innocently inquired carefully hiding his captious mind. Hypocrite

    as for the question, I do prefer full disclosure because I'll do the same.

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  9. The lady did the right thing. It's important to let your partner know EVERYTHING about ur medical history, all others you might choose to be diplomatic about not the medical part. That guy is just a boy, he is not ready for marriage o jare. Let me go and have a nap in the Atlantic ocean...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh!!... worrapened? Abeg come back

      Delete
  10. In the circumstance, she wasn't stupid; the guy was just silly in my opinion. I wouldn't be surprised if the tale of his 2 exes who had abortions for him was a falsehood told just to extract the truth from the lady. Some guys are that silly. They forget that being a virgin-bride doesn't even guarantee fertility.

    When it comes to disclosure, I would only disclose issues I think may affect us in the future or issues I'm certain cannot stay hidden and could impact our union. Truly, a lot of men judge and blackmail their wives.

    -F

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  11. She did nothing wrong . Honesty is best but sometimes men can't handle the truth. Be honest but be wise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You say be honest... but be wise.

      Being honest is being honest. Plain and simple.
      I don't understand the kinds of relationships people are building these days. What's the point?

      10% disclosure = being dishonest
      99% disclosure = being dishonest
      100 % disclosure = being honest.

      It is that simple.... maybe i'm being naive or my opinion lacks experience and understanding... but I just feel there's no point being with someone I can't share everything iv ever done with.

      Believe me, there are things I have done or that has happened to me that i'm not proud of... only sunshine knows. and the other person that'll know would be my husband. If I can't share them with you, then sorry, Why are we here? Like it is that simple.
      This is my opinion anyway....

      Delete
    2. Your opinion is right dear but like I said be wise. You'll understand in the near future.

      Delete
    3. Ps in no way am I encouraging anyone to be dishonest with their partners because I am not . All I'm saying is be wise in picking a partner you can trust with your personal truths.

      Delete
    4. "All I'm saying is be wise in picking a partner you can trust with your personal truths"

      Thank you for summing it up for me.

      Delete
    5. "All I'm saying is be wise in picking a partner you can trust with your personal truths"

      Thank you for summing it up for me.

      Delete
  12. The lady did the right thing. It's important to let your partner know EVERYTHING about ur medical history, all others you might choose to be diplomatic about not the medical part. That guy is just a boy, he is not ready for marriage o jare. Let me go and have a nap in the Atlantic ocean...

    ReplyDelete
  13. No the girl was naïve or stupid,her only crime was dating that guy.

    ReplyDelete
  14. She did the right the, the truth is she never really got to know the man she was about to marry.

    Men, (some men) can't handle the truth. They want a saint for a wife, after riding gazillion chics out there.

    disclose what you must regarding very key issues. Some things are better kept unsaid.

    It takes an unusual man to love his wife despite her past. I know guys (rich ones) that married "runs babe" and they knew that these chics were into all sorts.

    He ain't ready for marriage abeg. Good ridance

    ReplyDelete
  15. She did the right the, the truth is she never really got to know the man she was about to marry.

    Men, (some men) can't handle the truth. They want a saint for a wife, after riding gazillion chics out there.

    disclose what you must regarding very key issues. Some things are better kept unsaid.

    It takes an unusual man to love his wife despite her past. I know guys (rich ones) that married "runs babe" and they knew that these chics were into all sorts.

    He ain't ready for marriage abeg. Good ridance

    ReplyDelete
  16. If she lies to keep the man, how does she pray with the same lying tongue?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not saying I disgree with you but do you mean to say you don't lie? I think we all lie, and most of us anyways, pray.

      I disagree with all y'all; with health history and a number of other things that could affect the relationship, FULL DISCLOSURE all the way. The rest is on a "need to know" basis.

      Delete
    2. I didn't really know how she should have gone with this, which i kind of why I posed a question.
      I've had some time to think about it, and I feel in theory, it's very noble to say "full disclosure of everything i have ever done since birth. he will be my partner for life, so the sooner he knows the better." i think that's amazing if people feel that way, but not everyone has done things that they are necessarily willing to share with others, and much less, a potential spouse.
      The problem with that is two-fold:
      1) Some men already have their minds made up on what not to accept in a wife, and the moment they hear some things, will head straight for the next exit
      2) Some men think they can put up with a lot before it is thrown at them, and they suddenly realise they really cannot handle it...(by the way, this is actually human nature. we often have unknown biases hidden deep down away in us, very carefully wrapped and protected by our beliefs and values, but when an unexpected situation presents itself, our biases erupt from their dormant state, and leave even us confused... but that is a story for another day)
      So, on careful consideration, I don't know that I will call it full disclosure of solicited and unsolicited, relevant and irrelevant, just dumping everything on the guy. no, I don't think so.
      But I definitely do not subscribe to lying, because I believe the truth will set you free.
      So i think people should find a way to:
      1) Not lie (outrightly or by omission)
      2) Apply the scripture that says "wisdom is the principal thing"

      How to do that exactly, I don't know. Let's all ask God for guidance :-)

      Delete
  17. Had almost similar experience but in my own case the guy didn't state the reason for the breakup. He was just giving silly excuses why he feels the relationship can't continue. He started just like this that some ladies have had abortion for him and if i have done that too? See me sharply i agreed. Well I have learnt my lesson o. NEVER again will i disclose such to any man born of a woman. Infact i am a virgin (lol) Once bitten thrice shy

    ReplyDelete
  18. The guy is a hypocrite and also cunning and deceptive! If he was saying the 'truth' when he sed 2 ladies had had abortions 'for him' and then he turns around to treat the lady dis way then the girl should just try her best and forget him! Such people are worse than snakes!.....Abegi....#JoyDaNuGirl

    ReplyDelete
  19. That's why I tell people that 3 months is too short for courtship, at that point you guys are still acting out what you think the other person wants you to be. If they had dated for longer information like that would have been volunteered naturally if the girl felt she could trust him with such info, he would not have had to stoop so low as to lie to get the truth out of her.
    When you date a person for a certain amount of time you start to see who they really are on the inside. You can date a person for three years and not know as much as you would have known if you lived with that same person for three months.
    A girl I met once decided to download her whole past when we hadn't even started anything. I told her that next time when she sees a guy that's interested in her there are some things she should keep to herself. Till she can trust the guy enough with such information.
    Prevention is better than cure, why not live a life that you'll be proud of 10 years from now so that when you're asked some certain questions by your intended life partner you won't start shaking. And you won't have to put you or your intended in that awkward position.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Why not live a life that you'll be proud of 10 years from now so that when you're asked certain questions by your intended life partner you won't start shaking"... i'll add or need to lie by giving 10% disclosure or anything less than a 100%!

      Wooow! Steele! Now iv set my eyes on you o! See as hearts are dancing on my head the way it does when tom(in tom and jerry) sees a hot female cat. Looool!

      Delete
  20. "Prevention is better than cure, why not live a life that you'll be proud of 10 years from now so that when you're asked some certain questions by your intended life partner you won't start shaking. And you won't have to put you or your intended in that awkward position."
    ^This is the summary of the matter.

    ReplyDelete

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