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The Single Woman At 30- Uru Eke.


Of course I just had to read, and share! Nollywood actress and activist, Uru Eke, has written on what life is like for the single 30+ single woman in Nigeria. She has also shared 5 coping tips for women in this 'space'. #read #enjoy #comment. 




The big 30 is symbolic with women all over the world. You find that at about that time of life, a female would have completed her education and settled into a career path.
You will also find that there is a heightened level of self-awareness; she knows who she is and what she wants. There will also be several levels of success recorded – both perceived and actual – because life will always serve each one a different buffet to pick and work with.

However, there is one thing that remains constant for a female of that age, irrespective of her race, religion and ethnicity, it is that the 

big 30 is also the big cut off on a timeline. After which it’s a bad case to remain single for any longer. Worse still, finding a good man becomes harder or a nightmare, and the chances of childbearing narrows greatly…this is the belief. No one may talk about it at the birthday party, but trust me everyone is thinking about it. How does she cope?

Every girl develops and lives with her fairy tale as soon as her imagination becomes active. For the lot, it will involve a prince charming, whom she’ll kiss with one foot flipped up in the air behind her. He’ll take her breath away, giving nothing but love. This imagination goes further, that by 30, he will surely be by her side. They will be man and wife, living happily ever after. Sadly, it doesn’t always turn out as planned.

At age 30 and beyond, even the most enlightened and patient family members may start to become agitated. There will be many questions that stem from concern: ‘When are you bringing someone home?’, ‘what about your ex boyfriend Mark’. You may hear comments like ‘You need to lower your expectations and be realistic’.

My mom dropped a new one on me recently; she asked “Uru will this marriage happen in my lifetime?” I burst out laughing and couldn’t contain myself. My mom is such a joker anyway.

There is also the societal stigma, especially in Africa. At that age, she is labeled old. People who know nothing about her may even start to fill in the blank spaces in more ways than one. Blind dates with misfits, aunties that are also biological matchmakers come to the rescue, questions like ‘Have you gone for deliverance?’ In your head you are screaming, ‘can someone make it stop?’ The family drama, in addition to what you may be dealing with personally, is no walk in the park.

There is also an emotional side to this conversation, at that age. The average girl would have had perhaps four serious relationships that didn’t end at the altar. Not forgetting the not-so-serious ones like the rebounds, flings and casual relationships. With each relationship that never quite made it, something is taken away from her. To some degree her faith in love and happy endings takes a journey downhill.

Scientific research has shown that women hit their fertility peak at about age 25, and that the quality and quantity of eggs produced by a female of age 35 halves from age 25. i.e. she will produce only 50% of the quality and quantity of eggs she did at age 25, when she hits 35. It doesn’t stop there, this will continue to diminish drastically past age 35. Further to this, even frozen eggs from women over 38 result in fewer pregnancies. Quite depressing huh? But chin up!

The dating market is also very hostile. A lot more guys may prefer to be with ladies who are under 30 – although there are still some brothers out there that want their women mature.
I’m such an advocate for exercise, because it really and truly shaves off a few years. While there is quite some awareness on how to stay young forever today, with fit fams, veg fams etc, she knows that when she looks in the mirror, a few things may have shifted, appeared or expanded compared to 5-10 years ago. It’s only natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

Then of course there comes the peer side of things. At that age, most of the females in her life (friends, family, colleagues,etc) who are in her age bracket may be married. Some of them are even way younger than she is. I have a couple of friends who got married 10 years ago. When I see them with their kids I’m dumbstruck and think that could be me but….

With this situation, there may be a constant struggle within. Yes, the lady loves them, so it’s nothing malicious; but they will always remind her, without speaking, that there is a missing piece of the puzzle in her life. Marriages are not always perfect, but she just wants her own little imperfect situation and KIDS!

At a point she may start to concede. It becomes about being sensible and true to her position, as opposed to finding true love. But it doesn’t have to be that way. For the female who is 30 years and beyond, who finds herself constantly drawn into a place of misery on account of being single, here are a few thoughts on how to cope.

Stay Positive
A positive outlook and approach is more likely to birth something positive. Speak what you want into existence, imagine the life that you want and that’s what the universe will deliver to you. I have heard some ladies suddenly conclude that true love doesn’t exist anymore. Life may have taken them to that point, but I say this, ‘Stay positive’.

Stay Occupied
There are other aspects to a fulfilled life, self development and spirituality for instance. These profitable ventures are worth your pretty mind. Do not be pre-occupied with only thoughts of love, marriage or men – they will wear you out.

Stay Beautiful
Letting yourself go is an absolute travesty at any point, needless to say that for the one seeking a better half, this cannot be over-emphasised. Be the best version of you. Chin up and stay beautiful

Be a Social Butterfly
At a sensible level, go out, meet new people, become a part of the community in ways that interest you. This is not targeted at finding a romantic partner solely, but also to make valuable friends and acquaintances.

Gratitude
Be thankful for the life that you have and all that you are blessed with. You need to find happiness and contentment from what already exists in your life. Guess what? life will never be entirely perfect but you can make the most of it.

This subject is very deep, there are many aspects to it and many solutions that are trending currently. I do not have it all figured out myself, but I love to share. Stay positive and avoid situations that will heighten the deep rooted anxiety that comes with finding this thing called ‘LOVE’.

Comments

  1. Lols...Interesting!
    Age is nothing but a number but to ur reality, age is more than just a number!
    Everyday in life is a gift to be thankful for! Change what u wdnt accept and accept what you can't change!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So true. The 5 tips are very practical too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Are men allowed to comment on this?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmmmmmm, I wonder what being thirty would look like for me. I pray to be married before then because I can't withstand pressure.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rolling my eyes
    Getting tired of all this marriage, age talks

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Beautiful piece. adding to this would be an injustice to a perfect article.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think women place too much focus on 30....as a member of the over 30 club, for me life and my strongest sense of self began at thirty. The dating market is not remotely hostile unless you make it hostile...i had more suitors at 31 than i did at 25.

    Keep your mind right - define tourself and make no apologies for it. Face your life ...focus on your career and be about something....excercise your body, mind and soul...those are the thigs that make you attractive or unattractive..people are attracted to confidence.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete

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