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Major Dilemma!

There are some things you read and you're completely lost for words. This is one of those, which a reader sent to Bella Naija. Please read and share your thoughts. 


I have been struggling for a while. I have decided to pour out my story.
I am an engineer in her thirties and right now my career is going extremely well. I am married with a young daughter and I have a boyfriend who I am about to leave my husband for.
Before you judge, please read the full story.

As a young girl, I was one of those weirdos, the type of girl who did not have any friends. Instead, I read books all day long. My mother was always trying to make me more social and more feminine in my appearance and it did not work at all!
I was always a top student and in my time, many people had to take JAMB so many times. I took it once, scored a very high mark and got admission to my first choice university to study Engineering.
I was one of very few ladies in my department and it made things easier for me to just mind my business. The guys accepted me as one of the boys as I was not one of the glamour girls on campus. I never had any relationship and nobody ever toasted me. Maybe because of the way I used to dress, very very very plain, I don’t know. I liked it that way. I eventually graduated at a young age with a high grade (sorry, trying to avoid specifics for privacy reasons). I did NYSC and also got a state scholarship to go to the UK for my masters and then a job with an international company.
I chose the job.
My mother is a Catholic Mother, she is very involved in her church group. Around the time I graduated from university, one of her fellow Catholic mothers’ son had just come back from his scholarship PhD in Russia.
He was also a weirdo like me (according to our mothers).
They decided to introduce us.
Now it sounds crazy when I think about it but we basically met and our mothers advised us to get married and we accepted.
I accepted because I just wanted my mother to stop disturbing me and I felt I might as well just do it now and get it over with.
With the wisdom I have now, I cannot believe I accepted this arrangement.
We got married and now that I know about love, I know it was horrible but at the time I assumed that is how things were.
Let me tell you about the man I married. He is very very brilliant but has zero social skills. He has no friends, hardly talks, not romantic etc…It sounds horrid but at the time, he was the male version of me.
When we got married, I liked it because it allowed me to just focus on my work.
We have had sex just twice in our marriage of almost 10 years.
Yes, 2 times.
Once soon after we got married and the second time, 5 years later when we conceived our daughter after pressure from our mothers to give them a grand child.
Let me talk about my career
I started work as part of the company’s graduate scheme. In all the technical aspects, I was always Number 1. This had led to me being valued in the company with my salaries and bonuses increasing each year.
However, many of my peers who started with me are actually higher up in the company because with each assessment, I was told my leadership, communication and team building were very poor. If not for my exceptional technical expertise, I would have been sacked a long time ago.
3 years ago, a white guy approached me in the office. He was trying to find someone on my floor. From that day, he would stop by my office anytime he was around. He started by saying Hello and it continued with him beginning to engage me in conversations. I kept wondering why he was talking to me.
We eventually became friends. My first real friend. He had just been seconded to our office from our company’s office in the USA when we first met. As time passed, we grew closer.
People, he changed my life.
I began to open up to him about work first. He advised me on how to handle my team mates, line manager and high level bosses. My assessment at work began to change, I was finally given junior staff to manage (something my peers could do years before). Before anyone assumes otherwise, he is in a completely different department so has no direct influence on my work. It was just his advice and support that helped me.
We never talked about my husband.
One day, he told me I was beautiful. Nobody, not even my parents had told me that before. He was actually the one who introduced me to this website. I started learning more about fashion and beauty. Before, I used to wear an old wig my mother had given me, I thought it was professional.
It was terrible!

started watching youtube and learned how to style my natural hair and apply makeup.
Do you know my husband did not notice?!
I also changed my clothing style.
People in the office started noticing and complimenting me. Schoolmates from secondary school and university did not recognize me when we met.
You may think my boyfriend was just trying to sleep with me but he never did try that. He encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. It was from those sessions I discovered that I had been suffering from extreme low self esteem all these years. That I hid behind my plain persona. Now the real me was coming out. I managed to convince my husband to go once with me and the psychiatrist diagnosed him with Aspergers Syndrome – a mild form of autism. That explained a lot when it comes to his behaviour.
This past Christmas, my daughter and I went to the States for a training session…we also visited my boyfriend as he was on holiday there. He introduced us to his family including his siblings and parents. I also met his 2 children (they are much older as he had them when he was young). He introduced me as his fiance and at that time, he told me he wants to loves me and wants us to be in a real relationship (This was 2 and a half years after we met!)
We kissed. This was the first passionate kiss of my life! I didn’t even know my body could feel such. Yes, we also started a sexual relationship. I know it is wrong but at over 30 I had never experienced anything like that at all.
Since we got back to Nigeria, we continued. My boyfriend’s term in Nigeria is over and he is to return home. I have now been offered a role in the company’s office over there too (I applied and the reason I got it is due to my improved 360 assessment thanks to his help).
Now my issue, I have told the man I married, I want a divorce. He agreed without any emotion. I told him, I am leaving the country, he just shrugged.
I cannot leave my daughter here and go. I have to take her with me but I feel bad because she is the only one her father has. She is the only one who makes him smile or brings out any emotions in him. He is not the most hands on father but he tries.
I know it is quite wrong but my daughter already knows my boyfriend as her mother’s friend. They get along well. I am not even doing to think about the ruckus that will be faced especially from the Catholic Mothers group due to the scandal.
Now what do I do?
If I go, my daughter will be away from her father and the man I married will be all alone. If I stay here, I will be miserable and losing out on my career, love and life.

Comments

  1. Let her work out a visiting schedule biko. I don't see a problem there as long she already told the hubby she wants a divorce. My only issue with this is the fact that she slept with the other man while still married.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nna na wa o.
    I'm just weak.
    Now because I believe marriage should be worked on, I would say this.
    Can the husband get treatment...like psychiatric sessions to help?
    She doesn't even want the marriage again. What am I saying?

    OK, she should talk to her husband about it or just work out an arrangement for visits for her child and husband and submit to him since he's always blank.

    This story is pathetic though.

    ReplyDelete
  4. She should develop a visiting schedule. The child can go with her and spend all or most of her holidays with her father (or vice versa) plus there are lots of ways to keep in touch these days, skype, bbm, etc

    She can also try to get her husband the kind of help he needs instead of bailing out cos regardless of how the situation turned out or the circumstances of their coming together, they both made a choice. She made a decision, she wasnt coerced or forced into the marriage, she walked into it with her eyes open so she shouldn't blame anyone. I think she should find a way to help her husband and see if it will work first before going away with her boyfriend.

    #MyTwoCents

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No matter the kind of help her husband gets or how charming he becomes, the marriage is dead. The first man that made her feel like a human being and a woman isn't her husband.

      Both of them were robots when they got married so I won't exactly say her eyes were open because she was totally oblivious.

      Her dilemma is no dilemma at all really, the marriage has ended, travel with your daughter but make sure she's in constant contact with her father and that she visits. Also tell his family about his condition and that he is now their responsibility.

      But see twice in 10 years sha...

      Delete
    2. "Both of them were robots when they got married so I won't exactly say her eyes were open because she was totally oblivious"

      Exactly my thought, Steele. They got married as machines being operated by their mothers jointly.

      The marriage is ended (was it even there at all?). I do not see her as being of much help to 'the man she married' as she herself still needs needs help greatly. She should inform his parents; perhaps they would be able to help him and since she cannot be of much help to him, best she leaves. Who knows, the guy too may end up finding a lady that would bring the man out of him.

      Both of them were just wrong for each other as they possess the same weaknesses and strength-they lack the ability to compliment each other.

      -F

      Delete
  5. This speaks volumes. It shows why Nigerians excel in the West. Here, that opportunity does not exist. What she needed was a psychiatrist and a Caucasian partner. It shows there is more to parenting than a bookish child. How she describes him 'the man I married'. Our greatest obstacle is our mind. Once she confronted her mind, she started seeing things differently. Her husband refuses to confront his obstacle. There are so many couples like them. In dysfunctional relationships, breeding dysfunctional children.

    It's sad when you realise millions of Nigerians suffering from developmental disability and mental illness have no where to go to. Most of our psychiatrists have emigrated. Moreover, they do not believe there is a problem.

    Mallama

    ReplyDelete
  6. Why do
    I feel bad for the man? I cannot tell her to stay in a loveless relationship but I don't think just leaving the man with nobody is safe. What if that Öyibo guy say e nor do later nkor? If se should leave that marriage, I would advice her to get to know herself, not jumping into the first guy that gives her attention.www.bride2mum.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Eya. Poor guy. The one person he loves (his daughter) is going to be taken from him. Imagine that! That child is the therapy the man needs and now the child is going away.

    ReplyDelete
  8. If she leaves the daughter, she might have a dysfunctional upbringing and end up like her dad. in cases of divorce, my main concern are the children. Whatever is best for her is what should be considered.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow,hmm...
    1) Well,since Mrs Poster has discovered herself, she shld keep following the path to more self discovery. At this point,her happiness (and whatever it is to her) is her priority.
    2) As for her Child, she wld adjust without the physical presence of the dad (after all...)
    3) As for soon to be ex, he has his family. they wld understand. He needs to also discover himself and if he doesnt,then...

    As they say,never meet anyone who makes u feel happier and more alive than ur spouse can make u feel. There are some things money just can't buy...

    (Thelma, m cho comment a-acho...!!!)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think I can safely conclude that "hubby" is in no way a bad person, just anti-social and badly introverted just like her. Now God gave her a friend in the white guy who helped her discover herself, it made her a better person. It is normal that she fell for the first person that made her feel special, it's a common human error but it's not too late.

    It's now left for her to change her husband no matter how long it takes because for me, I can't see why she should divorce him. The story of her life shows that she is naive and on her judgment alone shouldn't conclude that they* are in love. *goes blank*

    Yes, I have limited experience on these things but I honestly think their home is not beyond salvation just yet... shaa what do I know?

    ReplyDelete
  11. na so so copy and paste you dey do lately lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thelmathinks@gmail.com. Send submissions, be the change you want to see.
      Peace.

      Delete
    2. Lool,as for this story, I don't know, may God guide her towards the right decision

      Delete
  12. Thelma you did not post my comment yesterday, maka why na. J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. J I post all the comments oooo, besides spam. It's possible the comment 'disappeared', I'm sorry about that.

      Delete
  13. Well, the marriage was never one before, just a business transaction between two mothers. sex, just 2ce in 10years.

    They both need to stay away from each other biko.

    The child will be fine, proper visiting arrangements can be fixed. like sunshine said, she should help the husband get help if he wants it, His family should help him even more.

    I think their mothers both did them a dis-service.

    Clare

    ReplyDelete
  14. My dear poster, According to our bible the only ground for divorce is adultery. Since you are the adulterer, you have no right to divorce your hubby, reverse is supposed to be case.
    My candid advise to you now is to go on the path of self discovery ( know thy self well for only then can you truly know what you want) rather than getting involved with a white guy in a foreign land. Trust me, if your relationship goes south with him over there, you will feel much more terrible than you feel now and probably be suicidal. Do you now, and afterwards help hubby to discover himself too. Just imagine if the tables were to be turned, and you are the one hubby does this too, how would you feel? And for the records am a lady and i know how we feel when someone loves but sometimes we ladies forget that men dont love us, just because we dont show or teach them how to love us. See the movie " Perfect Guy" and you would realize that the grass is not always greener at the other side, its only greener were you water it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seconded. I just wish d poster will take ur advice. D grass indeed is never greener @ d other side. If someone else can change her after her mother tried n did not succeed there is nothing stopping her from doing same to her hubby instead of bolting

      Delete

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