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Escape...





It's a few minutes past 1am and I think I've still got too much adrenaline running through my veins, I just got home and my eyes are still 'shining'. The night started out pretty slowly, I went to meet up with a friend at Swé bar. I was there for a while and then we drove back into the island and after driving round for a while, settled at BLD. BLD is just one of those places where you're bound to see everybody. Hell, while I was sipping on my Tom Collins (first time I'm having a gin based cocktail, loved it!) wondering why my date (or whatever) was taking so long in the loo, someone came and playfully brushed the side of my face, i looked up to snarl at the creature who dared, and then I saw that it was my elder brother. 
     Later on we had this insane barbecue at BLD, my partner decided to go local so we drove down towards Ajah to this neighbourhood joint where they do point 'n' kill, asun and the sort (somebody pray for me, my waist line musnt expand). 

In all these places I saw wedding bands flash, and even those who didn't have them had the ring marks on their ring fingers. I particularly noticed about three men at Swé, all sitting alone nursing drinks, staring wistfully into their glasses and savoring those peaceful moments. And I wondered, what's so horrible about home that they come to kill time here before finally going back to it?
     I remember last week at the club in PH when I told one of the guys there that I didn't want to talk about work/career/blog/money/life because these moments away from town are my escape from reality. He said to me, gesticulating around the club; "This is my escape". "Your escape from what?" I asked. "From home, from marriage" he said, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. 

Likewise I felt sorry for all those men I saw at the bars tonight, content to sit alone and nurse drinks, content in the aloneness, away from home. I sympathize with them; the way the roam the streets, looking for something, shelter, from their own homes... They squeeze out the night for all its worth and go home only when they must, when the annoying wife calls with her whiny voice and they snap; I'm on my way! I imagine they have a knot in their throat as the shine of their night fades away, as they return to the dreary reality of home life & marriage, plunged away from their beautiful escape. I do feel sorry for them. 

But I rather feel more sorry for the Mrs. What's a woman's escape?

The men can do whatever, drink in bars all night, pack a bag for the weekend and skip town, go to the strip clubs and forget the world beyond the guarded doors, pick up miss thang, pay for a hotel room and engage in a night of mindless sex, hang with the boys and revel in alcohol induced laughter and banter, or simply just take go somewhere alone and enjoy the solitude; maybe even reflect, meditate and pray... Whatever it is, there's an escape, no matter how flitting. What escape does the wife have? 

I'm terribly curious. I'm also wondering if there's an actual need for escape or if men do it just 'cause they can... I mean, I understand that some partners are hellish to live with but I don't believe all these night crawling men have hellish partners, in fact most don't. So what gives....?

And on that note I'm done musing. About to hit the road, it's going to be an exciting day. Cheers y'all. 




Photo source; www.marriagedigest.wordpress.com

Comments

  1. Like u said most of these men don't have helish wives, some men just tend to find marriage boring, they just can't stand the fact that they have to repeat same routine daily, monthly and even yearly. I pity the women most too because we have no escape, this is Africa and women ain't allowed to do all sorts the men do, once a woman starts to hang out with her friends weekly without her husband's presence then eyebrows are raised but when the men do it, it is termed a normal life an African man should live. I feel sorry for women including myself but I know only me can make out how sweet my marriage would be with the help of God.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have a friend who "escapes". Not because she has issues at home but because her husband knows and understands and supports the need for her to have her "me" time and with 2 kids, he's very well comfortable playing daddy time when he's away doing her thing...

    ReplyDelete
  3. A man is in a win win situation. My husband can be seen in a hotel with a dozen women. No one bats an eyelid. Let my car stall close to a hotel and all hell lets lose.

    It wasn't until I had a child that I realised how different our lives are. He just picks up his car key and is out the door. I have no escape. Sometimes, I miss my single life. When it was just me. My husband hasn't taken me out in four years. Everything I do, revolves around my kids. And involves careful planning. Sometimes I ask myself if this is all there is to my life.

    A man can hang out, it's no problem. It's a man's world. It's the double standard we have to live with. No matter how comfy the house his, a man wants more than the Mrs can give. Should I leave my kids and go out one night to hang out? To show my husband I need escape as well. I think not. That time will come but it's not now. My children are the most important thing right now. It's imperative I set a solid foundation on which they will go on to build their lives. Life is what you make of it. The choices you make determine the trajectory of your life.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ohhhh exactly my thoughts and with all these marriage scares me isn't this slavery,??? I once told my mum I don't think I wanna get married and she went all tufwika, chukwu amankwe, omanreregi and on on she went, I had to stop her by saying I was joking. When did marriage become a determinant of a woman's happiness? Hmmmmmmm

      Delete
    2. Not all men are night crawlers and u should know ur man before saying I do! My hubby has never being to a club and doesn't go drinking! And wherever else he wants to go we go together with our daughter so don't be afraid of marriage it's not slavery.
      U should know if u marry a night crawler he will remain so and that's where he will start seeing what u r not and be forming escape! What are they escaping from?! Pure foolishness! Please the prayer is to marry well!

      My parent have been married for 35 years and my dad has never wondered about 'escaping'
      Please don't say I do to a night crawler and settle matters on ur knees Abeg!

      Delete
    3. Holup holup, just holup, Mrs Tolu, what u are saying in essence is DAT it is wrong for a married man to go out at night? Or men who go out at night are bad husbands? And because urs doesn't go out at night, girls should be wandering around looking for men DAT don't go out?

      Lol

      Dem never ready marry be dat...

      Delete
    4. But wait o, how do you know your dad has never wondered? I ask this because "wondering" occurs in the mind and you have no way of knowing what he's thinking or what he used to think. If your parents decide to sit you down and tell you some hard truths about their marriage you'll understand that all that glitters isn't gold. That they stayed together for 35 years doesn't mean it was all pure bliss, they were just brave and strong enough to weather the storms? Especially because in those days divorce wasn't at option for most couples, they didn't have a choice but to rough it.

      Delete
  4. Why didn't u hola at me wen u were at bld? I wlda come thru.. I heard the bbq was mad! I have my own "escape" too but it's just in another room in my crib with a good movie and some wine.. Lol.. I can't stay away from my kid for too long will keep worrying about her .. I have a male friend that's married and dude is out from Thursday-Sunday!i don't Know how his wife copes .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't call you because Summer can't be at BLD that late and the one in your belly probably wouldn't let you either. Your brothers were there though, and half of Lagos.

      Delete
    2. Summer is such a beautiful name.

      Delete
  5. Does BLD have BBQ spare ribs on their menu? Gosh I miss my London ribs. Or is der anywhere in lag that serves bbq ribs, wings, steak burger, fries....as in proper one not fast food struggle burger. So hungry right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Try Umutu Coffee Co, it's close to yellow chilli in vi. I'm sure they'll have something you'd like

      Delete
    2. Tanx Steele. Off to Google.

      Delete
    3. try bbq cravings at 4th round about lekki!!!!! trust me you wld be hooked for life!!

      Delete
  6. My issue in all this matter is that thelma is having too much fun,*crying,i wish I was in lagos oh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As in ehnnn.. Thelma sure knows how to have fun. I dey envy sha...lol

      Delete
  7. Is marriage supposed to be prison? Don't couples who can't stay away from each other for too long exist in naija? I have a Canadian friend that's been married for over 15 years and he says that him and his wife are one of those extremely rare couples that can't function properly when they are apart. They do absolutely everything together, but what I envy is that it's just not her, it's him too. He can't think straight if he's not heard her voice in a few hours.

    I think that it takes the joint effort of both parties to make sure that one doesn't feel trapped in the marriage. Respect each other's space, always encourage the other person's passion, be their peace, pay attention to the little things, be sensitive to their moods, make an effort to be smart and wise (be the person whose opinion they value the most) don't take each other's faults too serious but don't take your own faults or mistakes lightly, work on improving yourself. It's a lot of work but it's fun. That's why we can't keep stressing the importance of marrying your friend, not just someone you're attracted to, or you're infatuated with, or that's good in bed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Steele I want to just hug you right now for your comment. Respect each others personal space, that way,being with the other person doesn't become a chore

      Delete
    2. Steele u hit the nail on the head. The longest my husband and I agree to spend apart is 2 weeks...and those two weeks alone even if either of us is supposed to be chopping life we end up miserable. We always strive to create meaningful dependency on each other...that way we literally need each other...its key for a healthy marriage...not obsession but need.

      For me thereis nothing to escape from, after a few hours, i will look for my husband. I recently told him he couldn't leave me ever- I will just pack my things and follow him. Lol.

      www.pynk360.com

      Delete
    3. Hmmm... Not obsession but need. I recently had an argument with someone regarding obsession, if only I had read this comment before then I would have had more ammunition.

      Lol @ I will just pack my things and follow him. Both of you my chop life together forever lol

      Delete
    4. Lool@ pack your things and follow him.

      I like it when there's no need to want to escape.

      Delete
  8. Occasionally hanging out is ok but the constant one is where the problem is. The time spent at the bar can be used to work things out. You never know until you try, try and keep trying. You can't get tired if you want it to work.

    I asked hubby same question ooo. 'Can I hang out too with my girlfriends and come back late?' His reply - 'you know now...... it's not possible.' I just shook my head. But it's possible for guys. What makes it so?

    I feel they do so most times because they can. It's Africa. It's a man's world here.

    ReplyDelete
  9. But we go out together most of the time, so far we can get someone to babysit the children. Whenever Grandma is around, we're out. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wo it all depends on what the lady wants o jare....if she wants to escape for some 'her time' all she need do is explain to her hubby and if he is understanding enough he would support her. Everybody needs their space once in a while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I support this too. But I may be scared as a husband to leave my wife(baby boo) to just go away ALONE to some destination.

      I will call her every minute. I may even go and meet her there when I can't take it anymore. Lol

      Unless she's going out with her friends, at least in case of anything, I can be reached ASAP.

      Delete
  11. That's why I keep saying, in my next life, im'ma be a Man.

    A very rich one @ that. Hmmmmm, the things I'd o o.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My husband hangs out with his friends once in a while....like one Friday in a month. I allow him to have his fun time...I can't complain cos he does his own bit. ..helps around the house...takes care of our child eg bathes and feeds her etc. And in the rare occasion I need to hang out with my friends. .he's willing to babysit.
    It's still a man's world though...but having a considerate husband helps.

    ReplyDelete

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