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Dear Thelma...





Good morning Thelma, please help me post this. I'm currently facing a situation that's making me have to make a decision concerning my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for six years this year. We are both in our 30s, we have good jobs and we're both comfortable financially. I've had the marriage talk with him several times and he always says that we will get married but at the right time. I never put pressure on him because we've always had a very good relationship. I know he loves me very much and everybody that knows us knows this. His family welcomes me as one of them and my family loves him too. We're both very passionate and ambitious people ad he is my best friend and I believe that he is my soul mate because he is everything I want in a man, he has a very good heart and he treats me like a queen so I always believed that soon we will start to plan our wedding until three days ago when I got a pregnancy scare. I missed my period so I decided to buy pt strip and it came out with two lines so I thought I'm positive. Do you know I was so happy because I'm about to have a baby with my bestie, I was not even thinking about marriage or anything. When I told Bae, I have never in our six years of dating seen him behave how he did. His immediate reaction was that I need to see a doctor to remove it, I was so shocked. I decided to give him time to understand maybe he was in shock but the next day he had become very cold towards me and he said that I should go and have an abortion and he started saying things like I thought ur on the pill? Why did you become careless? He even asked me am I sure he is responsible? Thelma this one hurt me very much because in 6 years I have NEVER cheated on him. Also I have never seen this side of him before, I am very surprised and disappointed. I now realize that I don't know him as well as I thought I did, and also if he was so adamant about an abortion, does he even plan on marrying me? Please I need advise, although he says he loves me and he will break down if I leave him, do you think I should stay or go? Is this a red flag please? I'm so scared because after 6 years in this relationship  I don't know where I will start from, also I still love him very much. 


Ps. I'm not pregnant. 

Comments

  1. Take a walk my dear. If you are both comfortable and have been together for 6 years, I don't know what's stopping him. believe me, men know who they want to marry and when they find that person, they don't like to waste time. If he had any such plans, this would be a catalyst.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Leave him as fast as u possibly can, its obvious he will never marry you. There is always someone out there for you, do nt b in the wrong relationship bcos of the years and time u've put into it cos even if you decide to stay another 10yrs he still will not marry you.. MARATHON ALERT, RUN biko!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Leave him as fast as u possibly can, its obvious he will never marry you. There is always someone out there for you, do nt b in the wrong relationship bcos of the years and time u've put into it cos even if you decide to stay another 10yrs he still will not marry you.. MARATHON ALERT, RUN biko!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank God you have realized you don't know him as well as you thought. This is definitely a big red flag. I don't know which is worse: asking you to go for an abortion or doubting your faithfulness. Of all West Life's songs, the one I love most is 'More Than Words'. A guy saying he loves you means nothing. You can only be assured if he passes when the love he proclaims is put to the test such as in this case.

    With regards to marriage, has he told you the reason he is stalling? Is there a possibility of him keeping some secrets which might be devastating to you? How sure are you he is not seeing someone else? Just bear in mind that a broken relationship/engagement is better than a broken marriage. We have heard of a guy in an erstwhile long relationship getting married to another lady he met within 6 months. You need to conduct some research and get to the root of his refusal to take your relationship to the next level.

    Meanwhile, most pills have negative effects on a woman. Why are you the (only) one endangering your health/fertility? I'm never comfortable when ladies who do not have children take pills. Why not use condom?

    -F

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are obviously not comfortable with the new side of him. ( I wouldn't either ). Get new basket for some of your eggs. Start now so when reality dawns on you, you don't hurt too much.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Red Flag honey.
    This happened to me, I didnt get pregnant too but he begged me to stay and i did.
    By the next month i got pregnant and i saw the other side of him, he had me take it out. ..... Promising me that we will make another baby.
    I felt like my whole life shattered before me but nothing prepareed me for when he ended the relationship the next month.
    If I write what I went through, hmmm this blog wont contain it.
    He Loves you but he is not in love with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adey please share what you went through, I know I like small amebo but you may also be helping somebody

      Delete
    2. What I learnt basically was not to lower my standards for anyone and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse.

      Delete
  7. When people show you who they are, accept them that way n move on. You're already having sex so I'm sure it won't be easy to just break up with him but i advice you not to settle for less when you know you deserve more.

    ReplyDelete
  8. You guys are in your 30s,dating for 6 years now, both financially stable and you got pregnant(as you thought) and he asked you to remove it?....... your answer is staring you at the face.

    This is a wake up call to have the "conversation" if he cannot tell you specifically when the marriage will happen, you know what to do. It's sad but it's better to waste 6 years than 8 or 10 years. J

    ReplyDelete
  9. A guy that really loves you, been with you for 6 years,financially stable and has marriage in mind will never ask you to have an abortion in your 30s. It is a fact.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sweetheart, maybe it's time to critically look at what you share with him. I am not saying break-up, just that you remove the shades you have on and see whats up. Maybe, just maybe you will move on from him or continue to count years with him without major commitment.

    ReplyDelete
  11. One thing life has taught me is to always read the handwriting on the wall as soon as the first letter is put up; not a second letter. #Punintended

    Dear poster, the answer you need is certain unambiguous and at the same time stares you, conspicuously, in the face. The only problem, however,- which I don't blame you for- is that you're too shocked to believe it. Bae is now everything but (the) bae (you knew). Take heart.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Better leave him- he has shown you what you needed to see. Leave him and go and build your life with someone who wants to be with you. After 6 years and you are both old enough and doing ok, he asked for an abortion? Thank God you arent really pregnant. Buko run very far away. He won't committ to you but he doesnt want you to leave him? Dont be a leaner and single at 40 if it is marriage you want.

    www.pynk360.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. Dear Thelma thank you for inspiring my new hair style. After seeing your recent picture, I had an awakening of what next to do to my hair. Seeing that we have the same facial structure and body build, I knew it would work out well. My prediction was right. It did work out well and I'm loving the new do and look. LOL!-------UGO
    PS: I know this has nothing to do with this post, but I just needed to show appreciation seeing that I'm in love with my looks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! Ugo I'm glad to be of service. Please which hairstyle are talking about? Or maybe you can just send me a picture so I can see my twin *wink wink*.

      Delete
    2. The Ghana weaving braids that you put up recently with a post. LOL---UGO

      Delete
  14. Dear poster, please run as fast as your legs can carry you. I read somewhere(I think Maya Angelou said it) that when someone tells you who (s)he really is, believe him/her the first time. Don't go making excuses for them. This man just showed you who he is.

    I'm not saying he should have proposed because you told him you're preggers but his reaction to the news shouldn't have been an abortion or a cold shoulder. That guy has no plans for you so please RUN!

    ReplyDelete
  15. where did my comment go?

    in a nutshell, my then boyfriend, now hubby and i had a pregnancy scare. the day we confirmed it to be negative, he was visibly disappointed. i think he had accepted it and was actually looking forward to it.

    a man who loves you and wants to marry you will never ask you to abort esp when he's financially stable and is doing well.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Why is it that all the comment here are all from females and they all want you to leave or run or fly?

    I'm not saying you should stay either. But don't base your judgement on how commenters see your story from a, probably, 20line-writeup.

    You have been with this guy for 6years... A pregnancy got u rethinking your position in his heart. That's good because you are getting to know him better. You are not getting to know him this way so you can now 'run' or 'take a walk' or 'break up'. This isn't a test.

    One thing is for sure, you won't be removing the baby. What is not sure is where does your relationship go from here.
    In the western world, if you have issues with marriage(although this isn't one... Yet), you find ways to work it out. Not to runaway or break up.

    My suggestion is that, As he has chosen to react this way, give him space. I mean u are definitely not giving birth tomorrow or next couple of months. Relax you thoughts and go along with your daily activities. Sometimes, a little fresh air would surely help both of you to sink in this new reality.

    Just calm down my dear. If after the lil break, he's still withdrawing(obviously you won't be dating someone else during pregnancy). Then you start looking at your future, Postnatal.

    DONT RUSH INTO ANY DECISION RIGHT NOW. WHAT MATTERS IS THE LITTLE ONE INSIDE YOU.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol... Uyi, you didn't finish reading the story, it was a "scare". She's not pregnant.

      Delete
    2. Well now, looking at it from that angle...
      You say he's this and he's that.

      In Tyler Perry's movie Why Did I Get Married, one of the characters said something like a partner shouldn't be all 100% which is not possible. But finding 70% of what you want and then working out the remaining 30%.

      " I know he loves me very much and everybody that knows us knows this. His family welcomes me as one of them and my family loves him too. We're both very passionate and ambitious people ad he is my best friend and I believe that he is my soul mate because he is everything I want in a man, he has a very good heart and he treats me like a queen..."

      If he's all these to you, a 'pregnancy scare' is all you now need to break up a fantastic relationship? Break up with your 'best friend'? I don't know about you but 'best friend' sure means a whole lot to me as a person.

      Make him know how you feel about all these and see where it leads first. To me, he hasn't done anything that deserves a 'breakup' yet!

      No one gets a perfect partner, and trust me, you won't be the first.

      Delete
    3. Lol,
      Wait and see that family turn their back on you when they pitch tents with their son, Not a bad belle comment.
      Im just saying be wise, even if you have met his ancestors. At 30+ you should leave the risk taking to ladies in their 20's.
      If you decide to give him another chance, put a timeline to it. Your eggs are not getting fresher ooo. All the best.

      Delete
    4. Uyi, I appreciate the fact that you see things from a totally different perspective. Sometimes it is refreshing but other times it is just what it is. Totally off point. "he hasn't done anything that deserves a 'breakup' yet!" really?!!!! REALLY?!!!!!!
      I remember thelma put up a post about a girl that was demanding from her boyfriend because she prayed for him and you were carrying the "dump her sorry ass" flag up and down(which I totally agreed with). And now a grown man of 30 that has been with a lady for 6yrs, has been having unprotected sex with her.. hears the lady is pregnant and his first reaction is an abortion and even going as far as doubting the paternity of the child. And you say "he hasn't done anything that deserves a 'breakup' yet!" ha! O ga o! Mstchewwwww! I don't even know what to say to you.

      Dear Poster, your answer is staring at you in the face. You don't need any advice. This is plain and simple except you want to deceive yourself.

      No offense to you poster, but I think some people would still remain in bad relationships even if an angel comes down from heaven to warn them. Because really tho... what other shade of red are you expecting after this?! but then again what do I know? Biko... just do what your heart + head(Very important) tells you. I apologize if I came across as rude or mean. I just... i'm sorry.

      Delete
    5. Uyi, I appreciate the fact that you see things from a totally different perspective. Sometimes it is refreshing but other times it is just what it is. Totally off point. "he hasn't done anything that deserves a 'breakup' yet!" really?!!!! REALLY?!!!!!!
      I remember thelma put up a post about a girl that was demanding from her boyfriend because she prayed for him and you were carrying the "dump her sorry ass" flag up and down(which I totally agreed with). And now a grown man of 30 that has been with a lady for 6yrs, has been having unprotected sex with her.. hears the lady is pregnant and his first reaction is an abortion and even going as far as doubting the paternity of the child. And you say "he hasn't done anything that deserves a 'breakup' yet!" ha! O ga o! Mstchewwwww! I don't even know what to say to you.

      Dear Poster, your answer is staring at you in the face. You don't need any advice. This is plain and simple except you want to deceive yourself.

      No offense to you poster, but I think some people would still remain in bad relationships even if an angel comes down from heaven to warn them. Because really tho... what other shade of red are you expecting after this?! but then again what do I know? Biko... just do what your heart + head(Very important) tells you. I apologize if I came across as rude or mean. I just... i'm sorry.

      Delete
    6. Nawa o... Uyi, this your perspective is entirely one kind. But then again, aren't you a guy in your mid-twenties? You obviously have no idea of the scale of issues she's dealing with.
      And not that it matters, but it was 80% in the movie, not 70%.

      Delete
    7. I really wished I know why u have referenced that particular post. Let me assume u think I'm gender-biased.
      Sorry, I'm not. I weight options from both sides.

      Go and be in a relationship for 6years first and them leave the relationship because he reacted 'stupidly' in your 30s. After outlining how much is means to you as a bestfriend and treating you like a queen and then some.

      I'm sure you think this is a game of women against men. *sigh. Smh! Its called LIFE. Experience it.

      Delete
    8. Because he reacted "stupidly"..... Let's assume this lady was actually pregnant how will this play out? he suggested abortion and then insinuated she was unfaithful. She gave him time to rethink and she got a cold treatment in return.

      After 6 years the reaction above is not a stupid reaction, it is a true reaction of where the guy places their relationship. The reaction above is what you get when you have a fling with a guy and get pregnant, not a guy you have been with for 6 years.

      If you can tell a guy to end a relationship with a lady that demanded a share of the money she "prayed" for but do not see a reason for this lady to end a relationship with a guy that suggested she terminate her pregnancy after spending 6 solid years with him, especially as they are in their 30s, with a stable income...... No I do not think you are gender biased, I think you are inconsistent or you are playing the game my opinion against theirs . J

      Delete
    9. I decided to sit with my popcorn and just read comments on this Post, but Uyi's comment made me fling the treat.

      You're dating for 6 years and in your 30s. The first red flag here shouldn't even be the pregnancy scare, it's the reluctance of either party putting a ring into it. The procrastination was overlooked because of "love". 30s, 6 year relationship, postponing marriage. Then all of a sudden, SCARE! And what's the reaction? "Get rid of it...i mean it! How could you be so careless?? How am I even sure it's mine?? Bla bla..".

      Well I agree with Uyi; "stupid reaction". But when you analyze this part of LIFE, the procrastination, the suspicion, emotional blackmail and neglect, and refusal to bear responsibility...with the willingness to commit murder (abortion), will you continue with such a LIFE? I wouldn't, not for a million $$$.

      Delete
    10. I couldn't have said it any better J. His reaction is something you'll expect from a fling not a six year relationship. This means that if she was actually pregnant, he will deny the pregnancy cos he sure as heck has no plans for her much less a baby.

      And Uyi, sometimes, there's no conspiracy or hidden story/side or a different perspective, things are just what they are.

      I honestly can't believe you are advising her to stay. Yes the guy is her best friend and she treats him as such, obviously, but have you stopped to wonder who his own best friend is? 'Cos it sure as heck isn't this lady. You don't treat your best friend like that. A temporary lapse in judgement as a result of the shock of the news is not understandable(cos its been 6 years dammit!) but its definitely forgiveable. But you see that continuous cold shoulder and silent treatment ish, that right there is a big cause for alarm. That's not the way to treat your best friend. We all have that one friend who doesn't take us as seriously as we take them but this friend shouldn't be the one you spend the rest of your life with.

      Also, that Tyler Perry's 80-20 rule doesn't apply here, TP was talking about character flaws and that list that all women have in their heads for the sort of man they want to marry. The rule doesn't apply to this case of blatant disregard and disrespect for your lady. This guy seemed like a 100 and the lady isn't going after a 20 cos there's even no twenty yet. She just realised that what she considered to be a 100 is in actual fact a 20 and that is not acceptable.

      Delete
  17. That he questioned the paternity of the supposed child is a clear lack of trust. Let's even assume, he has genuine reasons for not wanting a child now, someone that loves you would have communicated it in a better manner.

    A cousin of mine dated a guy we all thought was great, supported him career and everything wise. 11 yrs and several abortions later, he broke off with her and married some new girl. She's still single, about to clock 40, and not fully recovered from that shock.

    I'm not saying your relationship or man is the same or will turn out the same. Just be wise and very careful. A broken courtship I agree is better than a broken marriage or worse, a tolerated/endured marriage. Selah!

    ReplyDelete
  18. He most likely will not marry you, six years is a lot of investment but it is not worth throwing your life away, because the years you are trying to save by staying becomes nothing when he starts misbehaving in marriage and showing you new sides. Here is the thing, take a walk and start afresh while you can.
    The family sees you like family doesn't mean a thing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Red red flaaaaaaag. In my ub40 voice.

    ReplyDelete
  20. It hurts, it's painful, it's wrong, totally unfair, unbelievable, unimaginable, mean, wicked, heart-wrenching, heart-breking etc- BUT IT IS YOUR TRUTH!!!

    How you chose to react hence forth should be in YOUR best interest. Think about you first.

    This 'so called love of your life and soul mate" is delaying for reasons best known to him, and it isn't in your best interest. Please give him space,as hard as it is, you will not die. You will be be hurt but you will heal. Let him find you if he wants you and let him work for your trust again, that's if you still want him.

    I'm talking from a place of pain, and I can tell you that it will not be the same again, even if he marries you tomorrow, he has created a big hole in your heart, one he will not be able to fix again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Clare
      "Please give him space,as hard as it is, you will not die. You will be be hurt but you will heal. Let him find you if he wants you and let him work for your trust again, that's if you(he) still want him(you)."

      I guess you guys think I'm supporting the guy here. I'm not!

      There's no formula to a great relationship. So I'm just sad as to how people take decisions with ease, in ending one.

      I feel its quite unfair to a relationship to just 'runaway'. Maybe because in don't go into a relationship to just 'come out of it', sorry guys.

      Keyword: 'Give him space', that was part of my first comment on this post.
      So you guys shouldn't misunderstand me oh, I'm just not a party to breakups.

      Delete
  21. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Your pregnancy scare happened for you to know that all that you think of him is not really that. I'm referring to that quote Uyi picked from your post.

    In short this is a good time to give ultimatum i.e if you want to be with him after that. I would not have even told him it's a scare so he will show himself well.

    ReplyDelete

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