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A Woman's Place. His Big Ego. Hear Me Rant!





So early this morning I drove down for a breakfast date at this place called T Cottage in Victoria Island. My date, whom I was meant to go out with last night but cancelled on because I was in a zone, and because he was at one of those meetings that drag until after midnight, and I couldn't very well wine & dine by myself till he was done..

In any case, we rescheduled for this morning. So off I went, empty belly and all. We perused the menu, I ordered jumbo prawns, Caesar salad and an espresso, he ordered fish in barter and chips. The exorbitant amount led us into believing that it would translate to 'exorbitant' portions. False. The food was superbly cooked. The last jumbo prawns I had at Elkan Terrace, Port Harcourt, almost put me off sea food forever, this redeemed sea food for me. I digress. We ate with gusto but the more we ate, the emptier our bellies felt. My friend, a proper igbo man sniggered; "Nna, dis is not food biko. O nwe one ofe-Owerri I ate in Ajao estate nnyahu. Nna meeehn, toooo much!". I was equally hungry, the fancy food just wasn't werking, so we decided to go to The Place and eat "real" food. 

I didn't think not being satisfied with the breakfast entitled me to more food, that's the kind of thinking that makes you gain weight. I decided to "manage" and just get something for much later, thus, takeout. He opted for same. My food (asun and boiled peppered unripe plantain. Shout out to The Place, they make very decent food.) was packaged before his so when the waitress handed mine to me, I took it and when he was handed his, I started to walk ahead, to the car. Then this happened. 

"Excuse me? Excuse me?" I turned back to see my friend standing on a spot, refusing to move. I was very confused, till I saw his outstretched hand with his food in it. 

I looked at the food and then back at him.  

"Excuse me? Take it" he said. 

Now, we know that Saturday mornings at places like The Place are always swamped with people trying to soak up the alcohol from Friday night. It felt like the multitude was watching. I was torn between telling him he could hold his own food; there by embarassing him, and quietly taking it from him and walking away. Instead I stood there looking at him and his outstretched hand. He looked at me unblinkingly, wondering what I was waiting for. 

"The least you can do is say please" I said. He seemed surprised, his expression, confused, his hand still holding the food out to me. 

"Say please", I repeated. 

"Ok.. Please". He stubbornly conceded and I took the food from him. 

This little incident really rubbed me the wrong way. That please wasn't enough, so I suddenly wanted out of the plans we'd made for much later today. I decided I would tell him I'm not around and just do something else with myself instead. 

When it happened my immediate thought was igbo men and their ego, their sense of entitlement, the need to be treated like kings. All men have big egos but that of an igbo man is morbidly overweight! 

One thing I've learnt about men, however, is that as a woman sometimes you stoop to conquer. It's an easy mumu-button trick (hehe. Don't quote me o!). But you need to be certain that when you stoop, you're conqueror not conquest (you can approach the bench for lessons. Lool. #runsaway). 

That said, it was one tiny incident but one that opened doors to many thoughts. Times have changed but have the woman's role really advanced over time or are we still mere helpers, to stand on the side, fanning our men and also their egos? Or have we become equal... can we ever? 
     Have you ever had to deal with a man with a big ego; relationship or marriage, what coping strategies did/do you adopt? Do you find it more productive to massage his ego or does being headstrong and unbending work better for you?

Also, How would you have reacted in the situation above?


***
Ps; in fairness to my friend, I later expressed my displeasure and he apologized. 
All's well that ends well, I guess?



..

Comments

  1. Why rub off the last phrase in his response? #AprokoMode

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because I want to limit it to the context of the post. The subsequent parts had to do with the cancelled plans. Which have just become "uncancelled". Hehe.

      Delete
  2. So u wanted to cancel all cos of that little incident? It's like men havnt shown you pepper b4, cos if dey have u wud have taken this as nothing sef. Hmmmmmmm.....the quest for perfection. Continue Thelma!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Does it occur to you that it's the pepper my eyes have seen that sometimes makes me extremely cautious?

      Delete
    2. Anon is new. When BVs keep telling Thelma she has "seen things" you shouldn't be surprised why she's cautious. Besides "Cancel" was for appointment, not man. :D

      Delete
    3. U can be cautious from now till thy kingdom come. Still doesn't mean you 'll end up getting it right. Havnt you seen ppl that were the perfect partner while dating and totally changed after marriage? Accept that you might not get it right. Just device a way to deal with shortcomings. Everyone on earth has issues. I really wish u well Thelma.

      Delete
    4. Memphis you spoke my mind. If the Anon started reading this blog since she will understand better. It is true that being over cautious does not guarantee everything but that one no mean say make you no shine ya eyes

      Delete
    5. Thelma was even good if it was me o can promise he will not be hearing from me again! But I guess we all have our limits on what we can take. So flipping rude! I'm so pissed and it's not even my business !

      Delete
    6. Dear anon are you trying to say that in order for men not to show us pepper we have to become sheep that bleat at their every command. I'm just curious as to your gender cos I'm almost 100% sure that you belong to the female specie. Men should at the very least treat us with respect and courtesy. They do not own us just because they rule the world. They might rule the world, but they do not rule me. Jeez, your statement is so disturbing. You gatz be secure in yourself dudess

      Delete
  3. Lols. It is well...

    ReplyDelete
  4. That's how my friend needed me to help him buy air time . Next thing he said was " get me MTN 1500".I initially collected the money then it struck me the way he ordered me to go get it.I turned and gave him back his money.
    Him: where is the card?
    Me: where are your manners? Until you learn to say please,don't ask me for errandious favours.*he was looking at me probably thinking where "errandious"was in his dictionary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *errandious* favours. Osamudiame!! Patrick Obahiagbon's discipleship is rising. Lmao.

      Delete
    2. Lmaooooooooo!!!!!! Way to go jare blogittup!

      I jusr cant... in fact... you might have to do puppy eyes for me.. cuz i would be reading your body language too. Looool. I have issues... i know. Some men really have to learn. What silly sense of entitlement is that?! Nne... if i was in that situation.. i wont even ask for please.... i'll just walk away... even if i have to walk to my house... chai! Our igbo brothers.. cant say i blame them tho... really, i dont.

      Kabuoy

      Delete
    3. Hahahhaha! Bloggitup! Errandious favours??? Hahahah!!

      Delete
    4. Well, such orders can be very annoying and I understand where T is coming from! Thankfully I can't even remember if some1 has ever given me such an "arrogantic" order b4. Hehe #followingdbloggitupway

      Delete
    5. *Pointing my finger at Queen*baby girl you are smart.I love fast learnacious students.

      Delete
    6. My boyfriend is Igbo and he's a proper gentleman *wink

      Delete
  5. Hmmm... Well sometimes it's good your foot down as soon as something doesn't sit well with you. If some of us had done that earlier in our relationships things might been a lot better

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree Steele. J

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thelma, be fooling urself, u will die single. If ur married in 6 years with this ur attitude, call me, I will give u 1m free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alfarsi, why you mad though? Hahaha, don't worry about me, I'm sure there are worse things than "dying single".

      Delete
    2. You won't die single jor, this is how ladies are deceived to believe that all they cant get anything better.www.bride2mum.com

      Delete
    3. Wollup wollup just wollup! Who is dis one? Because iv been looking you efryttme u say rubiss, u tink u can jus come year to be saiding rubiss lyk is a joking sturv! U miss road? My friend gerrarahia! Is u da wie dying single to ba je bi epe! Iranu! Agbaya! Rekspect yasef o afarasi abi asasi! Wareva u call ursef!
      *tried to combine falz, odega and jenifa* i hope didnt do too badly.... looool


      But on a more serious note... you need to draw the line between being blunt and being downright mean! Haba guy! How would you say that to anyone? That's just wrong!

      Kabuoy.

      Delete
    4. Kabouy how old are you again?

      Delete
    5. Anonymous mode gone wrong...

      Delete
    6. "Who is he/she that sayeth a thing and it cometh to pass when the Lord commandeth him not? "

      Well I dedicate 1corinthians 2:9 to you which would be made manifest in Thelma's life and if you don't have a bible...Google it!

      Delete
    7. I almost forgot... Gerrarahia mehn shit!
      In igbo ...si ebe a puo!

      Delete
    8. So what's wrong with dying single! U that will die married how is ur life any better?!

      Delete
    9. @blink, lolz. U forgot to add... "Lemme tell u sum'n cos u don't know no'n, hala"

      Delete
    10. Taaaah! @ anon 1:33am! Go and discover your purpose for "existent" ... then come back to ask me Jamb question.

      Delete
    11. Alfarsi or whatever ur name is na u be mofo!

      Delete
    12. Alfarsi,calm down na. Life is not this serious.
      That you can take shit from people doesn't mean that other people should.
      That guy's rudeness is overwhelming.He would do worse with whom ever he eventually settles down with.
      Thelma,you should know that as your blog is rapidly growing,you have to be prepared for horrible comments that will be directed @you.The idea is to ignore,ignore and keep ignoring.

      Delete
    13. Haba alfarsi, that's outright rudeness! Kai! Some people can be rude sha.

      Delete
    14. Alfarsi it is people like u that make me wonder if education is for everyone....smh..people need Jesus in their lives!and by the way,the money u are offering is too small and just so you know,being married is not tantamount to happiness..hopefully,Jesus would take away ur bitter heart!

      *with love all the way from Accra to Thelma and TTB Readers!u rock and roll!!!xoxo

      Delete
  8. I had almost same experience one time, the guy picked me from my office to celebrate something I achieved and next thing demanded I Pay, as soon as i said no, bobo called me a stingy bitch to the waitress o. www.bride2mum.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But u were. No offense, u just were.

      Delete
    2. TF anonymous??!!!!
      u dont pick a woman up and take her out and ask her to pay.... u invite, you pay, simple!!!... besides with the heavy egos of men these days that expect women to "be as our mothers were", i wonder y they cant be as their fathers were...
      *singing*....since i was young, and now i am getting old, I have never seen my mother paying...people have u seen?..
      A real man is a provider... receive graciously if a woman gives, but dont expect it.. like it or not, ur natural role is to provide and protect while a woman was made to nurture....
      and as for thelma and her date... she's ultra polite... i wouldv just whipped out my phone and pretended i was reading a message and kept walking to the car.. noone has the monopoly on rudeness or disrespect...
      and again i ask RUTHY....WIA ARE U??!!!!

      Delete
    3. Addict! Can you see your own 'entitlement' being displayed?
      You will walk to the car that is not yours abi? You better think smart young lady.
      And follow Thelma's cue. She's (thelma) got wisdom that only experience can teach.

      Delete
  9. Thelma be letting all these kids that I'm sure arnt even up to 25yrs high five and boost her ego with their comments. Better wake up from your slumber. The sooner the better. Some people will come under here now and vomit but I have Thelma's interest at heart and I believe I'm experienced enough. Everybody has flaws, the main thing you should focus on is handling the flaws of your chosen partner. Leave this attitude alone unless you don't want to get married. If that's the case then carry on, afterall marriage ain't for everyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It would be a great misconception to think I don't have a mind of my own. You don't have a clue, Nne/Nna forget what you read on the blog, it's much deeper than this, 25 yr olds and the blogosphere.

      Delete
    2. Please is marriage salvation cus I seriously don't get it! Why does a woman have to take absolute shit! because society is pressuring her to get married! So she can be married and be miserable eh?! If that's how u r living ur life u can continue but don't expect everyone to settle for less than the best for them.
      That guy was seriously rude and the truth is that's how u get to know someone. He is showing Thelma his true colour and it's better she sees it as it is.

      And by the way I'm not 25 I'm 30 and an experienced one at that!
      Thelma I'm sure u won't settle for "just good enough" aim high abeg.

      Delete
    3. I support Thelma here.

      Everyone is actually entitled to their own opinion (esp. In this 'blogosphere'). And it takes maturity to realize that and think above it.

      In fact, nobody actually care wat people say here unless they choose to care.
      And I agree with her choice to believe there's more to her than this '25yr olds and the blogosphere'

      Delete
    4. @Tolu, why are u taking it personal? The anon wasn't referring to you as dated comments infer.
      I do no glorify marriage myself, but as with Ur opinion, others have their too. Thelma has to accommodate all (opinions) as its her own blog and (edited) experience.

      So calm down

      Delete
    5. Exactly, marriage aint for everyone. Even at that, I shouldnt settle with a disrespectful man just cos marriage is the goal.

      Delete
    6. Hi Anon,
      as I type this I have tears in my eyes. So someone I know was in this position a few years ago, got married to someone she would not have normally married but the societal pressure to marry was just too much.
      In less than one year of marriage he raped her, gave her a deadly std, didnt take care of her and the kids, infact was always asking her for money. He died leaving her, now she has been told to put her house in order,she barely has a week to live.
      Thelma it is better u remain single than make a deadly mistake.
      Ps i am 34 years, I no be pikin.

      Delete
    7. Tolu u couldn't have said it any better. Pls don't reply any anonymous or whoever that attacks u or Thelma. Silence is d best answer!!

      Delete
    8. Tolu u couldn't have said it any better. Pls don't reply any anonymous or whoever that attacks u or Thelma. Silence is d best answer!!

      Delete
    9. Well said and written Claire

      Delete
  10. What's going on,I'm shocked at some of the comments I'm seeing up here!

    I believe if it was me in this your position Thelma, once I realise what this guy wants me to do with his wonderfully aroused ego,with his arms outstretched like that,I would just say *I'm coming* loudly while walking outta there as well...when his hands starts paining him from the way he stretched it out,he would find a way to the car or wherever with his property,and his ego in check.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Na you lose oh. Lol trust me on that

      Delete
    2. Nana always learn to make sense. Reread your comment and see what you sound like.

      Delete
    3. Hahahahah! Everybody. Jus dey vex today, werin happn O??? Lmao!

      Delete
    4. Anon please reread ur comment and see what u also sound like

      Delete
    5. Nana take e-high5 o jare.... u too much... which one be "Excuse me , take".... i am even vexed at thelma for collecting that food sef... iyaff vex well well...

      Delete
  11. Thelma you dont have to respond to everything you dont agree with....Silence is key shuuu

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. Ok Anon. Most times I really want to be silent but sometimes i really really want to be heard/understood. *sigh*

      Delete
  12. Why is every1 one going anonymous for this post though???

    ReplyDelete
  13. Really? So because she's a certain age, she should take absolute crap from any guy that shows interest just cos she wants to be married? Oga o! You experienced people that are more than 25, if your husband or significant husband treats you like crap, then I'm sorry for you like, I really pity you and hope that God will give you lots and lots of happiness cos I'm at least 95% sure you're not happy. Its people like you that encourage women to stay in abusive situationships just cos its more "honourable" to be married.

    I for one think the guy was rude. He could have just asked(not ordered) or suggested it to her. Thing is, the way we present stuff matters and can be the difference between GTFOH and Ok. Also, the yorubas have a proverb that goes something like... what you will not condone as a rich man, you will start rejecting it right from when you are poor. I think the fact that she didn't take the easy way out anf made him say please was good. Now he knows where she stands on issues like that. Next time,he'll just ask nicely and save himself the trouble.

    Thing is, as human beings, we like to test boundaries and see how much we can get away with. If you as a person don't reject it right away, when u get tired of taking crap, it will be hard to get out of it.

    I work in an environment where its pretty easy for them to walk all over you and send you on useless errands just cos you're 10 or 15 years younger even though you're all doing the same work basically or because they're 2 or 3 levels ahead of you. When I resumed, I used to go on such errands and felt one typa way about it untill one day, I thought to myself, we work in a corporate environment and everybody has legs. Everybody can walk to get what they need just the way I walk out to get what I need too so I stopped going on errands. If you tell me to get something I'll tell you I quickly have to get a report typed up, if you can wait 30mins, I'll help you. Gradually gradually, peeps got the message and now I dont get such mumu errands again. Then one day, I brought it up in one of our office conversations. Since then, anyone who wants anything done from anybody asks nicely except one particular guy(nothing we can do about him). Even our GH who wasnt in the discussion asks nicely before he sends you anywhere. Its just courtesy.

    Anyway, the point of all this story is, it costs nothing to be courteous. Please, thank you, and sorry should be embedded in your vocabulary. It eliminates the need for these kinds of discussions/arguments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. From yours and Kabouy's comments its easy to see who is older. Kabouy just sounds like a little teenager that just runs around headlessly. Such a child.

      Delete
    2. Good for you sunshine. Good for you.
      As human beings we tend to take advantage of each other. The very selfish ones will "see you finish" if you don't nip the whole nonsense.

      Delete
    3. Rotflmao! @ "Kabouy just sounds like a little teenager that just runs around headlessly. Such a child."

      I think you meant to say "like a headless chicken"... anyway... I get the point!
      Happy sunday to you too dear anonymous! Loool!

      Delete
    4. kabuoy and sunshine be using the f-bomb like it's going out of fashion. thought you girls are church girls?

      Delete
  14. When I turned 30, I did a value due diligence on my friends' list and pushed a lot of them to the back burner. I knew they wouldn't do for me what I did for them. So, I stopped tolerating them. I stopped making excuses for people. If an adult male can command an adult female, in a packed restaurant, to carry his meal. That self centered man wants to be worshipped. The little things people do tells a lot about them. This path is not for you. Don't go there.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, correct.

      What you will not take when you are rich, start rejecting it when you are poor. We all have our limits.

      -F

      Delete
  15. I pity the clueless people on this blog who open their mouth an spit out dust.

    The minute you start to tolerate bullshit from. A supposed date (man /woman) who has no single atom of respect for you, then prepare for a life Of Misery in your relationship.

    The lesson here is that you told him about his error n he apologized. It takes a matured and sensible man to realize his mistake and apologize.

    For those desperado, planning to lick arse, I wosh you well.
    Kabouy, Mallama and other smart peeps your comments are well appreciated,

    Alfarsi, you need to learn some manners, you pass off as very un- cultured when you say/type stuff like that to people. I just don't understand why people cannot criticize constructively.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wetin dey happen for hia.? Nna eh we go dey flog some pipu Wey dey comment and no sabi use brighter grammar make beta sense for hia oh!

    Alfarsi, nna u be aboki abi mallam? U go cool eh down make you no chop cane for this blog/post.

    Today Na Sunday, do well oh! I dey like ya comment before but you don dey use soda wash ya mouth.
    Next time talk well make you no fall ya hand.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thelma I am truly surprised at some of your experiences, even the kind of men you describe. Maybe it's lagos men I don't know or the type of those you feel attracted to. I got married at 28 and even at then I wasn't tolerating disrespectful men. I may have done so when I was in my teenage to early 20s years, but once I got more matured and knew what I wanted I simply dated only men whom aren't disrespectful. The way a man treats people around him is the way he would treat you too. Yes I find igbo men to be very "macho" and didn't want to even marry one, but I still met an exception to the case whom I married, so they aren't all like that.

    Also, I noticed you go on too many dates, maybe so as not to put all your eggs in one basket as most Nigerian girls say, but how would one be able to focus and truly know a person if they are always distracted to many choices? It confuses the hell out of the person. If you go on a date and believe this person doesn't match your personality or what you want (I believe by now you already know what you can live with and what you can't) then by all means move on and get to know the next person without having too much to sieve through.

    This is just my own suggestion, I don't mean it as an insult and judgement either, I have just followed your stories from the beginning and think you should maybe try it differently.-------UGO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugo, I don't think the IBO man here is one disrespectful macho-like proud man without manners. Get it? Cos that would be the reason you would write this much just to explain how u don't 'tolerate'.

      Anyways, Thelma only made reference to that part just for the sake of this topic. And she was nice enough to show their subsequent text msgs. Which explains a lot abt him as being a humbly 'proud' man which, to me, is actually not that bad. When she asked for a please, he duly gave her Wch shows humility. I know some guys won't say it, NEVER!

      MY POINT HERE IS, DONT DISCOURAGE THELMA JUST COS U WANNA MAKE A POINT. IM SURE SHE GETS IT SHA.

      THELMA IS SMART AND MATURED ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS FOR HERSELF.

      Delete
    2. I agree with Ugo on the too many dates advice, when I have too many choices hovering around me I end up choosing none, distraction cover many potentials. You are a lovely person and definitely will not "die single",@ alfarsi whatever advice you wanted to give thelma got lost in the harshness of your words, learn some communications skills please.

      Delete
  18. Sometimes it's good to put your foot down on some issues and sometimes there's the need to compromise so that peace can reign. But it depends on the situation one finds him/herself in.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The koko of the matter is that you told him and he apologized. Making him say please was a very good thing you did. You handled it really well.

    Even me sef follow you pause when I read that part.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Wow. We are all entitled to our opinion. Share yours without sounding negative or downright mean. We should not let social media turn us into insensitive beings. @Alfarsi, I had to read your comment twice to be sure I read right. SMH

    ReplyDelete

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TTB readers doesn't this tweet below remind you of something?
That mail that someone sent me a few weeks back. 
But why on earth should a man sleep with his son's fiancé? But what am I saying, some men even sleep with their daughters...

Oh well, I'm throwing the question to you. What has happened in your life that you never saw coming, you never hesperred it, you never imagined could happen, you never imagined could happen to you? 
It could be good, it could be bad, it could be ugly. Do tell!
And it can be more than one. Let me tell you a few. 
-owning a blog -week long dry fast at Prayer City (I never hesperred it).  -staying in an (emotionally) abusive relationship.
The others require anonymity. LOL. Now over to you.

Adventures, Fun, Friendship & Laughter at the TTB Hangout (Lekki Conservation Center).

Nicole to Clare: mummy lets go. I want to climb that ropy thing!

Isn't Clare beautiful?!

Uyi et moi. Clowning. 

Mother & child. 


Scary af! Trish on the ramp. The chica loves the outdoors so much, she was like a kid in a candy store. She and Uyi took this walk twice! More power to them, you can't pay me to do this a second time.


Uyi & Tiwa